cannyouuhearmenoww - Tumblr blog

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I Will Choose You Every Day

Making choices has never been my strong suit

Past events, friends, fights, attitudes, grades, weight can all testify to that

The problem is I'm always making choices for someone else

I'm always considering how what I do will effect those around me

And often I'm striving to please the wrong people

In recent years I've been better at looking out for me and my health, mentally and physically

When making changes one of two things can happen, either you fall right back into old habits or you tip the scale too far in the other direction

I fell back into the habit of being with someone who I needed to take care of

Then when I decided to let go and move on I jumped off the deep end of the other extreme

I became selfish

And I'm sorry you had to meet me that way

But loving you has brought me back to balance

For the first time I'm in love and being loved back by someone who can take care of themselves

As much as we joke and kid you could never get by without me, in reality we both know you'd thrive no matter what

And it's the most liberating feeling in the world to know you'd be fine without me but you still choose to be with me

I don't feel guilty for taking care of myself anymore because you support me unconditionally and you're not afraid to tell me if I've gone too far

You've shown me more patience than anyone else in your life and that's how I know loving me is not a fleeting romance for you

It's something real that you choose to work at every day

If I could go back and change the things I've said and done out of selfishness I would

I wouldn't have made you hear about him, I would've trashed all those pictures, I would have told my friends about you, I would have declared my love for you proudly, I would have heard you out instead of saying no just to say no

I would've never made you doubt this was as real for me as it is for you

I can't change the past but I can tell you the truth

The truth I thought would make me vulnerable, needy, and pathetic

The truth you've never been afraid to share with me

I'm choosing to share it with you now

Bryan, I started falling in love with you from our first encounter

(Well actually even before that)

From the minute I saw you enter orientation I thought you were so handsome

You had a smile that lit up the whole room

And a laugh that was absolutely intoxicating to hear

I don't know if you even realize it, but you have a magnetism about you that draws people in with your charm and charisma and I felt it right away

You were the first non administrator to greet me in the lunchroom

You came right up without any hesitation

Knowing you as well as I know you now I know you'll laugh when I tell you how nervous you made me

I tried to keep a cool and calm composer but I'm sure my blushed face and shaky words were a dead give away

I wanted to take your invitation, I really did, but I couldn't get up the courage to

I was so scared I'd go with you and I'd make a bad first impression on you and everyone else because I was so shy and nervous

So I went with the safe bet and stuck with the people who were just as scared and nervous as I was

It was the cowardly thing to do and I beat myself up over it for weeks after that

But you gave me hope I hadn't completely messed up because in the computer lab you included me in conversation and even offered a tour for the new people

I admired (and envied) your confidence and for the first time in that new and scary place I felt safe and it was with you

Our following encounters were meaningless in the most meaningful ways

You would help out in our class to do puzzles, projects, and games and bring excitement to otherwise monotonous days

I found myself eagerly looking towards the door at the sound of the handle turning hoping it would be you

And feeling disappointment in the pit of my stomach when I didn't see your face

Based on our personalities it is no surprise you were the first one to suggest activities that involved spending more time together like going to pick up lunch

When you asked if I'd be interested in dressing up together for Halloween you made me feel like somebody for the first time in a while

I felt special, you had friends who wanted you to dress up with them and of all those people you wanted to do something with me

A girl you barely knew (who often gave you a lot of attitude because she didn't know how to flirt with you to save her life)

For the first time since I had started that job 2 months earlier I was excited on my way in that morning

I knew it was going to be a fun day, and not because of any activities, but because I knew I had a reason to spend more time with you

I had no idea how hard that day was going to be for you

I knew you received failing test results the night before but it was not until later on that I would find out the magnitude of what that truly meant to you

I was impressed by how you kept a brave face on through everyone asking and offering condolences and suggesting you'd have better luck next time

I remember wanting to say more about it but knowing it wasn't my place

When you asked me to go out with you after work I don't think I could have said yes fast enough

Which was surprising to me because normally the thought of going out alone with someone I barely knew would leave me riddled with anxiety

But instead I found myself smiling at the thought of having all of your attention on me

