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[candivamp]

everyone says they like weird girls until weird girls act like a weird girl

[candivamp]

A sentence has never been more real than this.

you’re too sweet to be letting filthy words like another’s name fill your mouth. only my name should leave those pretty lips of yours, starlight.

[candivamp]

[candivamp]

Ack my heart feels like it's gonna stop idk if its due to physical like not eating reasons or if its anxiety. Aaaaghhhhhggg I hate being obsessive I hate it. It is not fun physically hurting from my emotions. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa earlier my heart was going crazy, I puked a lot and felt fine? But now I feel weak and cold. Hungry though. I feel it burning. I have water that's pretty cool.... I miss my boyfriend i wanna walk all the way home just to see what he's doing, maybe sleeping maybe on the game or maybe I dont wanna know LOL.I hope he sees that download i requested. It shows all my Instagram data so maybe then he can trust that im good and loyal and that ill stay good forever for him. Ugh ew anyways I hate feeling like tired weak and sad and not asleep

[candivamp]

"you're so sweet!" thanks I'm obsessive and have abandonment issues

[candivamp]

Oh Lana I love her style and everything sm, idk why considering i listen to metal and Gothic music but uhhhh yeahhh! Love her.

i <3 her unreleased music so much

[candivamp]

stalking will always be romantic to me like oh, you're curious about me? you want to know what i'm doing right now? where i am? what kind of clothes i'm wearing? the kind of people i hang out with? i think it's sweet to have someone so fascinated by you that they pay attention to all the little details of your life. that kind of devotion is beautiful to me ♡

[candivamp]

wym you aren’t stalking me? don’t you love me? don’t you want me???

[candivamp]

I suppose I should change my username back to moonvamp...

[candivamp]

Using horror movies as foreplay. 

[candivamp]

Yayyy and I only gain followers for my selfies (aside from those few super cool and sweet women very pure hearts we love that)

[candivamp]

[candivamp]

My family wont take accountability, he wont either. How do you prove your pain to people that dont want to admit they cause alot of it. They're complacent living a lie, im not. How much more pain, must I endure before its enough?

[candivamp]

Lately its been on my mind more than it ever has, even before the antidepressants. He keeps telling me I have all these resources, im medicated and I did have therapy (trying to find new therapist since my current one is deathly allergic to weed.) But my point is I do have those things. And I have insurance till im 19.. which I guess is this October.. wait no i think i have it till 21 anyways. doesn't fe3l right I still feel like im 16 sometim3s, and sometimes I feel even younger like a small child. Im so scared, th3y kept saying that feeling of fear of turning 18 would go away after well its after and I still feel scared. I was supposed to d1e today, I don't know how or why im still here ive done more than enough. I feel like shit though of course. Shaking 24/7 cant consume food cant go home either because boyfriend needs to be alone and he has nowhere else to go here. Feel like puking. Dont have any weed on hand, cant go home to grab any bc he's just gonna say im addicted (he says while smoking every day and night). I hate this. I didn't expect to be alive today, I just want to go home and feel my boyfriend hold me and kiss me and tell me everything is going to be okay again. No more yelling, no more crying, no more hiding. Just kisses and hugs. I need it. Iv3 been needing that. I wish I could dumbify. I wanna just be stupidly foolishly and blissfully unaware of how bad things are lately. I want to finish my food so bad but food doesn't feel like food. I want to sleep so bad but it wont let me. I want to feel okay again. I want princess treatment, but my problem is I want a knight, not a prince. I miss seeing his car pull up when I needed him most, I didn't even have to hint at it. I wanna look out the door to see his car with him waiting for me smiling and wether his gift was his presence and comfort or flowers or rangoons. I just need that so bad. And if I had my own car or even just a stupid drivers license I could do it. I would. But he says he needs space. Ugh. Him or weed is the only thing that could make me feel better. Or both? I'd love both. I feel sick. I keep hoping that at any moment maybe my body will finally shut off. He thinks ive been cheating on him, the crazier part is he thinks its emotionally. He is my whole world every thought leads back to him. I couldn't do that, I wouldn't, the hiding, the only secret is my relapse in self harm that's it. I mean that's bad but in an entirely different way ofc. Im always scared of hurting him. I dont understand. I been thinking he was cheating on me honestly, he just stopped caring right when I changed so much. Its like the better im doing the worse he is. And that always ends up being my fault some how. Anyways now that he is just so randomly very certain that im cheating when the only people I talk to is him my mother and coworkers and I literally only work 1 day a week. My point is I've been loyal very loyal. So.. maybe he is cheating on me.. and this time emotionally?

[candivamp]

💙C O L O R S - H A L S E Y 💙@miadsworld

[candivamp]

May 11, 1931 Journals of Anais Nin 1927-1931  [volume 4]