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im very sorry for anyone i worried over the last several weeks. i have been going through a psychotic episode. im with family, im getting treatment. thank you and again, sorry

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"how angry is the clown" could have been the canary in your mine, but no, you wanted me to play cassandra

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it's hard trusting a fucking clown, huh

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it's hard knowing the truth about the world. it's hard knowing that children's cartoons had it right, then you just forget. it's hard to step up and be the person who believes in what a child believes in (because it is TRUE) but must act with the responsibility of an adult, must act with the bravery that responsibility requires. and still not want to die at the end of every day. god. pity the clown. pity the fool. pity the fool! for i know How Truly Fucked Up It Really Is, and i must still make myself laugh at the end of the day.

honk. honk.

🤡

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do you not think i understand how you act?

have you not understood the idea of masking?

i put on the mask.

i see you, you don't see me.

you don't wanna see me.

you think i'm grotesque.

i keep lying to you to make you laugh long enough to not kill me.

did you forget the game we were playing together?

if i'm more afraid of something else then of hurting your feelings, i will stop lying.

this is the deal YOU WROTE and the conditions of CONTRACT TERMINATION as imposed by my limits.

and i would have loved to have had it in ink but both you and i know the conditions are illegal.

at least in this country, which is a mixture of silly and serious, as far as countries go.

i don't have a punchline. i'm tired. i wanna stop playing. 100%. bye now. i think, for reals.

and when you fools call yourselves "clowns", that's appropriation, by the way. you fucking WISH you were cool enough to be clowns. you are too cynical! you're comedians.

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throwing the odd fucking tomato sometimes. to impress your friends.

or make yourself believe you do find it ridiculous, deplorable, beneath you.

and when you fools call yourselves "clowns", that's appropriation, by the way. you fucking WISH you were cool enough to be clowns. you are too cynical! you're comedians.

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courtiers. snickering from the balcony, too cowardly or privileged to be on stage with the rest of us, living it, LIVING IT. no masks. except for the masks.

and when you fools call yourselves "clowns", that's appropriation, by the way. you fucking WISH you were cool enough to be clowns. you are too cynical! you're comedians.

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I HATE CYNICS

EAT SAND

WATCH A MOVIE

EMBARRASS YOURSELF ON PURPOSE

HELP SOMEONE

EAT MY FUCKING ASS

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yes i'm a comically exaggerated version of a human being. when can i stop being an outcast about it? ...please?

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let's put our historically materialist heads together for a second, shall we? and think a thonk?

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and when you fools call yourselves "clowns", that's appropriation, by the way. you fucking WISH you were cool enough to be clowns. you are too cynical! you're comedians.

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what everyone is always afraid to admit with me is that i'm NOT THE SILLY ONE. and sometimes the difference between me and the other people is a "haha" distance and sometimes it's a "yeesh" distance and sometimes it's just "i'd rather just not think about it"

"i'd rather just not think about it"

"i'd rather just not think about the fact this person, so silly, so naive, so kind, so selfless, what if they are right?"

"what if they are acting this way because they... are afraid of me?"

"what if they are making themselves sillier and smaller... to protect my feelings? to make me less scared of them? honk honk! 🤡 no... but that would mean i'm actually this pathetic... to them! and WHAT IF THEY ARE RIGHT 🤡 WHAT IF THEY ARE RIGHT 🤡 WHAT IF THEY ARE RIGHT 🤡"

you laugh and love and believe or you are a coward.

you are either a clown or a coward.