Sitting there at the bar with you I knew that was it for me

The conversation flowed so naturally, my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much

Everything about it felt natural; confiding in you, sitting close to you, letting time pass with you

On the night after your birthday, a night that was supposed to be celebrating you, you chose to take me out for drinks and then to the haunted house I wanted to go to so bad

When we arrived I was admittedly more scared than I thought I would be but being with you kept me calm

I trusted you so much even as acquaintances

Here I was at a haunted house, with a guy I barely knew (but was very interested in), dreading going home to a boyfriend who loved me but even at our best never made me feel this alive

The chemistry I felt when I grabbed your arm was undeniable, I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to

I hated saying goodbye to you that night

I hated the uncertainty of what that night meant to you

I was left pleasantly surprised when you messaged me on Instagram that night (we still hadn't even exchanged numbers yet)

I remember my face lighting up when I get your message and being so excited to tell my family about the time I had spent with you

And they called it right away, they could tell my heart was beating for you a mile a minute, and they feared what my next choice would be

Just 2 nights later we went out again, this time you wanted to introduce me to your best friend

As a girl, meeting a guy's female best friend, is probably one of the most nerve racking experiences because girls can be brutal

But once again you proved I was safe with you and you never left my side the whole evening

We were at a table with a group of other people in an overcrowded bar and yet somehow it felt like we were the only 2 people in the world

From there came the nonstop messages, the never ending conversation

I would struggle to stay awake at night to talk to you and wake up excited to see what message I would have waiting for me in the morning

I was absolutely addicted to conversing with you, we could talk about anything

TV, movies, music, friends, family, school, philosophies, anything

You were my best friend

Weekends became the hardest part, during the week work was an excuse to see you and get together after but I wanted reasons for to see you more

I remember buying our Silverstein convert tickets and counting down days on my calendar to Brittany's engagement party

I remember it became harder with every passing day to keep lying to the people in my life about you

I chose to keep you a secret, I chose to try to continue my life's status quo and in doing that I chose to hurt you

I was selfish, I didn't want anything to ruin what we already had going and I didn't want to fully commit to what we were so clearly becoming

My poor choices caught up to me the first day I went to your house

On the drive to your house (from North Plainfield) I remember thinking about how much I had missed you over the past couple days and how much I would miss you for the week you'd be away

Now at this point I knew I liked you, and I wanted you, but I had no idea I was going to leave that night in love with you

You greeted me at the door with my favorite wine, you showed me to your room and put on your favorite movie

You told me why it was your favorite and I let your every word pull me closer and closer to you until we were merely inches away

You ordered us food, we did our normal amount of bantering and laughing and I knew I could do this with you every day for the rest of my life

You took me out for dessert and showed me all the places in Montclair you'd like to take me one day

We saa at the bar with question cards in hand, making light of the cheesy blind date game on the counter

As questions passed our answers became more involved and you said something I'll never forget

We were talking about why you went into physical therapy, you told me stories of how you've seen physical therapy change people's lives

You said "all I want to do is make a difference, I want to help people in any way I can, so I chose a career that would allow me to help people physically and mentally"

Those words stood out to me because that's all I had ever wanted since I got into psychology and nutrition and fitness

I wanted to help people feel as good as they can, and if I can have a positive influence on even one person in my life I will have succeeded in that goal

Having the same hopes, goals, values, and dreams as someone is rare

I knew you were something special, you could never be just a friend

When we got back to your house I could have chosen to go home

You could have chosen to ask me to leave

But instead to invited me in and I said yes

We repositioned ourselves on your bed but this time I couldn't bear to waste anymore time away from you

I took a chance you felt the same way and would be okay with my resting my head on your shoulder

I felt discouraged when you didn't immediately wrap me up in your arms, but I knew you were being respectful of my situation

Eventually I wore you down and for the first time we laid together, body to body, breathing in unison

You were excited to tell me about your favorite show and I was excited to see you so happy

It took almost 2 hours but you finally got up the courage to tilt my chin up towards you and bring our lips together

I felt catatonic shock, like there was an electric charge running through my veins

