casuallyblogs

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Dreamed last night that r and t had a baby and I was hanging out with v again. I had the knowledge that v was not a great friend to have still, but we were sitting at the same booth facing the booth r and t were in with L. R and t were facing us. We may have been at some kind of reunion? T was untrusting of m I could feel it. She was often jealous of r’s female friends, but never of me so I was put off a little. I was trying to appear in r’s line of sight or catch his eye at all but I was failing. I ended up giving up and walking past him thinking he wouldn’t notice. He did.

So we walk and talk for a bit. I’m very quiet. I remember him speaking but I didn’t dream what he was saying. We were walking out of school, through the back parking lot that was mostly empty. I told him I didn’t drive there that day (a lie) and that I was walking this direction because I had to get to a place far enough away from the school so my dad could get me without freaking out (scenario founded in real life truth, but still a lie in this dream).

R said he’d drive me and I began protesting (even though it’s what I wanted). He asked why and I said because this is the first time we’re talking since April. Things can’t just be normal after not talking for that long. He seemed unfazed and still wanting to drive me home. I woke up soon after that.

The kind of dream where nothing really astute happens, but it’s very obvious that my hang ups are about not getting closure on our friendship. There is still love I have for him. The dreams I have about him these days have the same themes. We’re in the same area and he doesn’t notice me so I try to slip out of the area. He notices me then and tries to talk to me or confess something. My reaction is always apprehension because he just wants to jump straight into some new relationship (friends again or more) but I still need closure.

I miss him. Deeply. I wish I could know he’s doing well. I wish he would let me support him from afar (his Instagram is silent. He was never active much). I feel lame for these feelings.

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fh headcanon #2: Gorgug uses he/they pronouns. he's not quite sure how to describe his gender, but 'nonbinary guy' comes close

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The feels legit tbh 🤷‍♀️

~Alice 🌌

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why do hoodies feel enchanted when they belong to someone you like?

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On a separate note, I made my mom cry tonight. We had this lovely weekend together. Sang, laughed, shared stories, drove a mustang, tasted some wine, had some good grub, toured some familiar and new spots. Overall really great. The minute we get home, she pours herself this huge glass of wine. She’s tipsy after it and two cocktails later she’s teetering between tipsy and drunk

That version of my mom is by far my least favorite person. She’s over the top obnoxious and there’s no reasoning with her. Did that stop me from trying to reason with her? No. Stupid.

She neglected to remind me that a baking project needed to be completed tonight so she could take it to work tomorrow. Like a toddler telling their parent about a project the night before, she told me this at 9:40 pm. She wanted cake pops, which require freezing in between each step to help keep everything together. To get everything done right and to improve upon the last time I made them, I knew this process was going to be long. And I knew she wanted to help because she could tell I wasn’t jazzed about now staying up late to finish it.

If she wasn’t drunk, I think her helping would’ve been fine. If her being drunk wasn’t such a big trigger for me, if I knew how to let her be and not be angry, I think we would’ve been fine. Instead, I called her in to help on a step that was simple and would have been insulting to her intelligence if she was sober. That’s my fault. There was no need for her help. After our fight she left and I did it fine all by myself. There was really no need to ask for help. But I invited a trigger in my space and then I didn’t have the ability to keep myself in check.

I told her “I’m gonna dip the stick in chocolate and hand it to you.” The next part was to the effect of don’t put it down right away because it’ll dry weird. I hand her one and she holds it for a second, then smushed it down on the parchment paper. The chocolate spreads out just like I didn’t want. I stop her and say something like “They can’t smoosh like that. You gotta hold ‘em longer so they don’t spread too much.” Then she starts with the I don’t understands and the you never said that’s how you want its. I’m immediately frustrated because something didn’t go like I planned, but also, if her brain wasn’t so slowed down, I don’t think we would be having that problem. And she’s telling me that I didn’t say the things that I know I said.

