casstrashh

[casstrashh]

Journal #6 A Whole Lotta Hoopla (12:31 am)

I write this tonight in my oversized, pink, hooded, blanket, sweatshirt thingamajig with a headache and cold feet. No jazz this time, but sad lyrics. I'm not sleeping hungry this time, but I have terrible regrets in eating 7 assorted Krispy Kreme donuts (1 glazed being 190 calories). I also haven’t worked out in awhile, but I have a banging body still, if I sucked in hard enough :). As said last post, I just got out of some sort of depressive episode. During that last post, I was feeling all the emotions, and had moments of spiraling, to which I now can control better. Nowadays, I’m slowly getting into the groove of things, and doing tasks little by little. I’ve calmed down significantly, but there’s a little light in me that still going. I hope to keep on with this journal because it seems to me I'm losing interest in it. It’s like exercise, the less I do it, the more comfortable I am without it. But I need it. 

I found a diary when I was ten during that week. It was somewhat comedic reading the first three entries out of the four in that journal. I was in a love-triangle with Sama and Mike Dipiero (he's in jail at the moment). It was concerning how severe my anger issues were, because I would talk of murdering someone for a boy. I get that from my father. Nonetheless, quite hilarious. The last journal though, I cried. I haven’t cried by myself in a while. My one year old self wanted to commit suicide. A decade seems like a while ago, but comparing it to a person, ten years old is still a baby. Baby me wanted to commit suicide. I was devastated. Ten years later, she is still stuck in the purgatory of life or death. Mental illness sucks. I have two more sessions of therapy. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave. 

I was not sure to write this in another journal entry, but who knows when the next time I will write one. I think I’m feeling some sort of love again. I think Devin loves me, and I have never experienced true love given to me. I gave a lot of love with Chris, but all I received was the barest minimum, car rides, and judgement- I accepted all of it. I thought my relationship was perfect, and he was perfect. Everyone knew I could do better, but I was happy, until I really wasn’t. He was my distraction, but he wasn't the greatest distraction. Poor kid had me at my worst. I wouldn’t say it was his responsibility to help me, but at least pretend to care a little better. I still have love for him, but I definitely  don't want him back, and he definitely does not deserve my journal space.

“I don't hate him, I know he’s lost, but I hate how he had to hurt me. Even though I think I’m over him, I still see him drive in every white Chevy Cruze I pass on the road.” (01/05)

I have been getting crazy dreams with him in it these past few days, a lot involved with sex. Sometimes with me, sometimes with someone else.

I know I would not be ready for another relationship for another two years, but things are starting to pick up with Devin. He is a good kid, great actually. I have never met someone who goes out of their way to constantly compliment or stare at me. I eat that shit up.Sometimes, I pretend I don't know what's going on, so he can keep doing it. He wrote me a poem. I always thought poems are corny, but this one is beautiful, it’s about me, and it's written on Moleskin paper. I never thought someone would think of me at all (even Chris), let alone write me a poem. I know I have only had three significant relationships in my life, and Devin being the first one, he’s winning. I found the perfect formula in a man. 

1. Has a solid job, or no-fail college major

2. Bi (they are observant, more with their emotions somehow, and they can dress)

3. Has had previous relationships (first-time boyfriends suck coming from experience from me and others)

4. Nice body (I’m fatphobic)

5. Will spend money on you (can’t date a cheapo)

Regardless of the formula, Devin is good for me, and he is someone that is treating me right to which I deserve. Even though I wanted to wait, I have no regrets. I just hope this won’t be the second time he breaks my heart.

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I think I wrote enough my pea brain can handle in these fragile times. No prompt tonight. 

