captainsakurasblog

[captainsakurasblog]

From 66 kg to 78kg

So ayun.... WTF!!!!

i guess , i really baby the feeling na “I deserve this!!!”, “ Malungkot ako, need kong kumain” or “ Pagod ako , I need this”.  I forgot to take care of me.

what is wrong me????

Im really a balyena now

Tall , Fat and Sad and Depressed

Not really too depressed but i worry about life most of the time

Im 24 now, i feel like my life doesn’t make any progress

Sometimes I pity myself. I asked God, “ Lord , bakit kaya ganto?, ang hirap hirap ng buhay ko”

Pero he gave me somehow a answer... it is not an answer actually , not even close to a solution but somehow, it makes me somehow thankful or grateful of what i have now.

The other day, i have my older colleague Ate Mercy, she said “ wala pa bang sahod? “ then i replied, “ ate wala pa, ako din, sahod na sahod ihhhh” , then she told me “ Di ako nagtanghalian kanina, tapos nag bisciut lang ako ngayon, wala na rin akong pamasahe pauwi, buti libre ang tren”, then sabi  ko “ eh ate , di ba after ng MRT , magjjeep ka pa, wala ka ng pamasahe? “ then she pulls out her wallet and start counting the coins left. After counting, ayun kulang. So ako na nagkusa, “ sige ate pautangin kita ng 50″ i said, then i go back sa office to get my wallet , i started counting my barya and gave her 50 pesos. I want to give her at least 200 kaso short na rin ako sa budget, wala na rin akong pamasahe sa mga susunod na araw pag di pa rin dumating ang sahod.

It was depressing. We work so hard but still not enough

Then there’s another one, Kuya Jano. Kuya Jano is a good friend of mine. We are not so close but i just knew he is very kind person. I remember him protecting my dear friend of mine , Dean. I can’t forget that.

Last Sunday he message me. He was asking if he can borrow some money from me. No amount in particular but he needs to come up with 6k amount. He said that the project he supposed to work on Cebu was cancelled or postponed and because of that he is very short in money. He can’t even go home because of this. So i told him that i can lend him some money on Tuesday or Wednesday ( pero ayun nga wala pa rin akong sahod until now) . I can lend him 1K just to help him somehow. It is not that much but this days of pandemic , we all struggle and we need to help each other somehow. 

Today he message me again , im kinda embarrassed cause i dont have money too. He said he has only 200 pesos left in his wallet and i felt pity to him. Hopefully tomorrow , may sahod na.

This evening, mama and i talked about the house ( our new house ) . We  both want to run away from our current houses. Me, i want to ran away from nanay while her, she wants to run away from papa. It is quite toxic in current houses and we dont  feel home anymore.

Plus i want to cut the expenses. Supporting two houses is too expensive. It is like im married but im not. I dont even have a boyfriend. Fuck this life. All i do is work and i dont even feel rewarded enough. 

i want a trophy of my hardwork somehow. I want direction and i want to see concrete things. Im working for 5 years and i dont see anything. I have nothing i can call my own. My own house or my car. This laptop is not even mine yet. 

i decided to little by little start fixing the new house and put some things in there. i want to buy appliances, new room for my kuya, new bed for me, new TV and a peace of mind.

this are the things that nanay dont understand. yes, of course im not married but i need to build my life apart from them. it is just that, they dont own me, im not their slave. Im not their employee. Im not a apartment that they can source money every month. She have money enough from pension ( sss and tito roy) .

What im gonna do with my life?

I dont know

What is the purpose of life?

I dont know

Will i ever be get married?

I dont know

will i ever have my own family ?

i dont know

is my existence will be meaningful?

fuck , i dont know

i dont even know why i exist

i justt wanna die or vanish or what ever

all i feel is loneliness, depression and anxiety

when i look at my face, i look so old for my age

when i look at my body, God no, im so FAT

when i look at my bank account, it is malnourished

when i look at my business , it is too thin 

when i look at my love life it is empty

when i look at my career, i dont see any direction

when i looked at the world, i see hopelessness

when i look at my family, i dont feel comfort

when i look at the people around me, i dont see friends

where am i heading?

what will i be someday?

what will happen?

im scared and im worried

may God help us all

[captainsakurasblog]

Goals

1.) Pinto sa Bahay 1 - 4k, May 7, 2022

2.) Pinto sa Bahay 2 - 4k , May 17, 2022

3.) Toilet Bowl - 4k, June 2, 2022

4.) CR sa Bahay - 4k, June 16, 2022

5.) Flooring sa Bahay - 4k, June 30, 2022

6.) Second Floor ng Bahay - 30k , December 2022

Gusto ko sanang mag Mt Pulag kaso mas importante to. Lord , tulungan nyo po ako. Para sa pamilya ko po to. Please sige na. Please Please. I will work hard po. Sana kayanin ko. Wala ibang tutulong sakin kundi ako lang. Please lord , Please!!!!!!!!!

