changingthedefinition

[changingthedefinition]

7/2/19-20:24

Today just needs to be over with. Irritated, agitated, snappy. Tidied and organised so muchof my flat today because everything in my head feels chaotic and messy, and ending the day absolutely exhausted!

[changingthedefinition]

7/2/19-10:58

Everything feels mess and chaotic. I have taken to crazed tidying up, but I don’t think my surroundings are the whole issue. I think my brain feels messy and chaotic but I just can’t identify what with right now!!!

[changingthedefinition]

Yesterday was a super busy day and busy days are often overwhelming. I hate mindfulness, but taking pictures allows me to take time out and as a result be mindful and in the now.

[changingthedefinition]

6/2/19-17:26

I’m biggest than I have been in such a long time. I have no control. I can’t eat less, I just eat and I hate it. I’m embarrassed and disgusted and I can’t take it. Sure at the end of the day what does my size/weight actually matter? I don’t. It doesn’t change who I am, what people think of me etc etc...... but I feel wrong. It all feels wrong.

I want to be dead, yet I’m too ashamed to die weighing this much. Is anything other than comfortable. I’m a ridiculous joke.

[changingthedefinition]

Today was a day, a busy day.

[changingthedefinition]

If I could only use one mode of transport for the rest of my life, I would choose to live above the sky!!

[changingthedefinition]

4/2/19-16:03

Home sweet Home.... but please take me back to the mountains. That’s where my heart belongs

[changingthedefinition]

2/2/19-22:55

I know it doesn’t matter and I know I shouldn’t be upset by it, but I would rather be die and cause myself harm (which I hate and causes so much distress) than carry on at this weight.

I should feel proud of everything I have achieved, but currently I feel like a failure. I repulse myself. And not only in terms of eating more, but everything - maybe I should never have got better. I didn’t even mean it, it just kind of happened however odd that seems.

I don’t want to be this huge anymore. And honestly, there is nothing bad with it, but it’s also very wrong.

[changingthedefinition]

The mountains are my happy place, my calm place, my safe place. The mountain are where my heart feels free and my breathing feels easy

[changingthedefinition]

What did they say about medication? Any clarity on your psychosis and how to better control it, or was it all completely pointless?

It was much better than my previous appointments with him and it helped having my care co there. He asked me a series of questions and has prescribed me aripriprizol to try again.

[changingthedefinition]

30/1/19-12:14

If I tell you to think about a pink elephant, and after a few minutes tell you to stop thinking about it, what happens? You think about it more. But if I tell you to think about a pink elephant and hold it in your mind, what happens? After a short while it fades and you stop thinking about it. • we often try to push away unwanted thoughts and emotions. We may think that, If we push it way, ignore it, get rid of it, we will feel better. So we avoid what feels difficult in on way or another, and following the pink elephant logic, in turn, the thoughts and emotions grow stronger. • however the opposite of avoiding thoughts and feelings could be argued to be over thinking. This is similarly as dangerous. When we over think, we not only keep hold of the struggle opposed to just letting it run its course, but we will often end up creating more turmoil and confusion for ourselves. We create new problems to be solved, become overwhelmed and insistently will push ourself further into a ‘hyper’ state. Hyper states will in turn imitate a ‘fight flight freeze’ response. Hyper states can’t be sustained and therefore the body will start to jump between hyper and hypo states unless steps are taken to get ourself out of this trap. For me that involved letting myself rest for a short time (making sure I don’t also end up hiding) and spending time taking photos as it’s a change in focus. • essentially, difficult thoughts and emotions will pass if we let them, but the more we try to change them or get rid of them using survival strategies/threat responses, the more difficult the situation will feel. Take time, take care of yourself, and sit with whatever is hurting your for a little while

[changingthedefinition]

30/1/19-11:44

The amount of shame and disgust I see today is paralysing. I knew I have gained weight, but my weight had levelled off and now it’s humped up again. I have gained 4.5 kg since November, with out the intention of doing so, I have done so accidentally and I can’t stand it. I’m repulsive. I’m disgusting. I’m weak and out of control. I HATE the people who sectioned me that week for breaking my routine and sending me into a greedy phase.