[casstrashh]

Journal Entry #5 How Should I Even Format This? (1:35 am)

I would say I am getting out of this weird rut/cloud. Which is totally great. I have had these episodes before, and now I am aware they are textbook depressive episodes. I talked to my therapist about this, and her hypothesis is that despite me being both depressed and anxious, I am more on the anxious side and my depression is mild. I guess I am not a functioning depressed person. I can loosely recall her saying “your anxiety is so much that it may be the way you function, so when you get less anxious, your mood, thoughts, and motivation decreases mimicking a depressive state. How lovely does that sound. Covid is getting worse, and if I just stopped hanging out with Devin, my risk of getting Covid would plummet. I don't blame him. I blame myself for getting a little too attached. I need to be attached to a sugar daddy. I want to go shopping so much, my desires of shopping has sky rocketed like my sugar cravings. I want to get a lot of things done, and I hope I do get them done, it would make me feel better. 

If tonight's journal seems erratic, it’s because it is. This was by far so impulsive, and I just needed to get some sort or energy, thoughts out. Now I am getting out of this state, and that I am more aware of it, I have been feeling so many emotions. I would say for the past few months, I have been feeling calm and almost numb or suppressed to my emotions. Now, or at least today, my ruminating and spiraling tendencies are coming back. I don’t know where they came from, but I have noticed it during the first quarantine. The first big one I can recall was December 31st 2020, and a few others throughout the summer. My recent one was today, and it was scary. Granted, I have been using some grounding skills and they do help. Go to therapy kids!

I don’t know if it's because I am in some type of mood, but I want to change my whole surroundings and myself. I have been exercising (to which I hope to keep up with) and I want to shop and shop and shop until I am a completely different person. I wonder if people actually enjoy my company, or they find me annoying. I know people wouldn’t go out of their way to compliment others, and that people do say they very much enjoy my company, but what about the other times they thought I was annoying? I wonder how much that outweighs them me liking me. Devin and Ethan told me that Zack and Dan hung out with Chris (their childhood friend and my ex) is because they liked me. I still don't understand that. Is it narcissistic of me to ask for details? Will this boost my self confidence? Why do I need to much validation from others to make me feel good? I know everyone says I am pretty and funny (I don’t believe them, but I do take the compliments), but can I please get more than that? Is it too much or too weird to ask someone that? I want to hear or see someone talk about me and how much I am so cool. Like Andrew Garfield talking about his (ex) Emma Stone, “She was like a shot of espresso”. I love espresso, so in my eyes, that’s a good quote. I hope God sees this, and I receive a book of compliments and why people like me. Unfortunately, I can't get that and it is what it is.

I am for sure gonna try to change up my look, I’ll revamp my Pinterest account tonight.

Not sure if my appetite has increased, or I am finally eating when I am hungry.

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Bucket List

I never made a bucket list, for I thought I would not live long enough to complete it, and I always thought they were corny. However, I am a corny person, and I am not above anything. This is a bucket list I am making one the spot, someday I will make a physical copy I can build upon. 

Party in Montreal

Go to a strip club

Grow a decent-sized butt

Travel to the countries I want to

Go to the Red-Light District in Amsterdam

Run in some sort of running event 

Finish all the books I bought (Maybe that will be a New Years Res.)

I swear I had more in my mind, but I did not write it out, so they don’t exist until it comes to my mind.

[casstrashh]

Journal Entry #4 The Missing Case of My Holiday Spirit (12:21 am)

To my surprise, I am writing today! The day was kind of weird, I woke up mid-snore which was funny. Same ol routine of buying coffee, doing the therapy, and window shopping. I’m down to $14 now. I guess I am writing to make up of not doing any exercise or any of the tasks I’ve been meaning to check off this past week. I don’t want to be too hard on myself, but how much is too much babying? Where is the middle ground of not taking things too seriously and not berating myself into a panic? I can't let myself getting away with being lazy though. Guess that's something I have to work on. My love life is still weird. Actually, it never has been normal. I truly lost my ability to love. I can only imagine it coming back in the next life, or in Sims. 

