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[celestialpotat0]

Plumas + northern Tahoe National Forests

I'd never explored this particular area of the northern Sierra Nevada mountains before, so was excited to check out a new section of the mountain range that I return home to over and over again.

Hours away from the nearest toilet while hiking, I was squatting down to pee in the forest and as I was peeing and trying not to get any piss on my shoes or shorts, I felt sharp bite or sting on my butt and I yelped out loud and shot upward from my hiding spot behind the large boulder as an involuntary reaction to the pain. An insect had taken that opportunity to bite my bare, exposed ass close to the ground. Damn, they're quick.

We arrived to the campsite on Thursday night around 10:45pm after a very long and very windy road. The first thing i wanted to do upon arrival was pee. I went to the vault toilet at the campground and there was a spider that wouldn't budge on the toilet seat. i spent time trying to get it to scurry away; the spider won lol.

the camp host was cold and unfriendly on the first day; he did not respond to any of the times i greeted him. no smile, no wave, no word from him. but i kept smiling and waving at him every single time we crossed paths, out of instinct and habit. on the last day i was minding my own business keeping to myself walking along the road, and he took the initiative to introduce his granddaughter to and converse with me (but not any of the other people around me). i was surprised. in the years immediately out of my 3 years spent being an RA, i felt good about my people skills. my confidence waned over the years since i didnt practice those skills. at some point i started to almost always forget i was an RA since i dont feel like it's in my modern identity and daily behavior anymore. what i mean by that is that i wish i were still like my old RA self, but i am more insecure now, so it doesn't come as naturally to me anymore as it did before to be gregarious and warm. i have never been outgoing or extroverted, but i find that as i've gotten older it's required more effort than it used to. it was probably that grandparents love any excuse they can get to talk about their grandkids rather than my efforts at friendliness that converted him to open up to me lol. regardless, earning the trust and camaraderie of the camp host over time reminded me that it is in my nature to try to make people feel comfortable, and why i fundamentally appreciate connections with other humans even if theyre strangers i'll never meet again. even if people are cold to me, i should continue to treat them nicely.

camping is my routine practice in discipline. there's a lot of labor around the campground when just two people. makes you not take amenities for granted. allows me to lower my standards for day-to-day life. on the drive back to the bay area we used the bathroom at a random gas station. prior to the camping trip when i had had this past year of getting used to amenities of civilization i wouldve refused to use that bathroom in those conditions, wouldve just walked right back out and been like i'll hold it in and take the UTI heh. it was extremely dirty but since it was my first flush toilet in a handful of days i felt like a queen in that gas station bathroom and was grateful for the luxury.

the moments that trigger an emotional response enough to be stored in your memory are usually when you have an unexpected pleasant experience that wasnt in your plans. that special moment on this trip, the moment you think to yourself, "it was ALL WORTH IT for this," was when i stumbled upon fields of diverse species of wildflowers blanketing the slope of the mountain on either side of the hiking trail. like even if nothing else good happens on this trip, it will still have been worth it for this alone. endless butterflies whirred around me and the colorful flowers; the collective buzzing sound of too many bees to count gave a magnetic vibration and pulse in the air. i felt so harmonious with the butterflies and the busy bees hard at work. the scene around me throbbed with vitality and bursted with blooming flowers and flying insects making their presence known. i was fortunate enough to witness nature's version of a bustling street market where all these living creatures gather and interact. and no mosquitoes there booyah it was miraculous

was able to see the milky way in the night sky sitting on camp chair craning neck holding the weight of my head until they hurt but relished the view so much didnt want to avert gaze.

i rafted the american river two times 3 years apart and it was noticeably more dirty/polluted this year. thank goodness for all those remote, glacially-carved lakes on this trip still having crystal clear water. restores my faith and hope a little bit.

this particular campsite was way more buggy than the campsites of my past. everywhere were copious giant ants, spiders, moths, mosquitos, yellow jackets, stick insects, and all kinds of other bizarre and unusually-shaped insects. but when there are numerous bugs everywhere you look and they are sharing their home with you, it is precisely because there are too many of them that you don't care. because if you cared about each one, the brain would become too overloaded, and you don't have that capacity. so you end up just nonchalantly shrugging off all of the insects. the reality of having too many problems and nuisances makes you apathetic to all of them. i realized on this trip that i need to apply this analogy to problem of the neverending list of tasks to do in my life back from vacation. just bundle them all together and not allow that to cloud my joy for living.

[celestialpotat0]

Return to Climbing

the pics in these posts are an amalgamation of a few random times in the past and not from the specific events described in the text (bc i dont have any pics from those times) lol. im planning on incorporating photos in most of my posts going forward because i like having a visual to accompany the large blocks of text on this page.

When I moved to the bay, i realized that out of my many different interests maybe it would be more rewarding to invest more time into only 1 interest and sacrifice the rest.

the last time i had gone climbing in socal, i unexpectedly fell from near the top while bouldering, was in shock on the way down. it scared me to know i could have landed badly and hurt myself very seriously. i felt lucky and aware i definitely could've hurt myself worse.

that didn't make me want to stop climbing, but it was one consideration that influenced me to decide that i will devote more of my limited time to dance instead of climbing. i dont want to hurt people who love me, because realistically, climbing puts one's safety at risk. so i reunited with my love of dance and performed dance again in a few shows, opportunities for which i feel so grateful.

but earlier this month I finally put on my climbing shoes and chalk bag that had been collecting dust in the Bay Area when i sacrificed climbing for dance. i returned to climbing and i dont think i will ever be able to part with climbing, the same way i wont be able to ever stop dancing either. i love being on the rocks secluded away from and above the rest of the world. you leave it all behind and all you have is the breeze, the hard rock making your hands calloused, and good company. the noise from the world below is faint at best. when you're back on the ground after a climb, you sit down on the dirt or nearby rocks to give your feet a break from painfully tight climbing shoes. trying to have your muscles rest and recover as fast as they can for another intense attempt.

when hiking and surrounded by wilderness, im looking at the big picture. you dont have to think to walk, so you observe all of your surroundings. when on the rock and surrounded by nature, youre entirely focused on holding yourself up and fighting against gravity, clinging to the wall and gripping with all of your might. a stray thought could seriously risk your safety. a hike is relaxing, and a climb is intensely focused. feeling connected to our earth enhances both mental states.

my return to climbing was only indoor climbing, which is still so much fun as a method of training for outdoor climbing. it's easy to become obsessive over sending a route. i enjoy how it tests my mental and physical willpower. sometimes i start to doubt whether i'll send, my muscles are shaking, i don't know if my grip is going to fail me, but then when i fight for it and accomplish something difficult, it feels satisfying. i have a newfound fear of falling though since i returned to bouldering post-fall, so ive been more cautious, which undoubtedly hinders my explosiveness and willing to reach when i fatigue. trying to work on finding a balance between being aware of my physical limits and pushing the boundaries to advance my physical limits.

