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[carobyproxy]

I am the amalgamation of my mothers ill brain and my fathers detestable carcass.

[carobyproxy]

Three seconds pass. Three turns into four, four turns into ten. The terminal ritual i’ve put up with, the immutably of his condition; he’s frail and finite, and he knows it too.

“Just another bite, father. Your PT won’t like to know that you haven’t been eating.”

Papa stares down at the spoon at the entrance of his home, the only thing left of who i once knew to be my father. He tries to keep his solemn nature, puffing out his pride with his hefty chest, every breath shortened by the amount of work he puts in to still look capable.

“come on dad, please.” I attempt once more with my head in my hand, the spoon hovering in circles around his mouth. He bites the inside of his cheek.

“you’re patronizing me, Caro.” He grumbles in a steady tone, the blank expression diluting; a conflagration of emotions could be seen in a matter of seconds before he settled on one of resentment.

“you don’t mean that. i’m helping you,” we both let out sighs of frustration, neither for the same reason.

“I do mean it, I don’t cry when you scrub my back for nothing. You left me like this all because you chose to be selfish.” He spat, his gaze was unchanged as he stared right through me, looking as if he went somewhere else. I sat in silence for a few moments.

“excuse me? Selfish? All i do is bust my ass for you. How could i possibly be selfish? Are you seriously taking my time and care unnoticed?” i tugged at the banded fabric on my jeans. I knew my dad well enough to know that whatever was bugging him, i couldn’t change.

“if you really wanted to help me you would’ve done everything in your power to have made sure i didn’t come out of that car breathing. You’ve ruined my entire image, caro.”

i couldn’t believe the words i was hearing. taking responsibility and focusing on my fathers health after the accident, and not a single ounce of gratitude in his tone.

“how can you call me selfish saying stupid things like this? i need you, dad. Is it that much to ask that you be a fucking father to me?”

his nose started to flare up.

“do i look like your father? he disappeared the minute they placed me onto that hospital bed. i am not your father anymore, look at me. LOOK AT ME CARO. I AM A USELESS PEICE OF CRAP BEING WHEELED AROUND BY MY EVEN MORE USELESS BITCH OF A DAUGHTER!” his voice boomed through the empty house, echoing through the walls of my childhood home, my eyes started to well up.

“you are still my dad. you can’t just decide your done.” i reply in a shaky breath, my lips quivering as i try to hold my ground with him.

“i am completely motionless. i have no arms to beat you with, no legs to stomp your brain dead head in with. i have to sit in this cage and watch you do everything for me. this, this isn’t living. caro, i don’t wanna live!” he cried out, as if he were asking god to take him right then and there. The first time i had ever seen him vulnerable, he’s not going to stop now.

“god, i used to be someone of value caro. look what you’ve done to me, now i’m just like you”

he shut his eyes. he shut his eyes and sobbed.

All i could do was look beyond the pale, tears falling through the shield i put up, the shield ive put on many times before when around my father.

maybe i thought he could have turned out to be a better man, now that my entire life revolves around taking care of him, i thought i could have been worthy enough. worthy enough for a hug from my own father.

maybe i am selfish for choosing to repair something that was never there.