Speaking of a loss of emotion, I lost the Christmas spirit. Usually right after October 31st, almost every brain of the American citizen switches into some sort of holiday cheer. Christmas music starts playing (no matter how many times you listen to it, it never got old), lights are more vibrant, crowds at shopping malls aren't an issue, prices in everything inflates, but who cares? It’s the holiday cheer! Maybe because of my chronic and seasonal depression, the red and green colored sunglasses are dulled out. I have not attempted to play or sing any Christmas music, decorate, plan and finance a month ahead on Christmas gifts, or even finish up making the Christmas gifts. It’s December 24 for fucks sakes, and I have not dared to iron on that transfer paper on a t-shirt for my sister and brother-in-law. I would say my Christmas spirit started diminishing in high school, but I did not think it would be gone by age twenty. Why did mine die so early, will I get it back? Am I Ebenezer Scrooge without the fear of death? Yes. This is the case of radical acceptance- when you stop fighting reality and say “it is what it issss”.

Today’s meal has been a medium americano with an extra shot, a 210 cal. bag of cheez-its, and a 600 cal. Almond Crunch Wetzels Pretzel. ShEESH that’s a lot.

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21st Birthday Speech

Christmas talk aside, December 25th is my half birthday. I am almost turning 21. It's an age I am excited to reach, for I did not think I would make it to that number. I am excited to bring all my friends together for a long weekend in Provincetown, Massachusetts to bartend in an Airbnb, and to go out to gay clubs. As a drunken token of appreciation to my friends, besides the impeccable planning and hosting of mine, I would want to make a speech. So, I will draft one right now. 

To set the scene, we’re in the kitchen with my music of choice, all dressed up, all inebriated, and all happy. Me, in a miniest of the mini dresses, opera gloves, ultra-platform heels, and a bottle of Veuve-Cliquot in my hand (probably already sobbing). Champagne flutes in everyones’ hand.

“I planned just about six months to perfect this wonderful weekend we’re having. I am gonna be very dramatic and claim this weekend, far far away from Jersey, is in celebration of my 21st birthday. We’re all looking pretty, feeling pretty happy, and being inebriated right now. I want to thank each of everyone one of you for being my strongest supports. I’ve had it rough for years, and I never knew until I was told I was. It didn't feel like I had it bad because you guys made me feel my best with your presence. I am no corny person, but I want to say I you guys deserve the world, and if I had the opportunity, I would give it you guys. There is so much I can thank you all, but who wants to listen to a long ass speech. Not me! Cheers.”

[casstrashh]

Journal Entry #3 Life and Death? (11:32 am)

As you can see by the timestamp, this entry is out of my routine. I’m in the city for the weekend to finally get out of town. Oh how I missed the smell of sulfur coming from the manholes, the dog shit smeared on the concrete every 5 steps, and inclined speed walk from port authority to the 7 line. To explain this random writing time, I have lost my motivation. This past week I have been having strong bouts of sadness, and the high of reading and writing has been declining. I’m basically forcing myself to write this in order to release the emotions that I have been bottling up this past week. I have just realized the higher my stress levels get, I become numb and incapable of doing the things I want to do. I may not even finish this journal on time, so I may have to draft this in the next half hour. I mentioned this in therapy. Unfortunately, I have a hard time paying attention to the advice my therapist gives me, but I now realized all of this roots from my fear of failing. I would like to recognized the one thing I accomplished this past week, I ran a mile 3x this week! I wouldn’t say those runs really felt good, but I can say I did it. I got a covid exposure scare, and that really put me on an emotional toll. I was not crying or explicitly panicking, but I just closed off and gave up for a second. I sat in bed to quarantine all day, and it took me back to the days and nights where I felt nothing, but hopelessness. I just knew I wouldn't get covid, but I came back to my old ways and started spiraling. Thankfully, I’m negative. 

Side note, I don’t have ADHD and it’s just my crippling anxiety (so no Adderal for me).

