captain-alcatraz

[captain-alcatraz]

What he dreams

He dreams of wisteria in May. Of jewels on gentle Spring days. Of pendants of purplish hues in the backdrop of lighter blue.

In May, he dreams of big cities and glittering lights and grander dreams. Of strangers with sunshine smiles. Of journeys of a thousand miles.

𝐹𝑜𝑟 ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑚𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑤𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑎 𝑖𝑛 𝑀𝑎𝑦. 𝑂𝑓 𝑓𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑖𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝑠𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑠 𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑠ℎ𝑒𝑒𝑡𝑠. 𝑂𝑓 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑔𝑎𝑧𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑘𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑠.

[captain-alcatraz]

Two ponds beneath your brows

The moon is marching into November. A grand entrance in all its splendor

To the beats of your heart, swaying into the labyrinth of your being

The fickle hands of the universe reap the seeds of heaven, a dawning grace when the clock strikes seven

To your delicate cry around the whole room

The singing of angels continues as you bloom

Struggling to breathe, trying to survive

Grasping for senses, the essence of life

Snowstorm brewed in your eyes

In your colour of wintry skies

Tomorrow things will be better.

You will have the courage to face the day.

The face of people.

Their voices and noises.

Your voices and noises.

And the world. 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑.

In sutures disguised as youth,

Let me be your beaming tribute

[captain-alcatraz]

I should’ve paint myself blue

I once asked him what his favorite colour was;

he told me that he likes blue—

all of its different shades and hues.

Blue skies;

blue waters;

blue eyes.

When I asked why,

he couldn’t explain.

But for the first time in forever

I saw his eyes sparkle again,

like he was finally at bliss,

at peace.

I once asked him what colour I was;

he told me that I was lilac.

I couldn’t bring myself to ask why.

𝐼 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑’𝑣𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑚𝑦𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑏𝑙𝑢𝑒.

[captain-alcatraz]

Lone Pine

More than a thousand different lifetimes, mother… you taught me to “have a bigger heart”. You dont know how to love me in a way that doesn't hurt. Your voice soothes me and your tone scars me. We share the kitchen table while you dream about a version of myself i will never be and i read and weep about the night you told me

“Be brave, be free—

But come home, to me”

[captain-alcatraz]

All human strive to thrive

Taki was only three when he first learned about neglect.

He is given birth to by his mother. He is brought home to a falling-apart trailer. He is fed and he is not fed enough. He is aged into a small being with opinions and some semblance of autonomy; his childhood is a video game and he is given three objectives: sit down, stay quiet, and cease to exist. He is made good at the last part; it is a god-like sort of art, and so he does. Silence is suited for him as well as he is suited for silence. 

He is uprooted like a wilting plant, no sunlight, chipped terracotta pot, placed, never planted. “Grow”, says the sunlight seeping between the drawn shutters, and he denies its case. He is made a masochist at all of eight-years-old, he is made for withering away. He is made mother, made martyr, made clever, made machine, made more.

His daydreams protect him from the harsh reality: his house never felt like a home, his room never felt like his. He will never feel fully himself within these walls.

Taki learned about neglect at the age of three. He is now sixty-three.

His lesson stopped last January.

[captain-alcatraz]

His life occurs when the clock commence in 9 and fin in 5

Tough, life is.

All living beings do whatever it takes to make ends meet. To be able to see yet another day.

Some people work 8 hours a day.

Some have it longer.

Some lucky ones have it shorter.

Some people sell food.

Some people sell joints.

Some others sell themselves.

“Everyone’s a whore, Grace. They just sell different parts of their body.”

[captain-alcatraz]

The dessert is sandy

Suddenly I’m sixteen once again, playing your favourite The Beatle’s songs under the tree. The sixteen-year-old us were so dumb and carefree. We dreamed of big cities and glittering lights without worry.

It’s November and my roses start to wither. They resembles our youth of rainbow and galaxy, spinning colours of warmth and vivacity. Of the sixteen-year-old us who were unwary of what the future has in store for you, without me.

Are you happy?

[captain-alcatraz]

We were in between countless maybe

Young adults, you used that term a lot.