[celestialpotat0]

Kick Off Summer '24

a few weekends ago ended up being a kickoff to summer in the best way possible.

worked til 10pm on Friday night, then left home at 11pm and drove out 2.5 hours friday to arrive at the hotel ~1:30am, then drove an additional 40 minutes saturday to get to the whitewater rafting launch spot. the sun scorched my skin like i was being grilled alive; the temperature PERFECT for jumping into the river.

i had actually not planned on going bc it was going to be rushed and the weekend would not be relaxing. but i ended up changing my mind and going -- i have to take advantage of what little time i have to do the things i love. spending time on the river is always worth it. i would pay a lot of money and drive far even for just a few precious hours of floating on the water away from any roads and cars and cell phones. feel so alive when youre experiencing something that you dont want to end and trying to soak it all in because you know it will have to end soon.

when i jumped into the river, we got to a certain point where the river current was the strongest that i'd ever been swimming in a river. i was not doing anything yet current was moving me pretty quickly downstream. i eventually had to swim back to the raft and swimming against the current felt so futile haha. ken, vinci, karyn, sally, and their guide all fell into the river at some point after hitting rocks. there was a moment when i nearly fell in as well after hitting a rock but lodging my foot into the raft deeper saved me from going overboard.

afterward i drove one hour to get to elk grove. drove through the winding, curvy, one-lane-each-way road surrounded by trees on either side, listening to rock music of the 90s and 2000s. the heat against my skin, wearing the same clothes i've worn driving for many a summer road trip, synthetic fabrics tank top and shorts and sandals, no makeup on, hair wet from river water and then dried, sunblock greased on. surrounded by nature on a narrow road, the heat magnified through the windows, music for entertainment, giving myself permission to take that day off--pure bliss. it must be in my dna to embrace hot weather, being a daughter of two people who were born and raised in south Vietnam, then being born in LA as the year was heating up and being scheduled PE class after lunch too many times and growing up walking around my hometown in the afternoons.

spent time at my cousin karyn's house that evening. i helped to chop veggies and prepare dinner while occasionally snacking on some spinach flatbread, samosa, and a little bit of white wine.

was rafting with audrey. i was 13 when my cousin's daughter (technically cousin-once-removed, but i prefer to call her a niece instead) audrey was born, and she is about to start her freshman year at Berkeley this fall. we also spent the day with her prom date and partner, jayden. he'll be attending college in a different part of the state than her. talking to her, it was impossible to not recall that time in my life having graduated high school and about to start undergrad, since she is currently experiencing that summer. that was a time that was so ripe with change and new experiences. i am so happy for her, for all of the joy and all of the transformation and the beauty that life has to offer her this year and the next few. and i hope that no matter what hurdles hurtle toward her, she will look back at her 18-year-old self when she's 32 and be grateful for how they helped her grow.

so i also have to trust that these tribulations that hurt me the most now are also helping to strengthen me. they give me an opportunity to prove my resilience. the bad helps me value even more the good.

it's been 10 years since i graduated undergrad and 14 years since i graduated high school.

well, fuck.

the youngest there was stanley and it made me sad to think how quickly he's going to grow up, how childhood is so ephemeral, and before i know it he wont be a child anymore, and how finite the number of times are that i'll get to interact w/ him as a child.

time flies and you'll never get to relive the past. but being sad at something ending is a blessing because it means you experienced something so beautiful. which proves that the good outweighs the bad.

the next day we walked through a lowrider block party and got tamales and aguas frescas. the 100-degree heat and the sun burned my flesh just the way i like it. we then went to the California State Railroad Museum.

after that weekend, summer has been consumed by work and never having 2 consecutive days off from work in the span of a month. but on the bright side, cash shmoney is nice and i enjoy the work itself and the living community.

"Your hard work is the dream of every unemployed person." -Someone wise

i have to keep telling myself this. not sure if it's healthful to convince myself of this or if im supposed to be fighting for better work-life balance. but we're gonna roll with it that persuading myself of the bright sides is the right thing to do.

[celestialpotat0]

'Cause baby, you're a fiiiiiiiirewooork

i spent the end of winter through the fourth of july being too busy to jot down anything; it whirred by and now we're in the heart of summer again. i romanticize summer so much but i guess it's one of the few things i get very excited about anymore these days so i guess i should embrace my hype rather than subdue it.

i worked 2:30-11pm on the fourth of july. i was able to take a break at about 10pm, when i went out to the balcony patio on the top floor of the hospital and watched fireworks from various different cities in the distance.

when i arrived to the patio i found jamil already there; he said if you close your eyes it sounds like you're in a war zone. the fireworks were audible but not loud, given how far away they were from us.

standing there at the hospital watching fireworks for about 10 minutes before i had to reluctantly return to work, i found myself pulled toward both ends of a glass half full vs empty analysis. at work i was busy and neutral, had been preoccupied and had forgotten, or at least not at the forefront of my mind, what i was missing out on.

half full: i was working a shift where i luckily had the freedom to take my break at that time where i could still catch the end of firework shows if i was lucky, so i felt grateful and happy when i took my break and ran to the top floor and saw fireworks still going on outside. had i been scheduled any other of the evening shifts, i wouldn't have been able to take that break time.

half empty: when i stood out there and i kept looking at my phone time to keep track of the minutes i had left before getting back to work, i couldnt help but feel disappointed that i was stuck at work afternoon and all evening on my favorite holiday. i wanted to be sitting in the cool evening air directly underneath the fireworks show, like all of those years of tradition.

i oscillated between these two feelings, but was ultimately grateful and thought it couldve been worse, i couldve not had a break at all.