[captainsakurasblog]

Today i get fired. My boss told be that i can still go back but im still fired. It was sugar coated but it still hurts. I thought i was prepared but im not. But i gotta be strong. I have to be. 2020 is really something. I get rejected by 3 guys consecutively and now by my boss. Fuck corona virus.

I looked forward for this year that this might be the year i will be going to africa. But im wrong. Now i have to start over. Lord please help me.

[captainsakurasblog]

Muli pong nagbabalik sa tumblr...

So alam na

May drama na naman po ang inyong ateng🤣

Pero share ko lang.

I started chatting this guy about 4 months ago. I knew him a year ago while i was a teacher in a school and he was taking a short course. Take note! He is older than me hahaha he is 5 years older than me i guess.

So when he suddenly hi at me in linkedin, i didn't ignore him because we met before though we didn't really talk to each other. This is not new to me because lots of my student like to say hi to me even currently i quit as a teacher. I entertain all of them beacuse it feels so nice when a student remembers me.

At first he chatted me because he has a urgent issue about his work and he needs my help. He said that there is no time for him to read a manual to troubleshoot the system that's why he message me for SOS. I help him right away... its nothing. I love helping my students in their problems like this cause it helps me to understand deeper what i teach. In short , helping them makes me learn even better.

He was very thankful and after that he message me everyday. He was abroad and im here in the philippines. He greeted me "Good Morning!", "Good Night!" , "Its lunch! Have you eaten?" and "take care". None of my friends will check on me like that everyday so i knew he was flirting with me. I entertain him and reply, im single anyway.

He was a thoughtful person, he is kinda sweet also. I admit that ae days pass by, i tend to like him. There is a 5 hour difference in our time because he is currently in UAE, and i just caught myself waiting for his messages. Until one day, i searched him on facebook then i saw that he has a girlfriend. I was hurt because he was cheating on his girlfriend with me.

I waited him to tell me the truth, i wanted him to tell me what is his real intentions, i wanted him to explain. But after a month, he kept quite about it. So i think i have to make everythings right. I asked him "Do you have a girlfriend?" Then its like a bomb. He told me everything. He admit it that he has a girlfriend and they are not are not ok right now.

This is wrong i said and i feel guilty everytime we talk. He said that he likes me way back when we met at school, long before he met his girlfriend in UAE. He said that he is serious about me and he likes to meet me again when he get back to the philippines. I dont know what to feel while talking to him. I like him but i hate him, its very confusing.

But one thing is clear to me, i have to make things right.

So i decided that we should stop talking. I dont want to get in trouble. I dont deserve this.

Just right now he message me again. But i didn't even seen it. I just feel hurt that one more time, i hope that this is it, i will have somebody to lean on, someone to talk about the things that happens all day, someone to care and someone to love.

I dont have a boyfriend eversince thats why im curious, what it feels like to have someone like that. I went on dates few times but i always end up hurt. Its like we dated yesterday then didnt show up today. I was always ghosted.

Im just sad that they will tell me that im pretty, nice , and brilliant but why i always end up turned down everytime?

[captainsakurasblog]

Alabang! Alabang! Alabang lalandi sakin dyan?

hoy valentines na!!!

[captainsakurasblog]

Dalawang tulog na lang mga friends, Birthday ko na naman!!!!!

akalain mo yun 22 na ko

[captainsakurasblog]

[captainsakurasblog]

hindi ko na sya makakausap ulit

salamat sa 8 months na pasulpot sulpot nating date dahil wala kang pera

at salamat sa pasulpot sulpot mong pangangamusta dahil tamad ka umeffort

Unfriended na sya sa facebook at nakahide na sya sa messenger

bat di ko pa binlock, napakarupok mo talaga self

ang sabi ko ayoko na sa lalaking kakausapin lang ako pag trip nyang kausapin ako... iba kasi yung feeling ng paglalaanan ka ng oras ng isang lalaki para lang malaman kung nakakain ka na

mababaw sa mababaw pero yung maliliit na bagay na yon, yung small gestures na yon ay ang mga pinaka nakakakilig na bagay sa mundo

