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My Past, My Present, My Future

So I've never created a blog before. I am nervous, excited and looking forward to get my story out there. The aim of all this is to tell people about my life, and reach out to people who have or are going through similar things that I have been through and help them with their struggles. So lets start with my past shall we.

My Past

I said to myself when writing this blog I would be honest about everything and try and keep it short and straight to the point.  I am not going to say I had the worst upbringing because I didn't. I was brought up by a mother who struggled with addiction and depression and a step father who was abusive to my mother, was an addict and was desperate. My earliest memories of drugs was my step dad lighting up weed and making a spliff. I remember the small of it. Then a few years later I remember my step dads friend, obviously his dealer used to come around a lot. I didn't know at the time it was his dealer. This used to be every Friday night to start with then at about 8 o'clock him and my mum used to lock the bedroom door and hide in their all night. I used to hear the loud sniffs of them snorting cocaine. When I got a little bit older I would say around 14 I started to see his mood swings, he was either in the best mood ever or the worst mood possible, obviously whether he had seen his dealer or not. It was around this age when my mum tried to commit suicide. I remember her going missing on a Thursday night. Funny how i can still remember what day of the week it was 20 years later. She was found after taking a massive overdose, she was then taken to hospital. At the time I had no idea why she would do this but I later found out it was a cry for help, as she had become addicted to cocaine. Following this, as far as i am aware this is where her addiction stopped and she got help to come away from cocaine. I recall the arguments becoming a lot worse from this point between my step dad and mum, looking back this was probably due to the fact that he was still on cocaine and she wasn't. Things gradually got worse from this point and that is when the violence kicked in. The arguments at night were horrendous. I used to lie there in bed listening to the screaming and the banging as they argued and fought. I used to hear slaps and punches getting thrown. I hated myself for years for not intervening. There were also nights when my mum was raped by him and i had heard this and not intervened. This is something i still struggle with and have asked myself a million times why i didn't do anything. The only answer I can honestly come up with was that i was scared. The fighting and arguing carried on for a few years until I was about 15 years of age. It all came to a head one day after school. I came into the house after school, I could hear banging and smashing going on upstairs. I ran upstairs and there was my step dad screaming at me telling me to get out, he picked up the upstairs tv and threw it at me on the stairs. This was because he owed a drug dealer £30000 and they said that they were gonna torture me in-front of him until he got the money. I had to go and stay with my nan until the debt was paid. He stole the money from work, got sacked and my mum eventually kicked him out the house and they got divorced. I decided to join the army when I left school.

I joined the army aged 17. Loved every minute. Was known as a tracksuit soldier because all I did was play football. After serving my 4 years in the Army I came home. When i came out of the army I struggled adjusting to civilian life. After having it drummed into me for 4 years that I was better than everyone else I came out with the same mindset. I had a full time job but loved a night out with the lads. Having a chip on my shoulder and a beer down my neck was not a good concoction. I got in fight after fight. Until eventually I was arrested for assault by battery. I served community service for this offence. It was not long after this that I found cocaine on a night out. Had it once or twice and thought nothing of it. A few years later I was at work and a lad in work offered me some on a night out. Then the next weekend I got some more, then the weekend after, but this time i wasn't on a night out i was at home. This happened weekend after weekend. Little did I know it now had me in its power. This then lead to one day a week then a few days a week. I was earning about 4000 a month at the time and blowing around 2000 on cocaine. It came to a point where I knew I couldn't stop on my own. I remember the night when I just lay in bed crying praying for god to help me and give me strength to kick this addiction. The next day I went to the doctors to get professional help. After my upbringing I always said I would never get addicted to drugs and never be like my mum and step dad. Unfortunately I had fell into the same trap as they had. I got professional help, they taught me triggers and how to deal with them. Things weren't rosy and I did relapse a few times but I learnt that you need to forgive yourself for these relapses and not beat yourself up. This was over two years ago and I have been abstinent from drugs since then. I also gave up alcohol over a year ago because I feel like is was not a good contributor to me in my life so didn't want it to be part of my life anymore.

So that is where we are up to now. The reason for this blog is to give you a glimpse of my past. I don't claim to be a psychologist or someone who has an answer to all your problems but what I do have is life experiences of addiction and depression. I feel I have managed to get through the dark tunnel and come out the other side. I also feel that everything happens for a reason and that I went through everything to share my story and maybe help other people in similar situations and get them through to the other side. Its my passion. Another major factor for me staying abstinent from drugs was finding exercise and healthy eating. I would eventually like to combine my two passions of exercise and helping people with mental health problems, addictions and depression.  The purpose of this blog is to get the word out there and I would like people who are struggling with a similar situation that I was in to maybe get in touch with me and maybe I could help them in some shape or form.

I would love to hear from people of what they think of my blog and also if i can help anyone with anything no matter how small I would like you to get in touch.

Thank you for reading my story

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