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6-missed calls kind of night. When I physically feel like I’m being erased from the face of the world. And I scream, and scream. But no one answers. 6 unanswered calls. I’m disappearing.

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first day of school tomorrow

I want to give myself a pep talk, list down positive goals I want to achieve for the year. I wish I am inspired and motivated to do that but right now, I just want to get by. I want to get through high school alive. High school has been more neurotic and complicated than I thought. This year, I just want to keep everything simple. I want to focus on my studies, do well, get good grades. Maybe meet a few people but not get too attached. The lighter the emotional baggage, the simpler everything will be. I may feel alone in the crowded hallways but I'm not too scared, well not at the moment. This year will be about being more self-sufficient. I want to be comfortable with doing things on my own. I've been so reliant with other people that I forgot that I am mine before I am anyone else's. I want to feel secured with myself so whenever people leave, I won't crash and burn. This year, I'm not dreaming too big. Baby steps. I just want to be better.

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"I’ll actually be really happy if she ends up to be my wife someday." “With her, I never had to try.” “I still imagine the future with you.” “I hope you find someone to make you happy… I hope it’s me.” “‘Be careful who you trust your heart with. Make sure they love you as much as you love them.’ ‘Isn’t that you?’” “I love you. Always.”

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honestly though, i want to be the person who’s brave enough to pack and leave her hometown, marching towards the unknown with freedom keeping her knees straight. i want to be the person who feeds the fuck off of falling in love and adoring how romance nurses butterflies inside her belly. i want to be the person who marches up to the cute boy in her biology class with a confession pocketed and eventually voiced, not caring about the outcome, or the highly probable rejection. i want to be the person who sits in her room at midnight and admits how her own poetry makes her sad and at least attempts to stir up happy ones instead. i want to be the person who’s not afraid of unsheltering herself, of giving people glimpses of who she is and what she loves. i want to be the person who has music drilled into her veins and art blatantly carved onto her skin. i want to be the person who knows the proper time to be brave. i want to be the person who gets up on her own without having to hear how she needs to from anybody else. i want to be the person who can lie wide awake at night without having her thoughts creep in, without having her worries eat into her brain. i want to be the person who enjoys silences instead of being afraid of them. i want to be the person who looks into the mirror and doesn’t see “lonely” sprawled across her forehead. i want to be the person who’s more than just the reality of her gpa or the result of her recent math test. i want to be “the person”. someone other than me.

on wanting to be the person starring all of my “could have been”s // aed (via iamunheardd)

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When I am with you, there is nowhere else I’d rather be. And I am a person who always wants to be somewhere else.

David Levithan, How They Met, and Other Stories (via thunderpopcola)

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You are a special little girl with hopes and dreams and don't ever let go of them if that's where God wants you to be. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. You are searching for unknown answers. When you're on your later years, you'll realize a lot of things.

wow I checked my Tumblr messages after what seemed like forever, and read some encouraging words from an anon. I know I've been a pessimistic wreck lately but it's nice for someone to remind me about the good things in life. Thank you. :) People like you shouldn't be hiding behind that anonymous name btw..

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July 13th

We have infinite number of days. We let days pass for we know there's always another to come. With time continuously running, we miss to appreciate the certain days that change the rest of our days forever. 18 years ago, a day brought about a new blessing in a man who's bound to do wonders. He may not influence the entire world but he completely changes that of one girl. He embodied the love she never thought could exist. In a society where divorce has become a fad and short term relationships are dominant, a girl loses hope in real love. Her bedtime stories that were once consisted of fairy tales with happy endings are replaced by over thinking and faltered hope in long-lasting true love. She grows up and understands that princes only existed in fictional books and "the one" is a marketing technique of Hollywood. She entered relationships and made a bet on how long they could last. In a society where girls are continuously getting their hearts broken and genuine surprises have become underrated, a boy persist to show real love. He makes his own fairy tales which are often better than the books. He treats his girl like the princess she is and directs his own true-to-life love story. He believes in relationships, promises, and love that will last forever. 2 years ago, girl meets boy and restores her faith in true love. He becomes her best friend and showed her love she lost hope on. He made her believe that there are boys that love genuinely and "the one" who will love her endlessly. He proves to her that true love is not a myth and she has to allow herself for the possibility of finding it. 18 years ago from today, a boy comes to save a girl from her own series of unfortunate events of lost love and false promises. It may seem to be just another day in the billion that we have had but for a girl, July 13, 1996 was one of the days she's most grateful for because 18 years after, she discovers real love in a boy that done her wonders.

