changemycore

[changemycore]

Heartbreak wasn’t the day we broke up.

The day we broke up provided a release I had been looking for since the beginning.

It was a release I forgot I needed when we filled days with adventures that consisted of games with pine cones in the snow away from the world or on a drunken London adventure to see everywhere we could before I left you or in walking around NY with a robot bottle full of wine.

But most days I craved for the release from you and every day my friends begged me to get it.

Heartbreak wasn’t the day we broke up.

Heartbreak has been everyday since.

Heartbreak comes in waves of, how did we get here and if you loved me you wouldn’t have done this.

It comes in learning the definitions of domestic violence that have applied to me and I ignored and suddenly I find I am running away in hopes I’ll forget it all.

Heartbreak hits me hard on those mornings I check my phone to make sure nothing new has happened and on my walks to the mountain in the France snow where for a moment I forget about it all and think about how much you’d enjoy this scenery.

Heartbreak is every time I have to think about where my life is and how it got here and the piece you played. Heartbreak hits me hardest when I’m surrounded by people but I feel the most alone because the weight of us? That’s too much for anyone else to help hold.

Heartbreak is knowing I don’t miss you, and I haven’t missed you for a while but I am missing the moments in the snow full of laughter because everything feels so heavy right now.

I want a squish.

I want my human anxiety blanket even though I had never had anxiety until you.

I want to not hate the touch of another human.

I want to not be scared of every person who now walks into my life.

I want to believe the assault wasn’t my fault like you said.

I want to not be scared every time I go outside or have to validate every decision in my life.

I want to stop crying randomly in public and remember how to smile.

I want to have chosen the release instead of the high I felt with you because maybe I’d be a little less broken right now.

But, heartbreak is something I chose for myself every time I stayed.

I can only blame myself

[changemycore]

