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I thought I'd be happier with my boyfriend, I thought I wouldn't be nearly as depressed. I guess I was wrong.
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How depressed I am is kind of insane. I am at a point where I actually want to end it all. I have no reason to keep living, to be honest. My mental health is declining at an intense speed. Nothing is really worth living for. The only reason why I'm still alive is because I can't put my friends and family through that kind of pain. I'm trying so hard to move forward and to be happy, but nothing suffices.
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24
I’m finally 24. I thought this year would be better considering how much of a shit show last year was. But it’s not. Almost everyone got my birthday wrong, no one except for one person in the gc greeted me, and my bestie didn’t plan my celebration and didn’t show up. Both besties for that matter. Not tryna be a Debbie downer, but also, wtf? But at the same time, fair. I don’t talk in the gc lol. All those birthdays that I never said anything. Is karma. Other than that, I guess my birthday wasn’t a complete disaster. I still got to celebrate with those who do care enough. And I have an amazing sister who planned the whole thing. And an amazing bf who went above and beyond as always. Well, it just started so let’s how the rest of this goes.
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Time to finally update I guess? I’m a little late, but I’m about to hit 5 months with my baby🥹 Post breakup was a lot harder but also a lot easier than I thought. But I guess it only got easier because after 6 years, we finally crossed paths once again. I never thought I’d see the day. You were the one I’ve always wanted. You became my Roman Empire. I remember thinking about you while you were still active. I remember wondering how you were doing. I remember always asking about you whenever I got the chance. I remember the day I was told you were engaged and even though I was in a fully committed relationship, I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous even after so many years had passed. Right person right time finally??? You were my biggest, “What could’ve been?” For the longest time, and I never thought I would have my questions answered. And now I guess we’re engaged???? Anyways I can’t wait to get married and have babies with you hehe
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You say you feel for me more, but I think you’ll always feel for her more than you ever do for me
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I felt like shit until I saw the cat sculpture of wood
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I freaking miss being cute with him. I miss using my baby voice with him and calling him all these pet names and only ever being so baby with him… Just with him tho. It’s hard to imagine me being cute like that with anyone else. No one warned me about how hard your second heartbreak is. I thought you were the one for me but it doesn’t matter because I’m not the one for you. And you told me yourself that I wasn’t. It’s okay though, it is what it is. Today I went through my photo album looking at videos of us together. It made me smile. I wish I can talk to you and ask you about your day. Hearing your voice again felt so therapeutic when watching the videos. I remember how your voice felt so soothing to me and I even once asked you to sing me to sleep. I guess I’m still going through my withdrawals phase. This is just literal pain. So. Much. Pain. This is straight up brutal. I wake up everyday not wanting to do anything with my day and all I ever think about is you. I know you’re not thinking of me because you said you’re not going to when we broke up. I just, can’t get over how everything was all over in one day. I wish I can hold you again. I loved the way it felt when being in your embrace. I felt the most comfort when holding you or being held by you. Today I asked myself, “What’s better? Have someone that has everyone you love in a person? Or learning to love someone?” You were someone I learned to love. You weren’t not my ideal guy at first. There were some things about you I truly did not like, but I learned to love you and love everything about you. And I think that’s what made my love for you so intense. But I know for you with me, that wasn’t the case. You couldn’t love me to the fullest extent. Your love for me was conditional. And I accept that. I know that, if the person I love can only love me under certain conditions, then this break up was needed. We weren’t good for each other. But if given the chance right now, I would take you back in a heartbeat. I would immediately fold. I would fold so hard and that’s what I hate. I hate that, you still have so much power over me when I hold no value to you. In 10 days though, it’ll be your birthday. I wish I can at least greet you but I can’t. And on that day, I’ll just be balling my eyes out all day.
03/19/2023
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I can’t believe I really dated someone so emotionally stupid and immature
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Being blocked truly is a blessing in disguise. I would have never had the guts to leave, and I would have continued to talk to you when I know I shouldn’t. You weren’t good to me. You weren’t healthy for me either. I did everything and more and went above and beyond and I couldn’t even receive the bare minimum. So honestly, thank you. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy my time with you. I definitely did, and I look back on our memories on fondly. I can say that our memories is probably one the best memories I’ve ever had. I’ll never forget the feelings I felt when I was with you and if I could, I would turn back time to when things were good between us. I would turn back time to when you and I were at our happiest and most comfortable with each other. To this day, one of my favorite memories is the 3 day weekend we spent when my parents were out of town and it was the first time we saw each other after a month of not seeing each other because we both had Covid haha. It was probably the first time I’ve ever seen you excited to see me. Like truly excited, the first time I’ve ever seen you run towards me and kiss me so passionately. It was the moment that I saw you for the first time after not seeing each other for a while is what I am forever drawn by, not the time we spent together. The time we spent together though was honestly perfect. It was the earlier stages of our relationship and it amazed me how there was no pressure, and everything went so smoothly like it was already planned. But nothing was planned. That’s the best part. We did so much that weekend. We cooked something new for the first time and it was so good, we built a fort, and we just messed around a lot as well… It’s hard to process that we are where we are now. I never saw this coming. Ultimately, I knew we weren’t meant to last, but I also didn’t think we’d end like this. I honestly cannot process the kind of position that we are in and it ended with my biggest fear in a relationship. That one day, you were going to wake up one day, and just decide that you don’t love me anymore. As far as I knew, your love for me was still at 100%, but the next day, it’s just all gone. Honestly though, I probably deserved it. This was my karma. I’ve done exactly that before, and I realized how shitty that was of me. I can’t seem to grasp the idea that we’re actually really over… A part of me is still holding onto hope that you’ll realize that you still love me and that you’ll come back, but I know that’s not true. I know that, you’re ready to move on. That this chapter of our’s, you’re ready to move onto the next. But our chapter, this chapter is the one I can’t seem to let go of. I just keep rereading it and replaying it in my head. I don’t want to let go, but I know that I have to. Because, my love for you may have been the most intense love I’ve ever felt in my life, but I now know, I deserve better. I deserve someone who will acknowledge my love and efforts. I deserve to be protected at all costs emotionally and physically. I deserve fucking flowers for once at least! I deserve someone who wants to understand me and my feelings. I deserve someone who will communicate with me with whatever is on their mind. I deserve someone who understands reassurance and empathy without me having to explain the concept and importance of it. I deserve to be loved, understood, and cared for with the utmost respect. The fact that I had to ask for it, means you weren’t the one for me. You were never ready to be in a relationship to begin with. What sucks is I knew all of this. I knew everything and I just decided to ignore it. I knew you weren’t ready and I knew we weren’t going to last, but the feelings I had for you, made me think otherwise… I think truly, we were meant to be, just not right now. And if it not ever, then we are still meant to be, we just weren’t meant to last… I’ll love you always Anthony Luu.
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