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[carus-tu]

Went to Simala with Josh

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Michie asked me if I'd like to tag along with her while she go luggage-hunting for her upcoming Taiwan trip this May. And without hesitation, I said YES! of course. (I maybe exaggerating my response though)

We went to Basilica del Santo Niño first to pray and light candles

Afterwards we went to Ayala Center to go luggage-hunting which is our main agenda for the day. And here's what Michie got, which I jested that the color looks like the caramel macchiato flavor. Lol

Michie treated us for a coffee, right after. Had dinner at Phat Pho. Did not got the chance to take a photo though cause we were starving. Lol!

Then the following day, I met with mommy Mitchy. Had breakfast together and catch up.

[carus-tu]

Dear Self,

I have been waking up late, recently, since I got separated from my previous job. I may appear okay from the outside but God knows how scared I was due the uncertainty in life.

I don't know if I can keep on going. Even some of the people closest to me noticed and told me that I am not okay anymore. There were nights when I'd cry for no apparent reason and sometimes due to unexplainable sadness. Some days even when I'm not okay I'd still show up at work but there are also instances when I'd leave for work but I would stay at a cafe, at Jollibee, at Dunkin or a friend's apartment. There was a time when the latter become constant and it eventually resulted to - me getting penalized due to my absences.

Until the decision came. I was called for a meeting with our manager along with the HR. That's when they told me the decision that I could no longer continue. Though I have prepared myself as to whatever is the outcome, but at some point instead of feeling regrets, I felt as though a heavy weight that I have been carrying for I don't know how long was eventually lifted. I processed my exit clearance the same day I got HR's decision. Sent a few message to some of the people that made an impact to me during my tenure. Took a stroll for a bit to absorb what transpired in that meeting. Then ruminated as to what's next for me and how am I gonna tell Josh.

Of all the things I had in mind, the thought that gave me a hard time was "how am I gonna tell Josh". I know he'd be disappointed with me again, not just him but also my brother and sister. We had so much plan and I felt really bad for ruining those plan he shared with me. What's even more scarier was when the thought of going home(back to Leyte) came to my mind. "What about Josh", "Am I just gonna leave him?", "How are we going to pay the bills?" these are that thoughts that came after. Although I don't have a definitive answer yet but I am certain that I am not just leave him with that burden alone. I will have to think of how I can help him somehow.

Told my parents the news as well as my brother and sister, and their responses gave me tears. I never imagine that they'd be more understanding. Both my ate and kuya told me to take a pause for now and even mama told me to go home and get a rest. But despite my family's reassurance, I can't help but feel sad when I think about leaving Josh. I loved Josh even when there are things he does that annoys me. Some days, he gave me headache but he's also the one who takes them away. He's both my chaos and peace.

Love,

Yourself

[carus-tu]

Dear Self, I know it is scary. I never thought deciding to take a rest can be this scary.

[carus-tu]

Existential Crisis

(Photo is from Pinterest)

What's my purpose for living? Who am I doing this for?

Ever asked your self about these question? At some point, there will come a time in our life when we'll 'em.

[carus-tu]

Getting knocked down in life is a given. Getting up, starting from where you are and moving forwar, is a choice. - Zig Ziglar, Embrace the Struggle

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Alright let's try this again.