cave-johnson-multiverse

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

You are a man who does science for the sake of science, hoping that by putting test subjects through endless lethal tests will make money materialize in your pockets. Your entire company is made of brilliant people, making things like wormhole shooting devices, sentient panels cubes and guns, and so many more things, but you never thought to sell the portal gun, or the turrets, or anything for that matter. You’re nothing more than an eccentric moron who got lucky selling shower curtains.

Friend, I have no idea where you get the idea we at Aperture don't sell our own products. Turrets are our best seller on the military and domestic markets, we've got angel investors lining up to line our pockets and we are delivering! Our grade-A gels are revolutionizing sports, and as for that "eccentric moron" comment, I'll have you know-

[Greg's Note] The boss, gets a little hung up on his own intellect. Just- trust we've got a good team in accounts and another in marketing, we're doing just fine here.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

This, believe it or not, is a test. No- I don't mean where you are when you're reading this, you're most likely not in an Aperture test chamber, I mean this post itself, is a test. Apparently the Archivist is having trouble posting to her other blogs and wanted me to try it out. So, that aside, situation normal. By the way if any of you Tumbler users would like to purchase some novelty combustible lemons- I'm sorry, I'm told I'm out of space. Cave out. Of space. Goodbye.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

why did they turn glados into the gps navigator ):

Turns out Carolyn's voice carries at just the right frequency to be heard perfectly in a car. Don't ask me, the tech "bois" figured that one out and knew it'd be marketable. Don't worry all you headphone and earbud pedestrians, if you've got good enough equipment, you're laughing too.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

portal zine (summer 2023)

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

If you're allergic to peanuts, you might wanna tell somebody now because this next test may turn your blood into peanut water for a few minutes.

On the bright side, if we can make this happen, they're gonna have to invent a new type of Nobel prize to give us, so, hang in there.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

If you need to go to the restroom after this next series of tests, please let a test associate know.

Because in all likelihood, whatever comes out of you is going to be coal.

Only temporary, so do not worry.

If it persists for a week, though, start worrying, and come see us, because, that's not supposed to happen.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

Just a heads-up, we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full-blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test.

I'll be honest, we're throwin' science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

If you've cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might've noticed that your blood is pure gasoline.

That's normal.

We've been shooting you with an invisible lazer that's supposed to turn blood into gasoline, do all that means is, it's working.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

This deserves some love 💖

https://www.instagram.com/p/CxQnBV6OnPL/?igshid=MWZjMTM2ODFkZg==

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

Boosting this for my Portal fans~

i cant help but notice that the chocolate chips cookies you brought to the potluck yesterday had bad vibes. so i went through your cabinets while you were sleeping and checked out the chocolate chips you used. i mean they looked innocent on the surface, they were even fair trade certified. but i just couldn't shake that itching sense that sometning was off. i infiltrated the chocolate company's headquarters by posing as IT support. and you know what I found? the guy who designed the labels got a dui in 2007. so it turns out my instincts were right and you're a terrible person.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

I love when glados human/android designs get like. looser and more disheveled in p2 vs p1. like when her hairstyle gets less polished or she unbuttons the lab coat or something.. let my girl get sillayyyy

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know. Because that means it's about to hit 500○, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of ya pretty fast.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain.

There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe.

Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel.

In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are going to travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors.

Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that, too.

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

Okay, quick note from the Archivist. This is a momentous occasion.

We need an emoji of the Black Forest cake that's actually in the game. For now, though:

This will do. A single candle for a single, dead moron. Rest in torture, Wheatley. You will not be missed.

Important News

He's gone

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

least deadly aperture experience

[cave-johnson-multiverse]

For the sake of humanity, die of your blight. We’re blessed you’re barren as Mojave sands.

Get his ass Caroline GET HIS ASS‼️‼️‼️‼️

I hate Cave Johnson he is a certified piece of shit

This is NOT ship art I HATE him he deserves to get his ass BEAT