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possibly the greatest asoiaf moment ever is when jon gets the letter about bran waking up and mormont expects him to grieve because “sorry kid :( it’s actually bad news :( he’s never going to walk again :(” but jon is all like “my brother is going to live !!!” and then he races out of the room and tells everyone he passes that “my brother is going to live !!!” and he gets back to the common hall and picks tyrion up and spins him around and makes him read the letter too because “my brother is going to live !!!” and he’s so giddy that he befriends grenn and tells thorne to go fuck himself and then everybody laughs and jon is just so happy because “my brother is going to live !!!”

meanwhile bran is back in winterfell listening to robb’s bannermen whisper about how death is a kinder fate than his, how they should’ve just let him die, how he’s too broken to be alive—with no idea that his big brother is out there celebrating because bran is going to LIVE !!!

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you push a seven year old off a tower one time 🙄

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i should be able to curl up and fall asleep without it giving me back or neck problems

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jon really is Cat's son cause he's the only guy that prioritizes arya's safety and sansa's rights like not even robb could deliver. FAMILY DUTY HONOR

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Smiling, he seized his dragon, flew it across the board. "I hope Your Grace will pardon me. Your king is trapped. Death in four."

The prince stared at the playing board. "My dragon—"

"—is too far away to save you. You should have moved her to the center of the battle."

"But you said—"

"I lied. Trust no one. And keep your dragon close."

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other characters have to go to harrenhal to achieve the level of haunted that ned stark is on an average day in king's landing

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jaime is unfortunately every lannister’s favourite lannister, but he has to constantly choose between each of them

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CHARACTERS THAT HAVE SUCCESSFULLY CLEARED TASK 1- “DO NOT GET FUCKING STUCK IN THE RIVERLANDS” (non-exhaustive) (only applies to characters who have actually been to the Riverlands):

Tywin Lannister- despite hanging out in Harrenhal for a hot sec, I must concede that it was not the Riverlands that got him. He got got by The Cycles. Many would say “Oh he got killed by the Harrenhal curse” and while that was in the water, it was not what killed him. Blaming Harrenhal for Tywin is like blaming your prostate cancer for a gunshot. Separate issue.

Tyrion & Cersei- Cersei and Tyrion have definitely been to the Riverlands but evidently they’ve been quick enough about it that they’ve never been caught by it. Don’t worry, though. The Cycles are coming.

Ned Stark- passed through the Riverlands multiple times, seemingly without issue. Fell victim instead to the Stark variant of Task 1- “never go south”, “and definitely don’t go TWICE”, “and CERTAINLY you must never go to King’s Landing if you can possibly help it!!”, “(that place is full of wickedness!! Better to stay at home instead and prepare for winter)”, “(for real, though. Do you know how many beets you have? Go check.)”.

Sansa Stark- an interesting case where her dog/the sacred manifestation of her soul in the form of a very sweet dinosaur puppy/etc was murdered, and this seems to have been enough for Sansa to escape the Riverlands unimpeded. Thus far she has avoided re-engaging with it by traveling via boat. Compare with Arya, whose soul dog survived and is now roaming the Riverlands, thus tying Arya back to the Riverlands on top of spending two books there. Unfortunately, Sansa has fallen victim to the same blunder as her dad (see above), but I’m holding out hope for her.

Walda Frey Bolton- Walda Frey, displaying more circumspection than any of her relatives, has employed the ingenious tactic of marrying out of the Riverlands. Thus far, it seems to be working. Her other relatives who’ve gone north have not met with her level of success! But! WATCH THIS SPACE. As we know, marrying out did not save Catelyn. Returning home is highly unadvisable. Also, Walda married Roose Bolton, which puts her in the immediate orbit of Ramsay, who is not noted for his kind treatment of innocent women

Aegons 4&5- okay I don’t remember off the top of my head whether 4egon ever actually went to the Riverlands but I’m assuming he did because at least three of his mistresses that I can remember were from there. 4egon actually dodged basically every curse hurled at him it’s quite impressive. Egg, meanwhile, definitely did go to the Riverlands and even married a Riverlander! And he didn’t get killed by the Riverlands at all! Just, you know. The Targaryen prophecy bullshit. Still, good job guys 👍

Betha and Aly Blackwood (accepting nomination on behalf of all the Riverlander ladies who’ve successfully escaped by marrying out, not that there are many)- these two are historical examples of the Walda/Cat strategy: if you marry out of the Riverlands, you might just escape it. This is a big gamble, as Cat’s case demonstrates how it can horribly backfire on you. But, to the best of my knowledge, Betha and Aly’s eventual deaths had nothing at all to do with the Riverlands, probably inspiring many little Riverlanders to do the same 🖤 role models!

