catzspaceships - Tumblr blog

catzspaceships · 2 years ago

Text

until then - levi x reader

Summary:

In this cruel world, it is hard to believe that there’s any meaning to be found. But she means something and so does he. In this cruel world, saying those three words has more meaning than anything, which must be why it is so terrifying to say.

Inspired by No Big Deal (I Love You) by dodie.

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

POV: Third Person

Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46121158

In the morning, we don't say it,

Share the water, that's how we play it

The sun is only just beginning to rise but Levi is awake, body leaning against the counter as he waits for the kettle to boil. She is awake too, suppressing a yawn as she enters the kitchen, silently acknowledging him with a bob of her head. He nods back and turns to pick another tea cup from the cupboard, polishing it with a cloth and putting it down next to his own, adding green pines to it.

They move around each other without speaking. She pours the water into their cups and he places saucers onto the table next to the window overseeing the ground of the Headquarters. She tops up her tea with cold water but leaves his alone.

Both captains sit as the room fills with golden light. Levi’s eyes close, his head turned towards the rising sun. She squints against the glow, delicately sipping at her tea. The toes of their boots touch under the table.

In the shower, yeah we save it

Share the water, that's how we play it

She winces as Levi lowers her into the steaming bathtub, the warmth numbing the pains shooting up and down her spine. He’s slow and careful, hands gentle under her arms, so unlike his earlier rushing around when he had been boiling vats of water and scattering dried rosemary and lavender into the bath. He doesn’t believe that the shrubs make a difference, but she believes they do. The aftermath of the expedition has left her too tired to bring this up, but he remembers.

Levi’s eyebrows pinch together as he watches her hands grip onto the rim of the tub, her breathing shallow and her knuckles white. He sits down on a crate, elevated so he can reach her when she needs him. When she does, he supports her shoulders as he rubs soap through her wet hair. He moves his hand down her back, touch light as he inspects her bruises, muttering apologies when she sucks in air through her teeth. He had been quick enough to prevent the Titan from crushing her but had not spared her entirely from all damage.

She sees the lines on his forehead smooth out when his hands touch the hot water. “Get in.”

He shakes his head, lowering her back down to wash out the soap. “I’m not the injured one here.”

“You have military baths everyday and never afford yourself this kind of treatment. Just get in before it gets cold.”

So he does after some gentle persuasion, climbing in and sitting behind her, holding onto the sides of the tub so she can lean against his chest. He sighs as the heat engulfs him, easing his sore muscles in a way cold water never does.

Her head rests against his left shoulder and she asks him if it’s nice. He shrugs with his other shoulder and says it’s alright. They stay there until the water cools.

I don't mind, say I care, you're the best

Yeah, you hold me like its already said

New headstones line at the front of the expanse of graves where fallen soldiers – or parts of them – rest. The Survey Corps hold their salutes but they don’t stay long, moving away as dark clouds begin to darken the sky.

She stays, looking down at the white slabs and the names carved into the stone. Not all graves are occupied, which pains her, but every grave has a name, which is the next best thing. He stays too, coming to stand next to her. To them, just the names aren’t enough.

She clasps her hands together. “We did what we could.”

He makes a bitter sound. “It’s never enough.”

“You’re here. That means there’s more we can do.”

“Don’t say that as if you aren’t here too.”

She doesn’t reply. A tear rolls down her cheek. Levi’s hand comes to rest on her back. The rain begins to fall but they don’t move.

I don't mind, I will do this dance

For the rest of my life, for as long as you want

The candle in Levi’s room is burning low and his eyelids are heavy but he keeps writing at his desk. She’s sat on his bed reading, her arms drooping with the weight of the book every so often. Once in a while she peers over her pages to look at the man hunched over papers. His shoulders are tense, his writing painstakingly slow, his free hand propping up his chin. He doesn’t stop when she asks him to. She doesn’t argue but doesn’t stop peeking at him.

When the candle snuffs out, Levi turns around to see her asleep, book open on her face like it is most nights. And like most nights, he gets up and pries it from her fingers, setting it down on the bedside table. He carefully throws a blanket over her and tucks it under her chin, fingers brushing against her neck as he does so. He lies down next to her.

