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[ceridein]

Is this why I’m being such an asshole to you? To force you to end it?

THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS I WILL ALLOW 

EITHER WE WILL LAST FOREVER 

OR YOU WILL END IT YOURSELF

[ceridein]

hours after our huge fight I’m fixated on the memory of you saying ‘mask off I guess. seeya!” as you walked out the door. it shouldn’t feel so satisfying. is there something about forcing you to the brink of leaving me that is somehow pleasurable? is it that I’m relishing the idea that you finally might be seeing my true self? Why is it so freeing to believe that I might be free now to be unreservedly angry? Do I really believe that I am constantly holding myself back from cruelty?

[ceridein]

i don’t blame you for walking on eggshells around me. i wouldn’t want to be you either. never able to criticize or voice discontent or say what you’re really thinking, in fear that it’ll upset me and become something unpleasant and blow up into something. it must feel awful. you must resent me for it terribly. i resent myself for it too. i don’t want to be like this either.

[ceridein]

When I was younger I dressed like a girl, but I didn’t dress like “other girls”. I never wore pink, my skirts did not rise far above the knee, I dressed modestly and elegantly with no frills or ruffles, I did not wear makeup, I did not wear high heels. After all, all those things were tools of patriarchal oppression, and any girl who dressed like that was brainwashed by society. I was a rebel; I would not bow my head to the sexism. I took such pride in this.

All bullshit obviously. I feel like I’ve moved past this bullshit but have I really? Have I improved at all? I tell myself I’ve improved, that I no longer hate femininity, but my wardrobe is now all fairly masculine. If anything I’ve gotten worse. Now I don’t wear ANY skirts or dresses, not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to look like a girl. There’s a little voice speaking in the back of my mind going, “I thought you said you weren’t like other girls. If you put that dress on, everyone will see you as just a girl and nothing else. Just another victim of the patriarchy, a slave to your sex, falling in line with societal expectations.”

But I wore a dress yesterday and I liked it, I wore makeup and I liked it. 

[ceridein]

hokay it’s time for the 4am “am i not a cisgirl” thought train

let’s break it down

- hoo boy do i hate having boobs. if i stand in front of a mirror naked i can appreciate my entire body except my boobs which are useless and impractical and look dumb on me. fuck i hate them

- whoops do i sometimes fantasize about getting breast cancer so i have an excuse to remove them? yes i do i am very ashamed i am really sorry this is awful

- i love wearing a binder, it makes me look exactly how i want to look

- always enjoyed being a tomboy and rebelled against girly stuff as a kid. dreaded growing boobs and was in denial about the fact that they were growing for a long time

- really into presenting myself in an androgynous way, with very occasional exceptions when i’m feeling girly. 

- but also, sometimes when choosing to wear especially girly clothing i enjoy them more by imagining i am a crossdressing boy. but that's definitely also a role i am acting out rather than being.

- super reluctant to deal with bras and underwear. except now i’ve discovered boyshorts which i love to death because they make me feel less girly!!

- i have zero problems with having a vagina or a feminine shaped body (apart from boobs). pretty frequently i have sexual fantasies about having a dick (except usually i am a fictional character in those fantasies anyways) but it’s not like i would prefer it to having a vagina

- i dislike people calling me a woman but have no issue with people calling me a girl. what’s up with that? probably i am just afraid of adulthood and nothing to do with gender. i would really enjoy getting accidentally called a guy but i usually feel fine about being a girl.

- have no problems with she/her pronouns in real life; they’re what i’m used to; but get weirdly super annoyed about people calling me a girl on the internet, to the extent that i haven’t included my pronouns or anything on my tumblr because I don’t want people assuming anything about me genderwise. probably just a privacy thing, because why should internet strangers know my gender? i would enjoy they/them pronouns but not vastly over she/her.

- i am an actor. i love acting. i love acting in male roles. i love crossplaying and roleplaying in male roles. if i am acting in a male role for an extended period of time (and I mean like A FULL DAY) and feel wonderfully comfortable in it, is that because i am genderfluid or is it just because i fuckin love acting?? where does the acting stop. what is my true personality. who am i. this might be a separate problem

- my identity is fiercely wrapped up in my name, which happens to be unambiguously a girl’s name. i can’t imagine ever giving it up. if i try out any other name, female or otherwise, it just seems like a role i’m putting on.

- i am very very private about my sexual being and therefore i have a suspicion that i feel so uncomfortable about having boobs just because they are Prominent Sexual Body Parts and it freaks me out that people are looking at them if i don’t want them seeing me sexually. this hypothesis is supported by the fact that i feel most comfortable about my boobs in front of my s.o.