I’m gonna be an aunt! I am so excited, I could cry again. I don’t know how to hold a baby, but I’ll get the hang of it. No kids coming out of me, so thank my sister for taking one for the team. On a sad note, I have been having deep thoughts about life and death again. I for sure have accepted death since birth, and it scares me to think the worst for my niece/nephew. Cognitive dissonance is the new word I learned, and it’s the root of all my anxiety. I get it from my father. I’m trying to not think the impending doom, but how can I help it? I watched the new Sex and the City and goddamn Mr.Big died. That did not help at ALL. 

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(12.22.21/ 10:53 pm)

As previously said before, my motivation is low. I am not sure how to fix this. I have not ran for a week, my thoughts are dull, the clutter in my room is accumulating, the “To Do’s” in my To Do list are getting longer and longer with nothing yet accomplished, and  I am driving 95 mph too fast without caution or thought of the repercussions if I jerked my wheel to the right without looking. I do not care. Why don't I care? I see my friends, but the emotions of feeling carefree and distracted is no longer there. I’m feeling a little lonely again. I have had these episodes before, and I have concluded this is not a seasonal thing. I noticed it big time during the summer. Actually, is happened multiple times in the summer. Waking up, feeling everything (yet nothing), and having the same dreadful cycle for a week or two, or three (maybe sometimes four)... It’s nice when the wires in my brain finally sparks up again, and I feel better, not like there was a gray cloud over my head for a month. I am not sure when this current switch up began, but I hope “this too shall pass’ DAMN SOON. 

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What do I want for Christmas?

Christmas is coming up in a few days, and I have not felt the winter wonderland spirit at all. 

I saw this girl on TikTok make a list, and it was the most unconventional  and impossible Christmas list ever. So, here's mine.

An endless supply of Poland Spring bottled water

The weather to be always 72º and sunny

for my room to smell like a freshly washed dishwasher

another car

to be able to drink w/o the cons of drinking

to wake up on Christmas Day and become my ideal body type

A jazz bar of my own (OH coffee shop during the day then jazz bar at night perhaps??)

serotonin without the meds

adderall

bed sheets that never get dirty

finally reading all the books I bought

Teeth whitening strips

clear skin

Painless Brazilian waxes

The 5 places I get my coffee from to know my name and order

sick ass breakdancing moves

to be able to come up with good analogies 

ability to style better

an extra large white chicken chili

[casstrashh]

Journal Entry #2 Am I doing this right? (12:51 am)

I don’t remember if I said this before, but journaling is new to me. As much as it sounds nice to write this down in a physical notebook, my handwriting is pure dogshit. I always hear people about journaling, I wonder what they write. I am very nosy, so hearing their secrets, thoughts, and dreams intrigues me. I bet it intrigues everybody to a certain level. I am not sure how I got into writing. I theorize that it started when I was spending time by myself in Queens. I had all these thoughts and constant inner monologues while walking park to park. I couldn’t delve deep into my thoughts with these Tinder dates because I’m too busy being nosy about their lives. So, now I’m dumping all of my words onto here. I wonder if I’ll keep on with this. I wonder if it’s doing me any good like it is for other people. I guess I just have to continue to do it until it feels normal. Consistency is key. Like running, you just got to keep doing it until it no longer hurts. That was a terrible analogy. First of all, running hurts from beginning to start no matter how many times I do it. Second, writing does no physical nor mental harm whatsoever. I’ll figure out another analogy some other time in my next life.

My days have been going okay. Even being in the city, I would always end up in some sort of boring routine, and a lot of spending. In the city, I would wake up, hop on the 7, find a coffee spot, and walk for several hours. In Jersey I wake up, get a coffee, drive to therapy, and find the mall or a Target to empty my wallet on. My routines are both different in both locations. What they have in common is when it is late at night ready for bed, I remember I am alone, in my thoughts, and with no one to talk to. I miss talking about my day to someone every night even if it was a blah day. I convince myself that I am boring, but I am not. I can solve a damn Rubik’s cube FFS! I think I have to genuinely appreciate the things I do and have done. 

It’s going to be mid 50s for the whole week! I hope to go on a jog everyday. I’ve been slacking and doing a whole lot of eating, yikes.