in the past year ive really felt the duality of so many aspects of my life. four new friends i made moved back to their home country this past month. it's of course sad because what used to be seeing them regularly this past year has now become the reality of seeing them probably only a handful of random occasions throughout the next many years. but i also think back to the circumstances of how we met and how easily we might have not become friends, had we chosen to ignore each other instead of chat with each other. my sadness exists now only because of the good that was created from befriending them and fortuitous circumstances.

i am done with residency with no kids in the near future, so i should be embracing this time with the most freedom, yet ironically i feel busier than ever. of course, im not as busy as during residency, but now i replace this free time with the obligation to cook (like when i have a day off i feel like i should meal prep for the next week of work)/meet up with friends long overdue every time/address finances, work emails and competencies, write thank yous, respond to texts, and the endless tasks on my to do list/organize my apartment/etc. and i guess all the different obligations from all directions makes me feel busy. you make more work for yourself because you no longer have residency or school to focus on, and suddenly the other things seem pressing or like important tasks youre supposed to do. the more free time you have, the more you feel you oughta be filling that time with productive tasks.

the duality of feeling like writing my memories down in here is helping vs hurting my happiness. is writing this a waste of time in the sense that i could instead spend my precious time being productive and maybe ill be happier if i chip away at emails and organize my apartment to be closer to that long-awaited marvelous day when ill be at inbox 0 and finally have my apartment unpacked properly. so what if i never jot down any reflection; if so many other people don't journal and are perfectly content with that, maybe i should just forgo this too. how much do i really have to gain by writing in here?

i want to jot down my reflection of the past few months on my strongest paddleboarding in austin, really appreciating the time i had with amazing company in austin, the life-changing kaiseki in japan, learning that choosing giant sequoias is always the right choice, icy trails in yosemite, my conversations with locals in japan, tidepooling on a day when the clouds cleared away to become sunny, hiking amongst redwoods with a friend, upholding my tradition of jumping into the river again this year. but at the same time i feel anxiety about what if it's pointless. what if im spending my precious time on NOT doing errands and writing in here but it will actually yield a net negative impact on my happiness, because this is not productive.

nobody cares, and an important lesson i have to learn is being okay with this. it could be worse :)

[celestialpotat0]

Shorebirds

My favorite place to get lobster rolls, the bread is toasty, full of fat and flavor, warm. Thick, large chunks of lobster fill the sandwich with a subtle sweetness. We were sitting outside chatting for a while, so the drawn butter solidified, and I was not able to pour the no-longer-liquid butter onto the lobster roll. The potato chips were satisfyingly thick and substantial yet ultra crispy. Lan was so kind as to buy the lobster roll meal for me. 

I had to go home to start packing in order to catch a flight that departed in a few hours, but the irresponsible, procrastinating (dominant) side of me wanted to head to the bay shoreline first. Lan kept asking if I was sure because we didn’t have to and she didn’t want me to rush before my flight, but I insisted that I wanted to. Lan and I walked along the shoreline and watched some of the shorebirds. It had been rainy recently but the skies decided to finally clear up that day. Crisp day in the heart of winter in the San Francisco Bay Area, cool but not cold. 

One of my favorite birds that hangs out in the bay is the willet; they are plain gray-colored and abundant. However, once in a while you can catch a sight of them in flight, when they reveal underneath their spread wings a bold black and white wing pattern that’s absolutely stunning. It’s a beautiful contrast that is only apparent when they show a side of them underneath the surface. 

I admired a truly gorgeous snowy egret pretty close to me and watched it walk around on the rocks for a while. I was so excited when I saw an osprey dive toward the water and pick up a fish and fly away with it. There were northern shovelers everywhere in the water as well. 

One of the redeeming qualities about the Bay Area is that getting to the shore of the bay is so close and easy, and there's always a plethora of birds everywhere there to marvel at. We watched plane after plane land at SFO. We chatted for a while with an elderly woman with whom we crossed paths; she was birdwatching for fun and is involved with the Sequoia Audubon Society. I got a card from her and may try to go on a trip with them. 

Glad that I decided to take a detour to stroll somewhat aimlessly by the water before going home to pack and going to the airport. A short period free of the mental and emotional clutter that seems to occupy me regularly. 

Probably one of the things that made me most happy in terms of cooking lately is also extremely simple: heating oil in a hot skillet, adding spicy 豆瓣酱 (really, any chili instead will also do), garlic, scallions, and LOTS of ginger until fragrant. Just that simple flavor combination alone brought me so much pure joy, maybe because of the nostalgia of growing up eating that. Ate so many good homemade meals lately such as duck and red wine ragu simmered for hours and left overnight before eating, miso-glazed black cod, tiramisu, dan dan mian with its fermented ingredients and salty preserved vegetables, shrimp in Creole sauce, etc. but the simple ginger/garlic/scallion/chili in oil combination just hits different. Comfort in a familiar staple.

I’ve been exercising a lot in February, and it feels so rewarding when I’m surprised by how not tired or fatigued I am now when doing exercises that I definitely remember feeling lots of pain from in the past. 

Life is way too short. I’m just trying to bring positivity to others, as well as treasure the people in my life who are so giving of their time, friendship, love, and care to me. I should be happy for opportunities to help others.

[celestialpotat0]

Memories 2023 Part 1

Jan: i ring in the new year counting down to midnight at work. i try various new hip hop classes with different instructors, terrified i'll show up and be the only student. there were times i've shown up, been one of two students, and was told "this is gonna be an improv class" and im like fuuuuuuuc---- and i end up just having to improv and of course looking like a dying cockroach every time. i leave hip hop class dripping in sweat and feeling alive. reminded me of the days (long ago) id walk around all day in baggy sweaters and baggy sweats over my leotards/tights/leggings and never cared about how i looked like a slob because i felt so fulfilled emotionally and physically fit and was so assured of my happiness

Feb: pouring rain again after many weeks of heavy rains. sit down to an exquisite Cal-Indian meal with people who are also passionate about food. we all make enough money now that we can order way more than we would've been able to as students, which is when we first met. the flavors, richness, textures, temperatures of the various dishes, all topped off with a cocktail. we earned this and we are eating well and i realize that i can have experiences now that were so out of reach to me growing up. i never got to experience fine dining growing up.

