chammymariah

[chammymariah]

New Years Thoughts & Reflections

I have been reflecting a lot about 2018 and my art. Here are some thoughts that have been occupying my mind that I hope might bring encouragement and hope to someone out there:

Last year was a year filled with self-confrontation fueled by disappointments. There were so many moments where I created high expectation situations that (of course, given my current skill) would lead to disappointment. There was a point that I stopped enjoying art because I would beat myself up for not accomplishing my expectations. As one of my teachers would say, art became a striving wrestle instead of a continuous dance for me. I compared myself and my journey to other artists who were younger, better, and had different circumstances than me. I was paralyzed by my self-doubt and the constant telling myself that I will never measure up. I put myself under unnecessary pressure and it affected the art I created. Let's be honest, as artists (or people in general) some part of us want other people to like what we make, but when that becomes our sole purpose, our craft becomes unhealthy and untrue. That's where I found myself- making art that was to the "trend" and what I thought would get more likes, which resulted in my portfolio progress being halted. I was trying to sprint the marathon, and like anyone who forgets that they are running a marathon, I hit a wall.

This wall made me face myself and my intentions. "Are you happy with the kind of art you are giving to the world?" "Do you really care about what you are creating?" "Who do you want to be? Who are you?"

Confronting myself brought me back to a place of soberness- of seeing the different lives and circumstances of others as an encouragement rather than a noose. And that's the thing I had to come to terms with- that our circumstances and our lives are so different. How can we expect our lives to turn out exactly like our neighbors'? My hope is that in the light of our own circumstances and what we each face, we will get to our goals and destinations in our own ways- but we'll get there.

Last year felt like a foundational year of learning to discover what kind of artist I want to be and what I truly value. And this was made possible by the grace and gift of people I had the honor of being surrounded by- my teachers, my classmates, my mentors, my friends, and my family.

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for this journey. I'm learning to enjoy the marathon, step by step. Though I'm not in animation yet, I am thankful for where I am right now. I stopped putting pressure on myself and I'm slowly (but surely) making art that I enjoy and truly believe in. And I'm learning that in the end, that matters more than what other people think or how many likes I get. I'm embracing this part of my journey, but as I do, I am also learning not to become complacent and lazy as I accept where I am.

Where I am is I cannot afford to go to art school, or any school, I babysit part-time, and I work on my portfolio on the rest of the days I have free. In all honesty, I used to see where I am and my circumstances as a hindrance but as I look in hindsight, I am so thankful. As I write this, I am filled with so much gratitude for where I am. With these given circumstances, I rejoice because it's an honor to do all these things and to even have the privilege to draw and pursue animation. It's an honor to be a part of the lives of the children I babysit. None of this is without meaning, none of this is a hindrance. There's a purpose in these places (who knows maybe I can create a film one day based on the kids I babysit hehe).

This year, I am looking forward to creating and discovering more. I want to make the most of what I have in front of me and to learn with what I have and can afford to get my hands on. I'm constantly reminding myself that my life is fleeting and with this one life, with every day I'm given, I want to labor and learn well- to be tenacious and enduring as I learn. I don't want to be complacent or take the easy way out. I am learning to grit and to do it joyfully. I'm undoing the threads of comparison and proving and relearning how to enjoy my art as a dance again. I hope this for you, reader, in whatever career and path you are on. I hope that we would find joy in our journeys again.

In a practical tone, so maybe you can keep me accountable, some of my goals this year are: Finish my Background Paint/VisDev Portfolio, do more gouache studies, and focus on color & light, composition, and simplification of graphic shapes in my artwork.

To end, here's a quote from someone I look up to: "If it’s not your train, it won’t stop at your station. There will be trains that do stop at your station. And the trains that do stop at your station? You have a choice to say yes or no to. You can filter the things that come to you, but you can’t control the things that don’t come to you."

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Another Christmas present illustration of their home for some good friends that inspire me. Ode to their first apartment together :)

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Happy Chinese New Year 2019! May this year be filled with yummy food and loyal friends. Gong Xi Fa Cai! 

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A few of the Christmas present doodles I made for some friends.  Capturing their worlds inside a snowglobe.

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One of the things I treasure about my family growing up, was that no matter how little or how much we had, my parents taught us how to celebrate Christmas together with love.

Happy Holidays everyone! 

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My big sister and I are about 9 years apart, so growing up I remember looking up to her (literally and emotionally). One of my fondest memories was when she would play with my hair and put colorful beads in my then curly hair. I was like her personal doll.

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I’ve always been fond of the rain but growing up, I was a very sickly child so I couldn’t go out and splash in the rain like the other neighborhood kids. But I’m thankful for my dad and mom who always cared for me. They were all I needed. And it’s the same now, so many storms have passed by our family’s life but they remain constant. 💛

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Whenever I think of Sharon’s life, it reminds me of a parade that brings color and life into places of hopelessness, darkness, and disappointment. She is someone who has brought joy and color into my life in my darkest times. And still, even in the midst of all she faces, she continues to walk forward.

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Some of my most beloved memories growing up were watching my big brother play and crush every video game he had. I was always amazed at how he knew how to solve a problem in RPGs or find treasures and pathways in Zelda or literally smash opponents at Super Smash or get to level 100 in Ragnarok. His love for video games and the way it has opened his eyes to pay attention to detail amazes me and inspires me to do the same with art and animation.

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When I was 5, I remember watching The Little Vampire and embarrassingly having a crush on the vampire in the movie. I remember staying up later than my parents rewatching the movie and dreaming that I’d meet that kid vampire in my window at night 🙊🙈🤣🤭 did you ever have a crush on a made up character or cartoon growing up?

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Finding and planting gems along the way. 

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A set of Huevember sketches I did last month. 

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Rachel’s Cake.

An illustration for a friend’s birthday. You are worthy of being platformed. You are worthy of being delighted in. You are a multi-faceted gem, always being refined.

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Sk8r girlz series done! 

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#huevember 11. HAPPY FRIDAY! 🍩💖 May you eat delicious things today. (This is how I feel when I eat a donut. “I WILL DEVOUR YOU.”) ok bai. ~ From @mrtomfroese Odd Bodies class. Fun fun fun. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqP5GN2DP_f/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=f14agiqkj4ij

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#huevember 7. Starting again 🧡 Here’s the result of one of the sketches I did for @mrtomfroese Odd Bodies class on skillshare. This class helped me enjoy drawing again and not being so critical about where I am and what I make. It’s also such a fun class! 10/10 ~ it’s been a rough few weeks mentally and physically being sick (take care of yourself peeps). To be completely honest, doing art was not a place of comfort for me. I saw art as a discouragement rather than a place of enjoyment. Whenever I thought about doing it, I kept thinking, “it’ll just be a disappointment compared to where other artists are and what they make.” ~ But then I’m reminded to breathe. This is where I am. I’m still learning, and I’ve got ways to go. My journey and my circumstances are different from others and I’m learning to let go of the expectations of being where others are, because this is where I am. Thank you for reading this far if you have and for your support. Wherever you may be and whatever craft you are pursuing, I hope you keep going because what you’re doing isn’t meaningless. It’s worth it for the long haul. 💪 love yews ~ Last thing, I love watching people skate. So these few sketches were inspired and drawn from the girls at Skate Kitchen. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqJb4uHjl5p/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=n3ds284g0okp

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Also doing #huevember to get better at my weakness- characters. Here’s the first two.