cchanelfeels-blog
Cchanel.feels
My feelings in images, quotes or mix of words because im bad at expressing myself.
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For the first time in forever 02.04.19
I do not want to die, i do not want to be sad crying or anxious. I’m happy im smiling, breathing and enjoying the fact that I’m alive. By your side. And i promise that i will do everything i can to stay happy and make you happy with me. Every single personnal problems that we need to fix we will do it together. Support each other, hug each other and love each other. You are my best friend, my fiancé and officially the person i want to spend the rest of my days, adventures and all the crazy idea with. I love you Nareg.
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02.03.19 5:39AM
I just posted a pic on insta and you saw it and you could’ve liked it like u usually do but u didn’t. It makes me think you’re still in « incognito » you’re not really back. You say you are but deep down i know you’re not and im scared to see the day you’re gonna get tired, leave and never come back. Because that day. You wont have anything to come back to. Im just there, breathing, planning, thinking, waiting for that day to come so i can end my cycle.
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l$d
if someone asked me to describe how loving you feel I would tell them to sit in a perfectly clean room, with the perfect colors, the perfect temperature and your perfume everywhere. also to take two tabs to make it last and to feel their heavy body on the matress and see how everything just seem to flow weirdly perfectly and smoothly and never seem to end like you cant see where it began or where it ends. everything is just perfect. that's loving you. with you everything is just perfect and its the right thing to do. 03.02.1901:37AM my life is amess but I know that I can tell you that I love you and that I want a kiss and ill get it I am sure that you are not leaving at this moment right now. I just got really worried because you’ve been outside for a long minute now and we’re both really high so I cant be sure how cold you are or how warm you are I just want whats best for you. and as weird as it may seem I want you in my messy room with me, again. I don't know if its the drugs but I feel like I really love you. like I literaly feel like im in love with you.
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To put in the next letter
The thought of dying is constantly eating all my other thoughts and its all i can think of all day. How, when and making lists of why. When you were gone every cuts and plans were stopped by the hope that one day my prince will come back. Every single time. Then you came back, you answered my texts, you read my letter, you hugged me and i got to tell you how much i love you. You were my missing piece to be truly happy and you motivated me to be better. Then the dark thoughts came back and i kept crying and crying and didn’t really know what’s wrong. You’re here, why am i still sad? The anxiety, stress, depression, everything came back. Remember when you kissed me when we were stuck outside and you told me how just a kiss used to make all my problems go away? It still does. You make me happy. Seeing you smile, breathe and all the hugs, kisses and looks i get from you are what keeps me going. You’re the best. The best friend i could ask for. The best person in my world. You broke my bubble and broke my fantasy. You created something bigger than you think you make me see colours in my grey toned life. I want to live and make you feel the way you make me feel. I want to be your island and make you comfortable. I hope one day i’ll be able to be as fantastic as you are. You deserve the best. Ill be there for you, always. Just like you were always there for me. I love you and appreciate everything you do for me.
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⚠️i wanna share this with you but idk if its a good idea so i use the fact that im on drugs in case it does something bad⚠️
01.28.18.
I can’t. I just can’t keep my smile on and the tears in i just can’t keep anything in anymore I’ve hit a new low everyday every midnight i hit a new low i become even more a waste and every midnight of every day i just wanna get back to my world. In my little world, my bubble, we live you and i together. We just are just like chanel#3. We are together, happy, forever and i am yours just like you are mine and we keep each other happy . In my little world i can sometimes break the silence and tell you how much i love you and how happy i am to be yours without feeling too bad for bothering your moment of silence. I am really sorry to be as sad as i am i try really hard to be happy and to not kill myself and stay for you. Literally staying bc i want you to be just like you were, successful, happy and Nareg. The handsome smart Nareg and i want you to stay so everyone can see how amazing of a person you are and how lucky they are to be with you and share all thoses memories. You are wonderful and i love you and i want you to be happy more than anything and keep calling you my husband because that’s the best thing that I could ever brag about when i could and when people ask about it i just act like im talking about my cat. Thats also the reason why i have him bc the others were females and i wanted a male to refer him as my husband since i lost him. Anyways its almost 8 i should already be sleeping and you got the point i love you, in my head you’re still my husband and i cant get it out bc its the only thing keeping me and i want you to get better so i can die knowing you’re gonna be fine. I love you . Im sorry
Theses are just segments of what’s keeping me, i have a lot just pictures of you smiling and us just being and i don’t want any answers or anything i just want you to know that i regularly watch our memories just so my little bubble can stay as strong as possible but recently i wasn’t expecting you to actually come back and be there with me but you always manage to come back just when we’re about to lose me for good, you’re always there to stop me and you dont even try that’s how amazing you are. You’re just a ball of goodness and happiness and will to live all of a sudden to some people and you’re amazing and im sure im not the only one to see it . I probably wont or hope i wont remember sending you anything as i am forgetting everything im writing. Dont worry i will store everything i say somewhere kinda safe where only me and totally strangers can see how much i love you and how much im not sure whats going on on the other side but its fine bc you’re smiling and that’s all that really matters
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01.26.19
Still feel like shit and used and worthless and like shit and i hate it i hate it so much.
