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[carefulfears]

just popping in to say hey i love y’all

[carefulfears]

mikaela and i are still hatergirl and loverboy if anyone was wondering it’s just that she posts about californication and i post about the saw franchise

[carefulfears]

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<3

love you

[carefulfears]

Thoughts on the X Files Revelations episode and what it brought to the mulder x scully relationship?

okay i just rewatched this one so y'all are gonna get some exhausted bullet-point rambles from me <3 much love

1/

the first thing that i noticed while rewatching is that when mulder and scully are speaking with "saint owen" in the attic, mulder is standing with them and engaged in the conversation until it turns to scully's personal religion.

when owen points out her cross necklace, mulder turns to face the wall while they discuss it, only barely peeking back for his smartass church joke.

this almost reminds me of the way he tends to freeze and avert from loss (his mother's hospital room in herrenvolk, scully in the ICU in redux ii, emily's coffin, the little girl's body in paper hearts, etc); he often tries to avoid realities that he isn't prepared for, as though he's surprised and bowled over every time.

in this moment here with owen, he's being avoidant and catty, but it similarly appears that scully's faith is something he's taken aback by, even just in evasion.

2/

after owen is killed, scully begins the autopsy, and mulder continues his comedy routine/bible lecture.

when scully says that she believes in miracles, she believes that god's hand can be witnessed, mulder asks, "even if science can't explain them?"

this is really the core conflict of episodes like this, that center around faith or religion. neither of them know how to move forward outside of their roles, and so much of scully's position depends on only adhering to what science can prove. it's what she's told him so many times over the years in response to his own theories, and both of them waver in the loss of that absolutism.

a couple of episodes earlier, in nisei, she told him that believing is the easy part, that she needs proof, and he had responded, "you think believing is easy?"

part of what makes faith-centered cases difficult for them both is that mulder doesn't have it, and believing is easy for scully.

mulder spends his whole life wanting to believe in something that would allow the kind of comfort people find in faith. it isn't easy for him. it's hard to always be seeking.

he needs proof in order to believe too, but scully has her beliefs without the science that she holds him to, without the burden.

later, in gethsemane, she tells him that proving extraterrestrial life is not her dying wish. and he asks, what if you could prove the existence of god? wouldn't you try, like i try?

she says no. that god can't be proven or disproven, and it doesn't matter to her.

in revelations, he shuts down her claims of faith, and doesn't consider her point of view. when he leaves on another bad joke, the pause that she takes before returning to her work is so telling. this isn't how they interact with each other. something is different, with this case, with this topic.

the look on her face and the way she squares her jaw is almost of someone who's ashamed/afraid to speak up, who's biting her tongue. this isn't what she does, with him, either. and it has a different connotation on rewatch, with the things she says later in the series about authority.

3/

in conversation at the motel, things haven't changed. mulder is still a laugh-factory, dismissing any explanation with religious connotations. scully is still watching him and learning from him, as she has been since day one.

when she finally just snaps and asks, "how is it that you're willing to go out on a limb whenever you see a light in the sky, but you're unwilling to accept the possibility of a miracle?"

he responds instantly, "i wait for a miracle every day. but what i've seen here has only tested my patience, not my faith."

he waits for a miracle every day. it wasn't that long ago that we saw him weep in a church.

"well, what about what i've seen?"

what about what she's seen? what about what she believes? what about her experience?

4/

in the end, mulder's being a sweetie, bringing her coat and asking if she's okay. it worries him when she's not being logical. when she's acting like him.

he says it, in all souls, another faith-based role reversal: "i’ve never seen you more vulnerable or susceptible or more easily manipulated and it scares me because i don’t know why."

i hate to see people call him hypocritical for this; they both do it. they adhere to their roles so strictly, and there's something uneasy for them that comes with watching the other stray from what they find solidity in, whether that's belief or rationalism.

this scene captures the intent of the script so well, it is sad. this is a sad episode. she's watching him and learning from him and she knows that she cannot share this experience she's having with him.

