candi-is-dandi

[candi-is-dandi]

Imagine carrying a baby in your belly for 9 months just for it to come out Ginger...Gross.

[candi-is-dandi]

I cant believe I used to think milk chocolate was better than dark chocolate smh

[candi-is-dandi]

But not everybody knows that everybody goes to a better place and not everybody knows that everybody could be living their last days

Good Charlotte

[candi-is-dandi]

The things you notice once they’re Gone

My dad passed last year, he fell asleep at the wheel and hit a tree and a couple weeks later he passed in his sleep from a heart attack because his body just couldn’t handle the trauma and he was done fighting. A few weeks before his accident we were chillin smoking a joint and he told me that he had a dream that his dad who passed in the 80′s and his step dad who passed in 2011 came to him and said they were waiting for him and had a spot for him with them. Then about a week before his accident he told me one night that he had been having difficulty sleeping throughout the night and was scared he was gonna fall asleep at the wheel. It’s weird the hints the universe sends before someone passes away and sometimes after. You never really notice or realize until after they’re gone that the clues were right in front of your eyes the entire time. I miss my dad everyday and I wish I would have listened to the universe screaming at me but I know now that he is with his dad and step dad reunited again for eternity and I find comfort in that.

[candi-is-dandi]

My Mom Part 2

Welcome back. So my mom was living with her now boyfriend Tim, it’s 1995. They are both heavily addicted to meth and my mom is a severe hoarder. I’m 5 my sister JC is 3 and it is not good living conditions. From what I’ve been told my moms friends and family came over multiple times to help clean the trailer to make it livable for 2 young children with no success. Every time they came to clean my mom would fuck it up again within a month or 2 and we would be living in filth. My moms trailer was absolutely horrible from what I remember. There was random stuff piled to the ceiling in every room of the house. There was only 2 bedrooms 1 of them was where JC and I slept which had our bunkbed and all of our stuff and the other was filled with dirty clothes and garbage piled to the ceiling. All the memories I have from that place are horrible. I remember when JC and I had chicken pox and we were both super itchy and uncomfortable and one day JC was crying a bunch because along with the terrible rash you get from chicken pox you also get a fever and you just don’t feel good. Well Tim apparently just couldn’t handle JC crying so he came into our room, picked her up and threw her against the wall. I remember that so vividly and I don’t remember my mom doing anything at all to stop him or comfort JC or me after so we just comforted each other. I also remember the door to our bedroom was broken off the hinges and anytime Tim was annoyed with us which was a lot he would lean the door up against the opening and put stuff in front of it so we couldn’t get out. My grandma has told me stories too from that time period. She said that she showed up there one time in the winter and my mom didn’t know where JC was and my grandma asked her the last time she saw her and she said it was when she had gone to the store hours ago and my grandma ended up finding JC strapped into her car seat in the car and it was below freezing temperatures. My grandma showed up 1 time and JC was tied to a chair because she had apparently gotten into my mom and Tim’s meth and they tied her up to try and control her because she was bouncing off the walls. My grandma taught me how to use the phone to call her incase we were in danger and I would try and escape our bedroom as often as I could and call her to come get us out of there. I remember one time there was a tornado warning and the trailer was swaying because it was so winding, branches were breaking and hitting the roof and for a 5 and 3 year old that’s terrifying. I remember begging my mom to go to the neighbors house because they had a basement and she said “It’s alright honey, if we die at least we’ll die together”. These are only the things I actually remember but I know there was much more trauma that happened that I blocked out. When I was 6 we finally got taken away from my mom because I must have told one of my teachers that we were being abused and when CPS investigated they found out that not only were we living in hoarding conditions and being physically abused but JC had been severely molested to the point that her hymen had been broken. JC and I ended up getting split up for a while because I went to my grandma on my dads side the one who taught me how to use the phone and JC went with my grandma on my moms side the strict religious one. My mom didn’t seem to care at all because she ended up marrying Tim and giving up her rights to us and eventually my dad got full custody of both of us and dumped us at his moms house, but I’ll save that part of the story for later.

[candi-is-dandi]

My Mom

Let me start off by saying I don’t know much about my parents because of the lack of them being present in my life and because of my horrible memory that I’m assuming that I have from PTSD. So anyways...My mom. She’s the oldest of 5 girls and her 4 younger sisters are 2 sets of twins. Her mother is super religious and strict and her father was a very kind but mentally ill hoarder. My earliest memories of my mom are when I was 3 and she was pregnant with my sister. I remember her belly and I remember her being like a normal mom and I remember feeling loved but sometimes I wonder if those memories are even real. My dad at that time was a truck driver and I remember them always fighting whenever he was home but I don’t know why. From what I’ve been told its because she had hoarding tendencies and would collect boxes of pop bottle tops and milk jug rings and my dad would come home from being on the road for weeks and have to clean the entire house and throw all her hoarded items away which if you’ve ever seen the show hoarders, hoarders do not like when you throw their things away. Anyways after these early memories my brain skips time and the next memories I have of my mom are from after her and my dad split. She was cheating on him with one of his friends named Tim and they wound up dating and living together in Tim’s trailer on a plot of land down the road from where my dad and mom lived together. At this point my sister who my mom was pregnant with is around 2 or 3 and I’m 5. The trailer is gross and my moms hoarding is getting increasingly worse along with her meth use. She barely spends quality time with us and I remember things being tense and us going to my grandmas a lot or going to my dads to hangout. I’m going to have to do a part 2 because I’m writing this at work and I’m about to leave so stay tuned.

[candi-is-dandi]

The Point

So I wanna start this blog to just tell my story and get things off my chest. I am a 32 year old female from Michigan. I still have no Idea what I wanna do with my life. I am in a very happy relationship and we are going on 4 years together. I still live at home but I am working on building my credit and saving money to buy a house and sometimes I just feel super lost, sad and confused. I hope this blog helps me to share things that I don’t get to talk about a lot and try and find my way.