I felt all the hair on my body stand up and tensed up muscles begin to melt and relax

I wanted to keep going but I chose to stop because that moment validated everything I felt towards you was real

I drove home that night with my head spinning determined to use your time away to as a chance to clear my head

All my thoughts revolved around you, and even after our conversation about how you felt towards me, I once again made the cowardly decision to put off making a choice between you and him

I started cluing in my friends and family about what had happened and they were not happy with me

I had once again made a choice that disappointed everyone so I decided in that moment to be selfish

I kept doing what I was doing because it was making me happy without considering what I was doing to you

When you got back I knew things were different between us

You took me to dinner and museum in the city, by an standards a romantic date, and I was cold and distant

I felt guilty over my difficulty to make a choice

But you never faultered, you stayed positive, and continued to work to win me over

Then came the engagement party, an event I had so been looking forward to since you had invited me

I got my hair done the way you suggested and agonized over what to wear to impress you

As the alcohol continued to flow we got more and more comfortable putting our hands on one another and I was overly excited to go home with you

You held my hand for the first time in the car and once we got in bed you grabbed my face, with more force than before

You kissed me without stopping

I kissed you back and in that moment I had never wanted someone so bad in my life

But even with my head clouded with desire the little voice of guilt returned and I knew I couldn't go through with it, not like this

I made the choice to say no and I knew that made you feel unwanted and I'm sorry

I knew I would not be able to say no forever, not even for a week

The following week you planned a special date for us, because once again you were not ready to give up on me

You took me to medeveal times, another place I wanted to go, and showed me a real date could be like with someone you click with

I knew that would be our night

I knew this time if you made a move I wouldn't say no

I knew you'd make a move

I felt the same electric charge of desire and excitement as the first time we kissed

With you body pressed against mine I knew you had been lusting over the thought of this encounter

You made me feel pleasure I had never felt before and with our bodies together as one for the first time I fell deeper in love with you

I didn't want that night to end, I didn't want to return to my reality of still having to choose

My choice was clear but I was still so scared to take the jump with you

I knew as time passed I had to act soon or I'd lose you forever

With that thought in my head I officially chose you the day I said goodbye to him

I said I wanted time to myself but that was a lie, I wanted you, but I didn't want you to doubt my feelings

I didn't want to scare you away with the notion that you were only a rebound

I wanted you, I chose you, I was committed to making it work with you

I think we were both in a state of euphoria when we were finally free to be together

I spent every night with you over winter break

But reality hit us as hard as my back hit the mountain on our snowboarding trip

I couldn't put a label on us because I was scared of what people would think and I was choosing to please them over you

I was still talking to you as only a friend when you deserved my respect as a partner

I made a lot of my mistakes that first month that I wish I could take back

Happiness was finally back in our lives when we chose our special day and that high carried us to Valentine's day

I took you for granted that day and I'm sorry

Even though we smiled through most of the evening I'll never forget the fight that ensued upon arriving home

For the first time I was scared of really losing and there was nothing I could say because all your complaints were true

I wasn't treating how I'd treated others and you deserved better because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me

I promised to be better but the lingering resentment only led to more fights

There was one week in March I was convinced that would be it

You were upset with how I ignored your friends in the halls, shared secrets that were meant to stay between us and made you question if I was truly in this with you

I was being selfish

That was a rock bottom for me

I knew I had to change

I knew everything you were telling me was for my own good, not for selfish motives

I know I'm not perfect now but I hope you see how far I've been trying to come for you

I hope you know I'm here for better and for worse

I hope you know any future involving you would make you happy

I'm done being selfish

I'm choosing you always

I know making these choices was what was best for us because this time spent with you since then has been the happiest of my life and I mean that sincerely

And all I could think of at the wedding cerey the other night was the vows I would write to you

I would vow to support you no matter what, with work, with your test, with you furthering your coaching and education, I'd be here for it

I would vow to always be loyal to you above everyone else because you are the most important person in my life

I would vow to be honest with you, no matter how hard that may be or how scared I may be to do so

