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After that, I hopped from group to group, never quite finding my place. I was very contrarian as a child so any popular media my classmates liked, I automatically hated it. Didn’t help me at all to make friends

At some point I started hanging out with these girls, they were nice enough, I thought maybe I had found my place and

And they began to play a game. It was “let’s run away from her and not let her catch up to us”

It wasn’t fun at all so I stopped being with them

So I just wandered around in circles through the playground, crying when I knew no one could see me cause I would rather die than cry in front of other people

I think this was the saddest moment in my life, I had never felt so alone, so helpless. I had essentially tried to be in every group and failed, there was nowhere left for me to turn

Well

Almost nowhere

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When I started school everyone had already made their friends

They had gone to the same kindergarten and played in the same parks. I hadn’t

I don’t think I had even interacted with people my age

So I didn’t really know how to make friends or socialize, can’t say I’ve learned

Nevertheless, I made a friend. She was my friend

I got a bit possessive, having had watched so many movies about two inseparable best friends, I couldn’t even fathom the possibility of sharing who was supposed to be my best friend

We got along pretty well, but she had other friends besides me. She was very social and I wasn’t, I followed her around cause I had no one else really

I was a bit temperamental at the time so I guess I didn’t exactly make a good first impression with her friends, I don’t think they liked me

Or maybe I was projecting because I definitely didn’t like them. There was no particular reason, they just stood between me and my best friend. Again, I was very possessive

Then we made another friend. He was nice, we were the ultimate trio imo. I was really into Harry Potter back then so that was all I had ever dreamed of, I remembered we would pretend we went to hogwarts or that we had the black pearl.

We had fun

Then they bullied him out of the school

Never really saw him until we were older but I didn’t dare to say hi, I wonder if he even remembers me at all….

So it was just me and my friend again. But she had other friends and I guess I was too selfish to stand that, so we parted ways

I hanged out with another group girls for a while, nlt as cool as my ex best friend

There was girl, she was kinda the boss, she was always being bossy I didn’t really like that

One day I got tired of her and hit her back when she turned around

She told the teachers but I was a rather well behaved student and denied it profusely so they believed me, claimed I just gave her a lil push

Honestly? I don’t really know which version is real. I always thought I hadn’t actually hit her but I highly doubt it now. I guess violent and possessive go hand in hand

That was my first and only time I hit someone

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When I was little

I had an older brother

He wasn’t nice

To me or to anyone

But he was my brother still, even if all he did was kinda bully me and my mom

And then he went to live to another country because my family couldn’t handle him anymore, went to live with his father

I understand why my family did it, I can’t hold it against them

It’s weird cause, I shouldn’t miss him (did I really even know him at all?) he has harmed my parents in unimaginable ways. But sometimes I find myself wondering about him, wondering what he’s doing and if he hates me, it’s scary to think he might

But, what really frightens me, is that it could happen to me.

That one day I’ll get too hard to handle for my family and they’ll just send me away and be glad that I’m gone

That they will hide my existence from my youngest relatives like I’m sort of mistake or a horrifying monster whose name you can’t even mutter, scared it’ll appear out of think air

The thought that they can just discard me like that… they could do it. I’m an adult now, wouldn’t even be ilegal, they could just kick me out

And every time I do smth wrong I can only think it might happen, that this it

It never is

Cause they love me and care about me and I’m their daughter, their sister, their niece, their granddaughter…

But sometimes I don’t understand why

Because, how can they love me when I can’t even love me myself?

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I wonder how long it’ll take before my family starts hating me

I’m already distant and quiet

Now I’m quick to anger too

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I used to be so happy and friendly

Now I can barely maintain a friendship

I’m supposed to be the happy supportive one, it’s all I’ve ever been good at

Now I can’t even do that right

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It’s so hard

There’s so much to do

So many… people I have to talk to

I can’t do it anymore

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I just can’t hold this in anymore

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It’s like screaming into the void

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I vent here

Please don’t mind it