“WHY NARCISSISTS DISCARD YOU AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIMES" by Kim Saeed. “One of the most heartbreaking stories I hear from clients and followers is how their narcissistic partner discarded them at the worst possible time. While you’re left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart the narcissist carries on with business as usual as though your history together means nothing. To you, the horrific discard seems intensely personal, cruel, and callous. But, as devastating as it is, the truth is almost all narcissists discard their partners during important life events, special occasions, and devastating losses. It’s one of their blueprint manipulations. When the narcissist decides it’s time to discard you, nothing is sacred. While you’re waiting for the ‘real, loving and romantic’ person that you thought they were to surface again and show a shred of compassion or basic interest in your situation, the narcissist couldn’t care less as they go about love bombing their new partner right under your nose. Narcissists take pleasure in executing devastating discards at the worst possible times, and there’s a reason behind why they enjoy it so much. In fact, they are acutely aware of what they are doing, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as an individual. The real aim behind these torturous, soul-shattering discards is that the narcissist is bent on triggering your abandonment wounds and deepening your declining self-esteem…which means they can likely keep you in the queue for as long as they deem you useful. Often, what appears to be a discard is simply a tactic used by almost all narcissists who are no longer in the love bombing phase with a primary supply source. They are in heightened manipulation mode – using your weak spots against you in order to control you and have the upper hand. Following are two tactics narcissists use which look like a discard, but are really hidden ploys to keep you strung along indefinitely. 1 – TRIANGULATION Many “discards” involve the sudden appearance of a new person in the narcissist’s life. In truth, the majority of discards are actually a sneaky implementation of the triangulation phase, where they begin comparing you with their new “love interest” and making you feel like you fell from grace because of your insecurities, nagging, declining appearance, exhaustion, etc. And if you agree to remain friends with the narcissist, you’ll get to hear all about how great the new person is and, eventually, the narcissist will go so far as to share the relationship problems they’re having with the new person with you! This is when you start believing the relationship didn’t work out because of you and things you’ve done (or didn’t do). In truth, the narcissist fabricated every single emotion and event that has resulted in this outcome. It was their intention from the very start. Sometimes though, the narcissist has a new person in their lives, but they strive to keep it under wraps. It depends on their social status among their inner circle, their business colleagues, and personal friends. They have an image to maintain, after all. In this scenario, the narcissist breaks up with you several times and disappears during weekends or for whole weeks at the time, claiming that they need time to breathe and reflect so they can get a clear picture of their feelings for you and the relationship. What’s really happening is they have another person lined up – and they are love bombing that person with such intensity, they can’t be bothered with damage control when it comes to the relationship they have with you. Therefore, they make it appear as if they need “alone time”, “time to breathe”, and/or “time to ponder things through”. Regardless of which scenario they execute, each has the same goal – to reawaken your primitive fears of abandonment and bring them to the fore. The narcissist “discards” you – often repeatedly – during important times in your life for a specific purpose, and it boils down to the basics of trauma bonding. 2 – TRAUMA BONDING You know you’re trauma bonded when you comprehend on a logical level that you need to leave the narcissist, but can’t seem to go through with it. Your friends and family don’t understand why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly. What they can’t relate to is that your abandonment triggers have been reactivated over and over again, which happens when we experience a break in an important bond with someone we’re emotionally attached to. Each time the narcissist triangulates or abandons you for days or weeks, it unleashes a new round of intense insecurity. You want to be reassured and loved by the very person who keeps betraying and abandoning you. Young children react this way to parents or caregivers who mistreat and abuse them. Even animals react this way to an indifferent or cold parent. According to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, A researcher who studied imprinting in ducks noticed that when he accidentally stepped on the feet of a duckling that was imprinted on him, the duckling followed him more closely than ever. Researchers investigated this phenomenon and it turns out that pain, whether emotional or physical, causes the body to release endogenous opiates that create a tenacious type of addiction to an object known as a traumatic bond. Narcissists discard their primary supply sources during the worst possible times to triangulate and form trauma bonds with their victims, ensuring they never forget the narcissist or the relationship. All other narcissistic manipulations aside, these two devastating tactics alone are enough to instill PTSD and a myriad of other psychological injuries. What to do next Though it feels like everything has been ripped away, what’s happening is that your primal and true self is crying out, much like an infant crying for its mother. Triangulation and repeated abandonment carried out by the narcissist strengthens insecure attachments, guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy, and worried all the time, perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist – the very person who will never give you either of those things. It may feel as though you can’t survive this, but you can begin your recovery by planning out your No Contact strategy and exit plan. Stop trying to have a heart-to-heart with your abuser in order to get them to understand your point of view or discuss the ever-elusive resolutions to your relationship problems. Narcissists don’t want to solve problems because that’s how they keep you hooked. Plan out No Contact, find another person you can cling to during the initial stages of your recovery, and practice mindfulness to keep yourself in the moment instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. It will feel impossible to do in the beginning. In fact, it will feel unnatural, but with daily practice you can heal from the trauma bond that the narcissist manufactured between the two of you.”

—

[changemycore]

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships:

you have to be obedient and submissive in your childhood if you don’t want to get beaten, you’re taught this is normal in life, so why should you doubt it when it happens in your relationship?

you’re supposed to care about everyone else more than yourself, you’re taught to provide comfort and be minimally or completely non-demanding of other family members, always put yourself last, and this is exactly what abusive partner will demand of you as well, how would you fight it if you’re taught this is just your place in life?

your appearance, interests, skills, achievements, and faults are constantly exposed to criticism, insults, humiliation and ridicule in abusive childhood, and you’re taught it’s normal, how are you supposed to fight it when it happens in a relationship?

you’re humiliated and ridiculed for seeking intimacy or try to express yourself in your childhood, how would you know it’s okay for you to desire understanding, consideration, reassurance and intimacy in your relationship?

if you’re used to being hit, humiliated, and having your objections to it ignored, or even worse, minimized and punished by even worse violence, how are you supposed to defend yourself when it happens in a sexual situation? how would you be able to know it’s wrong for another person to harm you if your parents have been doing it, and they supposedly love you?

if you’re taught to always be grateful that things aren’t worse, always compare yourself to someone who is tortured worse, how are you ever supposed to reach out and get help for being abused? how are you supposed to know when your situation is really, really bad? There’s always going to be someone somewhere in the world tortured worse, and this becomes a reason for you to suffer in silence.

