catertochemicals-blog

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3/27

So it’s Monday and I haven’t written anything in what feels like a really long time. The month of March is flying by, like it always does. I feel like this time of year is so painfully short and sweet. 

Last week at work was really busy and I felt good and productive and like I really might have been getting the hang of things. Since I wrote last, I’ve really felt like I’ve been having more positive thoughts about myself than negative, and I think that I’ve channeled my anxiety and depression in a useful way or in any way at all that has resulted in my negative intrusive thoughts about myself minimizing a bit. It feels really good to be in this space. I’m melancholy, of course, because I’m always melancholy, but I’m not riddled with worry or anxiousness about how I’m behaving or the things I’m saying. It’s a very freeing feeling, having room for thoughts other than self-destructive ones. 

Like I said, life has been chugging along a quite a pace. The last time I wrote, I know C & J were in town. We had a great week, although maybe a little strange because there was a decent amount of pot smoked and both J and I worked the full week. The best day was Thursday, though, because I took a sick day and we rode up Chapman and hammocked all day on the side of this vast enormous mountain with this insane view and tripped on LSD together. The ride down the mountain was extremely intense, as we were peaking. It was one of those moments I knew I will remember for the rest of my life, and a moment that I know that on my deathbed I will look back on and say, “I really lived. I grabbed life by the shoulders and breathed it in, I flew, I screamed, I laughed, I sobbed, I was utterly fucking terrified, but I lived at a breakneck pace and I lived hard.”

After we rode down we weren’t ready to go inside so we laid in the dog park and talked and laughed and looked at all the dogs being goofy. We ordered Ali Baba (the best) and hung around in the apartment and just enjoyed each others company. It was one of the most refreshing days. And in some way, I thin that the LSD does help curb my anxiety and depression. I think of it almost as an antidote. My symptoms had really been ramping up and now they’re ebbing. I want to google it and do some research to see if there’s any validity to this or if its just a placebo effect. Either way, I’m happy about it because feeling normal and sane feels REALLY good.

So last weekend was really cool because it was tame and grown up and fun. Friday night, J and I went over to J&A’s for a game night, and two other older couples showed up as well and were really unique and nice people. We drank beers and some gin and tonics and played scattergories and this Cyanide and Happiness game that I didn’t care about but it felt good to just be with other nice people. We rode our bikes home and went to bed and the whole night just was peaceful and without incident. Saturday, MT came to town. Our plan was to do a ride and then have a cookout with everyone, so I spent the morning making German potato salad. He brought brats that he had hand made himself, homemade mustard and mayo and pickled peppers and buns, the works. He also brought me an espresso machine that I’m completely enamored with but don’t entirely know how to use yet. He sort of showed me but I’m slightly intimidated. Also it takes a little while so I feel like I’ll only use it on weekends... But STILL!! What a treat. It was the best surprise. I love it. So he got to town and J was mountain biking in fort collins with TPC guys and MT ended up going up Flagstaff and down Chapman and finishing like 3 entire hours before anyone else. We changed and freshened up and had some espresso and ate brats and drank Bud Lights and talked to each other and goofed around. J came back, and G and A and A*. We all ate and listened to music and talked about bikes and stuff. Then we went to Rayback and had a beer and I had some ice cream. We shot the shit and went home. MT stayed over and we watched some cool freestyle rap videos. In the morning, we got coffee at Boxcar and had some breakfast at Whole Foods. MT left around noon when J left for work. I went to Target for a casette-to-aux cord thing but totally forgot that, and ended up with a new romper and some shorts and new underwear and lighters and some potting soil. I tried to re-pot my plant but it was a goddamn mess and a total lost cause. Oh well.

We had thought that B was going to come into town but typical her, she couldn’t stick to her non-plan and she purposefully missed two flights. J and I have been talking for like 12 hours over what we should do about her. She’s very obviously going through some kind of manic episode and is really kind of going insane and needs help. It seems like J has a plan, with the help of her sister. Calling B’s mom and stuff. It’s really cool of her and I feel super bad because I have absolutely no idea what to do other than try to be supportive for J. She’s been having mad anxiety about this whole thing too just because of the unpredictability of all of it. Luckily on Tuesday she’s having her first therapy session and I’m really excited for her and relieved that she’s looking into it. It helped me quite a lot and I feel like anyone could benefit from going. 

[catertochemicals-blog]

[Drawing of a green cat saying “It’s okay to show yourself the same kindness and understanding you show others. You’re worthy of kindness too.” in a pink speech bubble on a blue background.]

[catertochemicals-blog]

[Drawing of a brown pig saying “I’ll make it.” in a blue speech bubble.]