I would vow to always be the best person I can be because you deserve no less, and even if I suck at taking criticism I'd do my best to hear you out always

I would vow to respect you always, I would give you space when you ask for it and always speak to you as my equal and never question your feelings

I would vow to love you, whether it be through words or actions

Most importantly I would vow to choose you, to wake up every day and never be afraid to let the world know that I am yours and you are mine because you have given me the courage I have always lacked

And even though marriage is a long way away, I vow these to you now

I love you more than anything Bryan

I choose you as I always have and I always will ❤️

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

Words

"I'm going to win you over, sorry but I want you"

"You have no idea how much I like you"

"You're going to hurt me one day"

"I don't want you to keep your options open"

"Drive safe please"

"If it makes you uncomfortable I won't do it"

"Let's get you a toothbrush for my house"

"I'm going to get you flowers every month"

"I don't want to share you"

"Get your passport, I want to take you on a trip"

"If I moved out would you come with me?"

"It's important to me that my friends and family like you"

"Come spend Christmas Eve with my family"

"If we have kids one day, do you think they'll be good looking?"

"You're going to make a good mom"

"It didn't matter to me where we went, just that I was with you"

"Thank you for motivating me"

"Get your doctorate. There's no rush, I support you"

"Thank you for being there for me"

"Dress nice, I'm taking you out but it's a surprise"

"You said you wanted to go so I'm taking you"

"I knew after the first night"

"We just vibed, I can't explain it"

"It's our special day"

"You're so far away, come cuddle with me"

"You're so beautiful and smart"

"Don't leave stay over tonight"

"Let's do something with your family"

"I appreciate you"

I realized my last post was harsh, and although you mostly show love through actions, I started thinking about all the ways you've told me loved without me realizing that's what you were trying to say

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

Actions

How different it is to love someone who shows love through actions

Someone who says I love by remembering your coffee order and your favorite band

By taking time to plan trips and new adventures

By showing you unconditional support in all that you do

By using you as motivation to improve their life, in more ways than one

By sacrificing their time and energy

And by having their arms open wide for you, always

It's a beautiful thing because as they say actions speak louder than words

It's like having someone screaming at the top of their lungs that they love you and you're important to them

Even though those words seldom leave their lips, you can tell by the look in their eyes they mean it

Perhaps that's why it hurts so bad when you pull away

I can handle the bickering and arguing, in person and through text

But to have you in the same room looking down when I glance your way

Acting as if I'm someone you can't stand, or worse, as if I'm a stranger

To see you laughing with others, seeing your face drop upon hearing my voice

The silence, the distain in your eyes, asking for a hug instead of a kiss goodbye

Acting as if I could get in the car and never come back and you wouldn't even bat an eye

That's what kills me

I rely on those actions to remind me you love me

I can't feel normal without your reassurement

That's why words are never enough after a fight

I don't count on your words to know how you feel, good or bad

I get a pit in my stomach, a knot in my throat, blushed in my cheeks until I get one of your reminders

Whether it be a kiss or sitting close enough that our legs touch

A tight embrace or the grasp of my hand

I notice the changes

All your actions, big or small, mean more to me than you'll ever know

It's a beautiful, scary, thing to be loved through actions

It's a beautiful, scary, thing to be loved by you

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

"Tell me when you write about me"

The first word that comes to mind when I think about you is whirlwind

That's how you entered my life

You entered with a force that commanded attention and turned everything upside down

I felt the storm brewing in your eyes in the early weeks I spent in your presence

I found myself blushing and trying to hide my smile every time I saw you

I didn't want you to notice the little linger that occured when I looked at you

The more I found out about you the more information I craved

I could listen to you talk for hours and not have had enough

I remember sitting next to you at the bar and having no idea what to expect

But conversation had never flown so naturally

As the hours flew by and we asked questions and laughed and laughed

If I could I would have frozen time and stayed right there the whole night

I felt no pressure to be anyone but myself

For once I felt like myself was enough

That night was all it took for you to comandear my thoughts

We filled the following weeks with nonstop talking and memories that warm my heart to think about

I know you'll say you wanted more from the start but I believe in the beginning we were friends

