camixxi

[camixxi]

Almost 30…

And nothing is giing right in my life.

I always believed in silverlinings, in rainbows after the storm. But why do I feel like I haven’t been truly happy in my 20s. It was downhill from there. I broke up with my boyfriend and then he married the girl he met after we broke up. I did not pass my voard exams four fucking times. I got ao depressed that I almost ended my life that time. But then I got a job and I thought that it was the silverlining I was waiting for. I was contented for a while even when I felt so lonely and alone. I didn’t think I deserved to be loved because I feel like I am damaged goods. But I was hanging on because I have my friends and family. Then my father died and the little girl inside of me died with him. I was burdened with the financial reaponsibility of keeping our family afloat. And it was okay for me because they are my family. Until it was not. Until the burden of being the breadwinner is slowly eating away at my whole being. I am so burnt out. Whenever I spend money for my happiness, for myself, I always have a painful aftermath. Always a reminder flashing that I cannot afford ti be happy. I am now almost half a million in debt because my salary can’t fucking afford my lifestyle and keeping my family alive. And now I am losing my job. And I dont know what to do anymore. I am losing my sanity, myself, my everything. It is so fucking hard to pretend that i am strong. That i can take this on. That i am okay. That i am happy. I am not okay. I am so fucking tired. I want to give up but i cant because i’d rather destroy myself than have my family suffer more. I dont know what to do anymore. I just dont know.

I am turning 30 in a few days. This is not the life i thought i would have when i was young. I just want to be free

[camixxi]

Matty Healy + Taylor Swift Timeline

11/7/13: Matty talking about Taylor liking the band and being asked to tour with her.

1/21/14: Matty talking about Taylor liking the band. xx

3/31/14: Matty talks about being asked to tour with Taylor and turning it down. "That was cool. It’s like, ‘We can’t, but that is really nice, thank you very much.”

11/4/14: Matty is pictured wearing a deluxe 1989 album cover tee at his concert in Milwaukee.

11/8/14: Taylor reblogs the picture on tumblr and says they are her favorite band.

11/9/14: Taylor likes these two pictures of Matty wearing the 1989 t-shirt.

11/9/14: Taylor liked this gif-set of Matty talking about whether he’s a dog or cat person.

11/19/14: Selena Gomez, Taylor and other friends went to The 1975 show in LA. Video of them singing along to ‘The City.’

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