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Haunted By Ghosts - HowĀ āSister Citiesā Helped Me Come to Terms With Acceptance
Death is, unfortunately, pretty inevitable.
Iām the kind of person who will do whatever I can to deal with it when it happens rather than dwelling on it. I donāt handle it well regardless of what kind of form Iām facing it in; all cinemas in a five mile radius of Cannock can tell you what kind of state I was in by the end ofĀ Avengers: Endgame.Ā However, if youāre reading this, more likely than not you understand what itās like to hit the stage where you wake up and someone you care about just isnāt here any more, and thereās nothing you can do. Itās a stage which I hate being in because I donāt know how to deal with it - should I be sad? Angry? Was there something more I could have done? Was there more I should have said? And so on.
Just over two years ago, I lost someone close to me. I was in the hospital with her with my family when they passed, and being there for that moment is something that will stay with me forever. One moment they were lying in the hospital bed across from me, and by the time I had drawn my next breath they had gone. It was a bizarre experience for all the wrong reasons; Iād encountered death before and I knew it was hard, but Iād never been in the room to witness it happen. This was something weād know about for about a year, something Iād constantly been telling myself Iād been braced for - but the reality was I was when I thought I was braced, I was merely driving pretending I was wearing a seat belt. I remember some moments unfortunately vividly, like sitting outside the room afterwards trying to process everything that had happened, or climbing onto the roof with my cousin and just sitting there with him. I also remember driving home with my Mom, andĀ I PromiseĀ by Radiohead coming on the radio, and the opening lineĀ āI wonāt run away no more, I promiseāĀ felt like a sign from above telling me everything would be okay - even now I look back at that moment and feel like something was guiding me to that song, and I used it to help me through the healing process. Yet for months, I couldnāt shift it all from my head. I felt l was doing the opposite to what Yorke had sang at me those nights ago - I was running away from how I felt and I couldnāt address it because I didnāt know how, and I felt myself sinking lower and lower from a year that in a rain that started in January and left me drenched through December and into the new year.
April 2018 was where for the first time I started addressing it to myself. In the mail arrived my copy ofĀ Sister Cities, the new (at the time) album by one of my all time favourite bands, The Wonder Years. Every album Iāve loved of theirs, but thereās major change with every iteration.Ā
The opening track of each album shows a shift, both lyrically and musically. Their first album,Ā The Upsides, is one big generic pop-punk cluster (and I donāt mean that in a bad way, the album is amazing) - yet from the get go, the lyrical mastery of Dan Campbell is prevalent. TheĀ āIām not sad any more, Iām just tired of this placeā opening line of āMy Last SemesterāĀ carries all the way to the final track of the album, showing the world that by digging through the pop-punk riffs and humorous lyrics about feeling socially awkward at parties, thereās depth to be found at the bottom.Ā
(For the record, Iām aware thatĀ Get Stoked On It!Ā isĀ technicallyĀ their first album, but considering the band donāt play any of the songs live and have actively said they hate it, for the purpose of this Iām choosing to ignore it.)
āCame Out SwingingāĀ opens up second (third?) albumĀ Suburbia Iāve Given You All and Now Iām NothingĀ with Allen Ginsberg reading an excerpt from one of his poems, before bursting into an outlook onto the bandās life after touring through the first (second? I swear Iāll stop doing this nowā¦) album. I get a sense that in this album, the band seem to have carried the torch ofĀ The UpsidesĀ on - yet somehow, differently. Change is inevitable, but rather than it seeming like a stranger knocking at your door, the change of style sweeps in like your best friend coming over for a cup of tea.Ā The Greatest GenerationĀ indicates it with a genuine sincerity from Dan singingĀ āIām sorry I donāt laugh at the right timesā during opening trackĀ āThere, Thereā. The openness continues not only through this album but into the next, withĀ āCardinalsāĀ seeming more like a confessional of not helping a friend in need than an opener toĀ No Closer to Heaven. However, their (at this moment in time) most recent album that resonated me most over their five (six? Okay, Iām serious now.) album run that spoke to me intensely personally. This album didnāt just impact me because of the lyrical themes, but because to me it felt like in the time Iād spent listening to the band, Iād grown and evolved as a person alongside the band.