hindi hihingin na dalhin nya ko sa restaurant dahil sa jollibee lang masaya na ko

hindi ko rin pinapangarap na mabigyan ng isang dosenang rose dahil kahit isang piraso lang,  magiging masaya na ko

yung makusap ko lang yung taong gusto ko ay sapat na

bakit parang ang hirap gawin

nakakasawa ang rejections

sa tuwing may nanliligaw sakin tapos babasteden ko, feeling ko ako ang may diperensya kasi feeling ko ang hirap kong pakisamahan eh simpleng simple lang naman yung gusto ko

yung itreat ako ng parang babae

tulungan mo kong magbitbit ng pinamili ko kahit na sobrang gaan

hawakan mo yung kamay ko pagnaglalakad tayo kahit hindi naman ako tanga

tapos kausapin mo ko tungkol sa araw mo, makiking ako

#bigo_na_naman

[captainsakurasblog]

Mission Failed (Again)

Muli mag Cecelebrate ako ng birthday ko sa araw ng Valentines. Dating gawi, celebrate sa bahay with family then gala with friends. Nabigo na naman akong mag celebrate ng Valentines sa Feb 14.

Sumuko na ko kay mark, wala naman syan balak akong idate sa 14. 

[captainsakurasblog]

Kalungkutang Epekto ng Di pa Dumadating na Sahod sa loob ng 2 months

Randomly, kinamusta lahat ng maisipan kong kamustahin. Mga friends ko ng elementary , high school at college. Nakakatuwa, halos lahat kami graduate na, yung iba nagaaral pa, halos lahat din nagttrabaho na. May iba in a relationship ang status, yung iba may anak na , at marami yung career muna kaya katulad ko single pa rin. May iba na umabot ng ilang linggo bago ako replayan, ang dami tuloy gumugulo sa isip ko kung bakit ayaw nila ako kausapin. Pero merong isa, si Leslie... best friend ko sya nung high school kami. Sobrang close kami na halos lahat kinukwento ko sa kanya, ultimo yung diary ko pinapabasa ko pa sa kanya. Nung nag college kami, magkaiba kami ng school na pinasukan kasi magkaiba kami ng plano sa buhay. Nag MedTech sya kasi kukunin daw sya ng kamaganak nila sa Japan after makatapos ng pagaaral. Samantalang ako, wala akong ganon, factory sewer si mama , papa naman tricycle driver. Tatlo kami magkakapatid at ang bunso namin elementary pa lang naman tapos sa public lang naman nagaaral... kaya naman, pero hindi ko pwedeng asamin makapagaral sa malalaking university tulad ng ateneo, la salle o di naman kaya yung sobrang layo sa antipolo , tulad ng UP o PUP. Inisip ko kasi yung capacity nila mama at papa. Yung kinikita nila , sapat lang para maka survive sa araw-araw, a very typical filipino set up. Kumikita ng 500 to 700 pesos sa araw-araw para mairaos ang buhay. Pero hindi yon sapat para mapagaral ako sa pinapangarap kong universities at makuha yung courses na gusto ko. Kailangan kong maging practikal. Kaya kumapit ako sa kung saan-saan na pa-scholarship at sa awa ng Diyos, nakapagaral ako ng college na walang tuition fee na binabayaran, libre uniform, calcu, at mga libro. Nairaos ng pamilya ko ang baon ko sa araw-araw pati na rin pamasahe ko magmula antipolo hanggang ortigas. Napakabait sa amin ng Diyos sa tuwing naaalala ko kung pano ako nakapagtapos. Hanggang ngayon na nakatagpo ako ng maayos na trabaho at nalampasan ko ang pangkaraniwan na kita ng mga pinoy. Sa edad na 21 , binabayaran ako ng 500 kada oras bale lumalabas na may 4000 ako araw-araw. Hindi ako lumaki sa pamilyang affectionate pero alam ko sa sarili ko sobrang proud sa akin ng pamilya ko. 

Hindi pa man tapos ang aklat ng buhay ko, bawat chapter merong obstacles pero mas nangingibabaw palagi sa buhay ko ang biyaya. Tatlong taon na ang nakalipas mula ng makagraduate kami. Ang kaibigan ko na si Leslie, na dati sobrang lapit namin, na ngayon ay halos ayaw akong kausapin. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagkaganon. Hindi ko sure kung ano talaga ang dahilan, kung nahihiya ba sya o naiilang sya sakin. Matapos kasi ng 3 taon, hindi sya naging medtech at walang japan na naganap. Nabalitaan ko din dati na marami syang naging problema nung nagaaral kami. Nalaman ko na nagkasakit yung tatay nya at umulit ata sya sa isang subject nya. Inaamin ko nung nagkalayo kami, naging sobrang dalang ng pagkamusta ko sa kanya. Hindi ko rin sya masisisi kung stranger na ko sa buhay nya.

