catalystconversations

[catalystconversations]

I deserve better.

[catalystconversations]

9/24/22

1am: Been feeling weird and anxious af over the last day. Stomach feels misplaced. Empty? Numb? I should meditate tomorrow. Maybe start prioritizing my sleep. And eating more than edibles. Can’t help but ask what’s wrong with me? What’s happening to me? Like nothing.. but something. Deep breaths…… I’ll be okay

[catalystconversations]

Look, I'm not an expert or a professional.. I don't even have a degree. I don't claim to have it all figured out; I rarely finish books; and I most certainly do still experience darkness.

I am someone whose gone through some pretty shitty shit and is proactively healing through conversations with empathetic people.

For the last couple of years, I've been nourishing this idea that we, as humans, truly begin to heal when we start to share our vulnerabilities and connect with other humans who share their vulnerabilities.

Now this may sound so odd and strange to you - trust me, I know. But I know this idea has value because, like I said, I am proactively experiencing it.

I have hid away my darkest experiences nearly my entire life. Seriously; I was 24 when I opened up about many of my childhood truths. (Shoutout to Inge. We miss you.)

My goal was to keep shit to myself, as to not cause further suffering to those experiencing shit around me too. I probably don't need to tell you how many emotional outbursts that led up to.

What I'm saying is, I refused to open myself up and that never seemed to make me feel any better (or be any better). It wasn't until I started talking and processing that I could actually see and breathe better - hello nervous system regulation.

So look, when we shine light on the shit we went through, we start to bring awareness to it; we gain and are able to offer tools and resources to support other people; and we start to plant lil seeds of love in many places to prevent violence from growing in our systems.

If we've been friends for awhile, you might already be familiar with Catalyst Conversations - this lil space here of love and health. It used to be a website with blog posts and a place to shop photography prints. Now, we're here. Emphasizing stories. And if you have a story you want to shine light on, this is your space too. Anonymously or not.

Sending you love, sweet friend. As always, I'm honored to share this space with you.

Lex

[catalystconversations]

Where am I?

I put off writing because I could never figure out how to piece together the “Intro of Alexus Raquel.” As if I am a perfectly understood subject that can be eloquently and chronologically written.

“Where do I start?” - me @ my therapist

Where do I start to unravel the pivotal and delicate pieces of my story that describe who I am? The pieces of me I have dissociated from for so long. Morbidly, I ask, “do I start at my dead dad? Or with my abusive ex-fiancé? I can also touch on sexual abuse and incest, but that seems too graphic to lead with.”

As understanding as my therapist can be, she assures me, there is no “best place” to start. Her advice: Start where you are.

Okay. Well, let’s see.. where am I?

I am 6 weeks into therapy. Living in a safe and loving environment. Identifying and executing smaller steps to achieve my goals. New to dog walking and optimistic about independent money making opportunities in the near future. And looking for new ways to empower myself.

I am in an in-between space of trauma and health. Practicing boundaries. Extending compassion to myself during outbursts. Challenging my social anxiety. And celebrating 35 days of meditation (which I need to get back to).

I am trying. I am in a trying state of nurturing the neglected little girl that still lives on inside of me. And we are getting better.

This is where I am: in transition. In that space between waves. Just as the flower is about to bloom. Or right before the butterfly grows from it’s cocoon.

I am alive and I am growing into something more beautiful.

12/10/21