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May 21, 2018
My hearts kind of in a predicament. I've been really happy with Jordan. A lot of guys hit me up now. It bothers me. One of them being Russell. Out of the blue he confessed, but I knew something was off. It isn't like him to confess like that to me. Usually I'm the one asking to call and stuff. But he came on the line to talk about his day. And honestly, he's always busy so it's not like this was a huge loss for him.. I mean everytime I try talking to him he never was available. He never could tell me he loved me back. Had he just talked to me.. as scary as it was. I was ready. I was ready to build that life with him. I knew I tore this man apart. I feel awful. Mainly because when he was high I have no clue what I said but I smoked 7 to 8 blunts before he called so words might have slipped out that I didn't mean to. I'd always answer the phone for him. I think he knows that. But I don't think this is REALLY about me, somethings going on inside him.. This is killing me. I know I'm in love with him. But I had to move on.
Maybe my statuses and pictures egged him on a little too far. I'm not really sure. All I'm sure about is that he's been more urgent.. I guess. To talk. And unfortunately maybe I put too much pressure on him. Telling him all these I'm in love with yous and sexual statuses.. because I am me. He makes me complete. But it's too late now. He should have told me sooner. And he's the one who said it himself.. It's as if we barely know eachother.. He says he wants to fuck me.. what if I don't want the same with him? What if I want to be respected for something more. This shit has been on my mind all day. And I hate it because I know he was doing his best to open up to me. But He's not doing it out of love.. no it's something different. He sounded like really happy and nervous but at the end. No..
Somethings not right. I don't know what it is but I was sad to see he deleted me. I deserve it, I suppose. I'm going to give him space. He is like a brother to me after all. I don't want him to hate me or you know. It's a fucked up situation I put him in. He was happy with Chloe until I distracted him. I couldn't help my impulses. Luckily hell be back on track if I just let go..
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May 20 2018
Maybe I crossed too many roads. I feel too much pain. I can't tell who's a friend or foe. I can't make sence on why simple Things frustrate me. And I can't even look my boyfriend in the eye and tell him I see him anymore. I don't think he cares. But on some days i see it. And yet I'm in love with the man. He's everything I fear. Every word I open up hell question and I wonder why he consists lying.. I want to hurt myself. I never want to feel any more bruises from this reality. It's driving me mad. Would he mind if i...
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May 7, 2018
It's been a while since I wrote on this. I honestly am trying to work on being more exclusive off social media. It's become toxic. Right now , I'm am happy. I was distressed. I took a lot of it on Jordan so I asked for 5 days off. Even so, my heart feel worn out. Tired. I haven't had time to myself for a while. Any sleep or consecutive thoughts. I honestly believe I need to be single. It's been tearing me down just being with that guy. And of course, I'm just too nervous how easily he talks to his ex gfs. He's a very sweet boy, but I don't know if he's the one for me. And I need to build my reality in order to know which direction I'm going to go. I'm sorry if the silence hurts. But maybe the silence is what we both need to be happy.
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No use saving a horse with a broken leg. It can't run and everyone knows it, even if they liked the horse. That's why they shoot it dead. You're just wasting my time by waiting for me and trying to help.
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there is a person in your life and your just „How did i deserve her/him“
anime: Bakemono no ko 💞
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