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To add in a letter
Spending a day with you makes me believe in better days. Spending few hours with you make me feel happy again and forget how sad i always am. Spending a night with you make me feel safe from everything, myself included. I love you with all my heart and want you to be the happiest person on earth. I want you to feel comfortable with me and help you get better every day. I am here for you, always. xxx
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the last post
I cleaned my room, folded my clothes and his clothes and now I just need to finish a letter but I don't even know if I want to since I already told everyone in my surrounding that I wanted to die so theres nothing to explain. I want to finish my book but I also don't think theres a use to that its not like someone is gonna read it... I wanted to hang myself but I don't want it to do a messy job and I don't wanna be able to scream because I know that when ill be hanging from the celling my survival instinct will overcome my desire to end it. I don't wanna be saved and brought back to this life. I wanna start a new cycle all over again, forget everything. I want people to know that its ok and ill be ok and to not be sad because ill be ok. I want people to not feel bad for me because it my decision and I took time to think and really tried to fix it and not to turn this to them because this is about me. I didn't do it to make someone feel bad I did it for me, because I wanna feel better. I wanted to hurt myself like usual but its messy but also hanging is messy so maybe I could do both plus ill be sure everything is gonna work, I really want this to work im really tired of trying and failing I wish I could ask the people who did it how they did and you cant ask the family or anything so its really hard. I don't wanna survive this and people start to pity me. I don't wanna survive this at all I wanted to feel better but now im tired of it.i lived longer than I expected and that's fine. ill be fine. I apologize to the person whos gonna find me. I guess that's the letter I wanted to write for them. I just need to write it on my dactylo
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01.24.19
Starting to feel used but arent we all using each other? Im using you to feel loved again like when we were engaged and you’re using me to not be alone like you used her... i guess I’ve become the replacement of the replacement. Another check on the list... i should do a list and update it everyday. At least they would know why.
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4:19 AM 01.23.19
Should i throw myself too ? I miss the good days but can’t remember them .
Should i write you another letter ? Rejection became so hard to take .
Should i just live the lie ? Maybe that’s what i deserve .
I love you
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I don't think I deserve to breathe smile or feel the wind on my face. I don't think I deserve to have you in my bed, kissing me or hugs from you. I don't think I should be alive I really am sure I should just kill myself
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You seem really happy with little things like new friends, restaurant and just attention. You’re so precious and im more than grateful to have you back. I love you with all my heart but i think this time i’ll be the one to leave. Forever. Im sorry i tried to be strong and smile but everything got so heavy and empty so quickly recently i just can’t take it anymore and i can’t tell you because i want you to stay happy. Have fun, be happy you deserve it. I love you xx
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if someone asked me whats wrong
everything. everything Is wrong. I love someone who doesn't love me back I love someone I don't deserve aren't we supposed to accept the love we think we deserve just like they said ? why cant I let go of him why do I feel like my life is an empty void filled with this awful weight. why do I feel like hes the only one keeping me alive am I gonna live when hes gonna decide to really cut me off ? I hate to think about it I hate to think and live in this world where its just me. me and this big hole. that hole I felt all my life that only you could fill. you know that game for babies ? where they have to put the shape in his hole ?you are this shape, the perfect shape for my hole that keep eating me from the inside. you stopped time, showed me what being happy felt like and gave me everything I didn't deserve. you made me feel alive for the first time. my mom always tell people that when I love I love for real. but I never felt like this. I love my dad like a lot im his little princess im a daddys girl and everytime he left when I was little I always felt like, life just seemed wrong. everything seemed useless and boring and it always pushed the dark thoughts in my head. and now. now I feel like im a ghost trapped in a box. im there but no one see me. I wanna talk and be good and alive again but the box is sealed and lost. im lost and nobody’s looking for my box. I never loved someone like I love you. I never felt like I loved too much I always felt like im not enough. maybe I am not enough but when I try to be the opposite people push me away. you push me away. I try a lot but you keep saying its too late. is It ? am I not enough ? I hope you never find this account because I really think the fact that I love you too much will push me to the edge. I really think you’re the soulmate I need to be with in this cycle. remember the cycles ? I knoe I died from a heartbreak or maybe I stabbed myself in the heart ? I feel like I should end this cycle if im not with you. I feel like its the right thing to do. if I am trapped in this box I don't wanna be. if I am trapped with the hole I don't wanna be. if I cant be yours I cant be. ill get you that typewriter. ill try to make you smile when ill see you again but after that I don't its best if I stop being. I love you and hope you’re sleeping well.
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I promise i’m the one for you just come in my arms and let me show you
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Someone you loved has died
You might have felt like someone you loved has died when i changed so quickly. I used to be an escape and became what you wanted to escape from. I became mean, emotionless and hurted you more than anyone else. I became awful its completely normal to hate the person i was. I understand now. I reviewed everything i did. The shower, the panic attacks, the club and all the other little things i kept doing. I was on a state of mind where i just couldn’t see the bad in my actions and couldn’t understand what was wrong, it doesn’t make ANY of my actions less hurtful or ok in any way. I know what i did and how much i hurted you. I know what was wrong with me and worked on it. You might think that i won’t change but i can’t help but remind you of all the times i changed for and because of you. My drug addict phase where i couldnt stand being sober, i stopped because you told me you couldn’t handle seeing me like this and it hurted every time you had to pick me up and i was the most wasted person on earth. I stopped to keep you with me. Remember when i got mad at you at school? Its not really a change but i wanted to talk to you all this time but my stupidity and I just wouldn’t and one day i told myself that at this rate I was going to lose you so i stopped being mad. And now. I dont have to explain my worst phase you know exactly what i mean and i hate to think about it i can’t even imagine how you felt. Im sorry. One thing i can assure you is that i worked on myself even more and everytime i thought i knew what I’ve done and thought i knew how you felt i was wrong. Now i really realised what i did and I’m ashamed of my behaviour. Im ashamed and can’t accept that I really did that to the best person I could have. I changed , no more clubs, no more drinking, no more being selfish reckless or anything like that. I could tell you all about it in letters and how much i meditated on what i can do to earn your forgiveness but i would prefer to show you. When you’ll be ready to see me of course. For now I’ll just wait and work on myself for you.
Ps: i would love to know how you feel and all about your day
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