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The vampire version of fuck marry kill is bite fright ignite thank you for coming to my Elysium talk

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*banging on the table* vampires vampires vampires

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girl help there is not enough enrichment in my enclosure

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Update from the man himself

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every year around christmas me and my grandma play this fun family game called “maybe you want to put jesus in your room instead, sweetie? :)”. now, it’s important to note that the jesus referred to in our game is not actually the real jesus christ, but instead a wooden figure i made in 2011 that has an uncanny resemblance to the lord and savior himself

so what happens is that i place jesus in our living room, and my grandma smiles and asks me if i don’t want to decorate my room with him instead. i ask her in return if she thinks my jesus figure is ugly (which he is), but she reassures me that this is not the case. however, a couple of days later jesus mysteriously disappears from our living room, and appear in my room instead

now, the real jesus christ might have been able to perform a miracle like this, but please remember that the jesus in our story is only a figure made out of wood. he can not move on his own, so i think we can safely say that my grandma is the prime suspect here

the first year i would often confront my grandma about this, but she would always make up an excuse and never straight up tell me she moved him because he’s so ugly it’s an embarrassment to the family

eventually i grew tired of her lies, so now we only move jesus around in silence. one second he’s in the living room, the next he’s back in my room. in a way i think this adds an extra element of excitement to the holiday season, because you never know for sure when jesus is going to be moved again

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I love how medieval wizards would write shit like "We all know the testicles are controlled by the position of mars" just incomprehensible king, please continue.

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Sometimes it feels like first base in the winter court is attempted murder.

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you can be masc AND a slut. don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

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lady dimmadome

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the raven (1845) - edgar allan poe

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listen, I’m not the biggest fan of kids but if a child looks at me then you bet I’m gonna smile back at them. kids deserve to experience the world as a kind and safe place to explore okay.

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nobody who's ever drawn or been a fan of a "tumblr sexyman" will ever be on the level of some 19th century artists with satan