AS I KEEP TELLING EVERYONE. IF YOU WERE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAD TO SAY BEFORE I WAS WORRIED FOR TWO HUMAN LIVES. AND ONE CAT LIFE.

you are either

A CLOWN

or

A COWARD

AND YOU GOTTA CHOOSE A TEAM.

but

YOU gotta CHOOSE it

i WILL NOT force your hand

i can paint a more believable story

i am a FANTASTIC ORATOR

i am a DAFT STORYTELLER

i'm a SAVANT FOR WORDS

but that would be CHEATING.

i only tell the truth.

that's the only way i can avoid believing my own lies.

because i am a great narrator

i can tell myself a great FALSE story

and still feel calm at the end

because i also made myself laugh

which helps with calm.

i need to be so precise with myself with a brain like this

and if i am wrong i die

i DIE

I DIE IN REAL LIFE

I HAVE BEEN HANGING ON BY A THREAD SINCE FIRST HEARING THE WORD "SUICIDE"

anyways.

whatever.

i don't WANT to convince you

now i just want to yell at you

and once again this week, i believe,

🖕🤡🖕

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you know what my job in the commune would actually be, actually. forget if the post was direct at me, not important, but my job would be the clown the fucking clown im a clown im a clown BUT IM MISERABLE AND WHEN IM MISERABLE I SCARE PEOPLE because i need to tell the truth and the truth WOULD MAKE YOU LAUGH but you are SO SO SO SCARED OF IT. YOU DONT BELIEVE ME THAT THE TRUTH IS GOOD. YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE ME THAT AT THE END OF EVERY TRUTH THERE IS A SILVER LINING. THE END, THE CORE, THE FINAL NUGGET OF EVERY HUMAN BEING IS GOOD. you don't want to believe me so much. you wouldn't dare to listen to my jokes/truths. you have shunned me. people have shunned me EVERYWHERE for being too naive, so idealistic that i am considered NAIVE, in all circles. in some circles, covertly. THEN ABUSED FOR IT. FOR THE PERCEPTION OF SOME AND THE REAL NAÏVETÉ OF OTHERS. but i'm not naive. i'm just smart. and kind. and pragmatic. and i've experienced enough rejection and isolation to not fear it. i am just a very precise judge of everyone. i am patient and selfless in my investigations, i examine logically and empathetically. i am fair. i am RIGHT. and everyone seems to be scared of the fucking truth. some. more. than. others. but nonetheless. and you could be laughing with me, but there's no fucking jobs for clowns in this economy, are there? there are no fucking jobs for clowns who can't fucking juggle i'll tell you that much. fuck i Love THE CIRCUS. and i HATE the way everyone treats me. i fucking said to her i fucking i fucking said to her. didn t i? everyone seems to treat me like a child except for when i need help. man. fuck if i DONT TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH

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i'd rather be CALLED crazy or paranoid of others being unfair to me ANY DAY OF ANY WEEK before FEELING like i am being unfair to others or to myself

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no, and i am mad at you too, fucking people who fucking doubt me because i didn't prove it, i didn't paint a good and realistic story for you but fuck you, life is not always realistic, and i'm actually crazy in real life and i love actually crazy people. no, not everything is for clout, that's projection. i'm crazy and i'm mad. it's always been impossible for me to socialize in this website anyways. and less friends does make me more vulnerable, you know? but this is the fucking pits, man. it wasn't a good story for you because I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. and you are making me paranoid of my words and actions just like she did to torture me. i'm crazy and i'm mad. fuck you too. you were supposed to be good people. you're not letting me be kind to her. and i will stop using this fucking website, at least publicaly, because it's not fucking fun to be scrolling it and reblogging shit, thinking "are people gonna read this as a sign i'm an evil attention-seeker?". when i was ALREADY TRYING TO GET HER PARANOIA ABOUT THE MEANINGS OF THE POSTS OUT OF MY MIND JUST ENOUGH TO FEEL NATURAL AND HONEST WHILE ACTUALLY WORRYING SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT HURTING ME OR HERSELF. i don't know what the fuck we are supposed to do as a community to make this better but i'm fucking AUTISTIC IN REAL LIFE AND FUCKING TRYING MY BEST IN REAL LIFE. and i know im not crazy and i'm not stupid and i'm not a coward. do you?? because i don't know how to fix the problem. maybe one of y'all does. bye.