We were two young adults neck-deep in the pool of our own ego and idealism. We thought we had the future planned and the world is in our hands.

Days after days under the harsh wind, hot sunlight scorching our skins as we revisited downtown Jakarta for the umpteenth time.

All dust and sun and dramatic lines. Nights after nights tangled in sheets, radiating heat of longing off our skins as we whispered sweet nothings.

All stare and kiss and promise.

[captain-alcatraz]

You’re playing pretend with tragedy

Go drown and dance to the beat of misery. You can always hide your mask behind the back of your bent words and play pretend in your own twisted parody. Still, at the end of the day, nothing can obscure the fact that you’re just a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

[captain-alcatraz]

My time was a waste land

Memories are rose petals in my grandmother’s garden. Some are big, some are small; some are fine, some have jagged edges with brown patches. They’re wasted away by the weather we call emotions; rainy and stormy and sunny, sadness and anger and happiness.

Some petals bloom and keep their colours, others turn pale, wilt and wither. We tend to ones we want to remember. The rest is the forgotten, patiently waiting for their return — maybe, sometimes, at some point — as the reminiscence.

My petals died last year.

[captain-alcatraz]

Death of a Bachelor

Talking to a friend has always been a leisure, specially on days like today.

“They told me I was not appropriate to attend his funeral looking like that.” I said breaking the silence.

“What did you wear?” She asked.

I put down my first freshly brewed coffee of the day, slowly looking up to her “My biggest smile.”

[captain-alcatraz]

Dawn to dusk

The short paragraphs that summarized months of war, ones you despised because they told it all wrong, turned to puzzles before you. Your whisper tore through the silence, quiet words strained with tension and broken with tears you were barely able to keep at bay. “I’m sorry.”

"I suppose you do love me, in your way," you said to him one night close to dawn when you lay on the narrow bed. "And how else should I love you—

in your way?" he asked, knowing you’re looking for love at all the wrong places.

[captain-alcatraz]

I am not my mother who loves a man in political matters

I am my own body, full of love, and I saw my heart shatters

I am trying to be okay and being fine was never my language

Fine spells like being kept full of people and you're the only hostage

I am not my father who loves a woman in silence

I am my own voice, loud and speak in violence

I squealed and mauled, and healing was never on my list

healing is an emergency exit that I missed

For a great demand of my existence

I keep a safe distance,

from a beast who likes to be called

Love.

"I am one of them, those who die when they love." - Mahmoud Darwish

[captain-alcatraz]

Dalam Bahasa Ibu

Kita sepakat tentang rupa-rupa orang berduka;

sederhana seperti caramu menyeduh teh saat pagi

rumit seperti menjaga bicaraku saat dilahap emosi

atau kacau

Seperti saat kita tahu

“Aku paham isi hatimu”

lebur menjadi;

“Kita bahas lain kali…” dalam bahasa ibu

[captain-alcatraz]

Tidak ada kabut di Amsterdam

Kata-kata lahir dari mulutmu

dan mati di telingaku

Kata-kata tidur dan terpejam

merangkak lalu gugur serupa dedaunan kala itu di Amsterdam

Kau ajak kata-kata menanam harap kala hujan

tapi aku

lama sekali aku menyemai kabut semu berisi keluh dan risaumu

Jauh di persimpangan antara ragu dan penasaran

Runtuh perlahan-lahan

Lantas karam

[captain-alcatraz]

005

Like ships that pass in the night,

Two yous drift apart,

Leaving memories in the wake of their departing hearts.

[captain-alcatraz]

004

Trying has always been my favorite traits in you.

That Sunday when we ran out of batteries to play my favorite retro tape I inherited from Grandpa and you running for your life to a nearest store or maybe it was four.

Or when we were in college and classes seems suffocating,

you had trouble breathing, it was exam season and you cannot afford your grades dropping

Trying your best has always been your charm and you take pride in it.

Until it was me you had to sacrifice,

You were sobbing and it caught me off guard,

when I said "I tried" and you asked "How hard?"