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Only fight for someone that is just as willing to fight for you. Don't give up everything unless you're sure he is willing to give up the world for you too. Don't recklessly trust your heart to someone who could just easily drop it.

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I always liked to be needed, to know that I matter to someone. In a way, it's ironically selfish. I find self worth in believing that I help someone else find their worth. I find another broken person in hopes that together we become whole. Maybe this is why it never works out for me and I'm left critically wounded every time it ends. I allow myself to stay incomplete, finding solace and acceptance from others. I deter my time on fixing other broken people to keep my mind off the fact that I am in need of more fixing. Soon, by the time I help to fix others and I am no longer needed, I lose importance. I am left without a role, a purpose, a distraction.. And I am faced with the fact again that the only person that is in need of fixing would be me. It's hard to see people that have left go on and move on when I am still on the exact same spot where they left me. It takes so much convincing to know that I am not the most important person in their lives anymore and I lost the influence I had in them. I allowed myself to find my worth in others that when they leave, I lose that. I cannot keep expecting people to come rescue me. I learn that it will only continually leave me in a worse state than I was. People don't need me and they can just easily find someone better than me and nothing's worse than losing them than being replaced. I am never going to be the most valuable person in someone else's life. I am replaceable. I need to stop catching other fallen people and fix my own casualties. The more I depend on others, the more I get hurt. Superheroes are fictional and the only person that can save me is myself.

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You are my home because you are the place I choose to return to over and over again. The place that, even when painful, means the most. You are my home because you have made me who I am, whether or not you realized what you were doing. You are my home because you showed me the best kind of love there is. You showed me real, genuine, love-you-so-much-it-hurts-and-changes-me-at-my-core love. It was a blissful combination of finally feeling alive mixed with the most painfully difficult challenge I never thought I’d have to deal with. I didn’t know I could ever feel so strongly that I’d end up there.

Brianna Wiest (via myheartgoesbumbumbum)

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One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. He’ll know how old you were when you learnt to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked up the razor and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. He’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. He’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organise your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just incase. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. He’s going to know how you feel without you telling him, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to love you.

Unknown (via zubat)

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I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and distracted the whole day hoping to take my mind off the only thought I’ve had since we’ve met, you. us.. and how things have lately made it hard for me to envision “us.” Somehow my thoughts always leads to you.

With you, it felt like I have my future all figured out because it wasn’t just mine, it was ours. My future was ours. And it may sound ridiculous but it was easier imagining the future with you in it. Some parts of my life may still have been blurry but in my vision, only one thing was clear, the fact that I’ll have you. I wasn’t scared of what problems may come for me because I knew I’ll have you to help me get through them. I thought so much about “us” that now that you’re gone, I feel lost and stuck. We had it, the right amount of certainty and spontaneity. It was a perfect dream until I am waken up to reality.

I keep wanting to hold on to this dream. I like thinking that you never had to go and you’re still here for me. That everything I do, I still do for us. That the plans we’ve made could still happen and my future is still of “us.” We made a mile long bucketlist of things we’ll do, places we’ll visit, and moments to make. You filled up all these spaces and I’ve imagined all of these with you. There’s no one else I’d rather spend all those moments with but you.

Is it stupid, childish, pathetic of me to still be hoping for these to happen? Am I selfish not to let go? Or am I denying you of possibly finding better love? (I feel my heart drop every time I think about it.)

I wish I know what to do. I want to believe that our story doesn’t end like that and you find me truly worth waiting for but I don’t want to deny you happiness. If you happen to find it with someone else, it will be hard, but I’ll be happy for you too.

I still believe in fairy tales and happy ever afters, right time, true love, and destiny. I know everyone, you most especially, deserve great love. Everything lately has faltered my faith about finding mine but whatever happens, I’m thankful. Eternally grateful of letting me experience true love during our “little infinity.” If you ever feel underappreciated or alone, remember that I love you then and now.