Mar: late at night wandering by myself on the cruise, stumble upon singers and musicians performing at the pub. i'm completely sober, plop down by myself at a table in the front and center, sip on my water. there are only a few people in the audience; i feel sorry for the performers about the low turnout. everyone else still awake at that hour is at the raunchy adult-themed game show or casino instead. but i am so damn glad im at this humble, small, low-key performance; i get the sense that the others who also chose to stay here are kindred spirits who want to feel music. my senses are heightened, though maybe that's because i'm nervous, self-conscious, exhilarated, out of my comfort zone. the talent is so genuine, artists who work hard. music is one of the simplest joys, part of what makes life worth living. fully immersed in the sounds, i sing along to covers of janis joplin, prince, eagles, etc. until the show is over. my family's asleep, nobody can reach me because i have no reception out at sea. nobody knows where i am, so it is just me and the music and a small group of individuals who chose to be there of all activities on the ship. starting to think maybe i shouldnt drink at all for more events, because i feel like my memory is crystal clear and sharp and i was able to soak every sense into my memory more because i didn’t drink at all

Apr: watch bats fly out as day turns to night

May: wore a heart rhythm monitor for 14 days that my physician prescribed, distinctly remember an episode of the palpitations being particularly bad. when the report was published it was cool to see episode of SVT measured and graphed on the report and HR 179 bpm even though I was just sitting at the time and hadn't been exercising before that. in awe of technology and all of the knowledge accumulated and passed on for humans to invent that

June: solitary walk from tent to roaring river at sunrise

[celestialpotat0]

I'm definitely old now

In 2023 I struggled to reconcile my desire to stay out late at night and make memories with my desire to have a restful sleep schedule. In my 20s I would regularly leave the house after 11pm because many spots and events don't get lit til around 12am. In 2023 I think I pretty much always chose sleep over staying up. Was supposed to go clubbing for my friend's birthday party, and I really wanted to go. But I probably wouldn't have been home til 3am, which would inevitably cause me to wake up early to go into work after some sleep-deprived days. I'd risk making mistakes at work or thinking too slowly at work, which could cause patient harm. Then I'd go home from work and be too tired to meal prep, work out, clean, study, etc. so that day would be wasted. And it'd take prob a few days to correct the 1 night of staying up too late. So i told him wouldnt be able to stay up late for clubbing, and in a way i shocked myself at how unfamiliar this new me is, given how much i loved going out dancing.

The Killers have a special place in my heart because their music transports me back to the middle school version of myself. I listened to Hot Fuss so many times in middle school and the drama spoke to my angsty, emotional, and insecure self. that younger version of me who constantly dreamed about a grander life. When they came to SF, I knew that it'd mean so much to go to their concert; I have this obsession with nostalgia and attaching sentimental significance to certain things so I can commemorate memories and try to relive or reexperience them. (yes i realize that was extremely redundant word choice but idc bc i gotta head into work in a bit.) But I decided with difficulty to miss their concert since I had early morning work the next day.

I have extra special fond memories of NYE in past years- gathering with lots of strangers, dancing, bundled up under thick layers and scarves to ring in the new year. in those moments that you're gathering and celebrating and chanting the last ten seconds of the year out loud in unison with everyone around you, you KNOW you're going to remember those exact moments of revelry and joy for years to come. but i turned down my friend's invitation to celebrate this year because i had work in the morning on New year's day.

These are just some examples of when me in my 20s might have leaned toward going. While I admit the clubbing may have been the pursuit of hedonism as dancing is joy found in a simple act of moving to music and allows me to leave all my worries behind off the dance floor, the concert was more about nostalgia and NYE was more about creating memories. In 2023, there were many other times when I consistently chose over and over again to NOT stay out late. Mainly because I felt an obligation to be responsible for my job. friend invited me to watch a movie that starts at 7pm next Friday--I told him I'll have to sit this one out because idk if i'll even be awake by the end of the movie.

a 7pm movie on a friday evening is too late for me now... welcome to my 30s.

I've recently started to reframe my perspective on getting older. im obviously starting to realize now that I feel way more wrecked on 5 hours of sleep than i used to. body aches appear spontaneously now. the appearance of my body and face is not what it used to be. but im actually really appreciating the present, because i think about how in my 40s I'm going to WISH I could be back in my 30s. And in my 50s I'm going to think man I really had it good in my 40s. So thinking of future me makes me appreciate the body I have today, and I actually feel grateful. I'm quite proud of shifting my perspective because when I was like 28-30 I used to feel miserable about the thought of getting older. I had best fully appreciate this time now, because it will slip away into the past, so I want to savor it all now while Im lucky enough to have it. i will say the weights ive been lifting have been the heaviest theyve ever been, so there are small victories.

My really dear friend is in her 90s and has sciatica. She has been in a lot of pain. But the other day I received a package from her in the mail. She'd sent me pecan pie and cookies. To know that she baked a pie and cookies and packaged them up and shipped them over to me from San Clemente, all despite her sciatica pain, is one of the most meaningful acts of kindness i've received. As i get older I also better understand just how much love is delivered through food. anyone who has cooked and prepared food for me, i realize how much it takes to do that and the abundance of love that is poured into and expressed through food. im so inspired and touched to witness that kindness and am grateful our paths crossed.

[celestialpotat0]

perspective

today my heart rate was up the whole day, i noticed i was breathing only shallow breaths. in this whole whirlwind of a day, I just want to take a moment at the end of the day to breathe. Perspective is important. None of my decisions are life/death. But there are people out there who are at risk of being murdered. I'm sitting here in my comfortable pjs, with a job, a safe home, access to fresh fruits and veggies, my life isn't in danger.

and i am truly grateful for the many people in my life who have reached out to me, this post is not a complaint at all about having to respond to friends' messages and find time in my schedule for plans. the people in my life are the most important part of my life and i welcome receiving texts, calls, and invitations to hang out. i just might not be able to respond right away, or i might have a hard time finding a time that works in my calendar, but i do truly love hearing from friends and spending time with them. just have a lot on my plate right now, especially when i only get 1 day off at a time, and i need to spend that 1 day off figuring out breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the next 6 consecutive days when im working and trying to fit in appointments on that day too.

