calisomnia

[calisomnia]

love telling people I'm not on social media as if it's not 98% of my waking hours. well I'm not on social media in a way that you'd recognize

[calisomnia]

If i may ask, why has your kid had a lawyer since birth?

Honestly, because I had unprotected sex with one

[calisomnia]

[calisomnia]

The unexpected reason why the drive-through line is so long

[calisomnia]

Mark Vomit (2020)

[calisomnia]

aesun's poems are really nice, no doubt about it. but lets put some respect on my boy gwansik's attempt please y'all: :the wind goes whoosh, my heart goes boo hoo

i laughed so hard when they showed what he wrote, i love him so mich he even drew a moth-butterfly

[calisomnia]

It’s practically 2014 and you guys still don’t know how to google if an article is real or not before giving it 100,000 notes

[calisomnia]

been seeing a lot of alien 1979 set photos on here recently and it made me remember when i was ten and my dad let me watch it with him. i fucking loved it and was totally fine through the initial chestburster scene, fully giggling with him at the jump scares etc, but then we got to the scene where ripley is doing ship maintenance in a cropped tank and underwear and i was for the first time in my young life overcome with such a terrifyingly potent blast of homosexual feelings that i started crying out of the kind of sheer guilt that only a ten year old catholic who thinks she's going to hell for admiring sigeourney weaver's shoulders could muster, and begged him to turn it off bc THIS SPECIFIC PART was allegedly too scary. he very kindly let it go and i spent the next decade convinced i had successfully pulled the wool over his eyes and that he was blissfully unaware that he'd been present for my religiously fraught gay awakening. anyway we went to see alien romulus together last yr and the second we got a glimpse of cailee spaeny's third act muscle tank he leans over and goes, "is your gay ass gonna cry again? bc these tickets were $17 a pop so i need you to keep it together"

[calisomnia]

every year I post this meme and every year people get more mad at me than they did the previous year

[calisomnia]

"I was unhappy with my service, and I will not be coming back!"

Cool. Don't

[calisomnia]

a man is holding a kneeling woman by her hair, the title reads “man’s best friend” - but you don’t understand, this is satire! sabrina is calling us idiots for not understating her subtle social commentary! satire-satire-satire!

this is the future for women: satirically kneeling before a man, ironically sucking his dick, and going back to the kitchen because pink job blue job and girlmath isn’t girlmathing and…

[calisomnia]

it turns out a lot of people are actually on the same page about whether or not they'd work if they didn't have to earn money, we just all seem to have wildly different definitions of what counts as work. i'll see one person say "of course i would, i'd still want to create art and volunteer in my local community" and another say "hell no i wouldn't, i'd quit work and just create art and volunteer in my local community" and then they look at eachother like they said something incomprehensible.

[calisomnia]

what if I made a crochet fish....

[calisomnia]

"wealth" means different things to different people. for me it means being able to live quietly and comfortably, adopt a pet, donate to charities I care about, be able to take care of myself in my old age, and eventually leave an inheritance to my loved ones, who will then be forced by the stipulations of my will to be locked at midnight in a Mystery Mansion and solve an elaborate series of puzzles while being mysteriously killed off one by one. and i don't think that's so much to ask

[calisomnia]

[calisomnia]

my niece sent me a voice message saying her friend worked for harper collins and had a book theyre trying to push out and does my niece know anyone that would be interested in a book thats basically twilight but make it lesbian and my niece was like "twilight but queer? I got a weird auntie thats gonna love this"

[calisomnia]

I open Tumblr. I post something that should be a diary entry. I close Tumblr. I open Tumblr after having it closed for 1.2 minutes. I reblog 176 posts in a row. I add tags of absolute gibberish to 7 of those. I close Tumblr. I open Tumblr I post yet another should-be diary entry. I close Tumblr. I open tu