Isa lang si Leslie sa mga kaibigan na gusto kong makausap ulit, makasamang lumabas at magkwentuhan tungkol sa mga bagay bagay.

[captainsakurasblog]

dating gawi, celebrate ng valentines sa bahay with family or sa mga friends ko na kapareho kong single.

dating gawi, walng ka date sa valentines

dating gawi , mag ccelebrate ako ng feb 14 hindi dahil valentines kundi dahil birthday ko

mag tthree weeks na hindi nya ko kinakausap, nakikita kong online sya habang online ako, pero walang hi or hello sa taong nagsabi sakin nung New Year na liligawan na nya ako for real para makasama nya ko palagi

nasan na sya ngayon? anong nangyari? 

nalulungkot ako

[captainsakurasblog]

Nagbago ang ihip ng hangin, di na daw ako sa africa ipapadala, sa australia na lang daw

Either way di ako naeexcite kasi di naman ako nagpunta dun para magbakasyon.

wala din akong kasamang kaibigan o family

di ko rin alam kung pano ba ang ugali ng mga ausie.

bahala na kung maipadala ako o hindi.

hindi ko na rin naman alam na kung san pa ko pupunta.

what more? yung feeling na naramdaman mo na yung mga bagay na dapat mong maramdaman

its not the money or anything materialistic

its about your company.

may kasama ka bang mag grow or you grow alone

i feel like im growing alone.

akala ko mas ok pag independent pero ang lungkot pala

[captainsakurasblog]

You Are in Love -Taylor Swift

One look, dark room Meant just for you Time moved too fast, you play it back Buttons on a coat, lighthearted joke No proof, not much, but you saw enough

-We’ve all been there. You have a crush on somebody and are desperately hoping they like you back. This describes those feelings. Sure, lighthearted jokes and poking fun at each other might not seem basis for a relationship. But it’s enough to form some sort of connection.This likely refers to when the two met. Time went by too quickly in a moment they wished could last forever. Meeting someone new can be incredibly exciting, and it’s possible to envision a new future with them, even knowing only minimal details.

Small talk, he drives Coffee at midnight The light reflects the chain on your neck

-Taylor gives us little details about Jack and Lena’s time together. They go out on late-night drives and grab a coffee. The coffee would probably keep them awake longer, allowing them to spend even more time with each other.Late night is a common motif in Taylor’s music — the early hours of morning are when things can change, including relationships. In this case, the change has to do with how close they are. This particular night is strengthening their bond.

He says, "Look up" And your shoulders brush No proof, one touch, but you felt enough

You can hear it in the silence (silence), silence (silence), you You can feel it on the way home (way home), way home (way home), you You can see it with the lights out (lights out), lights out (lights out) You are in love, true love You are in love

-Taylor alludes to love’s frequent status as an emotion taking prevalence over all else. She makes it something thick, something tangible, something very visceral and real. It’s a present point in all of our good relationships – not just Jack and Lena’s.Also, “lights out” can certainly play on the sexual side of love, as it’s frequently used when referring to sex.

Morning, his place Burnt toast, Sunday You keep his shirt, he keeps his word And for once, you let go Of your fears and your ghosts One step, not much, but it said enough You kiss on sidewalks You fight and you talk

-To describe her 2008 album, Fearless, Taylor defines the title as:FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change.While the protagonist of the story is scared as hell, she realizes it’s time to let go and jump headfirst, fearless.

[captainsakurasblog]

Ilang buwan na lang, 1 year na ko sa company at wala pa rin akong significant na nagagawa. I wonder, gano kaya pa ko katagal dito? yung pagsasayaw ko kasi nung christmas party, hindi sya enough. Mean while, dapat kong galingan sa pag-aaral para hindi ako kahiya hiya pag pinadala sa site. OMG

[captainsakurasblog]

[captainsakurasblog]

[captainsakurasblog]

The only way to survive is to create opportunity, rather than to wait for it to come to you.

Don’t stop doing, trying, learning, fighting, or experimenting until the miracle happens.

Never stop,

Robert Kiyosaki

-that is all i need for today :) thank you robert