What would I do if I won the lottery?

I always ask myself this whenever I am down, especially knowing I am poor with poor spending habits. Also, this is a great conversation with friends, relationship, and first dates. Why? Because it's a way to see what kind of person they are. 50/50 selfish cocksucker or a philanthropist?

If I won the lottery, I would choose the lump sum option (according to Google it’s the better option for some tax reason). I would be anonymous and immediately hire a lawyer. I will get this out of the way and say I will do the regular-shmegular traveling, shopping, investing, and buying nice properties blah, blah, blah- nothing surprising. I will first pay off all my debts of my own, parents, and sister/brother-in-law. My closest friends will also be cleared from debt (anonymously). I would not want them to treat me any better after they knew I’m literally ballin’. Therapy will all be provided to those I mentioned, they damn need it as much as I do. Of course I would love to give to the community, but I had a hard time thinking about it. I think I would want to open up a Women’s Shelter, just like in the show MAID. Maybe I am ignorant, but I don’t know where my money goes to in charity? If I got the money, I’m gonna give it to someone up front. Why is there a middleman? If I can somehow find a way to save every retail worker, I would. Maybe in a smaller scale, I could give scholarships and premium Spotify to teens/college students who are working in retail. No college girl should be applying to sugar daddy websites hoping they could pay for their tuition. Once I am satisfied with my life and goals, I would want to open up my dream coffee shop, which I will talk about another time. Since greed will never leave me, my last purchase will be either a plot of land by the beach or a parking garage to rent out parking spots :) 

If someone was evaluating me based on my answers, I am definitely in the middle of being a selfish dickhead and deserving to be in the Good Place.

[casstrashh]

Journal Entry #1 To A New Beginning. (11:55 pm)

Setting the scene, finally got the motivation to clean my room a bit after 3 years of saying I would. I’m sitting on the opposite side of my bed, slumped on top of a chair pillow (professionals say that I should avoid activities in bed, so I figured out the loophole to that...I think). Of course, jazz is in the background. Today, I finally decided to give journaling a go. I have tried multiple times these past weeks since starting therapy. I have not finished one because I have been procrastinating it for two months. I will eventually get to it, I am in no rush. I never thought journaling would be my thing, but I can’t hate on it if I didn't try, right? Right. In group therapy today a girl named Rio suggested to add prompts to my journal. She said, based on what I loosely remember, “English classes don’t always just give you free-writing work, majority comes with prompts to challenge you more”. 

Today’s Prompts I thought of:

What made me happy today?

The smell of coffee beans roasting at Cabana Coffee.

Having Danielle as the clinician for Process.

Finding the headband I wanted at the Target in East Hanover

The drive back home 

Knowing my friends are enjoying the City tonight                  

Clearing up my room a bit                                                                  

How good my outfit for the holiday party looked                  

Getting my period          

Having that micro-insta-influencer like and respond to my comment      

Fitting into those super tiny Italian velvet pants     

Having Cristyne reach out to me, and thinking something funny of me               

Opening up a Tumblr account

Any ruminating thoughts?

Do I have ADHD? 

Why am I always so sad and hopeless when I am trying to sleep/in the middle of sleep?

I am finally trying to put my life back together, and I have been doing great things and improvements. Why don’t I feel happy about it?                      

Am I losing my spark?           

When will I finally feel really content in life?         

Will I be in love again? 

What did you want to do today? Did you get it done?

I did more than I thought I would ever do today.

I did all my mini chores, and hope to do more tomorrow            

Made journaling a thing              

Ate        

Still have some energy to read

New realizations?

I did, but I forgot them. I realized I should write down my realizations when it comes to me.

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Suzzannah gave this analogy during Process where life is a backpack and throughout the years, “rocks” weigh it down- weigh us down, and being in therapy helps us “unpack” it all. Suzzanah is smart. She did attend Princeton after all, but I shouldn’t compare.