I didnāt know what to expect from this album - I never do when I listen to their music for the first time, but listening to the two songs theyād released before the album dropped, theĀ title trackĀ andĀ Pyramids of Salt, gave me indication this wasnāt something I could anticipate like Iād done it a million times before. Itās like theyād shed their pop-punk cocoon and become an atmospheric, alternative rock being unlike what Iād heard from them previously.
Album openerĀ Raining in KyotoĀ instantly refers to Campbellās grief of losing a loved one while on tour and about his guilt for not being around for the funeral. The lines āItās been over a year now, April turns into May/Iāve barely stopped moving, Iāve been so fucking afraid/Too much of a coward to even visit your graveā hit me like a ton of bricks, as much did the rest of the album to come. I even felt deep relation the choruses where he mentions sitting in hospital beside the person in question, as it took me back to the months weād been visiting where I wished we could just take her home and everything would somehow be okay. Listening through, the way I personally interpreted the album was Campbell running away from grief while going around the world, and by the end of the album coming home and coming to terms with everything - not letting go, but forgiving yourself of blame. Even months, years even, after these events, I still read the lyrics to the songs on this album and find new meaning to them. I remember being so lost I was walking around my neighbourhood at 3am, andĀ āWe Look Like Lightningā came on and I just understood - I felt likeĀ āthe stranger in my bedā, yet all of a sudden it was like everything made sense, and soon after I went home. I felt the weight of āThe Ghosts of Right NowāĀ and āPyramids of SaltāĀ -Ā the lyricsĀ āI wanna take you somewhere safer/Pull your pain out with my teethā from the former and āIām helpess/And youāre drowning/And Iām beating at the water here so desperatelyā from the latterĀ reminded of everything weād known was coming, everything I wish I could have done but everything Iād chosen to push to the back of my mind about due to fear and denial.
The whole album is a journey of grief and acceptance, and although I thank every song as a whole for helping me through the process, closing track āThe Ocean Grew Hands to Hold Meā was my crutch for most of my healing. It was like Iād been looking for someone to blame for a long time, and I used to blame God a lot for not answering any prayers Iād given during the longest night of my life, and it was like Campbell felt the same. Even down to the the little things, like the lyricĀ āI came to numb my lungs in the salt airā reminding me of sitting on the hospital roof with my cousin. I remember crying when I heard the lyricsĀ āIāll hold you with my left hand and ball up my right/And if the bastards come for the both of us, Iāll be right there by your side/Iām by your sideā for the first time (and almost every subsequent time after that) because I felt like when we were there just as the moment came, looking after who we lost. As the song wrapped up and my first of what feels like thousands of listens of the album came to an end, I remember sitting in silence for a moment and absorbing what Iād just heard. I listened constantly for the next few weeks and the album inspired me to come to terms with what had happened almost a year before and to carry the torch for who weād lost. Now, every time I listen to this album I feel a sense of reflection - that I can feel who Iāve lost looking down and telling me that itās okay to carry on.
Grief is hard to get through, but having things to keep you going helps you focus on the here and now. I couldnāt ever thank The Wonder Years enough for releasingĀ Sister CitiesĀ when they did, and I donāt know what Iād have done without it. I would like to thank my friends and family for helping me through one of the roughest 8 months of my life, even if they didnāt know it. If you made it through thisĀ ālittleā piece (which turned into me basically gushing about the album), then thanks for coming on this journey with me and listening to what I had to say. Finally, I want to say thanks to my Nan, whoās courage and strength I I will forever admire and hopefully one day be able to achieve.
Death may be one hell of a hurdle to overcome, but the memories you make with the people you love keep them alive forever.

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