She tells me all the time that i can say what I need to say. We had a conversation once where I said I get so frustrated when you’re drunk and you ask me over and over “am I bothering you, am I making you upset, what am I doing that’s bothering you” all under the guise of trying to grow and not do that stuff anymore. I told her then, though, that when she’s drunk, she does not have the capacity to remember the things that are hurting me or stressing me out. So she said to address the situation and we’ll circle back to it the best we can. So tonight. She’s stressing me the fuck out. I can feel the frustration boiling into anger and I say, “can I be real? I think you’re a little too tipsy to take directions right now. And I don’t want to continue down this path and be angry over cake pops. I asked you for help with this part but I think I’ll be able to do it by myself. Please leave my kitchen and I’ll finish up these pops for you”

She agrees that she’s probably tipsy and then she’s like can I say something? And I go yeah sure. She’s like you didnt specify the directions. I don’t know what to do or how to help. I don’t understand what you want because you didn’t tell me. And I KNOW that I did so then I say “mom I did. I said (read above paragraph) and then two days ago I said that my overall plan was to get the chocolate on the stick before poking the pops and I said that again last week after I finished the first cake pop experiment” she goes can I say something else remember how we talked about how you get upset when things don’t go according to plan you’re getting upset but I don’t understand what you want so I can’t help and it messes up your plans.

I can’t fucking believe that we’re still trying to have a logical conversation when SHE AGREED EARLIER THAT SHE PROBABLY IS TOO TIPSY. Stress and frustration heighten, and I feel like I’m going to explode. I have no way to control it and she didn’t leave earlier when I asked so I feel trapped with my emotions. Tears well up and I raise my voice I know I said “I’m so frustrated.” And then the memory is fuzzy. I know I said something about how stupid it was that tears were happening. I know I was totally losing control to the emotion monster. She asks what can I do and I say, because I’m at the height of my stress and frustration ��please just leave me alone leave me alone to do this please”

She picks up her phone and leaves. Immediately the stress and frustration are gone. I no longer feel trapped. I feel stupidly embarrassed because my sister was there to see that whole thing And me being so childish. Sister gets up to leave and then it’s just me in the kitchen. A few minutes later I’m in the front room waiting for a cooling break to be done when I hear squeaks. Coming from down the hall.

My mom doesn’t cry often. Usually she cries after alcohol, and they’re big waterworks moments. Squeaking and distorted faces, the whole nine yards. No one taught her how to regulate emotions either. So I hear her crying from the living room. I creep down the hall to make sure it is her crying and not our dog stuck somewhere. And I think I hear my sister talking to her. So now I feel terrible for not being able to control my emotion monster and hurting my moms feelings. But I’m also angry that she “gets to” be the victim in this story.

I really wish I had a therapist to give me clarity on what the fuck happened. And what I did that I can not do anymore. I’m so fucking tired of being emotionally stunted. It makes moments like these so hard. I don’t know what I need to apologize for. I only want to apologize for my part, but I can’t tell for sure what is and is not me. I know I’m going to have to deal with this all tomorrow and it’s going to suck ass. Mom may still be mad at me and treating me to a 3 day cold shoulder like I did a few weeks ago to her. Who knows. I don’t. All I know is I’m fucking tired and my back hurts like hell.

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Early September, had another date. It’s been two weeks since I think? We’d been talking for what seems like a month. He is going to make a great boyfriend, just not to me. I didn’t feel a spark, but I don’t know that sparks exist, so I don’t let the thought of them lead me. He said he didn’t feel a spark so didn’t want to continue. He’s really cool so I was open to at least friendship. But he was like thanks for understanding and have a nice life. So I deleted our text messages and unmatched him. I never added his number to my phone so I didn’t have to do that. I don’t add their numbers anymore. I’ll know it’s serious if I add his contact to my app. This one hurt too. I thought the last one hurt a lot, but this one hurt more. Think…forming zit pain. You’re fine until you touch it, then it’s a quick moment of stinging pain and you’re fine again. The last one was more of a “this is stupid” pain.

The likes on my profile have gone up again. I don’t really know why. Am I stupid for thinking sometime it’ll be different? I feel like I should shut up and sit down for a while. Stop looking to see who’s out there. Maybe I’m not as good with being alone as I thought. Making leaving the app difficult. I don’t know. I wish it didn’t have to be this hard for me or for anyone. I always liked the concept of arranged partnership in books, but they have to add some conflict so the book is interesting and they always choose the route of “what if your partner doesn’t like you and now you’re a single outcast” - can we just have a predestined partner storyline that isn’t majorly fucked up but some divergent adjacent?

