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Own Your Mess

Here lately I have been weighed down by shame and guilt. I have had this idea in my head that I have to be perfect. It’s almost like I feel that my life “before Christ” was my trial period (the only time I could mess up), and now that I know Christ, it’s the real thing and I’m not allowed to mess up anymore. Like I said, this is an idea in my head, I’m just being real. The more I get to know Jesus and people that know Him, the more I start to realize that I am wrong. And that I am not alone. I will admit that I have not read the bible from front to back, but I know that God does not say, “Once you accept me into your life, you must be perfect”, but I feel like sometimes we feel that way... at least I do. I know that after I was “saved”, it took me a few years to actually start walking with God, to be an actual follower of Christ. I think that is what is so cool about God. He is so personal and He speaks to people and teaches people differently. I have always heard, “ya live and ya learn” and I have finally given it enough thought to believe that it’s true. I think we spend our entire life learning. Honestly, it would really stink if we all of a sudden just stopped learning new things. I feel like everyday God is teaching me something new about Him and something new about myself. 

A few years ago, I heard a song called “beautiful things” and here are some of the lyrics. (not in the order in which the song flows) 

“Could a garden come up from this ground at all?”

“Out of chaos life is being found in you.”

“You make beautiful things out of dust.”

“You make beautiful things out of us.”

And I feel like this explains our life. If you didn’t already know, now you know, God makes beautiful things. He made the mountains we love, the stars we admire but then that same God created you and I. We look to the nature around us to find beauty in God’s creation, yet we look in the mirror and see nothing special. But guess what? When God created the wonders of this world, he said, “this is good”, but when he created you and me, he said, “wow this is great”. He calls us his masterpiece, his best work. There aren’t two people that are exactly the same, even identical twins are different in a number of ways. 

But back to my previous thought, I know that we can all relate to the lyric, “could a garden come up from this ground at all?” and I say yes. I know there have been times where I literally feel like dirt; dirty and walked on. Music is so helpful. The lyrics allow us to connect to each other and relate in some way, so I have another one called “something beautiful”. “In your ocean, I'm ankle deep. I feel the waves crashing on my feet. It's like I know where I need to be, but I can't figure out. Yeah. I can't figure out just how much air I will need to breathe. When your tide rushes over me.. there's only one way to figure out. Will you let me drown? Will you let me drown?” And wow, this is so real. It explains how I feel when I’m caught in one of life’s storms. I know where I need to be, but I can’t figure out how to get there. It’s like I can feel myself sinking, but sometimes it’s right before we go under that we cry to God for help. Sometimes we look to God quicker than others, but I know that there are other times that I have been on the verge of drowning, but the question is, “God, will you let me drown?” And the only real way for us to find out is to be neck deep. When we go through the hard stuff, I feel like that is when we learn to trust  God the most. Think of what has happened in your life this far. Have you drowned yet? No, because you’re still alive, but I don’t doubt that you have been pretty close. 

The reason  I titled this “own your mess” is because we are not meant to be perfect, and we never will be. The only way to find true joy in life is to be content with the fact that you are imperfect, and that Jesus gave his life so that we don’t have to carry the weight of our sins and feel shame and guilt. You and I both know how heavy it can get. If I’m being honest, here lately I have literally been brought to my knees because I’ve been carrying the weight way too long. I have always heard the term “weight” and “carry” and “burdens” all used when referring to sin, but I think that I have finally felt it literally weighing me down. 

I don’t know about you, but I have never really been inspired by someone who pretends to have it all together. I’m more interested in the people that embrace their weakness and imperfection, yet find strength and redemption through Christ. “I am redeemed.  You set me free.” Jesus came into this world, lived a life we could not live, and died the death that we deserve, so that we wouldn’t have to carry the weight of our sins. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” And I really like the way that the English Standard Version says “passed away”. Because thinking in the terms of death or loss, it can be hard to let go of someone when they pass away. I feel like there is a difference between “remembering someone and learning how to live without them and moving on” and “holding onto someone, to the point where you are being held back and you just stop living”. And I 100% believe that my old life has passed away and that I am a new creation in Christ, but I sometimes feel like I am still holding onto parts of my old life, my dead life. I know God, and I truly believe he is using me, but I feel like sometimes I am being held back by trying to dig up parts of my old life. Relating this back to actual death that most of us can relate to.. When someone you have come to know and love so well passes away, you have to learn how to live again. And I feel like 2 Corinthians 5:17 is saying, the old Cassidy has passed away, but the new Cassidy is a new creation, and she is going to have to learn how to walk again, talk again, love again, etc. And that is why we follow God, because we literally don’t know what we’re doing. We have to look to those who have been walking a little bit longer than us. That whole “the old is gone, the new has come” thing has always been hard for me to understand, because sometimes I don’t feel new, like a shiny new car (like I thought I was supposed to feel), but when I look at it in terms of newborn baby, haha yeah I definitely feel like that. Babies/new creations are so messy and can’t do anything for or by themselves, yet they find beauty and joy in the simplest things. And that is how I want to be.

