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canisaysomethingg · 2 years ago

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canisaysomethingg · 2 years ago

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canisaysomethingg · 2 years ago

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canisaysomethingg · 2 years ago

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By Frédéric Ruyant

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canisaysomethingg · 3 years ago

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July 24, 2022

I always imagine how amazing it would be to have the power to express one’s thoughts so easily. I notice whenever I am lost, all I want to do is write it down with the hope of maybe, just maybe, if I can lay it on the table, my thoughts would not be so tangled and sad. Cause if you can easily express it, then you can analyze it, figure out what is wrong, and inevitably solve it sooner or later.

But that is not the point why am I writing now, I am currently on the latter part of my vacation. In two weeks, classes will resume. I remember as a child I love vacation so much. No lessons to prepare, no anxiety with school works, and having all the free time for yourself. However, growing up, I do not love vacations as much as I love it before. All this free time gives me free time to think, and man, thoughts can be really scary. But it is not like I always overthink, especially when I spend time with friends and watch animes in between. Oh, I just finished watching Naruto Shippuden. It was so amazing. How can someone think of those background stories per character. Everything was a masterpiece. But, I think it would be so different if I watch it when I was younger. When I’m less miserable with life I mean. I remember watching Alice Academy when I was young and how convinced I am that I am the protagonist in real life. and how I watched Dragon Balls and also being convinced that I am Son Goku. I remember I was at the back of our house and screaming like how saiyans did trying to unlock my saiyan form. It was fun being convinced like that. But going back with naruto, man, I cried hard. There are these intricate emotionally-woven words that always get me no matter how many times I hear them. and to top it off, the strategy of naruto is to give u this dilemma that no one is ever bad. It’s just these villains are also heroes but failed, unrecognized, kind heroes. Have you ever felt that when u watched inspiring scenes, that it gets through you so hard, and you think you can change the world like those characters did. Problem with getting older, is that only lasts for minutes. Not long enough like how I was convinced that I am Goku for weeks during my childhood. Also, I noticed watching anime now makes me feel shitty with myself. Even though those characters are not real of course. But yeah, I just feel shit cause obliviously, I compare it to my life. and damn, all those screamings with son goku sessions did not prepare me on how hard my heart screams right now. But that’s another story. Cause I do not want this to be a sad discussion.

Oh yeah going back to Naruto. My favorite backstory was with Mighty Guy-sensei. He’s a good one. I always know I am an Itachi guy but wow guy sensei that guy just pierced my soul. He and his dad proves that effort is effort. But I already know that I mean, that effort is effort. Cause you know I was not born smart, pretty, sexy, appealing and other wonderful stuff that makes people amazing. It’s hard to admit at first that you are just mediocre especially if all your life youre trying to be son goku hahahah. But yeah, I am just super regular. But yeah, that is true though, that effort is effort. I am 26 years old and honestly, most of my life, with confidence( not being cocky) I have been putting so much effort... cause effort is effort. and it reaps off. I was at the top of my class since nursery. My cousins play while I am locked up studying. Everyone knows that I am the smartest not only in my family but in my clan. Even the neighbors know. haahahah They said that my dad was super smart so I inherited some genes u see. hahaah. Also my mom was super scary and strict when it comes to studying. I remember I was so scared when I was in grade 6 that I cheated. I change my score cause my mom needs to sign it. But it was not always like that, I had so much fun growing up. I think if I wouldnt groom like that, I would not be a nice kid. or hardworking, or patient, or with determination. I’m kinda glad that my mama raised me that way. Even though 90 percent of my childhood Im resenting them for pressuring me so hard. But that’s the thing about growing up, u realized stuff.

I dont know why I talk about that part of my childhood which is a total diversion from the topic I wanna write about. But yeah, let’s keep that part. Going back to “effort is effort”, I put effort not only in studies but also with people. I have a lot of friends. I always think this is my best skill. I can befriend anyone and anything. I talk to dragonflies and insects growing up and considering them as friends. I dont know, it might sound weird with others, but I value life. It is on the premise that I think everyone is just trying to survive, and I think those dragonflies are good in surviving more than I do. All I do is bluff and endure. hahahha Endure is such an emotional word for me. I also think I am enduring so much all my life. I want to contextualize it more and tell stories about how I “endure” but I hope it’s okay to be upfront now and tell directly that Im enduring so much and Im so sad and I hope one day i will not be enduring anymore and I can be myself and I dont have to put a tough, smile, warm persona everytime cause tbh im dead cold hahah and its ok to be dead cold and tell that im hurting and im not ok

but yeah that wont happen so I guess ill have to endure more and more haha

Sorry for that part, but going back to my story, i really do put a lot of effort with people. Even with the smallest stuff I consider them more rather than my feelings. Its not like im trying to be nice and be a hero but i just couldnt help it. I just want others to be comfortable cause I know that they are also enduring u see. All of us do. Hmm but its funny how most people think im good with people but thinking about it, if im so good with people that everyone just considers me an option. People choose other people, but with me, im just a brocolli on the plate. Not the main meal but just something to compliment the meal hahaah. but again, brocollis are nice and it makes u healthy thats whty i hate it so much on why am i getting sad about it. Mostly im grateful cause im still on the plate, but sometimes i just want to be left on the ref and rot there and neglected at all rather than being used just to compliment something. hahaha

i dont know, am i too hard to be cared for?

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canisaysomethingg · 3 years ago

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