[catertochemicals-blog]

Stand up

So I get accidentally super drunk a lot sometimes and I always stress so much about it after the fact. Do any of you guys do that? Just ruminate and ruminate and beat yourself up over being a jackass or being annoying or whatever. For me it’s not so much being loud or sloppy or obnoxious, it’s just my fucking conversation topics of choice are always so morbid. Like last night, I ate my friends entire baguette while literally babbling on nonstop about the intricacies of the Jonbenet Ramsey case and all the ineptitude of the local police, but I was super drunk and also texting and shoving bread in my mouth so the whole thing was basically me just sort of bursting out “THE RANSOM NOTE WAS THREE PAGES LONG AND THEY FOUND THE PAD AND PAPER BELONGED TO THE MOM... PATSY RAMSEY.” Then I’d go back to texting and then try to pull the threads of thought together... MK ULTRA mother-daughter.... The Fat Cats child sex trafficking ring run by POLITICIANS Meanwhile my friend is just staring wide-eyed with no fucking clue how I got there or what I was talking about. When I called my mom the next morning so mortified for being such a nuisance I was trying to explain to her how bad my anxiety has been lately. I told her “Yeah I’ve just been in a really morbid place lately” and she goes, “yeah you don’t say.” We laughed so fucking hard over that. 

[catertochemicals-blog]

3/13

I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything.. Last week was fucking terrible and just a nightmare disaster of a work week with lots of crying and feeling incompetent as fuck so I wasn’t entirely in the mood to write all that down. I guess I can sum it up here: made a mildly small mistake, did what I could to fix it by emailing someone higher up who could help. She didn’t get back to me. Even higher up dude finds out that the piece I mistakenly routed was in limbo in the software and tore me a new one about how I don’t know how to do my job and I should have reached out to someone. I cried and felt like an idiot. Also made some fun mistakes on DAA which I realize now I just straight up don’t know how to do. I hate sucking! It’s such a chore to have all these negative thoughts about myself all day long, feeling so clueless and helpless and useless in this position. I really don’t know what to do at all, I’m completely lost and not sure I belong here. But I’m also the brokest I’ve ever been and can’t just like, quit and find something else to do. I need an easier job? Or to be less fucking stupid: one of the two. Sorry I’m always writing full of self-loathing but the loathing is real and I can’t shake it. I don’t know what to do about it.

As far as the sober week goes, it felt good to do and I felt totally in control. I ended up drinking on Thursday night for a happy hour thing and then throughout the weekend but it was all fine and good. No issues yay. On the 4th I went mountain biking in Erie with a group of friends and it was the best day of mountain biking of my life and it felt so good.  This past Friday I went to Denver with J and went out to a mezcal bar and then Milk and we had such a fun wholesome time getting white girl wasted together. It was so cathartic just being with an old girl friend and hashing out all the details of our presumed failures an building each other up and encouraging one another that we’re okay. We got some breakfast together Saturday and I drove back to Boulder to clean and stuff. C & J got in Saturday night and we picked them up from the airport and got some Mexican takeout and had some drinks and chilled at our apartment. Sunday we drove up Flagstaff and then rode bikes to do some thriftstore shopping and J and I got cute matching tshirts and I got a really pretty blue blouse that I’m wearing right now. When J got off of work around 2, we got ready and went for a hike up the first flatiron. It was actually the best hike I’d ever been on, as usually I hate hiking but I actually really had a good time on this one. It was really fun being outside with them and it was a really pretty day out. We went to Backcountry after for a beer and some pizza then went home and showered and chilled. Our chromecast and internet have completely just punked out for some reason which is extremely annoying, so hopefully we can sort that out. Today I’m at work and they’re going to go explore and have breakfast and stuff together. I can’t wait to bet out of here so I can hangout with them. They’re staying the full week and aren’t leaving til Saturday so that’s pretty dope, it’ll be a fun week and hopefully the work part goes by really quickly.

[catertochemicals-blog]