And that was enough to make me feel full

That's when I knew I was in trouble

After getting that feeling of satisfaction from you I knew nothing else would feel like enough

I had to know what it would feel like to be more so I pushed the boundaries

It was wrong but in the moment felt so right

You took the step that brought us over the edge and I'm so glad you did

I could no longer pretend I'd be satisfied just being your friend

You held my hand through the transition and always told me to do what I had to do for me even if that didn't include you

You were patient even when it hurt

I don't think I could have made it through without you because leaving him behind was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do

They say that everything happens for a reason

Maybe I met you because it was time for me to let go, move on and grow up

Maybe you failed your test so you would meet me

I believe there's a reason we were brought into each other's lives

It's too soon to tell if this is forever

But I can tell you I'm happy and I feel loved and I feel like the love I'm giving is appreciated

I hope I make you happy

I'm sorry for the times I hurt you

Whether you know it or not you saved me

You created a change in me

No matter how this plays out I'll always be thankful for you

I'll always do my best to repay you some how

We braved the storm so hopefully it's smooth sailing from here on out

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

Some asshole I work with

To the guy who commanded everyone’s attention from simply walking into the auditorium 

To the guy who put himself in front of me and welcomed me with a smile as if he knew just how intimidated I was to be there 

To the guy who invited me to sit at his table and still tried to talk to me even after I blew him off

To the guy who made me laugh on stressful days and took a chance on inviting me out for drinks

To the guy who made me smile and laugh for hours, while getting me out of my introverted shell

To the guy who asked questions and listened to my answers as if one day they’d be important things for him to know

To the guy who took me to the haunted house and let me hold his arm without laughing at me for being a wimp

To the guy who spent weeks taking me to dinner, drinks with friends, shopping, museums, and movies even when I was going home to the arms of someone else

To the guy who kept the conversation going and the texts coming even from across the world

To the guy who took a leap of faith on me even when I couldn’t promise him anything but my lips in that moment 

To the guy who let me cry in his bed and still listens to my ramblings about lost love, pain and guilt 

To the guy who makes going to work not feel like a chore 

To the guy who holds my hand the whole time as he leads me out of my comfort zone 

To the guy who I have fun with whether I’m falling on my ass in the snow, seeing a show with a band I’ve never heard of, or whining at the gym about how much I don’t want to be there

To the guy who can’t stay mad at me for more than a couple minutes and who too afraid to tell me how strong his feelings truly were 

To the guy on this wild ride with me and lights up every time he sees me

Thank you for your time and your support

Thank you for always being yourself and for encouraging me to be myself 

Thank you for always being honest 

Thank you for welcoming me into your life without a title

Thank you for your patience

Thank you for putting your trust in me

Thank you for taking a chance on me 

But above all thank you for being my best friend

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

Down the rabbit hole

She followed a path she knew as well as the back of her hand

Through the woods then back home again

Seeing the same sites, relying on their consistency

It reassured her everything was how it was meant to be

Walking hand in hand with someone she wanted to travel with forever

But one day she noticed their footprints getting further apart

His on one side of the path hers on the other

Familiar faces around them started to fade into the dark

One day it suddenly occurred to her, they were all alone

What were once sunny days turned to cloudy nights

She felt them both smiling less and less

She saw forks in the road she wished to take but feared he wouldn't follow

So she stayed on his path, never moving out of his site

Walking the same path day and night

Then one day she stumbled upon a hole in the ground

It wasn't like her to think twice about such a thing

But when his back was turned she jumped right in

And down she fell to a place so wonderful she couldn't believe her eyes

There were bright colors and characters

There was fun and games

She laughed and felt as though her true self could really show

But then it caught her eye

The clock, the time, she had to go

Back up she went meeting his hand on the path home

In the days that followed she couldn't get that magical place out of her mind

She tried and she tried

There was an undeniable pull that overcame her every chance it got

Every time she jumped in she tried to stay a little longer

Savor every second she could in this magical place

And when she wasn't there she was thinking about it nonstop

She once thought love was solemn and grey

Now she thought it could be shining, shimmering, yellow

Eventually she was making excuses for where she'd go when she went away

She saw how hard it was for him to walk alone

She walked with him as long as she could but after time she could no longer deny

While the path they were on was one she chose with confidence there was no way for her to predict the future