I say all this as I’m literally snapchatting (I know) another guy. I’m feel like I’m keeping my thoughts under control about him. It helps he wanted to move to Snapchat 🤢 he seems like he’s only giving me superficial. I don’t know how to navigate into not superficial. He’s also very go with the flow and it kinda messes with me sometime. He’s maybe a little sexist and racist? I can’t tell if I’m being sensitive or if he’s really those things. All of that and I should know that the best idea would probably be to shut it down but fuck it. I enjoy the attention. And someone actually reaching out to me consistently and daily.

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Now it’s Friday (okay it’s 1:30 am on Saturday, but I haven’t gone to bed yet so technically still Friday) and still no word. My brain is comforting me by telling me it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Telling me to be relieved that it’s not working out because if we met outside of the app I would’ve never said hello, because we’re in different circles, blah blah blah. I wish I could stop the sentence in my head before I finish it making myself fee better. “It sucks that he’s not responding because I really liked talking to him” PERIOD. my brain continues saying “but you weren’t that into him. You could tell it wasn’t a good match. Just get up and move on already” I even need to tell myself to be consoling rather than a fixer.

To make matters worse, I’ve gotten no new likes on my profile. It finally started to plateau. I’m not seeing more people like me when I opened the app. I knew I shouldn’t have spent the money on it. “Just for a little bit” yea right. Stupid. Listen to the advice you give your friends jfc. You don’t need outside validation.

Went on a date yesterday. It went well. I had a gun time. He seemed like he had fun too. But I can’t know what someone else is really thinking. I reached out today and mentioned something from our date. No response yet. He also said he’s not a strong tester. So idk. Kinda feeling blah about it. Like I’d like to go again, but I kind already feel myself pulling away and detaching from the attraction so if (when) he says he’s not feeling relationship, it won’t “hurt as bad”

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Went on a date yesterday. It went well. I had a gun time. He seemed like he had fun too. But I can’t know what someone else is really thinking. I reached out today and mentioned something from our date. No response yet. He also said he’s not a strong tester. So idk. Kinda feeling blah about it. Like I’d like to go again, but I kind already feel myself pulling away and detaching from the attraction so if (when) he says he’s not feeling relationship, it won’t “hurt as bad”

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nothing but respect for MY spider man!!!!

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Matilda (1996) dir. Danny DeVito

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early homo sapiens b like help i cant stop making bowls . help i cant stop domesticating plants and animals. help i cant stop developing language and architecture and religion

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The amount of serotonin it gave me to watch this grandma react to her new galaxy light 🥺

It’s dark in here- *gasps in excitement* OHH SARAH!

OHH SARAH! *giggles like a little kid* OHhHhH!!

My ceiling is filled with blue lights… and stars and everything!!

OH Sarah! I can go to bed at night looking at this. OHHHH it’s beautiful!

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Bugs Bunny could singlehandedly defeat Thanos by dressing up as a TSA agent and setting up a metal detector in the middle of the battlefield saying that all metal objects must be removed if you want to pass on through now stick around for my 2,000 word essay on just how effectively he would convince The Mad Titan to comply

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i??????? sksjsbzvsvshdhsbdb

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ever since i came across a video that said that fat people are mistaken for older than their true ages all the time bc people associate fatness with older ages, i have changed as a person.

one of my favorite stories a long term crush/love told me was of when he first met me. we were in 6th grade orientation, playing a bonding game with a group. he mistook me for a teacher. i assumed it was bc i just didn’t act like a kid (multiple people have been surprised by my actual age bc of how respectfulness chill i acted around adults (youngest in my whole family by a big margin, acting older is a survival too, yall)).

the first time i heard that story, i was flustered bc i thought that it meant that he must “greatly esteem” me. like i said, it became one of my fave stories.

it hurt coming across that video bc it was like one more thing that is related to my body. i just want to live my life without having constant reminders of the factors outside of me. anyway. i have to work through it & it’s gonna take time.