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[captiveinmarz]

My quiet is just as that. Quiet. It’s not a silent cry for help it’s simply soundless. I don’t burn my own clothes off running in circles for attention, I hunch my body down to dirt and crack ribs to be smaller and to take up less space. To exist less. You can’t hurt what’s not there.

[captiveinmarz]

I grew up thinking if you really wanted something you would find a way to make it happen. It’s kind of fucked up because there’s so many things I want that I actively struggle to make happen and yet somehow I still believe in this statement and sometimes I contemplate ridding my mind of it but I can never bring myself to try.

[captiveinmarz]

To get a little closer to climbing out of this hole I gotta be a little selfish. Excuse me for a little bit while I get this sorted. The new skin is ill fitting and it’ll take me some time to get used to. worry not I’ll March on and build with fragments of who I used to be into armored scales that reflect who I wanted to be.

[captiveinmarz]

I deserve someone that makes me feel worth it and all the rest.

[captiveinmarz]

I think the answer is to pretend I’m not me. I see someone in the same situation as me and simultaneously see someone who is capable of mass amount of empathy for me. I see myself. If I am seeing myself from the outside looking in it doesn’t hurt as much. I just gotta hold on to that. I don’t care if it’s just a bandaid. I can’t even bring myself to look at the wound in the eye cause what good does it do? I don’t know if I bandaid is the solution but it’s the best I can manage right now. My body will know to heal even if my mind doesn’t.

[captiveinmarz]

Just this once let my skin be mine. I’ve got a sour taste in my mouth like the memory is full of bile. I wake up the next morning and eyes still burning.

[captiveinmarz]

I feel like I’m tryna climb up a landslide

[captiveinmarz]

A letter to myself,

You feel that sun burn on your skin. The warm winds hold ur face only cause you choose to see it that way. I look in the side view mirror and see how the air whips my green around and my glasses let me see it all. I see familiar sprawling suburbia and I wonder what it looks like through an outsider’s eyes. Who would visit my mind and see through it all. These perspectives are so jaw droppingly beautiful. It hurts and stings a lot when it’s pretty and that’s okay. To look at things so nice out and to feel so bad inside it’s a different kind of pain. It’s easier but also deeper. Weird how it works that way. Keep reminding urself summer is coming and it will always be coming.

[captiveinmarz]

I look in the mirror and see someone I shouldn’t see. Not even in the normal “ I’m not myself” kind of way. I just see someone who isn’t me. I’m reminded of someone who left me. Someone I thought was like me. I don’t wanna think I abandoned myself but it feels that way when I look at the mirror cause I see all the compliments he gave me and all the lil things he pointed out in our features that were similar and all the bigger parts that are different.

We’re ripped apart but I still think about it enough for the both of us and I don’t want that.

[captiveinmarz]

Careful with my heart now.

Place it gently in the floor.

I rather you do that than drop it if you’re not going to hold it.

Asshole

[captiveinmarz]

Letter to myself.

I am very generous and I always try to be kind. I enjoy practicing peaceful resolutions in my problems but I also have a passion in me sometimes for knocking over the tower. I’m intuitive and am working on trusting my gut and following it the places it takes me. I trust love I desire is out there somewhere for me because it exists in myself.

I love how I talk to myself. I love that I make myself laugh. I love that my laugh sometimes starts to sound like people I care for. I love that I pick up things fast and don’t beat myself up if I don’t pick up on other things as fast. I love that I try to practice what I preach and I love that I speak my mind. I love that I try to be kind even in moments I’m weak or angry. I take a moment through my negative emotions to express that I am just having strong emotions and that I feel that way because I care about who I’m talking to.

[captiveinmarz]

I’m so far out of the woods and I’m scared cause it’s just wide open expanses of wind. It brushes against my skin in a way I feel so exposed. I wanna go back to the woods. It’s humid in there and sometimes I can’t breath but somehow I rather suffocate warm than breath and see my own air.

[captiveinmarz]

I throw the curtain over your face and it still casts a shadow so I just lay there and pull at corners to cover that part in my life rooted into the same ground I walk on is just blissfully out of sight.

[captiveinmarz]

I accept that there are things I do not know but when there’s something that looks like an opportunity to know more I will jump on it even if I look stupid trying to get water from a rock. I regret not trying more than giving it a shot.

[captiveinmarz]

I don’t have a lot of hate in my heart anymore I got rid of a lot of it so it wouldn’t hold back love for not only myself but to others.

[captiveinmarz]

We brushed past discussing what our personal definition of feelings are and I think that contributed towards all this.

[captiveinmarz]

I think what it is is that I really want to move on from these repetitive thoughts. I try to rationalize it and say that maybe I need to get it out of my system because for a while I felt like I didn't have the space to allow myself to feel this way or maybe I kept it to myself in a way that wasn't necessarily my fault. Through talking it out with myself in a way that I am now I feel like I have the space to be more open and honest about my feelings because there is no consequence to it so I don't have to tread lightly anymore. I recognize I shouldn't have had to tread lightly in the first place but I don't think it was truely wrong. I feel like the snake eating itself because I, very much, want to move past this in a way that feels satisfying to me but I feel blocked from that outcome.

I am torn in two because I want to keep some parts of myself from the half taken from me but not the rest. If I put myself back together after all of this I fear I will have to shamefully accept the parts of myself that I feel are a burden. Those parts of myself make it so that in the balance of it all the scales are constantly tugged on to fall one way or the other. I sometimes feel like it would be easy to hate and move on. I can control my reactions to these things fairly well enough to know that I can be hateful and resentful and not show it specially if what I hate is at arms length. The the half of me wants to keep those empathetic parts that simultaneously block me from moving on from it all but keeps me empathetic. I want to stay empathetic but it's rather contradictory to witness that I can't move on from that empathy with out turning the other way and letting myself sink into a hateful or pessimistic mindset. I like that I'm hopeful but also like that I'm real about it too. I am emotional but also very logical. I just am having a hard time finding balance in all this.

I think I know I will find that balance eventually and I am in some ways taking a blind leap of faith into the idea I can maintain this balance. The balance of keeping myself open but also not overextending myself.