That the path that was once new and exciting had turned into a rut

And although she still took comfort with her hand in his it was time for them to forge new trails

She knew that as much more as there was out there for her there was for him

She had to let him go to find his magic hole in the ground

So he can see the colors too

And he can feel the warmth and love he so deserves

Every day she wishes he could have come with her to find this feeling

But the sad truth not all paths lead to forever

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

Life is a ride

It builds up to the highs and sends you hurdling back down when you least expect

Just when you think you have it all figured out you are sent down a track of uncertainty

You could be in love ready to start the rest of your life

Working a job that makes you feel fulfilled and satisfied

Excelling in school studying a subject you’ve never loved more

Then you meet someone who makes you question it all

Take care of your loved one, go to work, study for school

Day in day out that’s the way it goes

Predictable hills and valleys

But what about friends

What about slowing down to enjoy the scenery

When was the last time you had fun

Have you ever done anything for yourself

Has anyone ever made you think about these things

When I met him I felt settled

I felt content with the way things were

I’m not someone who asks for very much

Making sure everyone else has what they need is enough for me

I thought my life was at a precipice and it would be smooth sailing on my way down

I was wrong

If the track is happiness I don’t think I had ever been lower

And I didn’t realize the stress was even there until it wasn’t

Until I was sharing stories and laughing through a smile that had never been wider

I didn’t feel the isolation until I had someone to share my genuine thoughts and fears with

I didn’t understand the toll life had taken on me until I tried to think of things I’ve done for myself

Not one thing came to my mind and that was like being jerked abruptly from my seat

How can someone so happy not name a single thing they did for fun in their recent years

How can someone 23 years young know what she wants for the rest of her life

And how do you move forward

Do you abandone the path you followed for two years

A path that reminds you of feeling safe, secured, and strapped in tight

Or do you take the sharp turn

And for what reason

You realized he might not be enough

Even though he’s done is best to be what you wanted

Do you send him through a loop and tell him the truth that you’re not sure if you can keep the promises you’ve made

But more importantly should you worry about how it will effect him at all

Isn’t that the point of this all

Realizing you’re on this ride alone and have to find a way to loosen your hands off the grip

You have to let go and breathe for you and no one else

You have to be able to scream and laugh and cry without thinking about the people in the other seats

You should want to open your eyes to all that’s in front of you

Not shut your eyes and hope for the best

Life is a ride

Try to enjoy it before it ends

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

For You

Streaks of daylight through the curtain

Birds chirping in the yard

The warmth of your body against my back

Soft lips pressed to my neck

Heart thumping

Stomach fluttering

Body aching for you

From the moment I awake

To the second I fall asleep

Text message reminders that I love you

Impatiently waiting for the day to end

To get the call you're on your way home

To hear that knock on the door

Passionate kiss

Big embrace

A welcoming smile

Questions about your day

A combination of laughing and consoling

A pairing of TV and ice cream

You hold me while I hold you

Until the day is done

This is my life with you

It may not be perfect

Some days may be hard

But you make it worth it

And I wouldn't have it any other way

My love

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I have struggled with my body image since I was 7 years old, for 15 years I've struggled to stay consistent with myself. I went through years of binge eating and avoiding spending time with people because I felt so lousy to periods of skipping meals and being out with people constantly. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and convince myself what I saw was good enough and other times I cried. One of the hardest days of my life when I got on the scale for the first time in years and came to the horrifying realization that I was over 200 pounds at only 19 years old. Since that day I have committed myself to making a conscious effort to eat the right foods and being active as often as possible. While the weight was coming off and the scale was going down it was so easy, I would put in the work and have something to validate that work. For the last 2 years I've been in the maintaining stage which has been so much harder mentally. I'm physically the strongest I've ever been and I love working out and eating healthy is a no brainer, plus I've just learned to love that food. But there's a constant fear of going back, there's frustration every time the scale goes up even half a pound, there's no more dramatic change going on with how my body looks. Even though I reached my "goal" I will never stop struggling so here's a little pat on my back to remind myself I have plenty to be proud of and I should never stop working to be the best I can be.

