carolineaross

[carolineaross]

my heart is broken, but you shouldn’t have pick up the pieces

[carolineaross]

when you love someone, that’s when them leaving hurts the most

[carolineaross]

when you died, life kept moving for those that didn’t know you

the earth still turned and the sun still came out

the lights still turned on and the radio still played

people kept on telling stories and couples stayed in love

but not for me because things changed

the earth stopped and the sun disappeared

all i saw was darkness and i felt the sound of silence

i heard people’s stories, but none of them about you

the love disappeared because you were no longer here

[carolineaross]

dawson,

there are no more i love you's

no more late night talks

no more driving with the windows down

no more doordashes in my car that you insisted on driving. i laughed at how big you looked driving my car

no more driving to mountain brook and seeing the snow

no more almost beach trips

no more late nights

no more early mornings

no more cuddles

no more hugs that wrapped me like a blanket

no more kisses (that made me fall to my knees)

no more of your booming bellowing voice

no more of your infectious laugh

no more of your jokes that could keep me up for hours laughing

no more of your smile that could truly light up a room

no more of your love and kindness

no more of you

[carolineaross]

as i was sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called to the back, i began to feel a twinge of sadness for the people who wouldn't be able come here for issues regarding their own reproductive health. my heart breaks for the women and children who can't go anywhere for an abortion, because 1. our state wouldn't allow it and 2. god forbid a woman have any bodily autonomy. my heart breaks for the people in the Igbtq+ community who will die under senseless acts of violence just because trump opposes same sex marriage. because people will continue to blindly follow him without any sense of morals. without any sense of right vs. wrong. my heart breaks for people who won't get to grow up, because they will tragically die in senseless acts of gun violence because trump won't do anything regarding the ban on assault weapons. the same people who voted against abortion and for zero gun laws are blatantly saying "hey don't kill an unborn child", which by the way, is unborn! but sure by all means give children with known mental health issues or adults with no care over their own children, guns. yeah that makes sense. because killing a fetus is "morally wrong" but it's fine to kill living, breathing children and adults, especially those in school. and last i checked, there were more school shootings with trump in charge than with biden or obama. i also very faintly pray for the people that use religion as an excuse to justify their actions. many people claim that the bible says and that religion says that being gay is a sin, as it is mentioned in Leviticus, but Leviticus also says to "love thy neighbor" which is not being followed in these distressing times. it is truly ironic that these same people who shove religion down throats are the same people who won't listen to your side of the story. there are always two sides. i remember texting with a republican, trying to be civil, letting him explain why he voted for trump, and then when it was my turn to speak, he took my words as the means to start a fight. one of the messages he lovingly sent was: "don't talk to me about politics unless you want to be educated" but educated does not always equate to right. it doesn't equate to being an asshole because someone disagrees. i also made it clear that i was going to go to bed and he responded with "good. you need to" as if going to bed would either change my opinions or make me as ignorant as he is. and i choose neither to both. to be a trump supporter, in how i see it, is to not allow someone to have a voice. it is to silence anyone who is not a straight white male. but most infuriatingly, it is to bash minorities. it is to metaphorically slap them in the face, such as the latinx community, the asian and pacific islanders, the middle easterns, the black community, the native americans, essentially those who do not identify fully as white. it is to bash the Igbtq+ communities, to say that if you're not straight, then you're part of the problem. it is to bash the women. to tell them that they "belong in a kitchen" or that they are to be submissive to their husbands. it's to tell everyone in a minority or in a community that their accomplishments and accolades mean nothing despite working hard to go against the system for hundreds of years. voting for trump meant not caring about anyone but yourself. because i don't know any good people who voted for someone so morally corrupt. and i will always always always be happy to stand on the side of what's right!

remember that if you're not for, you're against. the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. and i don't hate, but i will not support the slowly moving deterioration of society and civilization as a whole.