Am I a gender nonconforming cis girl? Am I genderfluid heavily leaning towards female? I honestly don’t know what I’d prefer to be, only that I’m confused and mostly worried that if I tried out being nb I’d just be trying to be a special snowflake. I want to be non-binary. But I’m super afraid that maybe I might just have some sort of awful unconscious “non-binary people are more special than cis people” bias!! I’m definitely capable of this sort of bias since I felt that way about asexuality for a long time (I really wanted to be asexual due to a hangup I had on sex being impure, but I’m not). A lot of things that non-binary individuals say about being non-binary resonate really strongly for me but I’m very attached to being a girl too. And mostly I just want to know if the whole Fuck Boobs thing sounds like gender dysphoria or like, totally irrelevant appearance preferences.

[ceridein]

"Wanna hear some discourse? [starts talking about discourse]"

No I don't but ok then I guess it's time to get anxious

[ceridein]

kinda feels like i’m just waiting for everyone who loves me to forget me/die off/leave me so I can finally kill myself without worrying about hurting anyone 

[ceridein]

remember that nice sex shop in hipster town? it had talks and get-togethers every so often. we never went to any of them. remember, i made fun of the list of talks and you said you’d be up for going to one of them, and i said i wouldn’t and laughed while trying not to think about it

i dreamed we went together. we were sitting in chairs in a smallish group on that black and white checkered floor. there were ten or so people there in total, and we were going around in a circle talking about our kinks and sex drives.

you introduced yourself and said some things, and then it was my turn.

and I was ready to tell them everything, because this was a dream, and in my dreams I am a lustful slut eagerly ready for an orgy, but then I woke up just a little bit and my waking mind leaked into the dream and I suddenly became aware of myself

and I was surrounded in this shop of dildos and strap ons and whips and vibrators and all these people turned to look at me and imagine what i would look like in lingerie and picture us fucking and they were looking at me

and it was no longer sexy, it was no longer a dream, it was pure terror

and i was awake and crying in my bed, biting my pillow to stop myself from screaming

‘no one can know, please, i can’t let anyone know’

i am sex-positive. i support sex-positive groups. But if i ever was forced to talk about my libido with someone face-to-face who is not my partner, I think I would throw myself out the nearest window.

[ceridein]

i am so lonely. but i don’t want to talk to you. 

i am so lonely. but i don’t want to talk to anyone.

i am so lonely. i just want to be laying next to you quietly, saying nothing, feeling you in the darkness beside me.

i am so lonely. you are slipping farther away from me. i am not sure which one of us is letting the string go slack.

i am so lonely. i miss you. i hope that you cut our string soon. i can’t cut it myself. i am sorry for being afraid.

[ceridein]

Trying to sort my thoughts out a little bit.

R doesn’t want to be ace. But is, according to him right now. I am not ace, but I’ve wished I was for a long time.

So the effect of this is that R views his own aceness with tremendous bitterness, while I can’t help but feel these HORRIBLE pangs of jealousy.

Is it all jealousy, though? I know some of it must be feeling inadequate.

Oh I’mthinking about this too hard i’m getting upset i’m really really upset

You know what it is, I think? It’s because i’m DISSAPOINTED THAT I WON’T BE GETTING SEX

SHALLOW

SCUM

WORTHLESS TRASH

DISGUISTING

pathetic trying to hide behind all these excuses when I know deep down exactly what it is, it’s JUST my fucking repulsive lust

that’s why i have such bad reactions because i’m simultaneously getting upset at not being able to sexually satisfy myself AND getting upset THAT I’M GETTING UPSET ABOUT IT

why is this happening

I’ve never felt so comfortable with myself and my sexuality than with R. i’m learning it’s okay to express it. i don’t even wish i was ace anymore because of him. i know that if i shame myself i’m shaming everyone who isn’t ace and i know it’s unfair of me to do that but i’m so used to thinking of my sexuality as a  horrible secret

what sort of fucked up fate is this that the person teaching me to accept my own desires is unable to desire me

i’m sorry

this is such. a stupid thing to be upset about. and i am so. so. pathetic. i’m always going to be a hypocrite

i don’t want R to be ace I don’t want to be left alone with all this lust i’m struggling to accept in myself PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE DON’T REFUSE ME PLEASE OH GOD OH GOD I FEEL SO FILTHY

things will be ok. things will be ok. things will be ok. i love him. he loves me.