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

Porcelain

It's such a delicate state to be in, to allow one person to posess all the love in your heart

One wrong move could cause a crack which would lead to the whole thing crumbling around you

It's like walking on egg shells trying to find balance between loving yourself and loving them

Although at times it's exhausting, it never feels like a burden

Part of it is relieving because you've proved time and time again it's safe to be this vulnerable with you

Loving you is as smooth and beautiful as the skin of a porcelain doll

Please treat me gently and I promise to always love you with care

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I texted you for your birthday

(Even though for the first time you missed mine)

You sounded happy

(Not necessarily because you were hearing from me)

You told me about all the new exciting things in your life

(Without asking what was going on with me)

There was so much I wanted to tell you about

(And you stopped answering less than 10 messages in)

I’m happy we’re both happy

(But sad we never kept in touch)

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I always knew

My earliest memory of you spans back 9 years to 8th grade history class. I remember the sight of you walking in on the first day and thinking "wow I've never seen a cuter face" I was extremely shy and insecure so never in a million years would I approach you, but I do remember asking other people about you. I remember people describing you as extremely quiet and wondering if you were insecure too. We did a project involving music and everyone else picked songs that were over played or that I had never heard of, but then one came on that I recognized, that I liked, and sure enough you were the one standing up there. I remember wishing I had the courage to talk to you but stopping myself because you would never like a nobody girl like me.

High school came along and I was lucky enough to have a class with you, and even luckier to have a teacher who sat you right by me. I remember lusting over you even though I was in a relationship, I couldn't talk myself out of the attraction I felt towards you. Then you became friends with the group I had been hanging out with and I thought "this is my chance!" But once again I chickened out of approaching you because you would never like someone like me.

As ashamed as I am to admit this, I creeped on your profiles and noticed you had a girlfriend from another town. I remember seeing comments you would leave on her pictures and thinking "she's so lucky to have someone who cherishs her like that" and it made me like you even more. But once that relationship ended I started to hear rumors about you, people were connecting you with girls who were trashy and obviously didnt deserve you. As upset as that made me, what upset me more was hearing that you cheated on girls and hopped from one to the next without a second thought. It went against everything I thought about you but then again I had barely ever spoken to you so maybe I had just been wrong all along.

You became acquainted with my boyfriend at the time and it gave us something to talk about. I swear every time you looked at me to talk I must have turned red as a tomato. I probably even seemed stand-offish because I didn't want to say too much and come off annoying.

Then freshman year came to a close and I never thought I would see you, let alone have you at my house multiple times that summer. But lucky for me I had a best friend who was far less shy, and unlucky for me she was attracted to you too. She didn't hesitate to invite you over once she got your number and I remember how much laughing the three of us did those days. You had fully come out of your shell and you weren't afraid you make a fool of yourself by singing and dressing up. I remember on one of those few days my boyfriend texted me to break up with me when we were hanging out and I broke down into tears right in front of you. I remember my best friend told you to give me a hug and you did and I got goosebumps. At that point I stopped crying because of him and started crying because I was making such a fool of myself in front of you, but you never made me feel stupid. You let me vent and you went right back to making me laugh, I doubt you even remember that day but I do.

When sophomore year started I was disappointed to see we didn't have any classes together and even more disappointed to see you had a new girlfriend who was at our school. You stopped hanging out with my friends and you seemed happy, and I was happy for you. You treated her so well, I would see the way you would parade her proudly in the halls and the way you would publicly write her love letters on facebook. And she loved you back just as much. She was gorgeous with big hazel eyes, curly blonde hair and perfectly thin yet curvy body. Everyone swooned over how cute you two were and as jealous as I was, part of me was so happy to see you were happy.