It’s been a minute

Hi there, it’s Monday. I didn’t write at all last week. We had a 3 day weekend for President’s Day and that was a good time, then L and A got into town Wednesday night. We drank French 75′s and rode to Rayback and had a fun time eating hot dogs and hanging out by the fire pit. I worked on Thursday but left early and me and J went to the airport to pick up C and her boyfriend A. We drove straight to Vail and got to A’s cabin around 10. We had some champagne and told stories and it was so warm and fuzzy being with everyone. We went to bed and woke up early on Friday morning to go ski. It was the absolute best ski day of my life. We were out with J, J, A, C, A, and M. L and S took a beginners ski class and I’m super glad I didn’t decided to do that because we had such a blast all together and the snow was amazing. Afterwards we went to a bar and listened to live music and then went home and got in the hot tub and hung out. I was super tired and went to bed at like 9pm. Saturday we started the day with waffles and mimosas and we chilled on the couch and they boys played GTA. We went into Vail Village in the afternoon and everything got super wild. We drank at Garfinkles and I did a shot and knew then and there the day was going to be insane. I don’t remember a ton after Garfinkles but I know we rode the Gondola up to the top, smoked a joint in the Gondola, took tequila shots at a bar at the top and tried to take a group picture that turned out really badly. We rode back down then went to Los Amigos for dinner and at that point I was 100% wrecked. M and I talked about our dads (?) and we took a cab home. We got home and blasted music and had a dance party and I fell asleep around 10. I do feel relieved though because I was initially worried and stressed that J and I would get into a terrible fight like we did last year but luckily I was chill and everyone was nice and I don’t think I did anything embarrassing.

Which leads me to today-- Sunday we drove home and it was okay but J did start laying into me about gas/car washes or whatever and I got an attitude because I don’t like to fight. I tried to deescalate by just laughing it off and teasing but it boiled up to him calling me a bitch. Of course I started crying and he freaked out because he knew he had crossed the line and we spent the evening with me having hurt feelings and him trying to make it better. I woke up this morning and decided that my drinking habits need to truly be turned around as well as my eating habits. I already go to the gym and love it but honestly I feel like the person I become when I drink is someone who makes me nervous and anxious when I’m sober and it makes me sad that I’m putting my friendships into potential harm by not knowing whether I’ll be nice or mean when I’m drinking. It’s funny because I’ve always known in the back of my mind that this time would come when I’d need to pump the brakes and I’m always hyper-aware of my habits and tendencies because of my parents. I’m going to try to go two weeks without drinking and check back in. Maybe I’ll re-introduce it into my life if I feel comfortable but even when I do that I want to cut back and only have a max of 3 drinks per outing/sitting/whatever. 

Today I went to the store and got some yogurt and cereal and strawberries and some almond milk for my oatmeal as well as some hummus and a bell pepper and a cucumber and some cheese sticks. I feel like if I make this concerted effort to not eat like garbage I’ll stop feeling like garbage about myself. I really need to introspect and maybe quiet down a bit and just lay low. Laying low sounds so nice right now, I can’t wait to give it more time and practice. I’m going to the gym tonight, and as I mentioned here when I first started, I’m proud of myself for sticking to it. I am enjoying it and I feel like I am making improvements and the workouts don’t kick my ass quite as badly as they used to. I’m hoping to see big changes now that I’m going to be sticking to a healthier diet as well and I think cutting back on alcohol will really jumpstart those changes. I hope to be able to report back with successes in coming entries. Wish me luck.

[catertochemicals-blog]

Wrapped up the pizza in foil, poured the limes down the sink

How do you stop feeling like shit after a night of drinking with friends??? I feel like I am a truly nice and genuinely kind person, but I have such a penchant for sarcasm and I think I’m kind of an asshole sometimes when I’m drunk. I say things meaning to be funny and sometimes they land and sometimes they don’t and when they don’t I beat myself up over it all day the next day and that’s exactly what I’m doing right now and I feel like boiled shit. I just really wish that I could be through-and-through nice and pleasant and never rude. That would probably mean just not drinking at all.

Last night, N and his girlfriend from California got into town and I picked them up at the Cup and we grabbed J from a bar and all went back to our apartment. It was very fun and cozy having them there and L played with Mookie and it was very cute. We were drinking whiskey and ginger ales and listening to Flaming Lips records and just chatting and laughing. I guess the more I think about it, the things I said weren’t that bad just a little awkward. I drank more than they did and that was my mistake. I should have just had one or two. Not four. Jesus. 

Anyways, despite me not being the absolute coolest, I think everyone still had a good time and we all went to bed at like 9:00 because they were really tired from traveling and stuff. I know I wasn’t too terrible because I set them up with wifi stuff and cable logins and warned them about the hemerrhoid wipes in our bathroom and made jokes about them and I think they laughed. I put away the pizza in tin foil and tossed all the limes from the drinks in the garbage disposal and generally cleaned up because I am my mom.  I really regret being so callous and sarcastic. God this feeling fucking sucks.

J is being nice about it though and telling me I didn’t do anything wrong and that I wasn’t mean and that I need to stop beating myself up. Lesson learned for .25 seconds. 

