canarycarnation

[canarycarnation]

Anyone got that poem written from the perspective of an English teacher where they know deeply personal things about their now adult students because of the essays they wrote

[canarycarnation]

I'm late, but I just started watching Brooklyn 99 recently and had to paint my favorite character

[canarycarnation]

i gave you the best blogging years of my life

[canarycarnation]

pre-t remus: you know when you look at yourself in the mirror after a shower and you think "man, i'd look way better if i didn't have tits"

pre-t regulus: oh yeah, that happens to all of us i reckon

lily, mary, pandora & dorcas: uhhh i'm not so sure about that bestie

marlene: no cause they actually have a point

[canarycarnation]

The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:

the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”

That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”

oh, that hurt

I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots

the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life

on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious

I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was

The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”

God.

for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again

it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”

[canarycarnation]

First ape to go to the watering hole with a container and put some of the water in it so that they could drink more later without returning to the watering hole must have been lauded as a fucking genius.

[canarycarnation]

mr migraine. my me a grain

make it the hurtest of my stupid brain

[canarycarnation]

depicting sexual assault in media is not an endorsement of it 🤝 it's reasonable for audiences to expect a certain level of care and awareness in its presentation 🤝 there is oftentimes an over-reliance on sexual violence in creating the backstories, trajectories, and conflicts of fictional women 🤝 sexual violence is prevalent in society and stories about it do need to be told as a reflection of our reality 🤝 sometimes male writers and directors are extremely bad at telling these stories and audiences are justified in demanding better

[canarycarnation]

no you dont understand. i thought about doing that task . and also how i would do it. no stop i literally thought about it what more do you want from me

[canarycarnation]

[canarycarnation]

(gripping the skink with both hands, pale and feverish, sweating and shaking as I look at myself in the mirror) “killing a character is a valid writing choice that can be a crucial plot mechanic and lend beauty and depth to the story as a whole” (wretches up blood into the sink) “even when it’s my favorite character”

[canarycarnation]

[canarycarnation]

I saw this post on tiktok and as soon as I opened the comments I started sobbing

[canarycarnation]

not only would they win a gift card but also a mug

[canarycarnation]

guys. i really like you. it's nice to be on this dashboard together

[canarycarnation]

hi God one quastion. is everything gonna be okay