This, too, happens most nights. She has her own room and bed that Levi could force her to move to, but he never does. If he did, then maybe she wouldn’t come back every evening when the day was done.

He doesn’t sleep, instead using his time to memorise the details of her face, so that when the day comes where she loses like the others, he can remember her.

She dreams of him, dreams that devolve into nightmares. When she wakes, she turns to find him and he’s still there, still alive, even if it’s just for now.

Not that I wouldn't say it first 'cause I would

It's no big deal

They had met when Levi was recruited by Erwin for the Survey Corps. He had been cold and indifferent but she had made an effort to be civil anyway. The two other soldiers who had followed him had been more approachable – the girl had been quick to befriend her, which tempered his manner towards her somewhat.

She had seen the aftermath of his encounter with the Titan that killed his friends. She had wrapped up the girl’s head in her own cape to bring back with them. He had carried the upper body of the boy on his back, refusing any assistance. He had insisted they be burned instead of buried like the other soldiers, which was only allowed because of hers and Erwin’s insistence that these soldiers be an exception.

The ashes are in an urn that sits on an empty bookshelf. Levi cleans it twice a week.

On the anniversary of their passing, he tells her about their time in the underground and the many memories he has of them. She listens and holds his hand, even though she has heard them before. He smiles when he speaks of them, albeit a small one. To her, it’s worth all the smiles in the world.

Levi is voluntarily vulnerable one evening a year.

Look at me like that, hold your breath 'cause we're good

It's no big deal

News reaches everyone that Wall Maria has fallen. They are sent out to help with the evacuation into Wall Rose and protect the civilians. She finds her family’s house has been destroyed by the debris. She doesn’t find any remnant of them in the rubble. She doesn’t find them as they do a head count during the evacuation.

She doesn’t cry or shout or get upset. She works and fights and kills like she’s done before, but she is reckless and sloppy and uncaring. She doesn’t speak unless she’s giving orders. The others try to talk to her but after several days they stop trying.

Levi doesn’t try to speak to her at all but he doesn’t leave her alone. He makes her breakfast and gives her a kick when she doesn’t touch it straightaway. He speaks on her behalf if needed and takes on her paperwork. He stays with her until she falls asleep. He never says a word.

Two weeks pass and they’re in the kitchen at night. She stares out of the window into the darkness, the heat from her teacup numb to her as Levi sets it down. He touches her toe with his own but she doesn’t respond.

It’s the smell of the spiced apple tea that brings her back to the present, memories of the pies her mother used to make for the family when she was young. And then she’s crying. Her eyes, which had been dry since the days the wall fell, are spilling over with tears and she heaves as inhuman sounds force themselves from her throat.

Arms come around her and she falls against Levi, her sobs becoming muffled against his stomach. He says nothing, keeping steady and running his fingers through her unwashed hair without flinching away from the texture or the feeling of her nails digging into his sides.

When she finally pulls away to steady her breathing, Levi’s white sleep shirt is sodden. The first word she has said in weeks sounds broken and raspy.

“I’m sorry.”

Levi shows no concern for his clothing – only for her. He touches her cheek, wiping some of the wetness away. She cries for the rest of the night and he’s right there with her.

On a Sunday we're together

God I love you, says not one of us ever

She holds a bag of ice to Levi’s ankle, lips tightening when he hisses at the pain. After days of not properly resting, she had insisted that he stop going around as if everything was fine, so, much to his annoyance, he’s sitting in his bed with his injury propped up and he’s going to stay there like that all day.

She pays no attention to his complaints, mindful of his swollen ankle as she tends to it. With all the insanity occurring around them, she’s grateful that he can have a chance to rest and silently glad that she can too. The meetings surrounding what took place in Stohess are still occurring and she’s happy she doesn’t have to be involved today.

Levi swears under his breath and she looks up with concern. His jaw is tense and eyes are shut but he waves at her dismissively. She sets the pack so it covers the inflamed area and moves the chair closer to his side, poking his side and avoiding his hand swatting her away.

“Shall I read to you?”

He opens one eye and glares at her. “I’ve not been made completely useless, you know.”