Today is Friday and I don’t have any work to do yet so I’m just sitting here... R is out of the office today so we will definitely be heading out early aaaaaaaaaaand hopefully by the time that rolls around I’ll feel less like shit about myself and everyone will have forgotten. :)

[catertochemicals-blog]

Life Update

Whoops it’s been an entire week since I wrote anything down! My bad. Last week I was busy actually working here. Monday I went to the gym and hung out at home. Tuesday (2/7) I drove to Denver after work to see J because her “boyfriend”/married dude who I do not like or care for had just left from coming for a visit. We chatted on her couch and walked down the street and had some drinks and ate burgers and it felt perfect. I love having her out here, it felt like a therapy session. Wednesday night I went to the gym again and I think just stayed home, Thursday I’m pretty sure I did nothing as well. Friday night, I picked up Mookie!! I had seen her on Wednesday when I was at the store getting a heating pad for Lucy and I thought she was so cute and sweet. I couldn’t stop thinking about her for some reason, so Thursday on my lunch break I went over to the Pet store and applied to adopt her. Someone had already applied for her so I didn’t think I would end up actually getting her, but they called me at 4:45 Thursday evening and told me she was all mine. I made arrangements to go pick her up the next day after work. I didn’t tell J I had done this and I was worried he would be mad but I was also super excited. J&C sent cute pics of J*’s cat, and J whispered, “I want a cat...” At that moment I decided I could tell him. He was super excited to meet her. Friday at lunch, I went and bought everything she would need. After work, I raced over to get her and drove her home. She is soooo cute and so perfect and such a sweet little bug. I spent all of Friday night cuddling with her at home and playing with her, and J went out and stayed out super late. Saturday, I cleaned the apartment and drove into Broomfield to return the crate I’d borrowed. I spent the afternoon reading and napping with Mookie and it was so cute and perfect and relaxing. We stayed in Saturday night and ate frozen Chinese food and watched “When Harry Met Sally” which was actually a super cute movie. We were in bed by 10pm because we had to get up early for the bike race yesterday. So yesterday was Sunday, and we did the Old Man Winter Rally put on by Oskar Blues in Lyons. MT came over early in the morning, and A too. J and I were bickering as we always do over where all his bike gear is, etc etc. I hate fighting with him but he can be such an asshole sometimes. We got all our stuff ready and went out to the parking lot to see A and then MT arrived shortly after. I rode with him, and J and A rode together. Once we got there, we registered and ate breakfast burritos and then J & A started out for the 100k race. The 50k didn’t start for another two hours, so MT and I hung around and talked and laughed and goofed off. It was really fun. We started the ride together but he ended up going up ahead of me on a climb and after that I was alone for the whole race. It was nice but it was pretty long and by the 25th mile, my butt was super sore and I was ready to be done. I pulled across the finish line after 2 hours and 20 minutes or so. We hung around and drank beers and talked by the fire pits, then made our way to try to find dinner. Oskar Blues was too busy for us, so we went to a nearby pizza place and had some beer and pizza. Finally we left for home and I was so ready for a shower and hot bath and bed. I did all those things, took a shot of Nyquil, and was out cold. Mookie has this fun habit of crawling onto my pillow in the middle of the night to lick herself for like an hour so that was cool. She also serves as a nice alarm clock because at exactly 7am she’s hungry and comes looking for someone to give her food. This morning was such a slog, I’m so fucking tired from the weekend and that race. I kind of never want to do another bike race again.

I woke up and made coffee and ate mini bagels and sloppily got ready. I look absolutely terrible today and am basically wearing pajamas.  On my way out the door I spilled a full thermos of coffee and J got pissy and then Mookie escaped but luckily he scooped her up and got her. Tonight I’m going to skip the gym because I forgot to book a class and there’s a wait list/I’m pretty sore from yesterday’s ride. I think I’m going to make red velvet cheesecake brownies for a Valentine’s Day treat! I completely forgot about Valentine’s Day this year which is unlike me- usually it’s my favorite holiday :(

[catertochemicals-blog]

2/6/17

Life Updaaaaaaaaate.

It’s Monday and this workday has flown by because I was busy with actual work. Totally crazy, I know.

This weekend was pretty good, on Friday night I was feeling glum after work and bought some gin and a frozen pizza. M texted me and I was delighted, and I went over to her place while A and A and J went to Avery for beers. She and I had a great time watching Forensic Files and laughing and just being friends. It felt amazing. We met up with the guys at Outback, where they had more karaoke going on. It was fun, and she dropped me off at home. I still need to go get my bike and gin from their place, which I should probably do tonight after the gym...

Saturday I got up and cleaned the apartment and J went to go ride. He came back around noon and we got ready and left for IKEA. Finally!!! We had an awesome day there and got all kinds of great stuff for our place, and I finally feel like it is 100% perfect and put together. We spent the evening building all the furniture we had bought, and J got a little testy toward the end. We went out and accidentally went to a super fancy restaurant and split some of the most delicious lobster ravioli I’ve ever had and a huge baked potato. I talked to him about how insane he was acting and he really heard me and calmed down and was really nice and normal to me after that.