If you actually made it this far without giving up on me, I just wanted to say, me saying this does not mean that I finally got it! No, not even close. I have shared this because it’s real and I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. I feel like most of the shame we feel lies within the secrets we try and hide from the world. What I am trying to work on is exposing myself. It is hard living a double life, ask Hannah Montana. Eventually it becomes too much to carry, and that is when I am reminded of the cross and the love that Jesus has for me. Life is so much easier when you have nothing to hide. I know it is much easier said than done, and after reading this I’m sure most of us still wouldn’t dare expose the darkest parts of ourselves, but I’m just trying to find freedom and peace. We don’t have to be strong because God is. We don’t have to be perfect because God is. And guess what, His spirit lives inside of me and his very hands created me. I’m just saying, instead of trying to pretend and cover up your flaws. Just own your mess. Sure, some will stick around, some may flee, but you’ll be alright, and it will be so much easier to breathe. Don’t spend your entire life pretending to have it all together. Rest in the fact that we are all broken and beaten down, but God has a plan. After all, God had a plan in John 6 when he broke what little bread he had and fed 5,000+ people. And that is because it literally multiplied. In order for His kingdom to multiply, maybe we have to be broken first too.

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Exodus 33:21 and 22 (ESV)

And the Lord said, “Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by.” 

I know you’re probably thinking about how short and random this verse is, but there is so much you can get out of it.

God was speaking to Moses, but He is also speaking to us. He said, “there is a place by me”, not “there is a place behind me”, “there is a place near me”, but by me. There is just something so personal about His words. You have to dig deep into everything that God says and not always take it so literal. Of course God will stand with you on a rock, but the bible has almost everything to do with how we view God. We can’t physically touch him, so the bible is the foundation on which we discover God’s character. The way that He speaks to Moses in Exodus, the way that David speaks about Him in Psalms, how Jesus treated people just like you and me, we find all of this in His Word, a love letter written specifically to us. 

To direct what God is telling Moses in this situation to us, I think that God is saying “come stand by me”. It’s clear that this is an invitation, and I felt the need to state the obvious because I feel like we get so caught up in the fact that God is above us, that we forget that He is also right beside us and even cooler, living within us. God can do or say whatever He pleases and He didn’t say, “Behold, there is a place below me where you shall stand on the ground”, He said, “beside me on the rock”. God sent Jesus to walk among us and die for our sins so that we could have the opportunity to stand with God upon the rock, it’s a lot to take in, I know. 

Just when ya thought it couldn’t get any sweeter.

God says, “I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by.” There is a song by Kari Jobe titled I Am Not Alone and it says, “I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me.” (You should check it out!) Like God said in Exodus 33:22 what Kari Jobe says in her lyrics, He will go before us. God isn’t going to send us anywhere that He hasn’t been. We are followers of Christ, not “freshmen on the first day of high school”ers of Christ. Think of it like this, you know how in scary movies, the big, tough man is like, “Wait here, let me go in first to see if it’s safe, you wait here and I’ll give you the go ahead.” God is the same way. He would never lead us into something that He knows in unsafe. 

I think that we often times forget that God doesn’t just lose track of us when we feel as if we have no direction, we are always on his radar. You know when you’re tracking something, we’re that little red dot, God knows exactly where we are at at all times because He is in control. There is a peace in knowing that the creator of this universe has created a path for you and me, has already checked it out to make sure that it’s perfect for us and safe, and is going to walk us through it. In the song Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin, he says “Whom shall I fear. I know who goes before me.” I know, much easier said, but it’s good to know and remember that.

God has invited us to stand beside him.

He will cover and protect us.

And, He will not send us to a place or through a season He has not already been through Himself. 

So... sit back, relax, and rest in the fact that your future has already been taken care of. Enjoy right now. Stop worrying and breathe.

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convo with a good friend

Here lately I have learned a lot about God, from God. My friend and I had a conversation today about life and it went something like this...