I would like to recall a recent pleasant experience, aside from being safely sheltered. nicole invited me to hang out with her, and i suggested hiking as the activity. at the time i asked, i remember saying "we can totally do something else instead if you prefer!" because there are people who dislike hiking. i remember at the time i asked, i was uncertain whether she was the type of person who would like or dislike hiking. ended up hiking with nicole and renee and from the first moments we stepped onto the trail, i knew immediately they not only were fine with hiking but they wholeheartedly appreciated nature as deeply as i do, and it was so wonderful to hike that day with kindred souls in that sense. they were the ones who were pointing out trees and plants and marveling and complimenting nature the same way i do, except they did it before i even revealed any part of myself to be like that. they were oohing and aahing at a tree here, a branch there, acorns, leaves. the same genuine awe that i feel.

it's amazing to hike with people who share my fascination with the tangled silhouette of branches, a soft bed of ferns, multicolored hues of dried grasses, different shapes of leaves and acorns, different textures of leaves be it leathery, feathery, rough, sharp.

it was a much-needed escape to feel so present there, outside with open air and only wilderness all around me, again that special and rare feeling when you're so grateful you're there in that moment instead of somewhere else. on top of that, we passed by only one person on the entire hike, and it was incredible to be away from foot traffic. afterward, we drove through a winding, dim road with redwoods towering above us and ended up at a random community park to picnic, was still quiet and far away from the bustle of traffic. enjoyed hearing about their multi-day canoeing/camping trips.

i can be a negative person sometimes. every once in a while i need to reset and remind myself of the beautiful world and my blessings. i need to work on being more patient, less annoyed, more understanding, more humble.

this line from an opinion piece published yesterday in NYTimes resonated with me. for me to remember: "Most people — maybe more than you think — are peace- and love-seeking creatures who are sometimes caught in bad situations. The most practical thing you can do, even in hard times, is to lead with curiosity, lead with respect, work hard to understand the people you might be taught to detest." -David Brooks

[celestialpotat0]

Oct-Nov up until thanksgiving will be a time to focus on appreciating the good in the mundane, as I am not taking any pto throughout this time. in a span of 8 weeks, there are only 3 instances during this time when i have two consecutive days off.

had received two handmade necklaces from patient's family, before he had transitioned to hospice. back when there was still the hope and the fight. i wont go into details, but eventually cancer hadn't responded fully to chemo and wouldn't have been able to tolerate the required chemo and wasn't a candidate for another stem cell transplant, plan shifted to focus on comfort care. after that, i trained myself/mentally prepared for when my patient would pass away. the only way to get through this job is to desensitize oneself. can't let it affect you, can't think about it too deeply, have to push away thoughts and emotions. otherwise, if i really allow myself to feel the pain of every single person's death, i would be in deep grief and depression.

but i clasp tightly onto the necklaces, determined to remind myself to appreciate my chance to live. life is extremely unfair. and i happen to be so lucky. there is grief when i look at and hold the necklaces, but there is also beauty in their gift. that a family who experienced so much sadness would still take the time to brighten the lives of others, and their gift improves me and my life.

in washington, while my friends were indoors, i stayed outside and danced with my friend's aunts, uncles, cousins, parents. they were dancing to latin bangers and that's where i wanted to be. it's true the best things in life are free. i loved connecting to others via music and movement. the sheer joy of simply moving to latin music was an opportunity to embrace connecting to strangers. indoors, they were connecting via conversation, which is totally valid as well. but at that particular time, i preferred dance and music as my means to find our common humanity.

it brought back memories of my 20s in LA when a number of my Mexican friends would have parties. we'd stand in circles in their backyards and blast music and we'd just dance the entire time, and there was always Latin music (interspersed with hip hop and 80s). those were some of my best memories of my 20s because we all loved to dance and sing along and live in the music. then there i was in 2023 dancing to some of the same songs except this time in a different state with strangers who were mostly Ecuadorean (among other Latin American countries of origin) instead of my Mexican friends from LA. yet no matter where we are from, the shared joy from dancing can bring us together. also, specifically in your friend's backyard, everyone there is someone you can trust and feel safe with, not necessarily true in a club.

saw a garter snake on a hike. they're very common and i've seen them before, but i always treasure seeing wildlife that i dont get to see everyday. guided tour in the Museum of Flight was another memorable point.

Angel Island was amazing and it was moving to be in the same place where the Chinese Exclusion Act was enforced and played a major role in the Asian experience there. i was inspired by the Chinese immigrants who endured so much there and the myriad of emotions they must've felt arriving there. the racism they had to face. segregation, interrogation, deplorable conditions. ill have to write another time about when i witnessed racism affecting my dad.

learned to play bocce for the first time on saturday night, my friend has a bocce court where he lives. hooray for learning new fun games.

little moments of summer that i appreciated: sipping on gin and tonic assembled at home by the pool with no plans for a few hours in the early evening. feeling myself getting stronger in regards to workouts. barbecues, craft cocktail fairs, dinners, walks with good company. the peace and quiet of having respectful neighbors and being able to sleep for 10+ hours a day on some days.

[celestialpotat0]

Perseid Meteor Shower

Drove out about an hour from where i live to seek dark skies for the peak of the perseid meteor shower, which coincided with good moon conditions for viewing. I had to be up at 5am the next morning for work, so I watched it from ~12:30am-2am instead of the pre-dawn hours. unfortunately couldnt escape the light pollution (didn't have time to drive farther out than an hour each way) so the skies were not as dark as i had hoped. but i still saw 13 meteors and it was so worth it.

plopped down in darkness on my blanket on the ground, i didn't even think about where i was lying down because i was so preoccupied with trying to spot meteors. i heard bugs buzzing in my ears the whole time, and i felt things biting me... but in the darkness if you dont see the bugs, you dont think too much about them.

the next day i had more than 50 large bug bites (not exaggerating at all) despite wearing tight long sleeve shirt and tight leggings and socks and had NOT felt any bugs crawling underneath my leggings. i have no earthly idea what bit me or how, but im thinking i must have lay down right on some kind of colony of insects or something in the dark. i still have bite scars almost a month later. i try to never take medication unless necessary, and i had to take an antihistamine just to function because of the itching. i have NEVER taken any kind of allergy medication ever in my life before this except when i legitimately had hives all over my body once. i actually had so many bites that i got pest control to come over to my apartment, and they confirmed i do NOT have any bed bugs. so the bites had to have been from the meteor shower viewing.

i say that just to point out that 1) i will look where i lie down next time, and 2) the meteor shower was still worth it.

for 1.5 hours we just looked at the sky. i didnt pull my phone out during the entire time because any time you look at a bright light, your ability to see meteors diminishes since it's imperative that your eye sight adjusts to the darkness. didnt spot meteors as frequently as i'd hoped, but the pleasure is so simple, gazing into the sky. when youre hyperfocused on the singular task of spotting a meteor, everything else melts away. and that task is a wonderful thing to be focused intensely on, instead of being focused on things such as worrying about the future or feeling anxious or overwhelmed by all the tasks you have to complete.

when you go out there, you're giving yourself permission to do nothing, because you can't do any work or errands out there. whereas when you're in your wifi-connected house, you have a bunch of things you could and should be doing to be productive.

