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Officially in my quiet era, i don't have much to say about anything anymore. It is what it is and life goes on.

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notes don’t have to be pretty, but coffee and matcha do 🍵

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i hauve a cold

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waiting for sunnier days ;

it’s been a long time since i posted here (or many places to be fair). i’ve always wanted to be able to keep up with social media but with everything else that has (or rather hasn’t) happened in my life over the last few years it feels a little odd. i have many more thoughts about it but i’ll save those for another day, if they ever make it out of the pages of my journal ♡

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Breakfasts in Garden Centres

Does anyone ever know how to grieve?

To me, family has always been made. I have grown up with my paternal side of the family being ‘not actually my uncle’ uncle, ‘not biologically but’, it was normal to me. My biological grandfather passed away long before the existence of my brother, let alone me, he exists to me solely through stories and photographs. 

Instead, I have a Mike. Mike has been family long before I was born. Mike is all I’ve ever really known. Mike has always been sick. I’ve known that for as long as I can remember, my mum’s voice would echo in my head– “don’t play around too much with Mike, his lungs don’t work quite like yours.” We were good, Mike would take us around garden centres, talk to me about plants, spot fish in the ponds and hold my brother back from trying to climb in. Even at 20, Mike and I would still get lost in garden centres, eventually making it back to the others who’d already made it most of the way through their first coffee. Mike would help me choose my breakfast, we’d always go to the counter and order together. It was routine. 

I wonder if others feel a sense of regret when someone they love passes– do we all naturally feel this with loss? I wish I hadn’t slept in that time and still went to breakfast, I wish I had stopped by their house more often, I wish I had spent more time with him in the last few years. I would do anything to have one more garden centre breakfast. But I know there’s no use in feeling frustrated with my younger self, even the me of six months ago. Or feeling envy of those times younger me took for granted, that the me of now will never get to experience again. 

Grief, to me, is love and memories. I am grieving for the man who loved me as a granddaughter, who I loved as a grandfather– even though we are not biologically related. The man I have built so many memories with in my (not quite) 21 years of living, the man who will live on in my memories. My grief is dotted around. It lives the spotting of fish. It lives in my houseplants, the ones he helped choose. It lives in our favourite sweets. It lives in emails, stolen marshmallows and Christmas gatherings and warm hugs.

It lives in garden centre breakfasts. 

Shawna Lemay wrote in Transactions With Beauty, Gifts and Limitations:

 “Although I love flowers very much, I won't see them when I'm gone. So in lieu of flowers:  Buy a book of poetry written by someone still alive, sit outside with a cup of tea, a glass of wine, and read it out loud, or silently, by yourself, or to someone. … In lieu of flowers,  I would wish for you to flower.  I would wish for you to blossom, to open, to be beautiful. I would wish for you to align your soul, for a time, with flowers.” 

 In lieu of flowers, here’s to more garden centre breakfasts. 

 Beginnings are hard. 

 Beginnings are hard, thank you Substack. I have been flicking back and forth over starting this page for… probably 6 months, finally started to set it up a month ago and at long last, we made it. And yes, I am aware I am cross-posting this to tumblr. I thought I would give it a go on both, as I’m trying something a little new here to my content online entirely. 

I never imagined this would be my first post. I had hoped this wouldn’t be something I would write until, at the very least, the Summer but instead on this rainy Sunday in March I am saying good bye. I am lucky I have not experienced grief many times in my life thus far, and so I am learning how to navigate it, one step at a time. 

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rice fills me with joy and happiness, but more importantly it fills me with rice

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Energy Management

A human-based organization method

click on images for better resolution; images also available here (link to google drive)

Other posts that may be of interest:

Getting stuff done: How to deal with a lack of motivation

Flexible time-blocking: A more breathable way to get things done

The ABCDE Method

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Is it just me or is anybody starting to feel like uhhh. maybe it wont pass

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life just feels a little more exhausting lately.

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mental state: “not to be dramatic, but i wanna die” on loop in my head

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A brand new study corner full of sun lights✨

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being in ur twenties is just [drinks coffee] [has an existential crisis] [goes out for brunch for self care]

ig: @studylustre

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—Lilllium, from In Place Of The Mirror is a Portait of You

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