Me: “Sometimes I just want to call it quits, go back home to my parents, and take the easy route. I’m worn out.”

Her: “Cassidy, life is more meaningful when you have to fight. You know how great it feels to make an A on a test you studied your butt off for? Or to pay for things yourself with your hard earned money? Or to win a race you trained so hard for? My point is, God never said, “come follow me, your life will be easy.” He chose you because He knows you can fight, and he wants you to have more than what the “easy route” has to offer.”

Like wow guys. Of course I was done complaining after that. Isn’t she right though? It is true, God never once said, “follow me and your life will be easy”. Also, think about your first encounter with God.. or your second... or any. What was it like? What were your circumstances at the time? Were you feeling stuck, going through a storm? For me, I know often times I feel God the most in the midst of a storm I’m going through. Not necessarily in the beginning, but when it becomes to much to bare on my own, I give it all to God and remind myself that He is greater than any trial I am facing and will ever face. These seasons remind me of how much I need God. The first time I ever encountered God, I thought that my life was over, to be honest, but it had only begun. 

Honestly imagine an easy life, where everything is given to you... Would you ever realize that you need God? Would your life have any meaning? What would you do if all of a sudden you lost everything and everyone around you? You would drown. This brings me to another point. When something or someone is taken away from us, we must keep going. Of course it hurts, but think about it. Usually, that something or someone was good, right? Yeah, well James 1:17 tells us that “every good and perfect gift is from above”. So, in other words, everything that we have is a gift from God and was never ours in the first place. We must know that God alone is all we need. He is enough. It sounds extreme, but most of us who feel disadvantaged, actually have far more than we deserve.

Back to the conversation I had with my friend. She reminded me that God wants to give us more. He wants to give us life. We all know what it feels like when something or someone gives us life and when something or someone does not. The devil enjoys enticing us with a repetitive temporary high that leaves us feeling empty and dirty. God wants us to feel full and clean. We are already promised everlasting life in Heaven. God just wants us to hang on, stay strong, and trust him until then. He knows that we live in a broken world, we are not expected to be perfect. God has greater plans for us and each and everyday, he is preparing us for what is to come. I think we often forget that God has already planned the ways in which he is going to use us, and everything that happens in our life is part of that plan. He sees the big picture, we don’t. That is why we are told to “walk by faith, not by sight”.

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There is nothing in this world that is too big for God to handle, but we also must remember that there is nothing to small either.

me

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“You give them something to eat”

Matthew 14:13-21

One of my favorite stories in the bible is in Matthew, when Jesus fed 5,000+ people with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. 

Just imagine being there. What would you do? How would you react? Be honest. We know for a fact that Jesus can do anything, yet we still hesitate and question His ability.. or do we question his desire to use us? or do we lack faith in our own abilities? or all of the above. If it makes you feel any better, some of Jesus’s disciples questioned how they were going to feed that many people with such little supplies, and they witnessed Jesus work miracles, first hand. We have to remember who God is and what He has already done in the bible and in our own lives. 

When God told the disciples to feed the people, Philip began to calculate what it would take to feed that many people, as if it was his work and not the work of the Lord, who can make anything possible. In life, we try and figure things out alone and lose faith in God too soon because we imagine ourselves failing. Which alone... we will. God turns ordinary things into extraordinary things. If we bring God what we have, He will use it. He could have fed the 5,000 by himself easily, but He insisted on using us because He sees more in us. The disciples were ready to send the people to shelters that could feed them, but Jesus said, “You give them something to eat”. 

And guess what?

They ate.... and had some food leftover. God will give us enough and then some. 

“He will give an abundance.”

Psalm 132:15

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When I Grow Up...

I am almost certain I was more sure about what I want to be when I grow up when I was 6 than I am now, at 19. If only I could have declared a major at 6 years old, before society influenced my decision and college crushed my dreams. It sounds dramatic, but it is the truth. I knew my entire life that I wanted to be a Veterinarian. I have a strong love for animals and I have always emphasized the importance of Vets because animals do not have the ability to verbally tell you what is wrong. In other words, it takes a special person to be a Vet. 

In high school changed my mind. After researching the education that being a Vet requires, I decided that I wanted to be a nurse. I love the idea of helping people and I just love the overall hospital setting, but the needles and the blood... I don’t know if that is for me. Also, getting into Nursing school requires extreme passion and dedication to the field and I realized that I didn’t want it enough. It is always awkward changing your major from nursing as a lower-division student because people assume that you don’t have what it takes or you couldn’t handle the pressure. “Only the strongest will survive...” amiright?