[carolineaross]

if soulmates exist, well then, i hope you're mine

[carolineaross]

at some point it went from us texting every hour of every day

to texting maybe three times a day

at some point it went from you saying "goodnight baby. i love you"

to you saying "gn" or nothing at all

at some point it went from us being in love

to you falling out of it

and at some point, it went from us as lovers to us becoming strangers instead

[carolineaross]

i wished on every eyelash that you'd come back

i read into every fortune cookie

i looked for the signs in the ladybugs and in the way the clock would have two of the same number

i picked the flower petals and played "he loves me...he loves me not"

i even watched countless tiktoks of how to get you back and fell for the posts claiming that if i used a sound, you'd come back

but no matter what i did, it never worked

and i know i should move on

but i'm not ready to let you go

[carolineaross]

thank you dad

thank you for showing me how to love someone the way you love mom

thank you for believing in me when i couldn't quite believe in myself

thank you for taking me on trips, no matter how long the plane ride or how talkative i was

thank you for showing me compassion and being understanding with me when i make mistakes, and you know i make a lot of them

you are the embodiment of all things good in a world that can be so cruel.

thank you for all that you do.

[carolineaross]

every time i see you, it feel like my stomach is going to explode, like butterflies will fly out. it's nerve-wracking, but it's also exciting. it feels like we're meeting for the first time again and as much as it's a wonderful feeling, it's also scary. i am constantly afraid that i am going to mess things up. that you'll see my flaws, and you won't love or even like me anymore. but i think no, i know, that most of all that i'm afraid of losing you. you're one of the best things to come out of the disastrous places in my life. i really don't know how i got so incredibly and undeniably lucky to be someone of whom you adore like love. out of all the beautiful, smart, funny, talented women on planet, you picked me. you chose me. you loved me.

[carolineaross]

whenever i see you, the feelings of meeting you for the first time come back. the butterflies in my stomach. the jitteriness of my hands. the random things that come out of my mouth to impress you.

[carolineaross]

to my younger self

im sorry i never treated you kindly growing up

the problem was never you

it was the people you thought would be there for you but never showed up

it was never your fault

you were beautiful but you were called so many mean names

you grew to hate your nose so you had surgery to fix it

you hated wearing glasses so you got lasik

you changed all the things about yourself because society taught you that they were ugly

but you, younger self are beautiful

and im so sorry you were ever taught otherwise

[carolineaross]

i wonder what it's like to be a puppy

to eat as much as you want

without checking the scale after

to be unconditionally loved by a human

in a way that is rarely ever known

to think every human is good because you choose to believe that everyone wants the best for you

but do they....?

[carolineaross]

reading has always been my favorite

peace in a life's chaos

finding comfort in each page that i turn

sometimes i laugh, sometimes i cry

but i feel safe in those pages

knowing they could never hurt me

[carolineaross]

you take up so much space in my mind

but im barely a star in yours

[carolineaross]

tomorrow is my 21st birthday, which also marks my first birthday without you. it marks the first birthday without you singing happy birthday to me over the phone or you telling me "wow I can't believe you're *insert age* where has the time gone". it's hard celebrating without you here but ill celebrate you being in my heart. with me spiritually. i hope you're proud of me, guardian angel. i love you

[carolineaross]

the day you died was a fucking nightmare. i thought i would wake up and see you. but i didnt. i kept pretending like you were just in another country or that you were busy, and while it worked for a while, my heart knew that you weren't coming back no matter how much i wanted you to.

even though it's been 3 and a half months, it still doesn't feel real. i don't think it ever will. my heart still hurts and it's been hard without you.

everyone keeps telling me you're in a better place, but that doesn't mean it's better for your husband. for your children, your in laws, your grandchildren (me especially).

i spent and still spend countless nights crying over you. it's like that scene in those disney movies when the prince cries over the princess, and somehow, suddenly, she wakes up. i wish that's how life worked. i wish i could cry and you'd wake up, but i know that's not something i can do

i promise in this life, i will make you proud. i'll graduate from college with a PHD in psychology. i'll get married and have children of my own. i'll live everyday freely...trying everything once. i will see the beauty in objects and the good in people. i will continue to talk about you. the way you spoke of your grandkids. i will make sure your name is never ever forgotten, though how could it be, as you were loved by so many people. most importantly, i will love fiercely. and be kind. because that's how you loved and that's how you lived.

you might not be here physically anymore, but you'll always be in my heart. you're forever my guardian angel. thank you for being my grandmother and friend. i love you across all universes, whether spiritual or physical

love always

-c