cellphone2

[cellphone2]

I WANT YOU TO FIGHT FOR ME I WANT YOU TO TELL ME NOT TO GO I WANT YOU TO PUT ME FIRST I WANT YOU TO STOP PRIORITISING YOUR EX I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME BACK AND I NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL

[cellphone2]

i miss you more than anything

you were my best friends in the whole entire world and i shouldn’t care this much anymore but oh my god i do

i still bring up your names to new friends and retell our stupid stories, like the time you both took me out dancing when the irish boy broke my heart, or the time we all tried to drink a bottle of vodka each, or the time those grown women gave us the prosecco they didn’t want, or when me and p went to manchester, or when me and s were so drunk we couldn’t remember if he lived on the first or third floor when really it was the second, or how neither of you ever approved of the boys that held my heart for even short times and always believed i could do better, or that time we got the bus over to p’s campus and constantly made fun of it, or the food at the end of the nights we wouldn’t remember the day after.

all of our stupid stories that i will never forget

we always said we were due one more big scary falling out before we could be in each other’s life’s forever and i pray to a god that i don’t even believe in that this is it because i miss you more than anything please please come back

i don’t think i can mourn two living breathing people any longer

[cellphone2]

being 20 is really hard and really lonely

and i want to run away as far as i possibly can

and i want to then stop smoking

and eat comfortably

and workout without being terrified of who’s around me

and have friends that care back, not because they’re obliged to but because they have love

and i want to stop slicing across my right leg

and i want to get new sheets, new bed sheets that no one except me will know

and i don’t want to remember my hometown and growing up anymore

and i want to be far away

[cellphone2]

it’s not like i want to kill myself but at this point whenever i start thinking about things happening in my life and everyone disappearing and everything changing i just see in the middle of it all a brief little image of myself doing it and it feels so real and at this point it’s all i want i just don’t want to be here

but then i think about people finding out like what would my friends from primary that knew me as so happy think or how badly it would destroy my parents and my best friend or what would my old home friends that threw me away rhink or my old housemates but i just saw a sausage dog being walked by his old man owner and it made me want to sob because how did they push through to that point to that stage of contentment in their lives and how i don’t think it can ever be me and i know i won’t make it past 27

[cellphone2]

i think i am a little bit stupid in the way i operate.

i’ve noticed i treat myself like a robot from time to time and i don’t know why i do

i’m one of the smartest people i know but i’m stupid in the sense i think i can delay myself

back in november i was told by my parents and two therapists to get to a doctor so i could be diagnosed with the depression i so clearly had but instead i decided i just didn’t want to be a girl with depression and so never went and never got the help i needed because i decided it’ll pass on it’s own.

for the last six months at least my life has been hell but whenever something has happened or i’ve felt a trigger for anything i’ve just said to myself “deal with it later” or my newest one “out of sight out of mind!” like no girl that’s not how it works. and now we’ve reached a point where i’ve put it off for so long that i’ll be fine all day but the smallest thing will happen and i find myself sat on my bathroom floor, unable to even cry and debating how bad the bleach might hurt going down my throat.

i just don’t want to be here anymore and i don’t know if i mean liverpool or living but hopefully it’s just the first as i’m already in enough debt from uni that if anything went wrong in the latter i’d have no degree and about 40k owed to the government

[cellphone2]

i fucking adored you

you were actually my whole world for a while and i miss our stupid shitty nights out and even the fact you lied about going to hope when we met and how you let me do your makeup and cry to you and you'd hold me while my heart was absolutely breaking.

even typing this right now im completely shaking with how angry i feel just thinking about you and where the fuck did you go and how much i fucking loved you and would've died for you p and now i cant go back to shindie and i cant go to the lidl near lime street and i cant sleep under my white sheets comfortably and i cant ever go to that pho restaurant and i cant go back in h&m and i cant listen to half those songs you two showed me. i hate you so much and i miss you more than anything and i fucking hate this city thanks to you and the absolute fucking hell you have turned my life into and i just want to scream and hit you and break down completely

[cellphone2]

i don’t think it’s lame if my own small steps in self love and appreciation is something as mini as not sleeping in mascara and eyebrow gel just on the off chance someone might text at any hour. now i take my face makeup off with a wipe then use micellar water until every bit of eye makeup is off my eyes. then i use my moisturiser and subconsciously still try to gel my brows with it to look put together in any snaps but this small change to finally doing the most basic thing in order to care for myself is the biggest milestone i’ve been able to achieve in a while.

[cellphone2]

i miss you more than anything.

even if your psychotic and deranged ex girlfriend was lying to me about what you did to me that night i can't ever be your friend again as much as i wish i could and as much as it is absolutely killing me to not have you in my life.

the person i trusted with my whole life but you ended up being the one to tear it apart, my first real best friend who i loved more than anything.

this spring is going to break me seeing your stupid face on my snapchat memories nearly every day and i honestly want to die.

i doubt you even think of me anymore, at least not with anything other than so much hate for me believing her and for how toxic our friendship was but i just miss you and our stupid shitty nights out and in.

but then you're still the same person that was happy to leave me blackout drunk on the bathroom floor while you left for the club, the same person that dated my stalker and didn't care when i got spiked. the same person that thought i was more funny drunk and looked weird without fake tan. the same person that saw girls as sex toys and would've been more than happy to get off with a drunk me on my friends new sofa in her manchester flat. the same person tthat was my best friend and is probably the reason i now smoke so much.

i just miss you and i hate the fact i don't know what we got from that takeaway after nights out because you always ordered it in greek and now i'll never know what it was that made those gyros so fucking unreal after a night of dancing and drinking. every single day i think of you and every time i leave my flat i'm scared you might be around and come scream at me or worse if you were to see me on bold street. somehow you were absolutely everything to me and i was just a talking stage turned to best friend turned to stranger to someone you wouldn't even piss on if i was on fire.