Anyway, after being a nursing major for 3 seconds, I changed my major to pre-occupational therapy. I have a huge heart for the elderly. I interned at an assisted living and it felt right. It felt like I was meant to be there, but occupational therapy isn’t the only field that works with geriatrics, right?

So, social work. Many people would agree that this major seems fitting to me, but is it really? The majority of my classes this semester are sociology classes and I really enjoy it. I feel like I have a lot of knowledge on this subject, like my brain is wired to think in a sociological perspective... it’s just Tech doesn’t offer a Bachelor’s degree in Social Work... so what is the point? Also, one of my professors was talking about how many years it takes to actually become a social worker and is it really worth 40,000 a year? I mean, money isn’t everything, but it is different when you have to pay for education. When you have to pay for... everything. 

What about Physical Therapy? Well, Pre-Physical Therapy, I guess. I have always been a little interested in it, but I never took the thought and ran with it and for some reason my brain wants to tonight. 12:55 A.M. Yes, of course, I am hella stressed and I want to go to bed. But I have to figure this out. The annual salary is pretty good, I am interested in athletics, I have experienced my fair share of physical therapy, it is in the medical field (which I like), and I’m helping people. BUT. It is a lot of math and science, which I suck at. I mean, anything is possible. If I want something bad enough, I will do anything to get it. But do I want this?

The stressful thing about choosing a major in college is, there is not a lot of time to shop around and figure out what you want to do. You have 3 to 4 semesters to safely change your major and then any changes after that and you’re behind. Who wants to be behind and be in college for 6 years? Not me. Changing your major is scary. What if you are stuck taking 20 hours of classes you can’t stand or flat out just don’t understand? There goes your GPA and there goes another semester added onto your college experience. I am waiting for the education system to be fixed. I am jealous of the students who know what they want to be and are striving to be the best at it. Ya know, God knows what I am going to be in 4-5 years...I’ll just ask Him. 

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Sarah Barrett

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My Story, His Glory

My entire life I have done nothing but surround myself with people, whether it be teammates, club members, classmates, family, or friends, the list goes on. I felt a longing to be part of something, to be included. I would wear myself out trying to be the center of attention, I just wanted to be known. I would hide my insecurities behind my humor. I would mainly crack jokes on myself in order to make people laugh and draw attention away from the root of it all. Insecurity. Looking back I got everything I was asking for. Almost everybody at school knew me, I was on three different sports teams, people thought I was funny, I made good grades, and yet I was still unsatisfied. I allowed the world to drain every bit of energy I had in me.

The very first day of my junior year of high school, I tore my ACL and Meniscus during volleyball practice, and I was told that it would take an entire year, 365 days, for me to fully recover. In that very moment, I was convinced that my life was over. Sports, the main thing that defined me, was taken away from me and I had no idea what to do next. I was hopeless. Slowly everything else started to go downhill as well, people started to forget about me, I felt as if I had no purpose anymore. I was devastated. I can’t remember a day that I didn’t cry.

I had my surgery shortly after it happened and I couldn’t walk for two months. Since my schedule was completely open for once, a good friend of mine invited me to something called Young Life club on a Monday night. It was a great time for me to just let go and forget about what was going on at the time, but that night like everything else in my life, was temporary. I enjoyed myself, so I decided to attend a Thursday night campaigner/bible study, where I met one of my best friends to this day, Erin. That night the wall I was holding up broke. After just moments, I felt the need to share what was going on in my life and ball my eyes out at the same time. I have never felt so comfortable and so heard before. It was so much better than the old saying that I have heard way too many times, “it could be worse”. That night, Erin talked about a man named Jesus who I have heard of before, but I didn’t really know Him, personally. For most of my life I thought I was a Christian. Well I knew that I was “saved”. But who knew there was so much more to it than just that!!

As I started to keep coming back to Young Life clubs, camps, campaigners, and church with my leader, it hit me. Erin Accardi was different. She was unlike anyone I have ever met before. She had something that I wanted, and as soon as I figured out that what she had was a relationship with God, I knew that I wanted that for myself. If it weren’t for her trusting God and chasing after me, I have no idea where I would be right now. I probably wouldn’t be at Tennessee Tech and I definitely wouldn’t be a Young Life leader at Upperman High.