Life continued to take us further apart as high school drew on, no more classes together, no mutual friends anymore and both us with someone we were serious about. Thanks to the internet though, when things start to fall apart everybody notices and everybody talks about it. People would talk about your relationship all the time, about how she was controlling and you were doing things behind her back. I felt bad for you because at one point you guys seemed really happy. I remember considering reaching out to you because I knew how bad the on and off cycle felt with someone you loved, but it had been almost 3 years since we talked so I figured it wasn't my place.

High school ended and other boys were the last thing from my mind but you were never completely erased. I would see things and hear about you every here and then, always with younger girls who were thin as a toothpick (further reminding me I would never be your type). I spent a couple years being down on myself in a relationship that no longer made me happy, and became someone I truly didn't like. Not too long after I committed to living a better life I heard about you for the first time in years, unfortunately you had hooked up with one of my best friends. My heart dropped when she told me because I spent all those years wondering what it would be like to be with you and she got to experience it. I was actually relieved to hear you blew her off after because I didn't think I could bear it if you two got together.

For the months that followed my friends news I thought about you a lot, she said you had changed so much since high school and I wanted to see what she meant. Then just before my relationship crumbled to unfixable pieces I heard about you again, you had hooked up with a friend of a friend and blew her off too. It was sad hearing girls report such bad things about you because no matter what I remembered the quiet boy from 8th grade history class, the boy who wrote such beautiful things to girls he loved and the boy who made me smile when I was going through a rough time.

Then it happened, I was single for the first time in 5 years and you did something you had never done since I had known you. You liked a picture of me, a picture I posted weeks before, a picture of me in a time where I finally felt comfortable with myself. I swear my heart skipped a beat when I got that notification, (and I probably read way too much into it now that I think about it). I had to plan my next move strategically because I still didnt want you to think I was annoying, it was like I turned back into the 15 year old girl who would blush when you looked at me in class. To my surprise you liked another one of my pictures back after I liked one of yours. After we went back and forth a couple times I was losing hope that you would actually reach out and talk to me, so I did something in had never done. I made the first move, but you can bet your ass I agonized over that first message for hours before hitting send.

The rest is kind of history because after a couple hours of talking I knew we were going to be something special. When we hung out and we kissed I wondered why we hadn't been doing this all along. Our timing was finally right and I couldn't let you out of my life again. I was finally the girl who you were writing beautiful love letters to, I was finally the girl you were showing off, and for the first time in a long time we were both happy.

Finally the feeling I felt when I first saw you made sense, my heart knew before I knew. You are the one for me, and the only thing that ever held me back was how I felt about myself. It took me 9 years after we met to learn to love myself and when I achieved that the world rewarded me with you. I just wanted you to know if I could have been yours all this time I would have been. You always have been and always will be special to me.

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

I don't believe in God, but I pray every night that I'll never have to know what it feels like to try to get over you

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

The fear of bothering people or being an inconvenience cripples me from reaching out to people, even when I miss them so much it hurts

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

Day in and day out

I love being a part of your daily routine

Each day begins with a sweet greeting

"Good morning beautiful"

"I hope you slept well"

Then it's off to work but work doesn't begin without an assurance that you made it there safely

And with that comes the first "I love yous" of the day

As the hours go on we send updates, pictures and news (some times good some times bad)

That's when the "I miss yous" begin

When the sun starts to go down I sit and wait for the text I look forward to all day long

"I'm on my way home!"

You are my home and I am yours

The days end with a recap of what we missed

And reminders of how loved we both are by one another until it's finally time to rest our sleepy eyes

If a day goes by where we miss even one of these steps you notice

You're not afraid to confront me when something changes

If something happened to me, you would notice

If I went missing

If I reach a low point mentally

If I'm ready to give up

You notice

It's a relieving feeling to have the answer to something I often wondered

"if something happened to me, would anyone even miss me?"

I know you would miss me

Because I've been lucky enough to become part of your daily routine

And knowing that is what keeps me going

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

You are my past year of joy and memoires, You are my present obsession, And you are the future I've always dreamed of

[cannyouuhearmenoww]

We're never going to be on the same page As the days go on I get more and more selfish While you sacrifice piece by piece of your hopes and dreams