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Nothing felt right since then

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I cried an ocean of tears, hoping it will drown all the pain. I can barely keep my eyes open or maybe I simply prefer to keep them close. I'm trying not to sleep. I want to pretend that today never happened, or tomorrow will never come because I'm afraid of what might change. It kills me just thinking about it.

They say it's impressive and brave.. what I've done. They say it's the right thing to do. They don't know that it took everything to bring myself to utter those words. Life is so unfair. No matter which I choose, I lose. I hurt someone and I can't be completely happy.

I'm sorry I have to temporarily give you up. It comforts me to say it's temporary. It may sound delirious but I'm still hoping this is not the end of us. This is not how our story ends. It may seem like I didn't fight for you, that I chose to let you go, and I won't blame you if your feelings for me change for these reasons, but I hope you know that this is the hardest decision I've ever made. It will always kill me to live with it. It's so hard to give up the only thing you've wanted more than anything in the world.

I hope you're not mad at me. I hope you don't push yourself too far away. Just imagining how our relationship will change breaks me in a million pieces. I wish we'd stay as best friends. It won't be easy and I'll understand if you won't feel as comfortable with me but I want you to know that I'll keep trying. I'm always here for you. I promise that I'll never leave, I'm truly always here, maybe not as a partner yet, but still as your best friend. It will be extremely devastating if you cut me off your life. Please don't. I'm sorry you're hurting. I never wanted to hurt you. If I knew I'll end up causing you pain, I could've prevented this from happening. I wanted to be your comforter, I'm really sorry for being the root of your pain now.

I won't blame you if you distance yourself from me. If you might not want to talk to me for a while, or call or text. I will miss you, so badly. You consisted most of my day and I wouldn't find anything to look forward to any more if I completely lose you. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you understand. I have to choose my family. I cannot just choose what will make me happy. Someday, I'll be strong enough to think of what I want and do it. I'll be strong enough to fight for what I personally desire. I'm praying you'd still be there. My feeling for you won't change. You're my soulmate and what we're going through only convinces me that we're meant to be in each other's lives. Life throw rocks at us and we're slowly learning to catch them. These challenges will make us stronger.

I hope when I tell my future children our story, it will be a story of chivalry, a love that conquered all. I'll tell them about a man who showed me what true love is. True love is never easy but it overcomes challenges. I fought for you, countless times. I'm not strong enough to win the battle now, but deeply I'd keep fighting, hoping, praying, because I love you. I love you so much and when everything comes into place, when the right time comes, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, and making you feel loved.

Every second we've spent together during the best complicated relationship we had will always be in my heart. You'll always be in my heart. You've been in it ever since. I am sorry this has to happen to us. I hope you know that not being able to hug you tighter, kiss you harder, and be your lover will be my biggest regrets. We can do this. I believe this is only one of the challenges we have to face, and this will strengthen us. Right now, I hope you understand. I love you and I'll continue to prove it to you in ways that I can. I love you. I love you. I love you.

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Befriending Time

Often times we talk about our pasts and futures, focusing on time that has passed and time that is yet to come, that we tend to forget about now, about what we have in the present. We continue to live with people that have already left, and keep waiting for people we expect to come in our lives, that we fail to appreciate the ones that are here for us right now. Whenever we feel discontent, or hopeless, it seems to be a common impulse to look back or look forward, to time we have no control of, to time other than the present, because there is comfort in the inevitability of the past and the promise of the future. We spend too much time on memories and dreams that we fail to appreciate the ones that are happening at this moment. A life spent in flashback and fast forwards is a life not lived to the fullest. Living is befriending time.

How often do we hear the line “Time is not my friend.” “If it’s meant to be, it will happen.” “It was meant to end.” “I wish I could travel in time.” I know many of us are guilty of uttering these phrases, maybe too often than we should. We always blame intangible, fictionalized matter when life doesn’t go the way we want to. We want to believe that such has happened because they’re unavoidable or out of our control. We point our finger to fate or time because it’s easier to put the blame on others than to admit our fault because really, things happen out of our own choices. With the exception of natural disasters or other supernatural events, we mostly have control of how our life will turn out to be. We just have to find the courage to make decisions and put up with whatever consequences they may bring. We cannot just live with “what ifs.” Things don’t just happen because they’re “meant to be.” We work and take risk to make things happen. That is how we first befriend time, by making our own choices, admitting our faults and stop blaming fate and time.

