captain-o-captain

[captain-o-captain]

I really can’t believe we all grew up together on this goddamn bitch of a website

[captain-o-captain]

if you ever want to know

what peace sounds like

wander among trees

at the first break of dawn

with grass under your feet

and you will know

the sound of water flowing

birds vocalizing and wind blowing

[captain-o-captain]

weaknesses puchne pe bola ki raat ko neend nhi aati agar din productive na rha ho aur perfection ke piche bhagte bhagte i forget when to stop...my own words are here to bite me i want to sleeep just please i need sleep jhut bola tha bhaiii

[captain-o-captain]

please i need a break and fuck it hasnt even started yet

[captain-o-captain]

they need to make a pocket dimension you can hide in where time doesn't pass and everything is soft

[captain-o-captain]

stressed? take a little nap. feel unlovable? snooze it out bestie. want to end it all? snork mimimi

[captain-o-captain]

btw every time i say 'oaaough' or some variation of that i am trying to convey this emotion

[captain-o-captain]

rereading untamed for the third time and

okay that like ‘the taming if tabitha feels….familiar’

umm if tabitha represents any woman or a young girl…born and raised in captivity…the yellow lab would stand in for all the woman who came before her? mostly her mother and sisters…elder woman of the family to set examples

[captain-o-captain]

I hope there is another homoerotic antagonism show coming soon because The Worst Of Evil destroyed me, The Devil Judge broke me bc they parted ways, Beyond Evil made me sad bc they parted ways, The Merciless killed me, D.P. also made me sad, can I please for the love of God have a show where the two main characters stay together until the end or do I have to learn Korean move to South Korea and become a screenwriter myself

[captain-o-captain]

“Growing Around Grief”

Lois Tonkin, 1996

[captain-o-captain]

the vocabulary of loss is the dictionary

[captain-o-captain]

adult life is crazy because you can be going through the most devastating and heartbreaking things while still having to go to work and do the laundry and grocery shopping

[captain-o-captain]

running errands like kurt vonnegut

[captain-o-captain]

the thing about living with mental illness for decades is that occasionally your brain will be like hey you're useless and should kill yourself and your only real reaction is cmon man right now im in the middle of something

[captain-o-captain]

doomed by the narrative but not to death. doomed to survive. doomed to stay alive inside the story. doomed to never escape the narrative, not even through death. you are allowed no exit. there is no way out for you and there never was. you couldn’t die if you wanted to. the narrative has a hold on you and it won’t let go. death is too sweet a doom for you. the story has something much worse in mind. there is no way out.

[captain-o-captain]

so when straight people ask me why I say I’m “queer” or “gay” instead of sharing my actual identity as a panromantic demisexual non-binary sapphic queer I just tell them “ok look, when you’re talking to someone who isn’t local and they ask you where you’re from and you either say the name of the largest city nearby or ‘town name, suburb of large nearby city’ so they can get some geographical context of where you’re located right, bc they’re probably not going to know the name of the little town you actually live in.”

but if you’re talking to a local you can say the name of your actual town bc they have a greater chance of knowing where/what that is.

ok well when I’m talking to a straight person I start with queer bc chances are they aren’t as familiar with the context of all the little towns in that big queer city and need gps (gay positioning system) to find me.

if I’m talking to another queer person and I say I live in a suburb of gay city in a town called panromantic on the demisexual side of the tracks which is in the county of queer and I live off the intersection of non-binary and sapphic, they’d probably be able to find me with little to no problems, make sense?

[captain-o-captain]

ping ponging back and forth between seeing immense beauty everywhere and feeling deeply like i am in hell