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Maev for Orctober 💜🔥💜 ( nevermind that it’s November now )

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axe

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axe

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jumpsuit

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12PM Vent because I ain't got other shit to do I guess.

Lately, I've been suck in my own head about my life and where I am now, contrasted against where I was like... 10 years ago. There's alot I now just don't do, that 13 or 16 YO me would do in a heart beat or enjoy. One of them is that I think I'm mentally going as a sociable person. I don't think I derive pleasure from hanging around friend groups. And I don't think I like 1 on 1's anymore either. Lately I'm just not got energy to try and hold a convo or actually try and engage with a topic. Or maybe I'm just not good at conversation anymore idfk. And when you hear someone completly change in mood and energy when someone else joins in.

I don't want to use "Upsetting" to overall describe it, maybe "defeating". Mostly cause I don't get mad or teary eyed when it happens, just a "Ok." and either sit there mute while they have a wonderful convo and in jokes and all that sort or just leave, cause I'm not gonna add anything, mostly just take away.

I don't know if its because I'm now low effort they act this way towards me, idk, and it's not my place to say.

Too right as well. I wouldn't want to be friends/hang around someone who is as reliable as the pin in an already thrown grenade. So in some sense I'm glad they are pushing me away, they can move on and hang around people they like.

It doesn't help that as a person, I kind of need a rock like friend. Where they can handle my bullshit, but I've not had that in months/years and it might be getting to me. I'm both an emotional person and not, I'll sit there and listen to you rant about life and shit for hours and give you the best help I can. But when trying to unpack whats upsetting me, I can't around most people most times.

Mostly cause I go by "Keep your shit to yourself, don't spread bugs" in life.

That, and alot of my friends don't seem very, good at hearing my shit, with just an off hand "It be what it be." or "Sorry, I'm very numb to that sort of thing so I don't know what to say." So I just keep to myself with my stuff and just let them rant.

Is it fair? I don't know. It is the way I work best I guess.

I'd rather be told to please keep all personal stuff away from a convo instead of "Its ok, you can tell me anything." and get nothing out of it.

It doesn't help that somethings that bugs me I also just can't outright say, cause it would either cause upset, or just start shit for nothing caues I'm blowing it way out of state.

Like how I feel my Ex stole my friend group and just kind of left me and a friend out in the cold while they hang out with their NEW friends. And it's not a one way road. They talk about how great he is, and how many in jokes.

its super fucking petty to think that. And I know it 100%. People are people and can hang with whoever they want.

But at the same time. What else am I gonna do? Like I hate this person, he fucked me up for months and to this day because he basically lied to me for the entire relationship. And to have him be the one they like more out of the two of us... Idk.

I don't want to make them choose, mostly cause I know they'd side with him cause he brings more to the table than I ever could. But I want them to actually say it to me, instead of doing this whole dance of No, we like both of you.

I probably should just leave that group honestly. Save them the trouble of it. I tried that before, only one person from that group ever reached out and tried to keep it going. But I know if I do it again, they aren't gonna do that.

I lost, My ex won.

I'm trapped in the endless pattern of; I'm gonna be better, I'll be a better friend, doesn't go well, I'm a bad friend, repeat and repeat.

It doesn't get any better with other friends either, at best we talk once every week if that, or their busy with life and don't have time for me. Which is normal and perfect.

But when they also start saying they also wanted to listen to my rants and when I'm upset, I have to stop myself from telling them a fat NO. Why would I want to be emotinally broken down to someone who at best, I share memes or a single hobby with, and will probably get a "That's wild" or "Sorry to hear that."

My feelings just don't matter, that's just the truth I hang onto.

I've never been able to discribe them, nor express them without looking like a primary school get just getting his first words out.

That automatically makes my feelings invalid. That's good, I don't matter, I'm only good as a side character honestly.

I think that's also why I haven't tried to find love anymore. I don't deserve it. Seeing as both my last two serious ones turned out, I deserve to die alone. I'm always told its not my fault, but they end the same way, and the only factor common is me.