She ignores him and picks up her novel. It’s romance, something Levi hates, but he listens anyway – the bizarre things happening as of late are giving him daily headaches and comprehending not only the brat’s ability to transform, but his fellow cadet too, only makes it worse. Her voice doesn’t.

She changes his ice pack after a couple of hours. She brings him dinner and later some tea. She carefully bandages his ankle and foot, giving him some stern words about getting up in the night.

As she gets up to leave, Levi calls her name softly. “Thank you.”

She smiles and it’s beautiful.

In the half light, where you tease me

God I love you would be far too easy

Levi reaches up to the top shelf but his fingers barely skim the boxes. He grumbles to himself as he pushes up on the counter, balancing his knees on the wood before stretching up and successfully grabbing onto the packaging.

His silent satisfaction is interrupted by an ugly snort from behind him. He turns, face hot as he sees her stood in the doorway, hand covering her mouth. Her eyes are crinkled and shining.

Levi climbs down quickly and leaves the box on the side before approaching her. “Something funny, captain?”

She shakes her head. “Just enjoying the view. Would you like help with the rest?”

“Absolutely not.” He draws himself up on his tiptoes, bringing them to the same height and nose to nose. He grimaces without malice when she giggles again. “Laugh one more time and I’ll teach you a lesson, brat.”

Levi’s features twitch when she touches the top of his head, patting it like she would to a child before carding her fingers through his bangs. “Just because I can’t pull rank on the likes of you doesn’t mean I won’t try.”

He tuts and takes her hand away. He doesn’t let go of it.

Not that I wouldn't say it first 'cause I would

It's no big deal

The cabin is still dirty, despite the new Squad Levi’s hard work. Night has fallen but Levi is still scrubbing away at the floor, his back aching and breathing shallow from the smell of chemicals. Any movements he hears are unimportant to him, knowing it will be one of the kids shuffling around in their rooms. He works, even though he knows that sleep in these times matter more than this grubby hut being his standard of clean. Still, he keeps going.

Her letter is in his pocket and his mind wanders without his permission. She’s with Hange, the compromise they came to when she refused to hide in the city and when Levi put his foot down about her joining his squad to protect Eren and Historia. She had been furious at him and most likely still is, but the night they had evacuated, she had pressed folded paper into his palm and hugged him tightly.

The threat of the government seems ridiculous compared to the threat of the Titans, but she had taken it seriously. Her letter is short and half full of expletives, but also of concern and care, for the kids and for him.

He keeps it on his person, tucked away in his breast pocket. He almost cries when they regroup after Kenny’s attack and it’s gone.

Look at me like that, hold your breath 'cause we're good

It's no big deal

The Survey Corps cape is laid over Erwin’s body, covering his face and wounds. She watches him painstakingly tuck the green fabric around their fallen commander and friend, swallowing hard to try and rid herself of the lump in her throat.

Levi’s shoulders are shaking when he stands, his head bent. She approaches him carefully and puts her arm around him, ready to catch him when he falls. And he does, his nails paring skin off his cheeks, his back hunching as he begins to cry. She braces as he collapses, her own tears following his so easily she almost forgets that this is the first time she’s seen him cry like this since he lost his friends all those years ago.

She mumbles words and phrases that are unintelligible against the back of his neck and he makes sounds akin to a wounded animal.

Hange finds them and they envelop the two in a shaky embrace. When they pull away and ask if they’re ready to go, she waits for Levi to raise his head and make the call. He holds onto her for a little longer, looking to Erwin’s body for a lost reassurance before agreeing to return.

They salute the commander and Levi lets out a gasp. She clutches his hand, anchoring him.

It's no big deal

Sparkling blue stretches out as far as the eye can see. The clear water as bright and colourful as the sky is a sight it takes minutes to comprehend. The kids play in the sea and Hange shrieks about its saltiness, continuing to taste it despite Levi’s stern words against it.

She gazes out at the view. The world as they know it is so much more vast than what they are currently seeing, and they are people walking about it, knowing of this island’s existence and praying for the day they are all destroyed. All these wonders she had heard about in hushed tones from her parents, the wonders that Armin had marvelled at – they are wonders that they are not allowed to touch.

