chaletiche

[chaletiche]

Bad Credit Score / Shedding old Skin

No shower, no queue for a hot breakfast, I walked out with the layer of yesterday still on me. Each step in my yoga pants bumped with the rhythm of taka taka ta, bad bunny's newest album, his most catchy song currently, reminds me of sitting on the black couch, with the painted walls of an orange sunset with elephants. I sat next to him as a 20 year old, as we relaxed and took in the group. I didnt know what I wanted, I knew what I wanted to feel.

So many years of abandonment, therapy sessions that soothed me to remind me to be grateful for the basic needs met. Of course I still talk to you as if you were still here. I- younger me, didnt know how not to.

I felt my family from many miles away. They still exist, I still exist and your presence still too. I long to be read. When I stalked you in order to wean myself of your presence because I suspected you met someone else at your soccer league. It was logical really, I felt the detachment. You caught me before I realized the 3rd person in all my relationships was my abandonment wounds.

As to why you dated me could only be explained by men and their loneliness. No matter what age, men are permeated with the emotion of leaving woman in order to be, not a boy. It only figures.

Anyway, du du durruuu du du durruu, similar to Cailliata, the year when you died, the sun was out and beautiful. I posted it on my instagram story surprised you still watch but then reminded, by the comfort of it even though I know it doesnt mean anything, so you tell yourself.

I walked the pavement, with a fleece sweater, and an old cappuccino. Texted my girl and she was on the way. I turned the corner and across was the clinic I started to volunteer at. The venezuelan lady trying to fix her papers got into an accident that same day. It was a week, but being unemployed feels like two weeks.

This time we were cross the street, the old duran pharmacy my girl said it used to be. 20 minutes early, the doors locked with closed pink curtains turned hot by the sun. I sat on the side, and began peeling my orange. A truck rolled in the parking lot.

The morning was empty, an aged man came out with a yoga mat. The door began to open. A transformation, as the yoga instructor greeted me and the class commenced.

[chaletiche]

December Autisitc Burn Out

It was November, the end of it and the beginning of December. I'll talk about all 12 of the months, a full year's picture. The 2nd year in Albuquerque, and analysis of my previous behavior and a tell all of the everyone in the San Fernando Valley, Celebrities included.

Jokes. A valley, Californian joke. Lame, & Stfu, I say to myself harshly, like an irritable PTSD reaction. I was born with a Savior Complex. Everyone must be saved, repeated my catholic upbringing. Only do things start to hit after the cult. Some are still involved. How do you violently separate from the church? Here I go again asking myself questions.

Its Monday, I love unemployed Mondays. I burned out again. Its like one moment I'm like I moved states. I started all over, who was I to be a changed person. But I had an inquisitor, jealous side. Fear of Asexuality? I feel like I've always been in hyper-sexualized relationships.

Apparently a year ago, I had just met you. I was dating that Man (an ex now). He was on paper the perfect partner. He had the privilege's to do so. We both needed to let go, and mostly because of him, we are at were we are. Me, a little bit healed, and him happy moving on with his life.

I'll never know your secrets again.

Moving to Albuquerque, I know why I did it. I know why I chose it, and on the bestest of days it feels great. But on the worst days, It feels so lonely. So in December, I broke down when I dropped off my current ex (a friend) to the airport. Its like everyday I am forced and reckoned to meet my own immaturities.

The way in which I view him is different, as they always are. I find room to make space for everyone's unique qualities. However, I felt like from my personal experience everyone demanded something of me. My parents made sure to let me know that the way the boys around me thought should always make me feel ashamed about my own sexuality. It was repressing.

I do feel pain inside, when I self-isolate. But I think its necessary, I love to be home. I felt like it was seen as weird to be surrounded by that many people. My friend group has different desires. Different experiences.

[chaletiche]

LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLL

It's interesting to see yourself age on the internet.

I wonder how everything is all connected, or actually after spending some time on here, I recognize, that the only foot print is so fragmented.

More of it is like, I enjoy typing and I used to be so self conscious on being understood.

I recognize now, that I am on the spectrum. Like derr It makes so much sense. I can be less hard on myself. I am also asexual.

I had a 3rd burn out. And Im excited to begin this journey to a degree. Living outside of LA has eased my anxiety.

I am so greatful I dont work for the clinic anymore. It really fucked with my identity. NDA's are sinister I would think. And I wonder how my parasocial attachment issues manifest each year with my favorite music artisits and the friends I have back home.

My favorite part about ABQ is the fact that I get to create local relationships outside of the entitlement of celebrities. I remember being 19,20,21 and seeing the influence of people with higher income.

They didnt have to be A list celebrities, just a different class of individuals who had the freedom and control of their lives. Yet, I was more comfortable with celebrities, rather than people who lived different positions of power.

I would say, maybe my fear was being BIPOC on the spectrum. When I did look up to these people who were influencers and secure in their identities, I would say I trusted these people. I dont exactly know for what.