And of course, no ones gonna pick me over them. No matter how much I try and describe how much a person hurt me, or how I don't want them in my life no more, they'll hang onto them. And eventually leave me in the dark.

I'm just so tired of acting as if I'm fine, cause everyone I know knows I'm not. But I don't want to ruin the vibe, become someone's problem they have to solve. It's better if it just remains this way, people are happy with others and give only second thoughts to me.

I've never cared about myself honestly.

I put people way ahead of myself first, because I'm scared if I don't, they'll leave. If I don't support them in ways, they'll leave. I'm jaded, It's not like this is crazy and hasn't happened.

I've been used by people to get what they want. And once your no longer useful, you don't exist anymore. I've had so many friends just walk out after they got what they want its not even funny.

If it wasn't physical needs from me, then it was money needs. Buy this from me, and I'll give you so much free shit in return. But as soon as money leaves the hand, boom gone.

I know not everyone is like that, but I'm too tired from it happening over and over again. That its better at assuming everyone's out to backstab you one day than to actually enjoy something.

Majorly its happened with two people who I thought were close friends. And it wasn't for a couple of dollars, lord no. I want to honestly fucking destroy them, I want to stand them infront of me and tell them how evil they are.

It won't change anything, it won't even make me feel better. They'll just shrug and say "Nothing happened." I should of never been friends with them. And now I'm not.

I guess that's also a thing, I get into friend groups I have no right to belong to.

I should of never become the editor/channel manager to a friend, they were such I different person from me and I graved their acceptance. They liked different things, liked different people. We were never gonna be besties, never gonna actually be 100% friends. but I was a idoit and thought differently.

I don't feel used by them, not 1 bit. I just feel stupid for trying, and now seeing they wanted nothing to do with me. My fault. I enjoyed making their videos, I should at least take that as apossitive right?

I made them for them to enjoy, maybe the actually did, maybe they didn't. IDK. We were only friends cause we were friends of friends. I love their art 100% it's funny and so creative. One of the best I've seen.

They owe me a commission, for the work I did for the channel. They don't remember, and I won't turn it into drama and make them hate me more.

Validation is the word I want to use, but I don't want to look like a twat.

I wanted them to ask me to come back from my depression and brake from the channels. But they didn't, they wanted access to the channels and that's the last we spoke. I check in on them from time to time.

Make sure their alright, cause I'm a stupid puppy always looking for attention and love from people who don't want to give it.

We should of never been friends... for their sake.

I don't know anymore.

I'm not a martyr.

None of it matters, people are happy, and their happier without me. Needs of the many, needs of the few, yada yada.

I'm just so tired.

I want it to end, but It never is. Its just how my life will go endlessly.

I'm not gonna end it all. I thought about it once or twice. Maybe even tried once or twice. But I'm not scared of death, nor the concept. Ending it all isn't for me.

Eventually everything ends.

Frienships, life, everything.

It matters to someone, and that's what makes life living.

But I'm not a doing person. I don't go out there and make friends or have actual friendships. I'm the person who people use to make themselves feel better.

Its ok. It all is.

But it isn't is it-

I'm not happy. I never will be.

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open RP

“Hey~”

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Testing water with some old bowser work out drawings

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Another design update for my Mag'har, Kugo'ro. I’m embracing that I’m leaning toward 80’s metal goth who knows where the best pizza is and sneaks you into the new horror flick. He still loves miniature goats.

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behold all my stick figures

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November Halftime Show

How you guys holding up?

Posted using PostyBirb

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come inside, the show's about to start!

guaranteed to blow your head apart!

rest assured you'll get your money's worth,

greatest show in heaven, hell or earth!

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Another thing about them. It’s also I drew a month ago

Bonus

Keep reading

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They're falling!

Revenge Yellow is belongs to @abbadonschaos ,and Revived Yellow is belongs to @su-revived !!

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A goth orc. A gorc, if you will.

It is said they are brutally cunning.