Yesterday was Sunday, the Super Bowl. I showered and got ready and ran errands getting food to make for snacks, like buffalo chicken dip and whatnot. I came home and made it, and watched some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. A came over and we tried to get the game on TV and it sort of worked. J came home from riding and we chilled and ate and I was super drunk off of budlight (sorry.) C came over too and it was fun to see her and catch up. We smoked a cigarette together outside and it was nice. I think everyone had a good time but I’m slightly worried (like usual) that I was a fucking weirdo and too drunk or something. I dunno. It’s impossible to say. Everyone left and I cleaned up and J and I watched an episode of Forensic Files and went to bed.

When I got up I felt yucky because I thought I was going to get yelled at today at work, but luckily I didn’t at all which was nice. I was busy working throughout the day and got myself tasty snacks for lunch because I’m on my period and feeling weird. Tonight, in an hour, I’m doing Orange Theory. Then hopefully getting my bike and going home to make hot dogs and chill with J.

[catertochemicals-blog]

Why does it feel like Friday so muuuuch

It’s Thursday, it’s 12:23, I’m out of work to do but I need to be billing hours so in a few minutes I’m going to reach out to C & R & D to see if they have anything for me to be doing. 

Last night, I went to the gym and then came home and showered and got ready really fast and J and I walked to Outback and hung out with A and A*. We drank beers and played shuffleboard and it was a really fun time. Karaoke started a little before 9, and A did his amazing Billy Ocean that always gets me super amped and giddy. Everyone was so good, it was amazing. J did a cute little song and I did the worst song ever and I wish they I had not been pressured to do it because I suck so terribly at karaoke and have no business up there, ever, at all, for any reason. I always bomb so incredibly hard. Oh well, everyone was in a good mood and it wasn’t embarrassing because I knew I wasn’t going to do well. Lesson learned though: never again. J was being SO adorable the whole night, grabbing me and kissing me and telling me that I looked beautiful. He made me feel so beautiful and smiley. When we got home, he followed me into the bathroom and just kept hugging me and laughing with me and it was so much fun. It was great being like that with him.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible, and the weather was so garbagey. I had done my hair last night so my hair looks good, but I didn’t put any makeup on today and I could not care any less. Tonight I’m meeting J at Rayback for happy hour with TPC people. 

[catertochemicals-blog]

1/31

What a long, dragging day it has been.

This morning was good again, and I’m really loving my new routine of waking up earlier and having a full mug of coffee. I feel like I look better when I don’t have to rush and the drive just goes more smoothly.

I got into work and S and I got a weird “talking to” because apparently we didn’t spend enough time on a proof the other day and everyone’s wondering if we’re being sloppy or billing wrong or something which is super frustrating because from the outset I have never once been anything other than perfectly 100% honest that I don’t have a lot of work to do. It should be no big “talking point” that I don’t bill a full 8 hours daily, I mean come on. Anyways, it felt like getting scolded for something we had no control over/no idea it was an issue and I got kind of frustrated over it. I ran out to grab some lunch supplies and called my mom and we had an amazing phone conversation. She basically explained it because she has so much experience being a big wig and billing hours that they have the money to spend on us and they want to be spending it rather than wasting it, so it’s best just to find some happy medium and over-bill rather than under-bill. We talked about how this weekend’s visit with J* went and the apartment and how M and her new boyfriend are already looking for places together in Cincy. It was a fucking awesome conversation and she felt like my best friend in the world in that moment and those are the moments I want all the time. That is literally all I ever want between us, is good stuff. She said she and my dad are planning on coming out here in July for my birthday which will be cool now that I have my own space to host them in and I just have had more time to understand this weird dynamic of our relationship now that I’ve moved away. Last time they came it hadn’t been long enough and I was just annoyed with them the whole time and this time I want to make a concerted effort to being completely cool with them 100% the whole time they’re here and really just making the most of it and being a good sport and a good host. Today’s call, however mundane, was really important to me and it felt really nice to have her to talk to and turn to for solid advice. She always knows.

I got back into work and hosted my little meeting that I do on Tuesdays and it went fine and only lasted 24 minutes. After that, I got some work to do from my coworkers and it made me feel good to have work come my way and to be able to do it well and complete it and have hours to bill today, especially after the conversation this morning. It’s like I’m proving myself that yes, I listen, I take criticism healthily and productively, even when I disagree. Not disagree, I guess, just don’t quite understand. Whatever, it’s over, I did well and turned it into a good work day and a good situation.

