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carinaraegonzalez-blog · 5 years

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day 1

I thought I was strong enough. I thought I was capable to handle something scary on my own. I thought I was ready to take on my fear. I had been working on it now for three years. I was a pro, right? Wrong.

I didn’t talk to anybody about what I was going through. I didn’t even tell my therapist about how I was about to face my biggest fear. I bottled that shit up and told myself I was capable to handle it all on my own. I have a phobia. I am fucking terrified of getting ill and having to take care of it. I am so scared of becoming sick in any form that I make myself sick because of it. I constantly fear this. I've been working on this since 2015. I was overconfident that going into my surgery that I was going to be strong. I was going to not let my anxiety overrule my headspace.

I did. I let it take over. I am convinced I am going to die because of what was found in my body. I am convinced that I am going to end up without a jaw because I have some kind of cancer. That I am going to have to get more tissue removed after this heals. I was told that there was nothing to worry about, but I won’t feel relief until I know that my results come back completely unscathed of cancer or some disease.

I let that take over my mind. I let my fear take the reigns and I just let her loose. I let her out to play in all my other fears too. I wanted her to take a flame thrower and burn all the progress I had made. She is fucking good at it too.

I went through this past week with that flame thrower and attempted to burn my relationship to the ground. I worked really hard at trying to wear down my boyfriend. I wanted him to leave me. I wanted to push our relationship so close to that edge that he would just leave. He almost did. He still might.

I let my fear take control over my words that I caused him to go numb. I was so absolutely crazy in how I was communicating with him that he didn’t see the point of fixing it. That is how bad I was. I literally broke him so far down by acting on only my anxiety that he couldn’t see the point in trying anymore. That fucking sucked to hear!

It sucks even more that today I am now just afraid of myself. I am afraid of moving forward because I don’t want to do that to him or to anyone really. It is my choice though on whether or not I am actually going to move forward. I am now just scare of the future and what it holds when it comes to me.

I want so badly for this realization to be a final and to be perfect. Which that is complete bonkers. This is going to take time. I am going to need to work on myself a little bit more.

In all honesty I need to fucking love myself that's what I want to do. I want to love this giant anxiety queen and let her have some of the space when she needs it. I want her to be seen in a loving way, so that she isn’t taking that flame thrower to my relationships. I want my shame to know that she is a part of me, but that she does not get to control my reactions anymore.

Let’s see how this goes. I am going to document all of it through writing.

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