I’m can’t stand it. And now I can’t decide whether skiing is a good or bad thing this weekend. Will I gain more weight???

I want to run, I want to get away from this possibility. My brain is in flight mode.

This isn’t ok.

[changingthedefinition]

29/1/19-22:34

I see my idiot psych tomorrow and I really don’t want to. I’m so nervous. I hate psych appointments at the best of times but this dr drives me bonkers. After my cpa in November, my team wanted me to change drs, then he wanted to pass me over to the eating disorder consultant ( I don’t even know if i want to see that service yet or not) but because of my complex whatever (I’m pretty straight forward if they were more open minded).

So yeah, let’s see what tomorrow’s appointment holds. He is apparently willing to discus medication now when when I was poorly he wouldn’t even hear of the idea

[changingthedefinition]

U ok? xx

I’m ok thank you. I went to talk to a woman about volunteering at a craft group for kids with disabilities today so that was cool.

[changingthedefinition]

27/1/19-11:03

Some days, I really miss the days when hurting myself, trying to kill myself was easy. I miss the days when I hated myself so much that I didn’t care if I made myself suffer.

I don’t want to go back to that time. It was self torture at times. But on a very different way, this is the same.

The want to be dead is so strong right now. I’m not entirely sure why. But my ability to do something, even when options are available is none existent.

I realise this sounds completely ridiculous.

[changingthedefinition]

25/1/19-21:40

I think I’m struggling much more than I realised. But at the same time things really are ok.

I know I can talk to my mh team and they would be amazing about it, but every time I see them, it’s so much easier to focus on the positives, my strengths, and whatever else ‘recovery’ entails.

I did talk to my support worker from housing briefly. But even then, I don’t know.

In theory, now until potentially tomorrow evening, but maybe longer depending on who’s on because some don’t do wellfair checks, I’m alone and no one would know. I’m not going to do anything, but this idea that is trapped in my brain is eating away at me slowly.

Things are ok. Things are moving forward and today made me realise how much has changed in the last 2 years and how significant that change is. I don’t recognise the old me, that life seems alien. The negative things which took up so much of my life and thoughts are all but sorted, and what’s left, I am able to co exist with. I can negotiate, and use knowledge to improve the situation.

Yet despite all this, there is something that’s not quite right!

[changingthedefinition]

25/1/19-20:02

Tonight I feel horrific. I didn’t know I could feel like this just from one night of no sleep and med withdrawal. I feel disgusting, repulsive, just not nice at all.

I’m so sad

I’m so scared

I’m so so so tired!

Today has been intense!

This morning was fascinating. I was talking at an event with EIP services.

A woman called nev Jones is over from America looking at early intervention in psychosis teams in England.

What I learnt today is that in the states, if you are detained and resist, a simple as pulling away or trying to run, you will end up in the prison system. In fact in America, the prison system is the biggest mental health institution.

I discovered that in England £45 million is allocated to recruiting new staff for EIP services and training EIP staff in psychological therapies, family interventions and the such. In the USA, the total amount spent on EIP as a whole in the entire country is £45 Million.

I learnt about the background of EIP and the frameworks of the service. And I learnt that in the USA patients can get psych meds for free as pharmaceutical companies get a patient dependant on a medication as with out private insurance, medication management is the only treatment available for those with psychosis. In the EIP system there are no psychologists across the whole country! as patients are then reliant on meds, they end up on disability and then the companies get paid for the persons life for the medication (sorry I explained that terribly)

I learnt that north Dekota and Montana (one of the M states anyway) have no early intervention services and across the whole country there are only 220 EIP services.

We were all sat that horrified and shocked.

EIP in England is a gold standard services. It’s the only services with a specific framework saying what they have to be able to provide. Case loads are capped at around 15 (in theory) and there is research showing that for every pound invested in EIP, £15 is saved!

I learnt so much more and it was absolutely crazy.

My therapist then had myself and another of her services users share parts of our story. I really struggled through feeling ill, but apparently the faces of the staff were completely horrified by my previous everiences and I received so much praise for highlighting the importance of keeping the EIP philosophy as the centre is the service and how effective the service really is.

After I came home for an appointment with my care co and a key worker from connect. But that’s a whole different post!