It’s 4:45 and I’m just trying to get through these last couple of minutes before I can go and live my real life. No gym tonight which is fun- I’m going to cook some zucchini noodles and make a nice dinner and have some wine and watch last night’s Bachelor episode and chill out at home.

Shit.. that didn’t take long enough to type. Help. 

[catertochemicals-blog]

Monday Funday

Just kidding, but I did have a really great morning. This weekend I got a french press and set my alarm 30 minutes earlier so that I could actually have time to make and drink coffee while I got ready and I wouldn’t be rushed and it turned out working amazingly and I had the most solid morning I’ve ever had. I was perfectly caffeinated, on time, and put-together-looking.

Once I got into work, I got really depressed researching and reading article after article about the travel ban/Muslim ban put in place by Donald Trump, who is a literal monster. I then started researching on what grounds can you impeach a president, and they seem like grounds that could be easily avoided and therefore something I can’t count on. Which makes my heart hurt and my stomach knot. This is extremely bad, and this “man” is a fucking disaster. 

I wish I knew what to do. I need to research ways to volunteer my time, because I donate to Planned Parenthood already and don’t have a ton of money to donate, and even if I did, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I hope that volunteering with some organization will help me feel like I’m pushing back in some way, or that I’m spending my time under this prison sentence of a presidency productively and for others that don’t have the privileges that I do.

On a happier note, this weekend was a great one and it felt really good to have a full two days dedicated to doing only what I wanted to do and it was awesome and restorative. Friday night J and I stayed home and I made cocktails that were way too tart. We watched “Dear Zachary” which made me sob my eyes out, it was so sad. We went to bed pretty early, and in the morning I lounged around and then worked out from 11-12. After working out, I came home and had lunch with J who had to work both days. I showered and got ready and watched TV, and then J* came over around 5:30. We drank wine and caught up on the couch with J and listened to music, then rode our bikes to Rayback for beers and some food. She told me that the abusive married dude from her old gym bought a ticket to Denver to come see her next weekend, and immediately J and I jumped in with a very cohesive argument/words of warning to her regarding this guy. He seems completely unhinged and manipulative, not to mention sort of abusive by encouraging her to “not get a job” once she got here so that she’d have to come back to Ohio and be near him. He kept her on the hook by using her whenever things in his marriage were rocky and she was always reliably there for him to fall back on. He’s finally now “getting a divorce” (air quotes because this guy is a fucking liar and has told her this before in the past to convince her to sleep with him) and I just don’t fucking trust him. If you end things with someone then move across the country, it is extremely weird and insane and unfeasible for them to immediately hop on a plane to chase you down. I’m really not into it, and frankly I’m very worried for her during this visit. I’m probably overreacting but I hope that he does not think anything good will come of this and I hope that she will end things once and for all and send this bitch packing. I know her siblings are already semi-aware of this dude and his impending visit, and I know they’re not jazzed on him either, so hopefully they’ll do a good job of looking out for her. I’ll probably be all in her business texting her next weekend for updates on things because I just genuinely want her to be safe and for him to go away.

After Rayback, I was pooped so we went home and went to bed. In the morning, she and J and I went to the Chatauqua dining hall for breakfast and had mimosas and salmon eggs benedict and had awesome conversation. I really missed her and it was really fun being with her again. Her brother and brother’s fiance were coming into Boulder to hike with her, so she left to go do that and J left for work. I went to Target and got us a vacuum cleaner and a microwave and a new towel, some candles, and the french press I mentioned earlier. I came home and cleaned really well which felt amazing and used the new vacuum and painted my nails and watched really dumb tv. J came home and we went to get ingredients for a stir fry that I made, with chicken and mushrooms and broccoli. It turned out tasty and we ate it and watched Forensic Files, which is super satisfying imo. 

Anyways, that leads into today and back to where I started in this post. At work, after reading the sad articles, I grabbed some lunch and have been listening to Last Podcast on the Left about the Children of God Cult and how insane and disgusting it all is/was. I’m really not doing wonders for my mental health today but I just can’t help but be fascinated by this crazy shit. Tonight after work, I’m going to the gym from 5:30-6:30 then heading home to do nothing. My early meeting tomorrow is cancelled which is super exciting cause that means I’ll get to sleep in :) 

[catertochemicals-blog]

Friyay

Hi we made it to Friday and it wasn’t even *that* painful and it didn’t even take *that* long. Last night’s team dinner went okay and then I went home and drank and watched Real Housewives of Beverly Hills from Season Two which is all I ever actually want to be doing with my time. Ate a bunch of cookies and had a really great night. 