Levi comes up to her side. She glances down to see he’s taken off his boots and socks and she smiles.

“So, you’ve been tempted.”

“It was either voluntary or an attempted attack by the idiot three over there.” He nods his head towards Sasha, Jean, and Connie.

She hums, looking back out at the ocean. “He would hate this, wouldn’t he?” she asks softly.

Levi’s eyes close. “He’d be so disappointed.”

They do not touch. It’s painful not to.

I'll say it here, I'll tell you soon

Until then I love you

The airship door opens and they get a look at the city below them. This is the rest of the world and the start of the war.

She looks to Levi as he tightens his gear and she adjusts the neck his cape, the only Survey Corp member still clinging to the old uniform. Fingers brush against his jugular and she feels him swallow.

She tells him to be safe. He rolls his eyes. She grips the fabric. “Promise that you’ll come back in one piece.”

There’s a fierceness and fear laced in her words.

The words fail him. He touches her wrist.

I'll say it here, I'll tell you soon

Until then I love you

Hange had warned her but she cries anyway at the sight of the bandaged broken man laid out on the wooden cart. Levi’s hair is the only identifiable thing about him, his face covered with gauze and his body shrouded by white cloth. She does not speak in fear of waking him, but selfishly wishes he will stir so she can try to relax.

Hange watches her worry over him, crouching by his side. Their eye is glassy and their hands are trembling.

“I don’t know how he’s still alive,” they whisper. “He should be dead. Perhaps – perhaps it would be better if he –”

“We’d all be better dead,” she says. “We’re the only ones who will be alive when this ends. If Levi keeps living, it means that this isn’t ending yet. Not this way.” She moves his bangs away from his forehead.

Hange furrows their brow. “How can you… after everything, you two… how are you not afraid?”

She exhales and shuts her eyes. “I’m always afraid. So is he. It’s what makes it work.”

“It doesn’t. You know it will kill you. Suffering is a part of loss, but the things unsaid is what will kill you.”

“… I know.”

She can’t look at Hange but her eyes open to look upon Levi again. He’s moving, his one visible eye twitching before it opens. The pupil dilates and focuses on her.

The words fail her. She touches his hair again. “You broke your promise.”

He can only look back at her.

I'll say it here, I'll tell you soon

Levi’s trying to get out of the bunk on the ship but she’s holding him down, saddened that for the first time, she’s winning in a battle of strength between the two of them.

“I need to go,” he growls, scrabbling weakly against her arms. “You’d rather me waste away on this godforsaken ship?”

“I’d rather you be alive,” she says, her voice breaking as she pins his wrists down. One hand is still wrapped in bandages, two of his fingers missing. The gauze covering his face had fallen away as their journey progressed, but he still has only one eye visible, and it’s clouded with anger and frustration.

“Like I’d let you all die in place of me – I have a job to do – I promised him.”

She screws her eyes shut. The boat had docked but the world is still swaying. “I can’t let you do this.”

Levi stops struggling but the fight doesn’t die. He stares up at her with a vulnerable defiance. And he asks: “why can’t you?”

He challenges her. He says her name. He challenges her in a way he’s refused to do for around a decade now. If she answers him truthfully, then surrendering to her demands will be easier. And she knows it.

He repeats the question, sitting up against her slackened grip. Their noses are touching. Her hands are still loosely gripping his wrists. His breathing is shallow.

A tear falls from her left eye.

“I can’t… please, Levi. I… we… we need you.”

She doesn’t say it. Neither does he. That’s how the song and dances goes, how it’s gone all this time.

She loses this fight.

Until then I love you

The flying boat is approaching the billowing steam. The shellshocked soldiers begin to murmur amongst themselves as they prepare their spears and their descent into hell.

He’s there next to her like he’s always been. He knows this will be the last time they will fight side by side. Hange is gone. Erwin is gone. Hundreds of soldiers and comrades are gone. Everyone in the machine is all that humanity has left. She’s all he has left.

She looks at him in a manner she has done thousands of times before. That, too, will be the last time.