Ever since I began a relationship with God, I have never been the same. Yeah, I still struggle, but I have someone that I can run to. I am no longer defined by what sports I play or how many friends I have, I am defined by my relationship with God and who He is changing me to be. Instead of trying to be known by everyone, I am known by the creator of this universe, and that is enough. God has a plan. He had a plan for me then and He has a plan for me now. I am at peace because I know who holds my future and who guides my heart. Unlike the temporary things of this world that leave you feeling empty, my God is everlasting. I. Am. Full.

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We are saved by the grace of God

God’s grace.

This isn’t a new concept if you were raised in the South. 

It wasn’t until I became aware that there is so much more to being “saved” than escaping eternal Hell, that I really thought in depth about God’s grace. 

As I am typing this, I am also thinking through it and trying to break it down for myself.

So, we know that God sent Jesus to walk among us and die for our sins. And that Jesus laid down His life for us because He loves us that much. Although we are undeserving and we sin daily, He still took the punishment that we deserve in order for us to be forgiven and spend eternity with God. That alone is a lot to take in.

I am constantly having to remind myself that God is gentle and gracious. When I feel guilty for what I have done, my thoughts get carried away and I tell myself that God is mad/disappointed, but the truth is, He is hurt, yet welcoming. When we think of God, we have to envision an image of a gentle father with open arms, not an angry father shaking his head. I want to clarify what I mean when I say that God is hurt when we sin. It is deeper than the actual sin itself, it is our hearts he cares about. God knows what is best for us and when we stray away or continuously sin, He knows deep down we are lonely, broken, and unhappy, of course it hurts Him because our Father wants what is best for us. He offers so much more. 

Back to my point. It is so hard for me to grasp the fact that grace is free and not earned. That God pours mercy over us even when we haven’t acknowledged his existence in 3 years. That we don’t have to do a whole bunch of good things in order to receive a blessing. Shoot! I have received things that I didn’t even pray about because I didn’t even begin to have faith that it could actually happen. But we’re talking about the God that made the blind man see, that made the paralyzed man walk, the God that moves mountains. 

So what does that say about our faith when we don’t even pray about situations that don’t even compare to moving mountains? I said WE for a reason, you and me both do it. It’s just the truth. God’s word speaks of many examples of the power that our God has and all that is required is faith... and not like football field sized faith(which is great)... but faith the size of a mustard seed. A mustard seed. It seems small, but when we don’t meet Him on our knees and lay it all down at His feet, our faith in Him is actually smaller than a mustard seed, it’s believe it or not, nonexistent. 

What I am trying to say is, God’s grace never runs out! We live in a broken world filled with a whole lot of temporary things, so it is fulfilling to know that God’s grace is everlasting. And it’s free... I mean who doesn’t love free stuff? Anyway, I probably didn’t clearly explain my exact thoughts when it comes to the grace of God, but it is far beyond me to ever fully understand. God doesn’t intend for us to spend our entire lives trying to find reasoning in everything He does and is. He wants us to find peace in the freedom He offers through allowing Him full access to your heart.

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let us rest in the truth

What is your answer when someone asks you who you are? Where do you start?

I would probably start with my name, a description of my personality, and maybe list some of my hobbies. For instance: My name is Cassidy. I would say I’m pretty outgoing, loud, and goofy. I like to play sports, I go to Tennessee Tech, and I am a young life leader at Upperman High School.

Flawless. Truly a perfect person.

But who am I? Honestly. My name is Cassidy. I hide behind my humor because I’m insecure. Yeah, I’m loud because I long to be noticed. Sure, I’m pretty outgoing, also annoying, moody, lazy, etc. I gave up on sports in high school, I could barely afford to go to college, and I haven’t opened my bible in a week. My point is this: We all have the ablility to portray a false image of who we are. We spend so much of our time redesigning God’s best work, us. We are humans living in a world of sin, perfection is unobtainable. Trying to uphold a fake image is exhausting. We are wasting our lives on temporary acceptance. To think about who you really are can honestly be scary, but it is also truly beautiful. Our creator made us fearfully and wonderfully, he knew who we were before we took our first breath, we are his masterpiece.

And how would you feel if you created something that you believed was absolutely perfect, that was different from every other creation in the world, and someone came and changed it completely and told you about how much they hated it? It would suck right?

Well, that is what we do to God everyday. He personally designed us to look like and be exactly who we are. The one who created the stars and the planets created you as well. You are perfect because a perfect God created you. There is peace in being content with who God created you to be. Living a new life in Christ rids us of our imperfect selves and fills us with Jesus. It’s normal to want to change things about yourself, we are all human. I’m just saying, let’s rest in the truth.

Psalm 139:14

“You are fearfully and wonderfully made”. and that is enough.