13 meteors in 1.5 hours entails a lot of waiting and waiting. when im forced to wait in line at the grocery store or in the dentist's office, etc i always use that time to be productive; most of the time i try to respond to texts during those moments so that i'm not "wasting" time. but this time, i just waited. Glad that i took a night to marvel at how pretty meteors are and be outside in awe of the natural universe.

in other news, i went to washington, still haven't unpacked apartment, tried to desensitize myself after my patient passed away from cancer. i have two hand-made necklaces gifted from his family.

[celestialpotat0]

recent gratitude list

sat with matt, edwin, and scott at Taylor Swift's concert. in my last post i just wanted to jot down my ranking of her albums prior to attending the concert to compare if my ranking would change afterward. Eras tour taught me a lesson to be more grateful and fully appreciate every moment as I'm living in it. before the show, i didn't feel excited for some reason. during the show, i was cramped, the stranger next to me kept sneezing and coughing on me, and i didn't enjoy hearing the audience screaming so loudly that i couldn't even hear Tay singing. the person in front of me was very distracting, and she grabbed my beer and tried to drink it. i had paid an obscene amount for terrible cold hot dog and fries. i know i sound extremely negative but it was the truth of what was distracting me in the moment.

it took me a little bit to get over all the unpleasant things but by the time we'd reached the evermore era i was fully immersing myself into 1000% enthusiastically dancing and singing along and not giving a F about any of the negative things. which is a shame bc the lover and fearless eras are amazing and i enjoyed them during the concert, but was still trying to adapt/get over the distractions at that point, grew progressively more carefree during evermore, but it prob wasn't until reputation that i had reached my full-forced frenzy of completely rocking out in my trance-like state. and no, i did not do drugs. all it took to feel euphoric was the concert itself!

i had so many blissful times during that concert. it's true what they say, it's a surreal, out-of-body experience. like whoa did i actually just watch this legend perform live in front of my eyes. so many songs when nothing else mattered and i was ecstatic to be there in the cool summer night screaming out the songs in my feelings and knowing i was privileged to be there and reminiscing about my youth. and afterwards i felt like all i want is to be there to experience it all over again, so that i might absorb it all more, take it all in more, seal my senses that night more tightly in my memory.

the eras tour was a prime example of my erroneous behavioral habits. i tend to focus on the negatives in the moment, then afterward in retrospect i wish i had embraced the experience more. constantly going through life thinking of the struggles, but then looking back and wishing i appreciated the experiences more, if only i could have seen all the beauty.

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i've gone to the pool every weekend for the past 4 weekends, plus again on tuesday. for the first two weeks i swam laps in the 25-meter pool, another time i stood in the pool and read, another time hung out with friends while catching some rays and drinking homemade frozen strawberry daiquiri and hard cider by the pool. this last time just swam laps. consistently taking the time to slow down, however irresponsible it may be to neglect homework and errands, but enjoying the sun's heat burning my skin and sweating profusely. can it always be summer.

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andrew gave cathy, matt, and me a tour of meta's campus and we dined and drank there. we played DDR and perused many libraries. i was EXTREMELY sleep deprived that day but hopefully it didn't show. the sun set in a pink and lavender sky as we walked across the lush garden rooftop and looked out into the distance into the expanse.

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when i was 14, i discovered taylor swift and spent god knows how long downloading her songs from questionable sources onto my ipod mini. i sang along to debut and fearless in the shower throughout high school. i was also 14 (or 15? don't remember) when i created a facebook account. times were much simpler and life was good. nostalgia for the bubble of arcadia high and the first iteration of fb that i experienced. but as favorable as my impression of the past is, objectively 31 year old me lives a better life; i just watched taylor in concert w/o blinking an eye at the cost, and i just spent an evening on meta's campus for leisure. 14 year old me woulda never imagined. so this is a reminder to myself about how i should open my eyes more everyday to how fantastic life is at 31. taylor swift has built a successful empire from (rather) humble beginnings, and i am so happy for her. i am lucky to have amassed treasured experiences, managed to find some true friends, and no longer have to worry about being able to afford things, which I worried about when I was growing up.

[celestialpotat0]

Taylor Swift albums

ranked from my favorite (top) to least favorite (bottom)

Red (2012)

Fearless (2008)

Lover (2019)

evermore (2020)

reputation (2017)

Debut (2006)

1989 (2014)

folklore (2020)

Speak Now (2010)

Midnights (2022)

[celestialpotat0]

july begins

When i last wrote in here, i was sad having had to leave the tahoe area knowing that it might possibly be my last trip into the mountains this summer. last chance to experience beautiful wilderness in all of summer's glory. and i ended my reflection with how i needed to turn to appreciating small, everyday occurrences.

so in the spirit of cherishing the ordinary life on the peninsula, away from my friends and family in socal, away from the frequent fun adventures of my 20s, and not being able to travel bc of working more than 40hrs a week lol, wanted to jot down favorite moments from last few weeks:

thinh's fourth of july bbq party at her house on 7/3. woke up the next day after the party with a headache from not drinking enough water the night before, i fail. it's been a cold summer, like why is it freezing outside at night in july. but i enjoyed meeting nice people, karaokeing was a blast, and am really happy to have such a wonderful person as a friend. we work at different hospitals but can relate in many ways. i've always considered summer to be full of events that break up the monotony of the rest of the year, and i'm happy this felt like that. instead of the new normal adulting summer when im no longer graduating anything or celebrating the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next

on 7/4 we went to a college campus on a hill and were able to see fireworks from foster city, redwood city, shoreline amphitheater, and more

dinner and drinks with lauren, doris, and chloe. it hasnt been easy leaving behind my friends in socal and moving to a new area; during the first part of my time here, there were occasions when i cried feeling lonely. ive really made an effort to use dance as a means to feel connected to others. you cant just expect friends to happen, you have to put in the work to build a community of support. i'm grateful to have found some ladies who share a love of dance. i like that we all come from different occupations and grew up in different parts of the world but can bond over participating in this art.

swam outdoors on a hot day in a 25-meter pool. free of electronics for an hour, just focused on each breath and motion to propel me through the water

moved into a new apartment. the novelty in and of itself is enough to make me happy, which says questionable things about me such as to what extent have i fallen victim to consumerism. at my previous apartment i never fully unpacked. i had plastic bags of stuff strewn haphazardly in bathroom cabinets. i kept prioritizing other things in my life over organizing my bathroom, closet, and pantry. but now everything in the bathroom is exactly where i want it to be. my small victory is so satisfying: unpacked and organized the bathroom completely. im not going to allow myself to travel until i fully organize the apartment this time.