His lips are dry and rough and sudden against her own. Her surprise is muffled by his mouth.

It’s over before it has begun. This last time just so happens to be the first time too.

(I wouldn’t say it first, I wouldn’t say it)

Levi rips Pieck away from her father. He rips himself away from Jean and Connie. He can’t look at her because if he does, he know he will stay.

They fly away from the gas and Levi knows he has to look. He has to be there with her in these final moments.

Her eyes are locked on him. She stands alone in the crowd watching them rise above them. She says something and Levi knows that it’s his name.

Her name dries up on his tongue as she transforms into the beautiful abomination that had been their enemy five years ago. A Titan that he will not be able to kill.

The enemy still stands and is still fighting. Levi grits his teeth and snarls. They will not have fallen for nothing.

He fights for humanity and the love he still has within himself for this pitiful existence – he fights for her.

I’ll say it here, I’ll tell you soon

Her memories feel distant and are not all hers, but she is here, alive. They’re all alive.

Her head turns with a desperation she hasn’t felt since her family’s death, searching the scorched earth for him. She stumbles to her feet, touching her friends’ shoulders as she passes them.

Levi is collapsed onto the ground staring at the dust and steam. He’s alive.

She can’t bear it as she crumples to her knees in front of him, the weight of the world crushing her lungs as it falls away. Her cry is not the only one that fills the air as she holds the sides of his face. He mirrors her, fingers pressing into her cheeks as his mouth twists with an impossible combination of joy and misery.

Their foreheads connect with more force than intended but it doesn’t matter. He intertwines their fingers together and she doesn’t mind the odd sensation of his missing digits. They cry to the point where neither of them can speak, but they don’t have to. Perhaps it’s ignorant of them to believe that they have time, but they do.

Not that I wouldn't say it first 'cause I would

It's no big deal

As the oldest and longest serving Survey Corps members, she and Levi had earned their retirement. So, they vacate to one of the surviving towns when it’s safe to do so, taking Falco and Gabi under their care, though they don’t particularly need it. Onyakopon visits them to help them acclimate to the change and to update them on the Alliance’s plans for peace.

Healing is difficult but they have each other. They have the kids. And they have time.

Despite everything, they find themselves repeating their routines from lifetimes ago. He boils the kettle and she pours the water. Their feet touch under the table. She retrieves items from higher shelves. He tucks her in when she falls asleep before him. They sleep beside each other.

Inevitably, things are also different. He requires a wheelchair as standing for more than five minutes drains him of all his energy. Her hands are ensnared with tremors that can calm but do not cease. He is paralysed with night terrors that have him screaming when he finally wrestles free. When heat feels overbearing, she becomes suffocated and only stops hyperventilating when put under a cold shower.

They adapt and adjust and help each other like they always have. Her arms come around him in the night. His hands style her hair in the mornings. She insists on pushing him around when they leave the house and he does not object, reading as go about. He lets her sit in his lap when they stop in the park and they read together.

Their lips find each other. That too is different, but it feels as routine as their oldest habits.

Words become easier to say as time passes and wounds heal and safety envelops them. She is kind. He is beautiful. She is a pain. He is stubborn. She’s her best when she is waking. He’s his best when he is ready to sleep. They are best when they’re together.

The words do not fail.

Levi’s on the bed. She’s tying his shoes, despite his complaining that he can do it perfectly fine on his own. He rolls his eyes but then sees that she has pulled up his sock for him and straightened his trouser ankle the way he does. She does the same to the other leg, taking her time to make it even just as he does.

She straightens up, on her knees in front of him, and she smiles. “Satisfied?”

“I love you.”

It’s easy.

Look at me like that, hold your breath 'cause we're good

It's no big deal

Her smile widens. Her eyes glisten. His eyes are wet too and he’s smiling. The scarred side of his mouth doesn’t turn all the way up so he is a little lopsided and there’s nothing more beautiful than that. She laughs and it’s the loveliest sound in the world. She shuffles closer, rising herself on her knees so they’re at eye level. He touches her cheek and he’s content. Almost.

She leans in and their lips brush against each other.

“I love you too.”

It’s that easy.

348 notes · View notes