changethemelodyeverytime

[changethemelodyeverytime]

Around a year ago, I was really going through it. No one knows the battle I fought every single day. I prayed about it, I cried about it, I weighed the pros and cons. I was not happy with the way things were going in our relationship. We are engaged now, so things worked out. If he hadn’t proposed, things would have been different. I guess that’s the part that scares me a bit.

I still feel these things to a certain degree. I think I will for the rest of my life. Especially the “someone who likes cartoons better than my own flesh doesn’t deserve to look at my body” line. That hits hard.

You spend your late nights awake trying to imagine how you can be better than lines, than fake teenage girls, than fake older girls or whatever makes him excited. The weight of it all is too much handle. You are not his type. He will always, always love anime girls more than you. It was his comfort years before you existed to him. It is something him and your brother bond over. How dare he make you fall in love when he knew he was never capable of loving you back.

I can’t accept the fact that he will always love anime girls more than me. So why haven’t I broken up with him yet? Why did I put my all into him knowing he could never love me as a human being? I want my nudes back. Someone who likes cartoons better than my own flesh doesn’t deserve to look at my body.

I want to find my soulmate. I want to find the one that treats me with respect. I want to find the one who is devoted to me. I always imagined myself being with a gentleman; a man who would fight any battle to be with me. It didn’t happen that way with you. And my heart continuously breaks.

I have been so paranoid about getting married. I have wanted to do it because I want to know that’s he’s going to be with me, forever. But that’s not how it works. I have to keep reminding myself of that. There’s reasons why he hasn’t married you yet. The biggest reason being he doesn’t want to give up the girls he already loves. Also, he doesn’t believe you are worthy of real commitment to him.

I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t. The thought of it is too much pressure. I can’t do it. Especially to him. He does not love me. He has made it clear he will never truly love me. It always about him, his issues and how he is feeling. He never asks about me or what I am doing or how I am feeling. Or if he does, I know he goes home and watches anime porn all night and talks about it with his friends.

I will never be enough in his eyes. He asked me out me out knowing he just wanted to say he has a girlfriend. Never a wife, just a girlfriend. I should have known better. He is a boy and I need a man.

[changethemelodyeverytime]

Time to put on that sad playlist and cry myself to sleep

[changethemelodyeverytime]

[changethemelodyeverytime]

Safia Elhillo, from Home Is Not a Country; “Haitham”

[changethemelodyeverytime]

Today I lost my family. Today I lost the man who was supposed to be my husband. Today I learned the only person I can depend on is myself. I only have myself.

[changethemelodyeverytime]

It seems like I have everything I wanted now but that still doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

[changethemelodyeverytime]

“sometimes it doesn’t get better”

—

[changethemelodyeverytime]

[changethemelodyeverytime]

“A heart can only take so much, and I fear at my age I’ve reached my limit.”

—The Last Letter From Your Lover

[changethemelodyeverytime]

I want to punch a wall until my fists bleed and crack. I want to destroy everything and rip myself to fucking shreds.

[changethemelodyeverytime]

It doesn’t matter

Regardless I’m always wrong

Invalid; Alone

[changethemelodyeverytime]

!! i hate myself !! my body is so gross !! lol !!

[changethemelodyeverytime]

[changethemelodyeverytime]

I’m jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships… they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all. 

[changethemelodyeverytime]

[changethemelodyeverytime]

Ever been so sad and broken that you can’t move. So you just sit there, frozen, paralyzed by your pain and suffer. Because that’s all you can do.

[changethemelodyeverytime]

Which option makes more sense?

Stay with someone youve been with for years, whom you love, knowing youre never gonna get married. Just stay together forever, without the title and living together and kids like you’ve wanted, feeling like he loves more girls than you and theres nothing you can do about it? Choking from the cloud of paranoia that follows you around every waking minute?

Get married (even though this is not an option because he doesn’t want it), stay paranoid that he loves more girls than you, and just accept it?

Break the relationship off, potentially be single forever? Or maybe find someone who makes you feel better or worse? Find someone who wants the same things you do? Or miss him so much, you can’t move on?

There is a part of me that wants to be alone. But there is a part of me that doesn’t want to be alone. I know there is no man on Earth that will love me unconditionally, and that is the part that is so maddening. I don’t believe my boyfriend loves me and only me. I believe he loves many girls. That’s just how men’s brains are wired and there’s nothing to do about it.

What’s the point in being with anyone if they are never going to love you 100%?

Why does society push marriage down our throats, when it’s a phony commitment? Why did everyone around me allow me to idealize that fantasy of true love, marriage, kids and a sharing a life with someone when none of that is real? Why have I always imagined a fairytale, thinking it was going to give me life, when none of it is true?

If I’m never going to be married or have kids or have a life outside of myself, what the fuck am I living for at this point?