carteroflarrows

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

Now everyone on Tumblr has access to a tiny gif of Maui dancing back and forth while slapping his pecs. I feel like I’ve created something stupid yet wonderful, so…

what can I say

except

you’re welcome

[carteroflarrows]

*petting my cat* please cure my depression cat: *prrbhbphr* me: thanks

[carteroflarrows]

You’re clearly not old enough to have children if you’re thinking of naming them after anime characters or some shit

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

A Mundane Online Confession CW: Mental Health? S.I. Trans dysphoria

I need this, it's 0100 and I'm stuck between stability and suicidal ideation. Considering others time and spilling my guts for hours. Feeling content and absolutely miserable and unwanted. This has more of an immediate time than necessary. But that's what you get when using words like, " suicide" or " need". I'm not exaggerating. I am and do. However, I've been this way for so long it's just my baseline. I'm used to images of my missing head, my cat crying as my roommates discover me. Me hanging from my closet rack with earbuds in each ear; blasting some angry or sad song. Maybe both angry and sad. One quickly follows the other, not in the order provided though. I walk around providing only a glimpse of my degraded mental state so that those who view my face get off my back. I've presented and soon after, adopted anger as a primary emotion over depression. People are scared of that, some anyway. IDK. I'm rabling but the point is I'm sick of hiding. While this isn't exactly a transparent form of communication, it's exactly what I need for now. I want to feel like people hear, but not let them see. If you have never been absorbed in to the mental system, you don't know how fucking dangerous it is to be deemed actively, or even passively suicidal.

As you may already know I've shuffled for 21, going on 22 years on this mortal coil. I've been depressed as long as I can remember. Miserable for as long as I could understand and suicidal as long as I haven't accepted it. I am in love, thought I was loved. It's a very one-sided relationship. I was with someone for almost 2 years and now all I have are shadows of memories. I can't really even remember what their face looks like. It behooves me to be cautious in describing that situation, as I'm really not sure what to think now, 3ish months later. Needless to say I'm a wreck. I've had relations with 6ish people and in the end found that I couldn't enjoy, perform or even have a good night without resenting everything beautiful soul that danced with me. It's just never the same once you've felt love. At least I think, honestly I can't say anymore.

Poverty has been a real treat. Lack of opportunity even better to boot. Seems no matter how hard I work, how long or whatever. It's never enough. Always more that needs to be done, paid for. Another emergency, another bill, another car problem, medical bill, vet bill or just plain irresponsibility. Despite this I have managed to save a little bit all that will probably go to feed my DUI fund. .015 over the limit. Please don't learn the hard way that feeling good and being legally good are not the same thing. Get a breathalyzer, don't assume. All of my savings where going to go to a car which I desperately need, or something fun to make it all worth it. Ceva Ceva.

To add to our pyre of self pity I'm a transwoman with a broad chest, Manish hands, an okay dick and legs that I think are gaining stress marks. I also know none of that negative shit is true. I get complements all the time, encouragement and drive. However, no incident of misgemdering can hurt me as much as it does to look in the mirror. In addition, as I've become more social, per the request of my psychologist, who believes my problem to be a lack of relational reimbursement; I've encountered far more bigotry than I'd like. I know I could never come out to my father or really any of my family. It certainly feels like no one desires me romantically. Not that I'm emotionally available but it'd be nice to know if some did. Though it may be a bit conceded I really wouldn't want anyone to reveal their admiration unless they were the future love of my life.

Speaking of love, know what it's like to be gas lit by your love? Fucking great. Never felt better. In addition, I can understand why they did so, for very relatable and logical reasons. So, I can not vilify them as they did me. So there's that layer of mortal complexity. Now I actually have to think of what, if anything I did terribly wrong or even somewhat abusive. Even though, after almost 4 months all I can think is I was depressed and didn't want to get out. I was broke, didn't want to spend money, I was agitated and needed to cool off, I was scared and needed to voice my concerns, 4 hours together twice a week isn't enough after two years & had trust issues so I needed to be reassured and know what went wrong. All this makes me think, "gee. You'll never, be enough. You'll always be less than". Oh! In addition I know it's bad, I know. However I'm venting so get off my back. I can not stop thinking about all the fucking shit I did for them. But when it came their time, we couldn't stop up to the plate. There are words I'll never trust again. "love" and "soul mate" chief among them. What do I put my trust in? Action? Usually has to come after I've already trusted the word. To wrap it up in a little bow. Despite me not harassing them, they unfriended me after asking to be friends and blocked me soon after. On everything. Minus phone. We've spoken twice since. I keep meaning to ask for my spare car key back but, it may just be in the stuff they gave me or plain lost. Not sure I want to know.

In the end all I've learned is that the promise of karma, love, possibilities, god or change are all breath upon loose lips.

Wanna know the funny part?

I work at a mental hospital.

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

“you’re an adult now”

[carteroflarrows]

wish i could go outside without putting shoes on 

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]

[carteroflarrows]