Gregor Clegane- despite pillaging the Riverlands, setting up shop in the black hole of Harrenhal, and later dying, I do begrudgingly have to give the Mountain his due by saying that his death was not the Riverlands’ fault. Interestingly, despite not actually being a Lannister, he’s actually very clearly under a Lannister-type curse of The Cycles, and as we’ve established, that’s a whole different kettle of fish

Bloodraven and Bittersteel- actually. You know what, I’m not actually sure that these two idiots have cleared it. Bloodraven and Bittersteel did escape the physical sphere of influence of the Riverlands by going as far north and east as it was possible to go, respectively. However, 1) they got into a Blackwood v Bracken feud which is one of the classic Riverlands sinkholes right after Harrenhal and I don’t know that they ever got out of that, and 2) apparently we don’t know where the Redgrass Field was?? And if it’s technically in the Riverlands then I’m afraid they did NOT clear the task because these two are stilllllll there. Yes, that’s right, dead-ass Bittersteel is stiiiiillllll there and tree-ass Bloodraven is DOUBLE still there. George I need to know these thingsssss.

Nettles- the one, the only, the peerless and matchless Nettles, rider of Sheepstealer, who was shacked up in Maidenpool (Riverlands) with Daemon T for a hot minute, and unlike him, she got clear free of the Riverlands and fucked off forever!! Never got caught and never looked back!!!!! That’s how it’s done!!!!!!!!!!

👑 Howland Reed- now HERE is a man who knows how to avoid a malevolent curse. “But Vi!” you may be saying, “Howland is clearly still affected by the Tourney! Just like the rest of his generation!” Ah, but there you’d be mistaken! Howland Reed’s experiences with Harrenhal have not gotten him killed, unlike everyone else in the Rebellion generation, which suggests to me that Howland used the whole Harrenhal thing as a kind of inoculation against the Riverlands. Either that, or being from the Neck gives you a natural advantage. Either way! Employed canoe travel.

Conclusions: marry out of the Riverlands if you’re a Riverlander, and consider marrying a Riverlander if you’re not one (to be clear, if you live in the Riverlands, it’s hopeless). The best defense against the Riverlands is to never go there at all, followed by being from the Neck. And last, if you’ve got a separate curse, such as Targaryen Prophecy Bullshit, Lannister Cycles, or Stark’s Snowmelt, then you might manage to avoid getting stuck in the Riverlands, much as being dead already might save you from being killed by a barracuda. If none of these options avail themselves to you, we recommend boat or dragon travel and/or other travel speedrun (must be outsourced to writer). Good luck and travel safely!

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*trots over to you with a pinecone gift* do you wanna be friends…..

awoooooo!!!!! 🩶🩶🩶🩶

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CHARACTERS WHO HAVE FAILED TASK 1- “DO NOT GET FUCKING STUCK IN THE RIVERLANDS” (non-exhaustive):

Jaime Lannister- this bitch was stuck there for a book and a half and WHAT did he do as SOON as he got home? Gentle reader??? What did he do????? That man walked RIGHT BACK in there. Did nottttttt learn his lesson from the last time he went to the Riverlands to help his family out. Has been to Harrenhal too many times. No-hoper!