Today has been okay, I did all my calendar chores and now I’m done with work so I’m just gonna listen to podcasts and watch a Ted Talk or something like that.  Tomorrow, I’m going to the gym and then J is coming over! Last time I saw her I was tripping and her voice was crazy so this time I think it’ll be better and different and hopefully more like old times and hopefully I’m not fucking weird about it. Sunday I plan on doing nothing all day long and might try to go the whole day without leaving the house. We’ll see how that goes :) 

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[catertochemicals-blog]

1/25/16

I don’t know if I’ve ever written any post on a Wednesday because usually I only write when I’m bored at work on Mondays and reminiscing about the weekend or trying to eat up time on Friday to get to the weekend faster. But today, C and A are here from Connecticut and I need to look busy and I keep having my headphones in/being on my phone at inopportune moments when they walk by. R is out of the office and can’t buffer. Whatever. SO this morning I dropped my car off at Firestone and C & A picked me up and brought me into the office. They just called me and told me that it was all because my gas cap was loose which is a huge relief. 

This week has been good/average so far. Monday I worked out really hard, went home and had hot dogs and mac and cheese with J and watched “The Witness” on Netflix. Yesterday, I had a very busy day at work doing tons of proofs for D and it felt good to be helping him. Went home, drank some wine and watched the Bachelor and ate more hot dogs. J hung up the bikes onto hooks and now the apartment looks hugely taken over by bikes but oh well. 

I took a hot bath and we listened to music and went to bed.

I’m hopefully going to Sephora tonight to get a new lipcolor with the gift card J got me for Christmas, then working out 7-8pm. Should be okay. Tomorrow night, me and C and A and R will go out to dinner, then it’s Friday! I don’t think we have any plans set for this weekend other than I know J works both days. Next weekend we can FINALLY go to IKEA and get our wishlist and finish out the apartment which will be greatly exciting although I do feel like it will never actually be completed. All the stuff we are getting is living room stuff and I’m realizing our room is just an afterthought. Oh well, all we do there is sleep.

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It’s Monday as fuck over heeeere.

Hi. It’s Monday. I ate like an entire bag of whole foods Dorito’s and now feel like really sick and really salty. I’m going to do what I’ve been doing during work lulls where I need to sound like I’m typing & recap my weekend and get into the drudgery of my daily life. 

Friday night J and I stayed home and drank margaritas and smoked pot and facetimed C because we didn’t feel like doing anything as it was the day of Trump’s (gagging) inauguration. I’m dying, we are all dying. I am still in disbelief that this is ACTUALLY happening, and whatever I thought my country was has been shattered. The country is fucking doomed because now we are literally Russia. Run by an megalomaniac oligarch. Whatever. I don’t even have words to describe how this feels right now, and I probably wont, ever. Just that the human race is full of fucking idiots who do not give a shit about common decency or their fellow human beings. All you all the time. Vomit.

Ummm so anyways Friday night was a party. Had a good time watching....... something. Maybe even ANTM, I don’t remember. Saturday, J went to ride and I worked out at Orange Theory and went to the grocery and liquor store because randomly I invited MT over for dinner and drinks. I made blood orange cosmos that weren’t very good, and really dry chicken breasts stuffed with goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes. MT brought super delicious mashed potatoes and saved the day. Unexpectedly, I had a GREAT time, and we spent the night talking and cracking up and being sarcasatic assholes. It was super fun. We hung out at our place, then rode over to Rayback for beers and then came home. In the morning, the three of us went to Boxcar for coffee and then M left and J and I got an oil change and ran some errands involving our bikes and stuff. We hung out with G and A at Backcountry and ate wings and drank beer and watched the Greenbay/ATL game which was shockingly super fun to watch. I got super buzzed and felt great, then went home and crashed to watch TV and be a Sunday person on the couch. J grabbed us some cheese and crackers and we snacked and watched the James Bond movie, Spectre, which also weirdly turned out to be really good and I liked it a lot which is unlike me. I was in bed by 9:30 and now it’s gd Monday.

The Subaru’s “check engine” light came on today on my way to work which is shitsville, USA, because I really want to go to IKEA and just dump buckets of money out for two rugs and some dining chairs and a bookcase. I get paid tomorrow so hopefully whatever is wrong with the car won’t be expensive or a big deal. Fingers crossed. I’m taking it to get looked at on Wednesday.

Also: My boss and A are coming to CO tomorrow night and will be in the office Wednesday and stuff, which will be a fun way to spice things up. Today has been good; I’ve listened to a ton of podcasts and played a lot of solitaire and got some great news that a piece that had been a straight up nightmare had gotten approved and it feels good to have all that behind me, as I was stressing out over sucking at this job and not having any answers etc. etc.