When the road of the past has been bumpy and tragic, we always look back at the turning points, when the great ride, the sweet music in the car, and the beautiful view are all abrupted by a massive crash, and the trip becomes a highway to hell, symphony to screeching noise, view turns pitch black. We all had downfalls in the past and unfortunately, these tragedies always fog our memories. We forget the good times or we start to question the moments. "Was he/she really in love with me?" "Did they love me?" "Why didn't it work out?" "Why did it end terribly?" Questions after questions, all to be left unanswered due to countless doubts. We can never move on as long as we continue to search for answers or hope for another ending for these past stories. Our pasts happened for a reason. We know how and what we felt during those moments. If you're sure you loved each other, then what's there to ask? What you felt was real. They once made you half crazy, unable to sort what felt like every emotion there is in life. But clearly, one or both of you allowed the feeling to fade away. You may say it was unintentional but it would have never happened if you didn't lose the reason to stop trying. If they didn't stop giving you reason to hold on. Sure you may have regrets but how would the ending change if you ever have the chance to redo it.. and if you do, imagine how different your present and future will be. The second way of befriending time is forgiving and letting go, accepting the past whether it may be good or bad. The stars shine the brightest during the darkest nights. Regrets and mistakes may have darken our past, but there are always stars, beautiful memories, that outshines the sky. We can only accept our past if we forgive ourselves and others of our and their mistakes.

People fear rollercoasters because they only look at the steep fall. We don't usually think of how thrilling the entire ride will be or how good it would feel to overcome that nerve-wrecking course. We cannot enjoy life if we do not appreciate the positives. It is important to make most of what we have presently to befriend time. At times, since we have grown accustomed to the past, we spend most of our time reliving them than living now. We mourn upon the changes and the people that have left that we forget those who stayed, those who are here for us in the present. People feel lonely because they constantly want to mend broken relationships instead of making new ones. Appreciate the people you have now, those that have chosen to be with you after everything that happened in your past. It's hard for them to replace special people and happy memories you've met and made in the past, and yet they're trying. They want to be part of your present and it's up to you to open yourself again to others. Allow life to continue your story and allow others to help you write it. Befriend time now and appreciate your present for people stay as long as they feel relevant, important, and needed. Make them feel nonetheless and they become part of your pasts too.

Time could be your worst enemy or your best friend. It can damage you so badly and leave you wounded for a while. There will be pain, and you'll be hurting, but the healing process starts upon your choice. Once you befriend time, you begin to understand, why the past have happened and why the present is the way it is. Most times, we may feel powerless to what time could bring, but the impacts of it are up to us. If we learn to live by our choices, forgive, and appreciate, we shall never be too feeble to face life. Time is not meant to run our lives. We manage time and define our own lives.

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I don't get the fuss about Valentines Day. It's the most frustrating day of the year. It's when everyone's inclined to do or buy these typical stuff as if it's a law in the constitution. Moreover, it has always seemed so fake to me. I don't hate Valentines Day. I think I've always somehow looked forward to it even if I never actually had a valentine. And everytime, I get disappointed when I have no, or the lowest expectations. Wow. I stopped dreaming of the cliche Valentines day. The red roses, chocolates, dinner in a fancy hotel. It all seems frustrating being surrounded by loveydovey couples who "tries or plans" to make this one night perfect. When a little detail goes wrong, you literally see hysteria in their faces like getting the worst table in the restaurant will cause the end of the world. There's no winning in Valentines Day. People set too high of expectations, too impossible to meet. If I could I'd stay home during Valentines Day. Have some pizza delivered and spend the whole day watching rom coms and other movies. At least movies have an excuse to be sappy and cheesy. We know they're fictional. And when the movie ends, we know they end happily ever after. Unlike in reality when you know that half of the couples celebrating it this year won't even be talking by next year. Valentines is such a tease. Even if you spend it with yourself, you overthink why no one has chosen you to be their Valentine. Why no one would want to put effort on you and buy you overpriced merchandise for a single day. Horrible right? So why the big fuss about Valentines again?