[cellphone2]

idk how to have sex

i do know how and im actually quite alright at it.

but i don't know how to have sex with any feeling in it.

the only times I ever have done has felt like it was just for the sake of it or to not be alone, having sex with emotion behind it is a very weird thing for me. only happened 2/13 times.

having sex with any feeling there is oddly scary to me now, once with a boy i was starting to fall for last spring who later called me damaged as a joke and no matter how many times i tried to look past it i just couldn't because who the fuck says that.

and the other time with a boy i'd known for nine days who ended up practically living in my space the entire time (as in personal space, not my body (mostly)) but of course I self destructed that one.

i think when i fall for someone i have a funny way of ruining things, maybe out of fear of that unknown and trust, maybe because i'm the problem.

i don't want to do hookups and one night stands in an age of one night stands and hookups which maybe is a lot to ask for an ex slut but i just want to know what having sex should really be like.

[cellphone2]

i honestly wonder at what age i’m going to grow up.

i’m 20 as of about two months ago but so many things don’t let me feel like it. i saw a post not long ago that said in your mind you’ll never stop being 17 and honestly yeah

because at what age do i stop putting my left leg up on the small ledge next to my train seat? when do i eventually grow out of snapchat and tiktok? when will i stop obsessing over my looks and what cute boys might think? am i supposed to stop loving my stupid bar job one day? when do i get over all my favourite student clubs and bars and start going to nice restaurants to catch up w old friends? when do my friends become old friends for which i’m having catch ups? i don’t wanna ever stop being 17 in my mind

[cellphone2]

how do you go from writing love letters and surprising me with flowers and all kinds of beautiful words and shit to being the type to stick his tongue down another girl’s throat every single night.

i know how rebounds work don’t worry i’m not an idiot (surprisingly right?) but seriously what the fuck it’s like you couldn’t even wait five minutes. but i know if i were to do that all our friends would look at me like a disgusting slut and take your side and check constantly if you’re okay, which somehow even though we both wanted to end things and you’re the one actually going slutting about IM STILL THE BAD ONE HERE????

and another thing is i want those handcuffs back

[cellphone2]

the second i get this stupid degree i will leave and go somewhere pretty like idk hawaii or italy or amsterdam or even newcastle i don’t know.

i wanna be a whole new person surrounded by new characters and that’s not gonna happen if i stick around here with people as stale as the pitta breads in my cupboard

[cellphone2]

i don’t even check if u view my stories now

[cellphone2]

i don’t think you ever took me seriously

like properly

first couple weeks sure maybe you did

but then that was SO quick to turn into a bunch of last minute cancels and plan changes and hours to reply to simple messages and letting me down

you don’t take me seriously as a person and definitely not enough to have ever been anything with you

[cellphone2]

get me back in the pool and probably ideally back seeing the counsellor i ghosted , sorry adam - think i’ll just show u this when i’m back to get u up to speed

[cellphone2]

seems like whenever i get happy about u , u start to fade

i tell all my friends “he’s back again! he’s messaged! he still thinks of me!” and i swear the fact i miss you is what jinxes u altogether

i fully think that you are cruel

not mean

not harsh

not toxic

cruel

for the way you’ve treated me like the piece of entertainment, “i’m back for europe now what’s she up to” “let’s see if she’s still arsed enough to respond” “maybe i’ll break her heart for a third time”. i don’t know

and for the way you played at getting the words “i love you” to come out without even having to the last time i saw you, you knew damn well i love you

so much

to the point it feels those three fucking words have been desperate to claw their way out of my throat every time i see your stupid face

i love you

and i’ve never said that to anyone

for anyone

anything

but i love you

and simultaneously a part of me hates you for the way you treat me like a choice

[cellphone2]

tonight i am absolutely spamming my silly little online diary wow

but to put it simply i just feel incredibly depressed lately

half the time i feel like a guest in my own life, maybe like a little ghost or as if i’m in a film pretending to be the cool fun golden retriever type teen girl i’ve always wanted to be, i think i finally did start to become her then everything happened with december and for the last few months i’ve never felt less like myself

and it’s the weirdest thing

some days i’ll be at my happiest with my friends or even my dog then others i feel guilty for enjoying myself, that stupid assault has done more to me than i ever could’ve imagined.

it might’ve been the fact that he was one of my close friends or the way in which i did nothing for months after or the fact i knew he liked me and still proceeded to stick around in his life beforehand knowing i was making the feelings worse but there’s a permanent rain cloud with all these thoughts hanging over me lately