calumthomasxo

[calumthomasxo]

hey, hope you two ended up having fun. i was staying with different friends in the castle and bothering them always makes me happy. 10/10 experience. i'm not sure anyone should take marriage advice from me, tbh. you two seem very loved up and happy, so i say whatever it is that you're doing is working in your favor. when's the wedding?

hey roomie. yes, i am. while we're on the topic, have you got any marriage advice? thats very nice of you to offer and i will absolutely take you up on it. and even pick up your tab for drinks and dinner that night.

[calumthomasxo]

that show is like the rejection olympics. it's not a vibe. at least not for me. i like watching the delulu folks who go on it but would never ever do it myself. i have some shred of dignity left. not a lot but just enough to say no. i'd rather go on the bachelorette, well if i wasn't married. i think they frown up on dudes showing up with a ring, it might cramp my style. nice to meet ya, i'm calum. what's your fave unrealistic reality tv dating show?

I might be a couple years late on the hype but I've seen every single season and I'm still confident that I could never be on Love Island. The minute someone doesn't want to be coupled with me anymore is the minute i'm breaking down. What do you mean our banter isn't bantering? Plus a lot of 'Would you still couple up with me if I was a worm?" questions. A girl can dream though. I'm Havana and I'm thoroughly interested in knowing if you think you could go on the show. @hillsfmsstarters

[calumthomasxo]

cal: wait, what? you agreed without a fight. this feels wrong. cal: i'm kidding but i'm a little surprised. though, it's been such a mind fuck recently that not thinking about it for a month or two would be great. cal: yeah, it doesn't really effect anything and it's just paperwork. there's no reason i need to be legally single so i'm good with waiting. cal: maybe we're starting to learn to speak each other's language and we can have a convo without fighting. is this how maturity feels like? cal: no one needs to know. we've gotten dragged enough by everyone we know. cal: hey, if they see us getting along, i promise to start a loud argument. i can do that in my sleep, so nothing to worry about. besides, doubt they'll pay that much attention.

cami: i wouldn't be mad at waiting a bit. cami: mostly cause it's been so intense over the last couple of weeks. maybe we should give ourselves some time to breathe you know? cami: if we get it filed tomorrow in a couple of weeks, what difference does it really make? cami: am i being completely irrational now or is this one of the few and maybe only times you can say i've got a point. or rather that we both do.. cami: good. bc they don't need to know. :) cami: they might get suspicious though so when and if it gets to a point where we feel like we've been calm for too long.. one of us just starts a fight and we'll go from there and make a scene alright? that way they'll see that not much has changed really.

[calumthomasxo]

cal: so. since we're back from scotland, suppose we should talk about getting the divorce papers drawn up. cal: not file yet but like maybe get lawyers involved and shit. idk. or would it be too suspicious and we should wait a few weeks? cal: also, ash knows nothing about what happened in scotland and i'm gonna be strong and keep that between us. he's already getting smug and him getting even more smug might just actually kill me. cal: tho, this is the most civil we've ever been so it's not like he has anything to complain about. we're doing exactly what he and hails asked us to do.

[calumthomasxo]

devil's in the details pt. 2

[calumthomasxo]

hey loser, i told my roomie that i would give her some time with her boo. you've been begging for cuddles for ages, it's a little sad actually, so i'm coming to crash with you. ur welcome. / @lckehemmingz

[calumthomasxo]

PRIVATE: god, please. i would never ever tell luke. he would never shut up about it and be so goddamn smug anyway. there's already no living with him and this would just be worse. i'm hoping ash keeps his trap shut but pretty sure he's gonna go yapping to hailey at least. rip. we're really fucked. probably no need to act because if he doesn't tell her, i'll ne super fucking surprised. you don't know how he gets when he thinks i'm lying, he won't stop at anything. we were just caught up in the moment and it's not like it'll ever happen again. just a little slip-up and it doesn't change anything. however, maybe i gotta stop drinking around you. that never ends well.

PRIVATE: if you think i’m surprised, think again. i fucking knew you would tell one of them. just glad it wasn’t luke cause god knows he’d rub it in our faces. then suppose ash will probably do the same. also happy to know you caved before i did. i’m still doing my utter best not to tell hails — but fuck knows she can read me like an open book. don’t worry, i’ll do my best acting performance though and hope she doesn’t start questioning me. also odds on ash not telling the rest of the band? that’s bullshit cal. you’re just weak when he gets on your nerves. — yeah like getting married… i’m completely on board with the never speaking of it again. never mention it. never think of it. just acting like it never happened and move on. it’s not like every time we bicker, we will end up tangled with each other in bed. we’ve done it plenty of times before without ending up there. it’ll be fine. just don’t go telling everyone else about it. no matter how much you drink.

[calumthomasxo]

yo, roomie. wanted to throw an offer out there. you're engaged, right? if you and your man need a little privacy or something, just let me know yeah? i can go bunk with one of my mates for the night or something. get you two lovebirds some privacy. / @kaiagerberhq

[calumthomasxo]

are you just trying to lull me into a false sense of security and you're really planning on dunking me into the lake? because i could one-hundred percent see it and i'm gonna have to keep my guard up and not go too near the water when you're around.

So we both obviously know the loch ness monster is real and just hiding cause she's sick of being called nessie like she's some adorable little lap dog – question now is, how can we convince her to come out and be our friend? @calumthomasxo

[calumthomasxo]

Calum Hood attending the Halloween Ball at at Eilean Donan castle as an 80's glam rocker.

