callmejulesjournal

[callmejulesjournal]

It’s so interesting to walk into a room and everyone knows your business before you even decide to say something and they been talking about it too.

What’s the point of me even saying anything?

You clearly know everything.

Why do I need to repeat what you already know?

smdh

[callmejulesjournal]

I feel really lonely.

Always this time of year.

[callmejulesjournal]

I look forward to the day I don’t cry at all.

He hurt me so bad.

I want this to be done.

Gone.

[callmejulesjournal]

I pray a lot.

I used to think they went unheard.

God is answering my prayers.

Even when the outcome isn’t what I expected.

Or initially wanted.

Cuz He gives me something better.

I’m gonna keep praying.

And stay in faith.

This year will be magnificent.

God gives beauty for ashes.

[callmejulesjournal]

I saw that he's been checking out my IG stories.

I'm not giving him anything.

From my perspective, life is just fine.

Healing.

And only getting better.

[callmejulesjournal]

My therapist told me I should find healthy ways of expressing my anger.

I didn't know there was a "healthy way" of expressing anger.

To be honest, I assumed working out was the best choice.

She mentioned "rage rooms".

I can't believe I haven't thought of that.

Rage rooms.

Wow.

[callmejulesjournal]

I have faith in it.

[callmejulesjournal]

It’s August 2023.

How does almost a whole year be fucked up?

Process sucked.

Prolonged sickness.

Jason’s betrayal and foolery.

The lies.

So many lies.

The death of a child.

Learning new things about ppl I thought were good.

The loneliness.

The hurt.

Pain.

So much crying this year.

So much.

I do believe four months is enough time.

Enough time to salvage this trying year.

It’s gonna get better.

It has to.

Please.

[callmejulesjournal]

I am enough.

[callmejulesjournal]

Claire told me about the “no contact” rule.

The whole thing makes sense.

Wish I had known about it earlier.

I reached out to Jason yesterday.

I regret it.

But as of today, I’m sticking to it.

No contact.

No messaging.

No calling.

No social media messages.

Nothing.

I really need to work on healing.

I don’t know exactly what that looks like.

One day at a time.

[callmejulesjournal]

I have to remind myself of what he did.

So that I don’t get weak and run back to him.

He slept with more than four women the entire time we were together.

He gave one of them a STD and he lied to her about it.

He wouldn’t sleep with me because he knew he had a STD which could’ve been the perfect time to tell me everything but selfishly chose not to.

He lied to me multiple times.

He made me feel guilty for wanting to take our relationship to the next level.

He kept omitting things from the truth.

I found out everything he was doing through an IG message.

He slept with two people in his cast while we were together and while I was supporting his show.

He knew how much I was excited about us.

He knew I had pics of us on my phone screen.

He lied about his “innocent flirting” with a server.

He embarrassed me.

He used information I gave him to fix his faults with the other women.

I saw the text messages and DM’s he sent to the server.

He denied ever saying he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

He had conversations with the women he cheated on me with about me.

He hurt me so bad but still wants me to be part of his life. I don’t get it.

[callmejulesjournal]

If you’re tired, take a nap.

If you’re sad, listen to music.

If you’re stressed, go for a walk.

If you’re angry, exercise.

If you’re burnt out, read a book.

If you’re feeling lost, pray.

If you’re overthinking, write.

And if you’re anxious, meditate.

[callmejulesjournal]

“Maybe God ruined your plan so your plan wouldn’t ruin you. Losing someone is heartbreaking but don’t lose yourself going back to what God saved you from.” - saw this on IG

[callmejulesjournal]

On Sunday I found out more.

Jason was not only still flirting with Hunter.

He was sending her text messages.

He told me they only flirted at the theater.

I’m emotionally exhausted.

I don’t know why God brought him into my life.

After being single for so long,

why do I get hit with this type of drama?

I wrote Jason an email while he was out of town.

I don’t want to see or talk to him.

I need to heal.

I need time to remember who the fuck I am.

I know I’m not an option.

I’m not gonna compete with other women.

I’m a good woman.

I don’t know why my love life is still so complicated.

[callmejulesjournal]

I have another new pet peeve.

Unwarranted diagnosing.

I’ve had a cough for some time.

I know what it is.

I’ve dealt with this most of my life.

I just need time to get on the right track.

I DON’T need other people’s theories.

Or the “my friend had a cough…

and this is what happened to them…”

Or the “what you need to do is…”

Or the “I’m sure you have…”

Or the “are you sure it’s not COVID…

cuz sometimes it doesn’t even show up on the test.”

Ugh!! Fuck off. I’m 43. Not 14.

When I want your opinion, I’ll ask a doctor.

[callmejulesjournal]

Jason is taking some time to think.

To think about what I asked of him.

He can’t have his cake and eat it too.

He has to be able to promise me.

But I don’t want to set him up to fail.

Especially if he’s not ready.

To be honest, I want to be with him.

What he did was messed up.

But the fact that he’s working on himself,

Trying to be a better man in general,

Makes me appreciate him so much more.

He’s making an effort most men wouldn’t do.

There’s something there.

I’m letting go and letting God handle this.

I think there is more to this that is bigger than me.

I hope to have him back in my arms.

If not, I trust Him.

[callmejulesjournal]

The energy at Second City has changed.

I don’t know what it is.

As much as I’d like to do one more revue,

I’m thinking I should leave.

But I don’t wanna end my time on Main this way.