ce-leee - Tumblr blog

[ce-leee]

warning: suicidal thoughts

Intrusive suicidal thoughts are the worst when they hit you at unexpected times, like dinner with a friend, in the middle of doing your job at work, sitting in a dark theater watching a movie surrounded by people. I’ve walked through the last 2 years of my life, numb and tricking myself into believing I was okay because feeling nothing was better than feeling pain. Then something happens to swipe the rug out from beneath you, and it all comes sweeping in like a tsunami, the urge to self medicate and self harm, the constant desire to end it all versus the fear of death itself.

[ce-leee]

Is suicide REALLY selfish?

I’ll begin with a warning… this is a very touchy, vulnerable and controversial subject. This is also something I’m very passionate and care deeply about as I know people who died by suicide and I myself have struggled with bipolar disorder which automatically increases my risk of suicide. So let’s get to it, shall we? “Suicide is a selfish act.” When I hear this, I don’t get angry as much as I do sad that people still believe this. If anything, in the mind of the one who takes their own life, it’s a selfless act.I believe there are two possible reasons why some say suicide is a selfish act. The first may be an attempt to comfort the suicide loss survivor(s) in an effort to help shift the guilt burden (blame) to the one who died. The second reason may be it is easier for them to say “suicide is a selfish act” rather than really try to process why someone would take their own life. Being a suicide survivor gives one much more perspective— and I hope to use this to educate others. I’ve heard many different opinions on this subject but the ones I hear most are “suicide is selfish” and/or, only cowards commit suicide. First of all, people who believe this obviously never struggled [firsthand] with mental illness or are most likely heavily influenced by religion. If you were ever in the grips of depression, you know you’re not “killing yourself” to take the easy way out. A majority of the time, you don’t want to die, rather, you just want the pain to end and feel there’s no (other) way out. When I’ve felt suicidal in the past, it’s not that I was weak, instead, under the influence of my neuroses and trauma; convincing me I’m better off dead and nobody cares about me. To an extent, it is selfish only because when you are in such despair, it’s nearly impossible to look at the big picture and realize thoughts and feelings are not permanent. All you can see is a deep darkness while feeling extremely desperate for the pain to end and hopeless in the situation. You’re not thinking about how your decision may impact others because you are convinced nobody gives a shit about you and no one would notice if you were gone. Personally, I don’t think people that die by suicide are cowards. The only situation where I think so is when there’s a mass shooting (such as columbine) and the killers took their lives afterwards to escape the consequences. I’m not suggesting suicide is ideal or encouraging people to kill themselves; rather, to have an open mind & compassion for people that take their own lives. If you’ve ever tried to take your life, you know how scary it is. It’s an adrenaline rush like no other and extremely frightening. Can you imagine how much suffering a person must feel to get to that point? If you can’t, you’ve probably never experienced it therefore you have no right to claim these people are “selfish/cowards”. I know how scared I felt prior to overdosing as it was my last resort. It’s not that I wanted to die, but I truly felt there was no other viable option. You have to understand people who attempt or are successful at suicide are most likely mentally ill. It’s not them making the decision but their illness. Nobody gets mad at someone who dies from cancer. They may say they “lost” their battle, but these people get sympathy and remorse. Now, picture how people react when somebody dies from suicide. I’ve gotten remarks about how people would be “so mad” if I took my life and I’ve even had family members ignore me, saying I was doing so for attention. Nobody would get angry at a loved one with cancer, so why do we for mental illness? If you had a voice screaming in your head 24/7 that you’re unloved, unwanted and a worthless piece of shit, wouldn’t you want it to be over? People are insensitive saying they should just “suck it up” or were too weak without ever having been in their shoes. It’s so much more than having a bad day. Depression and sadness are correlated but everyday, situational sadness comes and goes. This is very different from clinical, major depression or any other mood disorder/illness like schizophrenia. “As human beings, it is difficult for us to relate to mental pain and empathize with what someone so afflicted is feeling. I believe this is one of the reasons suicide is so stigmatized and misunderstood. Most of us can easily understand physical pain since at some point or another in our lives we have experienced some form of it. Peoples judgments strengthen my resolve to continue to inspire conversation about mental illness and suicide with the hopes of dispelling myths like “Suicide is selfish.”

[ce-leee]

“I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I’m afraid I’ll stutter.”

— Ned Vizzini, It’s kind of a funny story

[ce-leee]

The day I realized you stopped caring about me was the day I noticed you stopped asking me how I felt, how my day was or what I was gonna do that weekend. And my heart dropped so low I think it fell out of my chest because I haven’t felt anything but pain and emptiness ever since.

-

[ce-leee]

the hardest thing i had to do this year was not to remember you as the person who loved me in ways no one else ever had before but to remember you as the person who left me broken in ways i didn’t think i could break.

it doesn’t matter how you loved me, it matters how you left me.

[ce-leee]

“Being in love with someone that you know will never reciprocate the same feelings for you is absolutely agonizing. But, what’s even worse is them not knowing the fondness you have for them. Why? Because, they will always unintentionally break your heart over and over again.”

[ce-leee]

"But maybe I just failed to love you." she said, barely smiling. "Maybe no matter how hard I try, I just can't love you like the way you wanted me to."

I wasn't that enough, was I? // ma.c.a

[ce-leee]

i’m so in love with you but i can’t say that yet

i hope i make it obvious ( @late-nights-and-daydreams )

[ce-leee]

distancing myself from

you is like trying to stop breathing

[ce-leee]

Sometimes people exist just for you to have a good time with and then move on from. And once you can accept that, it makes everything a lot easier, because a lot of happiness stems from managing expectations. The reason we get hurt so much is because we have a good time with someone and then we obsess- waiting for them to text us, wanting to see them again, stalking them, picturing our life with them- and then when we find out they don’t want exactly what we do, we’re crushed. But really, they don’t owe us a future or anything at all, they don’t even owe us a text the next day. And I’ve come to accept that sometimes a good time can just be a good time, without the promise of a future, and that’s fine.

[ce-leee]

some days i think it’s better that you don’t know how much i actually like you but on other days i wanna look you dead in the eye and tell you about every little thing that made me think of you

[ce-leee]

“No offense but fuck You for using me to make you happy until you felt like you didn’t need me anymore and left me wondering where I went wrong.”

[ce-leee]

“This is the problem with getting attached to someone. When they leave, you just feel lost.”

—

[ce-leee]

It is strange that I don’t cry for you anymore. Instead, now I mourn a new love that I used to replace you. Oh how the universe hates me.

[ce-leee]

“i wanted to be the person you couldn’t live without but it looks like you’re doing fine.”

— B.M. 

[ce-leee]

“We bury things so deep we no longer remember there was anything to bury. Our bodies remember. Our neurotic states remember. But we don’t.”

— Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?

[ce-leee]

“Afterwards, tell him something for me. Tell him I’m sorry I wasn’t always honest; looking back, though, it seemed we were bound to break anyway. Remind him he can’t stop fighting; he has to remember the promises he gave me. And if you could remember one more thing: Just tell him thank you. He shone with the most awestriking shade of sunshine yellow I’ve ever seen, and yet he still chose to walk through my darkness with me.”

— that kind of love was beautiful, even if we couldn’t last (1/10/18)