I feel like it's the beginning of a new phase in the bay area. im getting more accustomed to work, and my commute is short now. i have a good amount of PTO planned. now have a list of activities that have been discussed to do with friends and the only problem is lack of free time--and lack of time is a better problem to have than lack of people who are willing to do them with you. im currently on a hiatus from scheduled dance, and for the time being im dancing only on a drop-in basis, which has actually been a huge sigh of relief; it's been good for my mental health to have less commitments on my plate. now my days off are actually days off where i can choose to dance if i want. while it's extremely rewarding to dance, not having any true days off (bc i would always have dance scheduled and mandatory on my days off from work) was detrimental and making me burnt out. in this new phase, i want to expect to travel less and say no more often and reserve time on my days off to be truly off.

[celestialpotat0]

Tahoe National Forest

After my trip to the Emigrant Wilderness in early June, I worked 7 nights of graveyard shifts and was rewarded with 7 days off afterward. Returned to the Sierras again because I mustn't squander summer days off. Jumped in the river again while whitewater rafting. for the first time ever, I was actually considering NOT jumping in, because I was the only person without a wetsuit on, and I questioned if it would really be worth the cold. But I thought yolo and jumped in and it was definitely worth it, worth the hours of shivering afterward on the ride back upstream to where we'd parked. even after i changed into dry clothes, I remained cold to the bone and couldn't shake off the residual chills late into the evening at the campsite hours later. I was feeling colder on the second night of camping even though I was wearing warmer layers the second night, and the temperature on the second night was warmer than the first night--because of the jumping in the river. But my stubbornness will have me convinced that it was still worth it.

after the first night of camping, i woke up naturally at around 4:50am and couldn't fall back asleep (post-graveyard-shifts sleep abnormalities). at sunrise I went for a solitary walk; not a single other person in the campground was outside their tent and i enjoyed having the morning and space to myself. the soft sunlight spread tints of dusty rose, pale blue, and faint orange all around me as i walked to the banks of the river. I appreciated the water's powerful sound that made the river mightier than the creeks I'm used to near cities. Stood by the river and embraced the opportunity to slow down. There was nothing else to do, no reception, no LTE, no wifi, no screen, just me and the river and lots of trees and some small birds darting quickly from shrub to shrub. after an hour i finally decided I had to get my toes to warmth. my toes felt as close to frostbitten as theyve ever felt but I had ignored it up until that point. even though I had a pair of thick socks on. I guess it wasn't enough. Went back to tent, put on a second pair of thick socks, zipped my mummy sleeping bag around me, and my toes were not warming up for the longest time. Been a surprisingly cold June this year, I suppose. Woke up later and my toes were warm again.

Some people spotted a Western tanager but by the time i looked in that direction it was out of sight. Bummed I didn't get a glimpse, but oh well.

Picnicked by lakes smaller than Tahoe with picturesque mountain slopes covered in pine green in the distance above the opposite shore of the lake, hiked along waterfalls on rivers on rivers, marveled at mountains worthy of being named "Granite Chief" marbled with white patches of snow.

I felt pain driving out of the Tahoe area on my last day. Leaving my home. I'm jealous my sister gets 2 entire months off every summer. It's my favorite season and I'm trying not to think that I'm wasting it. The older I get the less time I feel like I have. I can't spend the entire summer outdoors because I need to work lol. I'm trying to focus on the bright side. Thank you summer and Sierra Nevadas for restoring my soul. Now to turn toward appreciating the day-to-day.

[celestialpotat0]

Emigrant Wilderness

As much as I rave about the desert, I feel like I'm home when I'm in the Sierra Nevadas. I spent the weekend in the Emigrant Wilderness. Unfortunately multiple trailheads were closed due to snow.

But I was still able to hike through a land of scenic beauty, past meadows and granite walls and ridges. Bright sunlight shone beneath an azure sky through endless groves of green and yellow-green trees. Thanks to the massive snow melt this year, the river current was faster and stronger than I'd ever seen. In my photos, the still snapshot of the river actually looks like snow because it's full of rapids so looks completely white. But IRL you hear and see the loud and powerful current roaring down the mountain. Lethal beauty.

I decided to sit down on a rock to admire the river, and as I moved next to the rock, a snake slithered from beneath the rock and into sight, and I was able to watch the snake slither onto a nearby plant, across the rock, then hover its head above the water for a while. It was awesome, one of the closest times I've been to a wild snake. Good thing the snake decided to show itself before I sat down, though.

The hike that I did on Saturday I had to turn around at a certain point because the snow completely covered the landscape and I didn't have a trail map and compass with me to navigate and the trail was not visible. I kept going forward through the snow and moving onward until I hit a point where it just got too slippery and difficult to walk and was very uncertain where the trail was anymore, and I thought it'd be smarter to turn around while I could still have memory of how to retrace my steps since I had already walked for so long without knowing what the trail was. I almost got lost on the way back and had to stop to think and figure out the way to retrace my steps. There was a point when I took a step forward, and the snow was less packed and more melty than I realized, and the snow completely crumbled beneath me and my foot caved deep down into the snow and it was kind of difficult to pull my foot out of the hole I'd fallen into lol.

On Sunday I also had to turn around because this guy told us he'd seen a bear ahead on the trail, and we could hear thunder and see lightning. It had gotten very humid. The air was damp, sticky, and warm, and the grey clouds rolled in quick. So multiple signs telling us we should probably stop hiking.