Tonight I have to go workout, ugghdljg. I really don’t like going, like, at all. But I know if I cancel this gym membership, I will literally never exercise and just sit at my desk all day then lay on my couch all night and get really fat and die of heart disease. So... I guess I gotta keep on going. Blrhhhhhhh. I think it’s working though: I’m not actively getting fatter and I feel like I look kind of hot naked even though I’m still ever so slightly chubby. Whatevs k bye.

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:(

Today has been a giant ball of yuck :(  The three day weekend was so amazing though.

Friday night after work we all went out for A’s birthday and played a ton of foosball and me and some random dude from Kansas won a bunch of times and it was really fun. J and I had been bickering but made up by the end of the night and overall it was a good time. Saturday, J went to ride with his coworkers and I went to Orange Theory and worked out in the morning and cleaned the house and showered and watched tv. I met them at Rayback for a beer and a burger, and then he and I went home and watched most of the Staircase online and it was just super intense and awesome and I love that he likes that kind of true crime stuff that I’m getting super into. Sunday was the best day of them all. We initially thought we should go for a hike after getting coffee and breakfast together, and we both realized neither of us wanted to actually do physical activity. Instead, we went to Goodwill and got a vase and a crockpot and then we went to Target and got ourselves a TV and Chromecast, and a TV stand and a few decorative items as well as a shoe rack for all of his bike stuff. It was ADORABLE seeing him get into the whole decorating thing and he was excited to be running errands with me which was so cute. We made it through building all the furniture without any arguments and had a great day. We finished the night by watching the rest of the Staircase and then this movie called The Impostor. Yesterday, I had the day off for MLK day. I woke up slowly and made myself an egg on toast with gouda, watched some Seinfeld, and went to the gym at noon for an hour. After working out, I got all the ingredients from Trader Joe’s to make my mom’s calico bean recipe in our new crockpot. I went home and showered and started cooking, then settled in and watched TV and had a pleasant afternoon. I got super grouchy when J asked me to pick him up from work since we live .6 miles from it, and I was just a jerk basically the whole night because I was really tired and just irritated. I kept doing all the dishes after he kept dirtying things, and he got beard hair all over the shower that I had just cleaned the day before so that I could take a hot bath soon. I just wasn’t being nice and it was all around not that great. 

Today, karma is striking hard. I apologized to him and he doesn’t seem to even have two thoughts about it, which is nice, because work today has been super crappy and I’m hoping that writing about it will make me feel better and that I can come read about it later and realize how dumb and small all these otherwise “bad” seeming things are/were.

I got into the office to see that Friday evening, three jobs were submitted after I left. The agency knew the client was closed and therefore I would be out of the office, but my coworker who is super cool & trying to be helpful went ahead and reviewed the pieces. She found a bunch of important mistakes within the pieces and made the agency aware. They were too focused on their timeline and did not want to fix the changes, and asked her and myself to go ahead and move the pieces through the workflow. I went ahead and did it, thinking the comments she made were innocuous since it seemed like the agency didn’t care to fix them. She then had to cancel the piece in order to get back into it and remove her comments, and one of the higher up reviewers at the client was like hey why did you delete those comments, you shouldn’t do that. Everything is snowballing and the agency is asking me to fix this mistake that they made and there’s a limit to what we can do. It was stressful and I felt crappy because I didn’t have any answers and kept deferring to my coworker and asking her how to handle literally every single email that I was getting. She’s great and helped me through, and it seemed like things were okay until the high-up lady at the client rejected the piece. Then the project owner calls our senior and asks what the hell is going on since he wasn’t included on any of the communication between us and the agency. At first we looked bad, but then my coworker forwarded him the communication we had been having with the agency all morning and in retrospect, I’m really pleased with how she and I handled things and that we remained really professional and helpful throughout the stress. I haven’t heard anything from the agency or the project owner since then and I do feel kind of better about it after writing it out like this because I feel like it’s out of our hands and that we did the best we could with a bizarre/bad situation. I know I’m not in trouble or anything and that I didn’t screw anything up which is a huge relief because I usually am at fault for these things. I just don’t like not having any of the answers and feeling like a loser who sucks at her job. I don’t know. 

I ate leftovers for lunch and watched two episodes of Vanderpump Rules and get to leave today at 4 since I came in early for the 7:30 meeting. On my way home I’m definitely going to get margarita ingredients and maybe a pitcher because I’m really craving margs. I’m going to go home, shower, pick up the apartment, and drink margaritas and watch the Bachelor and just hangout and hopefully be really nice to J when he gets back from his ride with his friends and makeup for last night. The end.