ch-cali

[ch-cali]

12/21/2020 Good morning

Okay so day 2 of trying to be productive- I was kept up all night by my daughter and I was breastfeeding and so I'm just exhausted and hurting because she was biting. I just want some coffee. I think my mom doesn't like me drinking coffee in the mornings even if I only BF my daughter at night. Makes sense because sometimes if she gets hurts or I think she's crying because of teething I do end up letting her BF a little more for comfort.

Anyways I haven't gone onto the treadmill once yet. I find it hard when I use the energy I do have to brush my teeth and wash my face so I can get rid of the eczema rash under my eyes from crying and on my neck I assume from sweating. My face is drowning in Aquaphor right now and I have a humidifier going in my direction- trying to not let the stream touch the computer. I hope I get better because I don't really know where my old steroid creams are and I wouldn't use them anyways not knowing if its an issue bf and using these creams. Hopefully I get better soon and maybe feel more inclined to start getting a work out in.. I need to weigh myself because I haven't in a while- last time I checked when I was still living with my parter I was about 160 something. I'll check

[ch-cali]

12/20/2022: Start of my personal diary

So basically this is my personal diary for my life from here on out. It's 12/20/2022 and I just finished moving back in with my parents with my daughter. I separated from my partner, which is a whole other story. This is hopefully going to be a sort of documentation about my progress with myself from here on out. I struggle with bipolar disorder and anxiety. I have been pretty well as of lately especially regarding my situation. I struggle with my self image and weight. I am currently in the 160's and plan to start taking better care of myself. I am not a majority single mom. When I brought up to my partner about how we're going to split out time he literally said "I never wanted this in the first place" and so I asked in regards to her? abortion? while literally holding my over 1 year old in my arms with my partner furious at me. At us. He said yeah and I said very angrily to please go away I don't want to talk to him bc how are you going to bring this up with her right here? And he went on saying "am I not allowed to have feelings? Only you are allowed to say your feelings? Well this is how I really feel. Why can't I say how I really feel?" And on and on about that and I literally had to get away. ASAP. He literally admitted that his mother is more scared of losing her than he is. I am just heartbroken and don't really trust him alone with her any more for other reasons even before this argument. Not physically abusive or anything just very neglectful to the both of us most of the time. I am so happy that less than a week after that I was out and I just finished finally unpacking everything (I think) and I'm settled in but don't quite feel comfortable. I miss how things were and I cry most night causing a skin inflammation and issue under my eyes making me look absolutely horrible. My room has none of my old decorations as I left my old room and my decor to my little sister as soon as I moved. I'm going to have to go to the dollar tree and think of putting something together to make my room feel more cozy.

I miss a lot about my life the last year but I realize I still look at the very few fond memories but push down 90% of the other stuff I went through, My partner was my first love and I really thought nothing would ever be able to make me not love him. But after out altercation- after saying that to me about the most important thing in my world I think of him as the most disgusting piece of scum on the earth pos. He's done a lot to me before but something about becoming and mother and hearing him speak on our daughter like that... I will never ever forgive him.

To work on myself I need to start on my regular health- eating right sleeping schedules and such. I need to find another job- I got fired for not being able to keep up with the work load. I wasn't willing to do so much over time all the time. Oh well- I hated that job and it took me away from my daughter because it was always over 43 ours a week which isn't so much but she's only awake so lone- I get a total of 2-3 hours a day with her fully and only an hour bonding with her over fun things- the rest is the eating cleaning and bed time routine unfortunately. I want to find something with a little less hours if possible- decent hourly wage- I probably won't ever make the amount I did as my last job working from home but hopefully something decent and full benefits so I can get her back on my insurance. Since I lost my job I had to ask her dad to add her until I get mine and I really just don't want to rely on him in any way. My social skills going out having fun. reaching out to people I haven't yet since I started dealing with all of this just out of embarrassment. My friends reached out asking me how I was doing and had no idea what was going on- I gave them a quick "no everything isn't alright but it will be soon" when they asked. I appreciate them for asking

Basically I wanna be better and feel better about myself and here is my start.