[calumthomasxo]

private: okay, i may have fucked up. again. i know we talked about never telling anyone what happened the other night but ashton weaselled it out of me. he used some mind control voodoo shit and before i knew it, i was telling him everything. that man only looks like a happy hippie, he has actual stone-cold ninja skills. however, i remain fully onboard the idea that we don't need to talk about it. ever. alcohol and stress have made people do dumber things, right?? / @cmila-morrone

[calumthomasxo]

cal: go talk to your wife about your kinks, i already know too much about you. cal: i don't think anyone can help. just gotta swallow that disappointment and move on. cal: at least the trip will be a nice distraction.

luke: don’t threaten me with a good time, baby

luke: you’re right, i’m sorry

luke: it is shitty. what can i do to help?

[calumthomasxo]

hm, i'm kind of invested in this little dynamic of only being four of us in a band and having people wonder about our name. how good of a singer are you? because you're pretty enough to be a lead singer and i'm very game for kicking luke out of the band and replacing him with you. i think that idea has a lot of potential.

with your band being called five seconds of summer, i'm here to throw my name in to be the fifth member. you've got a singer, drums, guitar, and bass. do i play any instrument as cool as those ? no, of course not. i play the fucking flute but i still think you should consider. / @calumthomasxo

[calumthomasxo]

📸: Ryan Fleming

[calumthomasxo]

did you really go to my ancestral land for two weeks and didn't think to invite me?? wow, that's just incredibly rude and i'm not sure how i can survive this. if you would've taken me with you, i could've avoided some recent disasters. how much of the country did you manage to see in those two weeks? lay it on me, give me some fomo. ever been to the albanian riviera? i ended up there accidentally one summer and ended up falling in love with it. the beaches are gorgeous and there's a lot of history and shit. i'm thinking of escaping LA post-Scotland and i need a travel buddy. you in?

Having been in New Zealand for the past two weeks and doing a massive road trip around the country and taking in all the beautiful sites there... like, where else in the world can you be surrounded by snow but then emerge into a forest area that has natural hot springs? You go from freezing your ass off into being in naturally heated water. I'm always in awe of any country and their natural beauty. Going from Spring to Autumn has been a seasonal whiplash. Now that I'm in LA again - those of you in the know - are there any places that have something like this? Hidden away gems I guess you would call it? @hillsfmsstarters

[calumthomasxo]

cal: please. i would rather stay married to camila for the rest of my life than marry you. i would end up smothering you with a pillow one night for real. cal: just because it worked out for you and her it doesn't mean it'll work for me. cal: it sucks okay. i've only ever wanted to get married once and have a marriage like my parents have but that's obviously not happening so jokes on me.

luke: i think this is simply a lesson that you should have married me. karmas a real bitch, yknow luke: but yeah. fair enough. sorry to compare situations. i know we're vastly different. just tryin to look out for your dumbass self too. love u, we'll figure it out

[calumthomasxo]

cal: fucking hell, nothing will make it better actually. I GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS AND MY FIRST EVER WEDDING IS A DRUNKEN JOKE/MISTAKE THAT I CAN'T EVER TAKE BACK. EXCUSE ME IF I'M NOT BEING RATIONAL HERE. cal: yeah well you're not the only one feeling shitty so cal: i mean, we are both fucking dumb. like come on. the proof of that is a legal marriage neither wanted so. cal: as far as i'm concerned vegas doesn't exist. it's the voldemort of cities and i'm never going back. cal: she's been my mother for all of my twenty seven years on this earth, i think i know how to handle her. cal: she knows i'm impulsive and think later, she'll definitely buy me rushing into marriage and then regretting it later. we can start the process whenever i find a lawyer and she doesn't need to know the exact timeframe. i already told luke to shut the fuck up if she asks and gonna have mikey and ash do the same. it'll be fine. cal: how mad were your parents??`are you like on speaking terms with them now or? cal: jesus christ, it was joke. if i don't laugh, i'm gonna have to really shove my head into an oven. cal: we can't change it and we just have to wait for it to blow over and we'll have it taken care of. cal: i'll talk to a lawyer once we're all back from scotland. they can be in touch with your people and we'll get the ball rolling. cal: i tried tequila, it actually made me feel worse so do not recommend. cal: a shitty plan is better than no plan at all. cal: pls we have nothing in common and you take my sarcasm at face value, we'd be a terrible married couple.

cami: wow we really need to put a percentage on it now ??? that makes it better in what sort of way ??? enlighten me cami: as if i don't already feel shitty enough about this whole mess cami: i'm pretty sure you've called me dumb quite a few times over the span of time of which we've known each other cami: yeah no fuck that. i need to find another location for a quick getaway of fun that doesn't result in my signing my life away on paper with someone else. fucks sake cami: are you sure about that ????? cami: fucks sake cal. you do realize it's going to be even more to handle when the time arrives of her realizing that the two of us are as far away from being in love as two people could be ??? but again, your issue. not mine. cami: i had to face the music right away with my parents and yeah it wasn't exactly a smooth sailing journey either. glad i had a flight to catch to get away from it all. cami: i should be proud of you ?????? right okay. sure. i'm proud of you hubby. is that better ??? cami: yeah yeah, you're right. no need to actually freak out when you think of it.. it's done. we can't change what happened. cami: we just have to face the consequences of it. but yeah it's easily handled. some paperwork and we can forget this ever happened. cami: part of me really just wants to down a bottle of tequila. but like lock myself in the bathroom and ruin the door so i know i'm stuck in one place. cami: drowning myself in the shower sounds inviting though. glad you have a plan. happy for you. cami: yeah well they can have it. i'm not a fangirl who has been dreaming about this in case you didn't know. cami: did you really just say that ??? cami: are you trying to look at this positively or ???? cami: as if you could ever stand being actually married to me.