Abusive parents are direct cause of abusive relationships, if your boundaries aren’t destroyed and your sense of what’s acceptable and to be tolerated in your close relationships skewed to allow abuse, you have much easier time rejecting abusive relationships later in life. 

[changemycore]

No amount of talking about it is going to make you love me. None of it will make you reply to me. No matter what I do to distract myself, it will not make a difference because you’re all I can think about all the damn time, each second of everyday.

I only want you, but you don’t want me.

[changemycore]

“Perhaps the best thing, Is that you didn’t respond, because the way you treat me sometimes, it isn’t enough. I want to go back to the way it was, before you, where I was working on loving myself again”

— Excerpt from a book I’ll Never Write, Perhaps the Best Thing

[changemycore]

“You know what hurts? Caring about someone more than they care about you. You’ll do anything for them & put them before anyone but they don’t give a shit. The worst thing is, you care too much so you make yourself believe that you’re all they think about. When really your name never even crosses their mind, all you do is live in fear of losing them one day. Because you’ll never get the guts to let them go.”

[changemycore]

I’m so tired of being your next best. Why can’t you just want me as much as i want you. I’d carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for you, yet you’d still choose them over me....when will i be enough for you?

-block it all out no matter what

[changemycore]

“You kept telling me it was okay, but it wasn’t. You don’t know what that’s like – to throw yourself out there completely, openly, unafraid of what will come because of it, because you love someone so much you can’t keep it to yourself. It’s raw. It’s brave. You can’t bottle up that kind of love. But you didn’t love me back. It’s the worst kind of humiliation. Because you knew me better than anyone else – and still you couldn’t love me.”

—

[changemycore]

“Perhaps the best thing, is that as I sat alone, I thought that maybe you didn’t love me anymore. And that it was okay, because I love myself now.”

— Excerpt from a book I’ll Never Write, Perhaps the Best thing

[changemycore]

it took me long to finally understand that you didn’t just not know how much i was hurting, you simply didn’t care

[changemycore]

[changemycore]

“I gave you everything I could and you sharpened them into knives to stab me with, so don’t go crying when I leave.”

— tara love / i gave you every chance

[changemycore]

“I loved you because I saw amazing things in you even among the pain and confusion I felt”

— you broke my heart but you are not a bad person

[changemycore]

The only person I needed to talk to was you, but you needed to talk to everyone but me.

—a girl sick of being the second choice

[changemycore]

“How could I feel so alone without the one thing that was never mine?”

— tara love 

[changemycore]

All I can do is wonder where you are

Are you happy in someone else's arms?

-20/07/19

[changemycore]

TO THE GIRL WHO LOVES HIM NEXT

i truly hope he is better to you than he was to me. i hope to god he learned from me, that he learnt how to be a better boyfriend, a better lover, a better man. i hope he’s stopped smoking, if he hasn’t then you and i both know how angry he is when he’s high. i truly hope the sober him is more calm, found the peace he was always searching for. i hope he’s kinder, that he finally accepted himself and can now see that it’s okay for people to be whoever they want to be. i didn’t accept me for a long time, honestly i don’t know if he ever will but i hope he sees you and i hope he loves you for who you are. don’t become the girl he may try and make you into. it’s hard i know, you want to be enough for him, i did too but it ended up eating me away until i didn’t know who i was anymore. i hope he’s better to you. i hope you’re happy. i hope you two work out.

Pt. 7// 4am