5/

in one of the series' most affecting scenes, scully goes to confession for the first time in years. not to confess, but to confide. the language in this scene is so specific and emotional, as she tells the priest that normally she can talk to her friend about things but she cannot talk to him about this.

that's such an isolating place to be in, for your closest person and your most pressing struggle to be so at odds.

she tells the priest that she believes she saw things that helped her to save a life, but she wonders if she even saw them at all, because her partner didn't see them. he didn't believe. and usually he believes in everything.

that's such an isolating place to be in, for your hopeful seeker to turn a blind eye.

this isn't the last time that scully will be in this position, so alone in what she experiences, wondering if it's even real if mulder doesn't see it too.

and this scene sets the tone for so much of her character, as she confesses that she is afraid. that maybe god is speaking, and no one is listening.

i know this one is less thought-out than usual, if there's anything here y'all want to chat more about/go into deeper just shoot me an ask. kisses.

scully in this episode is something i've dabbled around with a bit in my writing before here.

[carefulfears]

literally thinking about how mulder is the softest man. and he loves beautifully. he's so focused on his quest because of how much he loves samantha, and his parents. he tries to hope, desperately, that samantha is alive & he'll find her even though he knows how unlikely it is. and without scully, it would have taken him much longer to face it. no one ever looked into the darkness with him or loved samantha with him or believed in him so much they always followed him & stayed present with him in those really difficult moments he couldn't get away from the grief. and everything scully does for him, he returns. he responds to how she cares, and her boundaries. and they talk but they don't really talk, so he toes the line. he's always checking in with her.

the x-files is about love because everything mulder does is through love does everybody get it!! god, it’s just so major to me, that he’s this iconic sci-fi hero who’s just 100% grounded in kindness and generosity. there’s nothing hiding around the corner. he’s not the bad boy in the basement, he’s not the maverick with a secret heart of gold, he’s just fucking nice. he cares about people. he sees people. he wants to help. he loves his sister. loves his shitty parents. loves his evil ex-partners and ex-wife. loves his friend. there’s always something deeper in mulder, but it’s always just pain. he’s not hiding anything away. he refuses to let go of anything, but never wants anyone to fall into the same trap, his or their own. he tells traumatized women who’ve been abused and imprisoned that he needs their help, that they’re capable of contributing, that he wants to know what they think. while every other cop tries to lock them up. he feels every loss, carries every ghost, never stops trying.

i just watched irresistible again, and god. the way that he pulls scully aside and tells her, it’s okay to be affected. it’s normal. “i’ve seen agents with 20 years fall apart on cases like this.” he doesn’t say that it’s because she’s a woman (like the cop in 2shy does) or because she’s young or because she’s traumatized. he never brings up her recent abduction. he just tells her that it’s okay to need space, that she can talk to him.

and scully is trying so fucking hard to be that perfect navy captain’s daughter. that girl who straightened before looking up at her father to say goodnight. that girl who, as her mother says, has “always been the strong one.”

and she tries to be the strong one. she takes a step back. she goes to therapy. she tells her therapist that she trusts her partner more than anyone, but she does not want him to know that she’s struggling. when she decides to come back, and calls him, she plays it off with a joke. (like he does). “besides, you could use my help.” when he responds, “always.” it’s so earnest and direct, without breaking her cover or stepping out of the box she created. yes, of course, agent scully. come help.

in the end, she can barely choke out that “i’m fine,” her signature move. he doesn’t say a word. he tips her chin so slightly, so that she looks at him. it’s one of the most special moments of the series, to me, the way she just breaks when she sees him. grabs him and sobs. and how you can just barely hear him whisper: “it’s alright.”

the police are still cleaning up the scene around them. i don’t think we ever see her do that again, in front of other people. but we do see her do it with him, when they’re alone, because she knows she can. that strong captain’s daughter. it’s like someone talked about on one of your posts before: scully has to be put together. she has to be the strong one. she’s trying to maintain a fragile place in “the boy’s club” (she talks about this herself). she’s trying to present respectability and a certain image.

and maybe she does have to be that person, for her parents, for her brother, for the FBI, the doctors. but mulder thinks that it’s okay to be affected. he just wants her to be able to talk about it. he wants to see her vulnerability, and shield it. in that house in minneapolis, his face breaks, but he just holds her and whispers. and she rarely falls into it, but she knows that she can, since the motel room in bellefleur. and that means something.

it’s just impossible not to soften around him. and that’s something really special, for scully, for the victims and witnesses he works with. he values their help, he already views them as strong, he wants them to express everything that they’re feeling. he believes it helps.