[ceridein]

Why am I so goddamn angry so often this summer 

I have never been this consistently frustrated and impatient and hottempered at ANY point in my life. I never ever raised my voice 

Are teen hormones coming 6 years too late???? What is going on??????

I have found this in my drafts and I do not know when I wrote it. In fact I have no memory of writing it, or of feeling this way. It could have been this summer, or last summer, or the summer before that.

How strange. Perhaps I should be keeping a diary after all.

I really fear for my memory.

[ceridein]

please don’t talk of endings

i am so afraid

it seems like nothing i do can help you

and here you are saying I don’t deserve this

as if I am the one being wronged by the world, as if I am the one who is hurting to the point of self-hatred

i want to believe everything is going to be okay someday but god what if you back out before then 

what if you decide you’re just too broken and nothing will ever help and i’m not enough to help because nothing is enough and you hate yourself too much to believe you’ll ever be granted happiness

it’s like every night i’m raging against the idea trying to pull you back from a cliff

it does take a lot out of me.

and you know? i was kind of thinking that maybe it would be nice if we were depressed together. that perhaps then you would see us as equals, and quit dragging yourself deeper into misery for inflicting your pain on me.

but. god. i see now you’d only think you had caused it. you’d only blame yourself. it would be your ruin. god what horror I can’t let that happen

don’t join me in my misery is what you said

and lord, you know exactly why don’t you because that’s how it happened with HER that’s what SHE did and that’s why SHE AND YOU DESTROYED EACH OTHER and I can only GUESS at what you did and said to each other except that i know she burned 

everything you gave to her.

and you still love her.

(was it her who said she couldn’t bear the weight of your misery?

i must remember

in the long list of things i cannot say

i must never say that)

[ceridein]

Look at the wreck I've become Four months ago I thought I didn't care and now I'm driving myself crazy loving them Why is there always so much fear that they'll stop liking me? Why is there always so much fear that I'll stop liking them. Maybe it's just like what they said before- good things make them uneasy because there's more to lose How long can such a good thing last? I miss them already because all these fears go away when we are holding each other but here it seems they are piling up and shit I don't want to think about what will happen after graduation I'll dream of your arms around me tonight

[ceridein]

I don't know if I'm scared of them or if I'm scared our relationship will fail or if I just hate myself for a million reasons but the fact is that I can't stop crying and I have to do this take home final but it is literally impossible to take an exam while crying hysterically

[ceridein]

THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS I WILL ALLOW 

EITHER WE WILL LAST FOREVER 

OR YOU WILL END IT YOURSELF

[ceridein]

I want you so much it hurts

[ceridein]

Cast of Characters

(first, a handy guide to significant characters in my romantic misadventures at college)

The Prince: my current significant other and object of all my affections. Perfect and wonderful and clever and everything I've ever wanted. Had a prophetic dream about them in the spring which put them awkwardly in my mind. They asked me out over the summer. I'm desperately in love and determined to make it last.

My Guardian Angel: my first relationship. the girl who taught me the ropes of a relationship, was always patient and understanding with me. The reason why I came out. The relationship lasted 3 months and broke off amicably at summer. I hope I didn't hurt her, but I think I didn't yet really understand what a relationship was, and I think she sensed that my heart wasn't in it. Realized I didn't love her (honestly I think I was hung up on the age difference) and really more admired her as a senpai kind of figure, but I was lucky to have her there. I'll always be grateful. She seems happy now and we're on good terms so I don't feel too guilty.

The Wolf: the boy I became obsessed with because he reminded me of my sexual-awakening movie star. Rejected me when i asked "do you want to make out" yet won't stop bothering me in that same obviously flirty playful obnoxious way he always did. The reason why I now never assume anyone's actions to be flirtatious. Now loathed by me for probably partly irrational reasons. I never wanted to be in a relationship with him, it was mostly just ridiculous sexual frustration that I still don't understand and can't quite reconcile with the rest of my mostly dormant sexuality.

Moriarty: my high school crush and best friend. On this list because I realized the extent of my feelings for her once she told me she had a boyfriend. The jealousy hurt like hell, and confirmed that it was not a platonic crush.

The Bachelor: unimportant and tragically laughable. tried to ask me out freshman year after we had become good friends. failed miserably because i had just started dating the Angel. I had considered him as a romantic option for a bit, back when we were friends, before I realized how problematic and obnoxious he is. Not actually a bachelor anymore apparently but I still think it's a hilarious nickname at least for my usage here