Brienne of Tarth- ever since Renly died she has been stuck in the Riverlands. Runs around in circles saving orphans, who are ALSO stuck in the Riverlands. Oxygen masks, my friends ☝️

Catelyn Tully Stark- we thought she could do it!! We thought she could get out!! She married out and everything!!! And THEN she even DIED!!!! But even death will not save you from Getting Stuck In the Riverlands. Let this be a lesson…

Beric Dondarrion- got stuck in the Riverlands and could not be freed by death until he passed on the curse to someone else. But don’t worry! He’s still there. In the minds of the Riverlanders he lingers yet…

The Brotherhood Without Banners- stuck in the Riverlands. Loras Tyrell, Ned did you a favor by not letting you go with them!!!

Various and sundry orphans- inclusive Gendry, Edric D, Willow, etc: STUCK!!!!!!

Pod- I understand the instinct to flee King’s Landing to the Riverlands, much as I understand the instinct to flee Scylla’s heads in favor of Charybdis. I really do understand it. But the thing is that Charybdis is actually a lot more certain to kill you than Scylla is. Because Scylla is not sucking you in, she’s just kinda jabbing and bobbing and weaving and taking your head off if she can, while Charybdis will Swallow You Whole. STUCK!

Sandor Clegane- you can all but die, renounce your name and your life, and start over on an island that is very nearly not even IN the Riverlands! and all it will do is prove that you are not getting out of the fucking Riverlands.

Arya Stark- spends TWO WHOLE BOOKS and crucial parts of another in the Riverlands and even now that she is ACROSS THE FUCKING OCEAN from the Riverlands her soul is still. roaming around the Riverlands.

Vargo Hoat & co.- proving that the Riverlands eat everyone, good and bad alike!

Daemon Targaryen- got so stuck in the Riverlands he and his double murder-suicided each other

Aemond Targaryen- see above

Robb Stark- got stuck in the Riverlands!! Despite valiant attempts to a) go West, and b) go back home, HE GOT STUCK in the glue trap known as the Riverlands!!!

Rhaena Targaryen (Rhaena the Lesbian)- she seems to have been chill about it but she did in fact get stuck in the Riverlands at crucial points in her life, such as notably the end of it

Red Wedding “guests”- big long list but this includes current prisoners, current dead people, the bride, the groom, and the entirety of House Frey, barring the ones running around getting cannibalized up north who I will concede did get out of the Riverlands.

Harrenhal’s ghosts- as seen with Rhaena, Daemon, Aemond, the Curse of Harrenhal, the Tourney of Harrenhal, etc, one of the best ways for the Riverlands to Get You is through Harrenhal, a big fucking haunted house-ass castle which is like the black hole in the middle of the Riverlands glue trap. If you get sucked in you are NOT getting out. Cumulative effect! The more people get trapped by Harrenhal, the better Harrenhal is at Getting You. WATCH OUT!!!

That Fucking Bear- ITS CORPSE YET ROTS. IN THE PIT.

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does my gay little dance

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“He had a weirwood's eyes. Red eyes, red mouth, white fur. Blood and bone, like a heart tree. He belongs to the old gods, this one. And he alone of all the direwolves was white.”

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daenerys and her silver

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��<3

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"And Arya thought, Run, Weasel, run as far as you can, run and hide and never come back."

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I really, really, really like how grrm subverts the young adult protagonist expectations with arya. chosen one enough to just pick up a sword and be adept with it? while being cutesy clumsy? NO! you’re going to have to practice and stumble and poke yourself and get hurt before you get good at it. Big sword with no strength training? NO! learn with a skinny one like the child you are. go on an adventure as a princess in hiding, its harrowing! hang out with the lower rung of society and forget about them once you’re back in your high castle? NO! understands social stratification and how cruelly it mashes those it deems low and weak like a boss. have 50 boys pining after you? NO! a ragtag of bigger boys than you who bully you. adventure takes you to different lands and you lose yourself along the way and never come back? NO! you’re going to come back, you’re always going to come back. different roads sometimes lead to the same castle. every step you think is taking you away from winterfell is actually just bringing you right home. and none of it stops her from her great destiny but actively adds to it.

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Baby Stannis gently nursing an injured bird back to health when no one else would and naming her Proudwing until the bird loved him and perched on his shoulder and followed him around until he abandoned the her because Robert told him it was gay to have an animal friend who couldn’t do violence is still so evocative to me like I’m genuinely so so sad thinking about it