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05.05.25
I'd never even thought this was possible but I have been feeling unloved and lonely in my marriage. My husband used to make me feel loved and cared for by the way he noticed every little detail and took care of anything that could potentially hurt me or simply inconvenience me. But recently he does not even do things that I've asked for three times and if I don't repeat my instructions, there are times he never gets anything right even tho he has done it countless times. I know this is mostly because he's stressed out in his work, so I tried my best to not complain. But I'm tired too. I'm a fulltime mom with a 10 week-old. I'm exhausted, I'm stressed and I want to vent, I want to be myself and not have to suppress my feelings. I want to feel taken care of. And ofc, my parents have been such great help but I can't really expect to rely on them mentally as well.
I'm just so drained. And the only thing cheering me up is my baby smiling and cooing at me when we play together, or when she sleeps soundly in my arms, for all of which I'm grateful.
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12.03.25
My mom and I didn't have the best relationship during my younger years. But as I grew, I've realised she has never ever failed me in my darker days. Whatever happens, she always makes me understand that I am her top priority and she'd do anything as long as it's for my well-being.
When I was struggling in the UK, she begged my dad to let me come home (he wanted to make me stay while having his friends' kids who were also studying over there come to me and try to convince me). My mom didn't want to bet on that. Her baby was hurting and she wouldn't want to wait another day.
When I was having severe insomnia and health anxiety, my mom accompanied me on a walk every single night and always had my dad prepare a chilled coconut for me to drink at the end of the day. She woke up early boiling herb water that she heard would help me sleep so that I could bring it to work every day. She drove me to and from work too.
And now that I'm in the newborn trenches with my first baby, she goes to my home and takes the night shift so I can sleep 4-5hrs uninterrupted, on the sofa with my husband. And when I was stressed out wondering why the baby seems to be unable to settle or sleep in my arms, she told me 'The baby will sleep when the baby wants to sleep. I don't do anything different from what you do. Unless the baby cries or screams, let her be.' Unlike my dad who tries to lecture me or give me 'tips', my mom just quietly shows me how to do things patiently and give myself more grace. I also have troubles with low supply so my baby is mostly fed with formula. When it comes to breastfeeding, my dad thinks people who don't bf are lazy or haven't tried hard enough. But my mom just said she thinks if I can breastfeed, I'd have to spend less time making and washing bottles, which would be more convenient for me. They both think bf is the best option but my dad only thinks so for the sake of the baby, while my mom just wants me to have more time to rest.
Through my journey with pregnancy and now motherhood, I've come to see that while many people in my life, my dad included, have readily started to see me as the mother of my child first and foremost, my mom still sees me as her child. She loves her grandchild dearly but she always makes sure to ask me about me, about how I am doing and healing. And for that, I'll be eternally grateful.
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I rewatched a bit of Nigehaji today (it's been so long that I kinda forgot where I left off). Watching this makes me wish I would be able to cook for and take care of my loved ones, especially him more. I want that life.
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2023.03.18
一服
｜Instagram ｜blog｜
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I'm listening to Arashi for the first time since a while ago and I am tearing up as I recall the last time I was truly confident enough to say 'I am happy'. I discovered Arashi back in high school when I was preparing for my uni entrance exam and also going through long episodes of depression and bouts of anxiety. I was so mentally exhausted that my physical body finally caught on and I almost collapsed. My dad had to put IV drips on me because I kept getting high fevers and I remember not even feeling anything at all at that time. When I got up to pee, I just let my arm fall and the blood would travel back into the drip and I looked at it as if it was not my blood and my body was not mine. One day I found myself lying flat on the ground of the garage and felt so numb I must have put my own body into autopilot. And my fingers moved on their own when I texted one of my friends an sos, something along the line of 'come help me'. He was worried but did not do anything in particular and when he asked me about it the next day, I don't remember which answer I gave him.
My days were like that. Some details were vividly carved into my brains, some stuck out but some, no matter how important, left my memory as soon as it happened. There are probably clinical or scientific terms for all that happened to me (or 'not happened at all' in my head). But I never tried to learn about those, as I lived on carrying a body that sometimes did not even feel like mine.
But then one day, as I was lying on the sofa hooked on to another iv drip, I started watching a Japanese idol show that I downloaded randomly from a forum. It was a silly show. Arashi were introducing rare delicious mushrooms to their guest and a long wavy hair member (whose name i later learnt to be Aiba as he became my 'bias') made a very silly vulgar joke about the shape of a matsutake. And I laughed. I could actually feel myself laughing and I also felt my blood rushing back into the iv drip. And out of instinct, I quickly lifted it up to hurry it back into my body.
A couple of years ago, I watched the Arashi documentary on netflix and I cried so hard I got a fever again. I got to 'meet' them at such a difficult time of my life and they 'gave' me a chance at happiness. From the bottom of my heart, I could only wish they would be able to experience that happiness themselves. I hope they still are.
As for me, I have been miserable. I am not alone this time. Still, every day, it gets harder to cling onto the remnants of vitality that is left in me. I was depressed for such a long time and I am a lot older now that my body does not just respond to anxiety with simple fevers any more. My dad is still having to visit me and my mom is still delivering meals to my door every day now just to make sure that I function. Even though I have moved out 7 years ago and they are so much older than they were when I was in high school, they are still having to do all these to make sure their baby live.
As I listen to Arashi tonight, I wonder if I ever get to feel good again. That uncomplicated and straightforward emotion of that happiness when I saw Aiba being unable to move surrounded by pandas. That laugh that I let out that day.
I wonder if I would ever get to experience that again.
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i am a lover. but underneath that i'm a hater. and then underneath that i'm a lover again
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#8273 Matsuyama - Ehime, Japan Copyright © Takeuchi Itsuka. All Rights Reserved.
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