I think it could have been the distance of my grandparents and my own niche identity. In any of these people I never saw myself. Only hand full of a few. Like that one guy on Mayans, Ms Hayak, but then I think, to what extent am I allowed to talk about this? I respect the nurse. But what are the appropriate relationships here? And what if they are all just work related? I tried asking what the community was here. How do I fit in here, if not to be exploited?

And I was met with, what community? I was 20. And my boyfriend had died. This story is only interesting because I name dropped. I felt such a separation to my day job. I was a unseen, because these people were looking to be unseen.

At the time, being a college drop out and reporting a title IX case, I didnt know how to talk about myself. I also knew, I was so unexperienced with life, that these high succesfull people, were looking for professionalism.

I would say, this is where the bullshit is found.

[chaletiche]

Fuck you.

[chaletiche]

Saaaaad.

[chaletiche]

Idk but im letting shit go

Grief will and can manifest into anger

[chaletiche]

Maybe life sucks cause i miss u

[chaletiche]

Uggggggggggggggggggggggh i miss u

Pa que no vuelve

[chaletiche]

All my relationships feel long distance

And im supposed to remember you?

The dirt buries & it feels like you’re leaving me behind

[chaletiche]

Maybe ill do one load Seperately, separate my laundry

I know its risky behavior to wait until midnight

I feel more mature to wait until night

Send the signal

I need you badly

Im calling 911 tomorrow, entering the clinic

Collecting my HCL

I want to talk to everyone else to soothe the pain

But that’s how I fell the last time

So I isolate

Keep my distance, secure my ground

Established the class

Im so sad

I think I saw him the last time I was trying to get over you

Excited I saw someone new

Im disillusioned, points back to you

Ignored audio call

Im sure he knows I only lean on him when Im lonely

I want so much for us

I can only hope this one marking ties us together

But in reality, with or without this

My memories keep us together

I am happy, I appreciate every ounce of your body

To do this with you

May you continue to live 🐆🐾

[chaletiche]

I think we’re so cute

A doomed statement of what once was

I say I enjoy this presently

The best gift

My only disillusionment is that

[chaletiche]

I want love

What was I arguing for

He did a little dance

I, controlling and over bearing

[chaletiche]

Practicing containment

I want to close the door on you

My therapist made me label my abandonment issues

I dont feel the same

I move different

From the back of my eyes

I see the screen

Headache

Dehydrated

Living the week without speaking a word to my mom

She didn’t know how to talk to me

I can understand

I think of the war, the black dust

Unlivable land

I resonate

When will i come back to guerilla lovers

The clandestine live-ers

I am not afraid to speak

[chaletiche]

I think you’re the cutest

Not mine forever

Everyone else’s

I happen to love you in this space & time

You keep speaking words into the future

Hoping they stick

I let them surround me

With an escape route that is my self love

Adjusted real expectations

I dont know how the tides will change

But i can only do my best

And be the version of me

I dreamed myself to be

I hope i may love you forever

INRP

[chaletiche]

Hot Springs Dream Vacation

This is Karma

Withhold yourself, don’t loose

I am happy for you

Sad for me

A couple walking the streets

The moon was waning on the road you lead your first crew

The words are on repeat now

You don’t fuck with spotify

You make me a better person

I worry without you

I’ll hate myself

With you, i can’t stop staring at you

Love can’t be a crime

Am i washed

Am i weak

This time I know our physical being is finite

Im not anxious

Im ready to take what I need for myself

This isn’t about you

But in what we believe in

You said lets get married in vegas

Repeat the same mistakes your parents did

I worry you’ll do me like my DMs did

Dead anger

You know me best, and I feel content

[chaletiche]

Over for Me

I sat in my heels on the bar stool

I once painted

Wondering what my future would hold

I said this is the reason why I love Albuquerque

The nights changed, I changed

The moon was 3 quarters, the night fell quicker

The couple had their first dances, and the groom was in his band

You said this was true love

I was nestled between you

In the october suede dress you liked

Leg hairs part of the fit

You were intoxicated

I said I love you, anyway

My smile faded as you changed the subject

My body language adjusting

I accepted it was unrequited

Flashbacked to when you told me you loved me

I said it naturally, no doubt about it

You explained your doubt

It wasn’t enough for me

Love is patience, i say doubtfully

[chaletiche]

Conservation Heaven

Im not even focused on me turning 26

Is this the turn?

My ankles ache, my knees call

My ulna is traced

First thing in the morning, 11 am

You said you remembered a rap line of mine

Briefly, versed one time, you were the first person I performed in front of

I see you drawing in closer

Called yourself a bum on my bed

I hesitated to say let me know when youre home safe

We aren’t records

We aren’t a repeat

We’re something new

Death will not have us

Comfortable with fist-bumps

Im glad you came over

My kitchen floor is mopped

And my cooked food is in your stomache

You almost made me say it

But I’ll see you on work Monday