(mulder has said that line too, “you’re the strong one.” - to lucy householder when she was crying in the dirt)

this show was always realistic. you do have to present a certain image. most people are gonna think you’re young and weak and traumatized and stupid. but it also centered this whole thing around this one person that didn’t require any of that, and that’s why it works. why it’s so special.

[carefulfears]

i appreciate that anon

you have made some legendary posts it just has to be said

SJFJEJFJ thank you!

[carefulfears]

you have made some legendary posts it just has to be said

SJFJEJFJ thank you!

[carefulfears]

I have only two emotions, careful fear and dead devotion.

[carefulfears]

sometimes i think about how the very first thing dana "part of me likes it, needs it, wants the approval" scully did after her father died, was tell mulder that she believes in a psychic

[carefulfears]

sometimes i think about how the very first thing dana "part of me likes it, needs it, wants the approval" scully did after her father died, was tell mulder that she believes in a psychic

[carefulfears]

thinking about mulder and scully on the run, traveling from motel to motel like they did for years, hiding instead of seeking. moving from place to place when there is nowhere that is free of haunting; there is nowhere that they haven’t been already, nowhere they haven’t suffered already, nowhere they haven’t almost died already. migrating through memories in reverse. a cemetery in oregon, a bench in pennsylvania, a ghost town in georgia; the country a constellation of lost time, of something they were building that ended in nothing.

[carefulfears]

“mulder subverted masculinity by being the illogical believer” actually if there was any subversion of masculinity in mulder it was that he was nice. like just a very nice person.

[carefulfears]

thinking about mulder asking scully's mother why she wore a cross around her neck if she was such a skeptic, and maggie answering "i gave it to her," and putting it back in his hand. and that mulder puts it around his neck, carries it on him through the height of desperation and grasps for connection. his own version of catholic guilt, of being watched over. of holding onto something not because you believe in it, but because you don't have anything else. because it was given to you.

[carefulfears]

me about mulder and diana having been married

[carefulfears]

thinking of dana scully, who worships her father's sea and has always been the strong one, and how much shame she feels to not be the kind of dutiful captain's wife that her mother always was. the kind of polished war widow that her mother always was. there's something intimate and intergenerational about that kind of perceived failure; to be a different woman from your mother, your mother's mother. maggie stayed home with the kids while bill was off at sea; dana surrenders her child, lives the rest of her days out in seedy motels and behind a creaking gate.

[carefulfears]

thinking about the opening scene of forehead sweat and how scully has to listen to mulder drone on and on about a story she’s heard a million times over 25 years…something his kids should’ve been doing, actually

[carefulfears]

season four is just so unbearably heavy…so much of it really is like waking up gasping for air. and it’s too late. every realization, every appreciation, is something to mourn. scully standing in max fenig’s trailer after his death, remarking how similar he is to mulder…these complex, deep, passionate men. her small smile to the floor. the way her eyes tear up when skinner catches the blood on her sleeve, asks if she is okay, demands she go get checked out, despite her claims that she’s “fine.” how sharply confrontational it is, for that quiet truth to be acknowledged, by someone.

the look on her face when the waiters started singing “happy birthday” at the bar. the way she stared across at her partner, who has never once remembered her birthday in 4 years. who “refuses to believe” that she is dying. but whom, she realizes in that moment, knows just as well as she does, that it’s almost over. and they don’t talk about it. but it’s almost suffocating, in that moment, over a sparkler and keychain, because he does know, and he is thinking about it, and this is what he has to offer. one last birthday, just so she will have it. just so she will have been celebrated, would have been loved, would have been sang to.

that final moment, outside max’s trailer, when she says what the keychain means to her…this silly little commemorative keychain that she sees the whole entire world in, that she sees all of him in. and he’s just silently staring at her. and something in him is breaking. she’s everything, and she sees him, and she’s dying. they don’t talk about it. she’s fine. but they spend their evenings out at bars together. and they pick up on everything, everything reminds them of each other. they’re very kind to each other, overly cautious, but they won’t say it. maybe if they move, they’ll spook something. each other. the cancer. the blood is already in the water, and they just keep driving, keep moving. miss each other while they still have each other, grieve each other next to each other. they’re going through it alone.