I started my week off telling myself I would complete everything on my to-do list and reach inbox 0 for my work emails. I then spent my week off doing almost NONE of my to-do list. I just danced 7.5 hours over 3 days, planned for the wilderness, and went into the forest and mountains. I'm trying to convince myself I did the right thing. I could've wasted this week being productive: doing work, laundry, organizing the apartment, sending emails, making appointments... Instead, I didn't do any of that. I lived my life. And this how I get to 485 unread emails currently in my work inbox and how I still haven't fully moved my shit into my apartment 14 months after moving in lol.

In modern today they were rehearsing for the upcoming show, which I can't perform in because it's smack dab in the middle of my week of graveyard shifts. I also had to miss my previous ballet and modern performance because of work. But when we were dancing the choreography for the show today, my heart broke somewhat because I'm enamored with the movement and I want so badly to perform it, but I can't this time.

The creative expression shouts to the depths of my bone marrow. I just want to get swept away and douse my pores in the choreography. The depth of emotion, novel movement, and rebellion against classical dance forms is what I personally savor when doing modern dance. I need to remember my passion next time I don't want to get off my damn ass on my couch.

[celestialpotat0]

carlsbad caverns

I've wanted to jot down my experience at carlsbad caverns but have been so busy that i never got the chance. I actually need to head out asap since i'm supposed to be leaving now to spend the weekend in the stanislaus national forest. but since im about to take another trip into nature i HAVE to very quickly finish up jotting down my previous experience before i set out on this next one.

there's always a thrill when descending underground into caves. i much prefer exploring unpaved caves but the magic of carlsbad caverns was the size of it. so spectacular to know how large of a world exists underground there.

the evening that i was waiting for the bats (mostly Brazilian free-tailed bats) to fly out of the cave, it was a record late time for that year up until that point. we were waiting and waiting and waiting and worried that maybe the bats would decide not to leave the cave that evening. i was really savoring the fact that they prohibited all electronics to protect the bats--it also protected my happiness and appreciation of that experience. we were all fully present, together, waiting patiently under a darkening sky and cooling temperatures to witness the bats. my eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness and i sat there too chilly in my shorts as the wind swept around me. nothing to distract me from being in tune with my senses and taking it all in.

finally, i spotted a single bat in the sky above my head, and then i started doubting myself and convinced myself it was just a bird, and then slowly and eventually more bats came out until it was undeniable -- the bat flight had started! i told myself then and there that it was one of the most awesome things i had ever experienced. but i also find bats to be one of the most fascinating mammals. the vast number of bats that flew out of the cave boggled the mind, and the path that they took in the air as they flew out was enchanting. it's so difficult to believe that there are way more bats later in the year than when i went, because there already were way more bats than i had expected when i was walking through the caverns.

ultimately, to be disconnected from the rest of the world while i sat outside there silently watching an endless stream of bats fly out of the cave to go hunting is a memory i deeply treasure. we share this planet with absolutely beautiful living creatures.

also, great job to carlsbad caverns: the nearest bathroom to the bat amphitheater at carlsbad caverns that evening after the bat flight takes the cake for nicest, cleanest bathroom ive ever visited at any national park. although to be fair, most public bathrooms at nps visitor centers are clean anyway.

my other favorite thing was watching a majestic turkey vulture gliding air currents very close to me for the longest time so i got a wonderful view of the bird and got to watch the bird up close for a while.

departing for the sierra nevadas today. i really want to disconnect from the world and be fully present and surrounded by wilderness again.

[celestialpotat0]

white sands

felt like i was walking through Frank Herbert's Arrakis and any minute i'd see a sandworm. i was so exposed to the elements. it was awesome feeling transported to a different planet. it was extremely windy and the wind whipped the grains of sand forcefully against my exposed skin at all times. constant yet dynamic painful stinging against my bare legs and face. despite wearing sunglasses, lots of sand got into my eyes and scratched them and the next day my right eyeball had become red from the enlarged vessels from excessive irritation. it felt wrong to be out there because it was so hostile; everywhere you looked was blurry because there was so much sand flying around in the air, no shade, dry. i hiked decently far out and 100% wouldve gotten lost without the trail markers.

it's the world's largest gypsum dunefield. the regularity of vast numbers of undisturbed ripples in the sand enchanted me. sand so soft underneath my feet. the geology of white sands is very interesting, but i wont go into details here. the dunes shift rapidly and can travel many feet per year.

waxed the bottom of my sled in the same direction as the sledding motion to get more speed. climbing up tall dunes of loose sand and feeling my feet sink deep into the sand and the sand crumbling away from each step was fun because it was a calf-burner. worked hard with each climb for the reward of sledding down dunes. i was definitely nervous before my first sled, then when i chose an even taller dune nervous again, and for an even taller dune i was nervous again. but each time the dune was not nearly as scary sledding down than when standing at the top of the ridge looking down. i enjoy the thrill, similar to cliff diving when it's scary at the top.

there have been times cliff diving where i need someone to count down 3-2-1 because that helps me jump; will never feel ready, just have to jump without thinking about it.

also reminds me of the time i was peering over the raft mentally preparing myself to jump into the river in costa rica. the thought of just letting the current take me and not knowing what dangerous creatures lurked beneath the waters scared me. before i knew it, all of a sudden i was submerged in water with a giant splash. my guide had pushed me over the raft and into the river.

mostly, he just got a kick out of trolling me because when i broke the surface of the water gasping for air and spitting water out, he grinned and joked that it wasn't him. he thought it'd be fun if i were the only person from our raft fallen into the river and everyone else still dry and on board. and once i was floating down the river and embraced my fears and how anything that happened to me then was more or less out of my control, it became one of my favorite experiences in my entire life and i never wanted it to end. also you wont find a guide who will surprise push you overboard in the states thanks to our litigious society, but the authenticity of costa rica was so refreshing. the interactions were more authentic than strictly professional. i enjoyed it. we did some truly dangerous spelunking another time and didn't sign shit. love that.

so appreciate memories like these. floating freely along the river current with nothing tethering me. ive gone multiple times since then but costa rica was my first time, and ill never forget the bliss of being submerged in clear waters exposed to the dangers of the river current and creatures in the wild.

anyway, dune sledding is on a much much tamer level but still provides a thrill. choose the steepest sand dune you can find.