chaosinsidemybrain

[chaosinsidemybrain]

This is how I originally wrote it. One of those that starts as a poem and then begs to be a song. I posted a fragment of this on tumblr a while back, but here’s the initial piece in its entirety 🤍

[chaosinsidemybrain]

This is how I originally wrote it. One of those that starts as a poem and then begs to be a song. I posted a fragment of this on tumblr a while back, but here’s the initial piece in its entirety 🤍

[chaosinsidemybrain]

me towards the end of the lucky video: oh that’s so beautiful, it’s ending with them meeting their younger self and making peace with their future :’)

the actual ending: your younger self is dead. you can never return to that little girl but you will spend your life wishing you could. you killed her to become what you are. why are you crying?

[chaosinsidemybrain]

The window pane is 20 knives, all cutting through my fragile life. Someone new peeking through the room. I fear the name you whispered is mine, I’ll know it soon. I’m headless, I’m just limbs. I think they’re coming in. I already died, so this is extra time. I already died, so now I see it open eyed. I already died, so I am justified. I already died. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind.

[chaosinsidemybrain]

[chaosinsidemybrain]

[chaosinsidemybrain]

forever rooting for sensitive girls!!!!!! you have big hearts and a poet’s soul i love you

[chaosinsidemybrain]

[chaosinsidemybrain]

SO KEEP YOUR HEART, 'CAUSE I ALREADY GOT ONE

[chaosinsidemybrain]

now that i’ve been HONEST

now that i’ve been honest,

honest with my relationships, honest with friends and family. honesty along with peace towards my inner child, learning to go step by step and not dive into things.

thankyou for being honest maddie, now i’ve been able to be honest.

[chaosinsidemybrain]

my problem is i think everyone's lying

[chaosinsidemybrain]

[chaosinsidemybrain]

I’ve been on my knees since I was 5.

In the chapel,

in a bedroom,

in an alley late at night.

Always facing an inflated

godlike

version of some guy.

But as a girl you do what you need to survive.

You open wider, take the body.

Thank your father, you’ve been naughty.

2 Hail Marys, 20 lashings.

“I’ve been sent to punish you for daring to exist.

You will never know a love as meaningful as this.”

I’ve memorized

the lines

since I was 10.

From the Bible,

from the playbook,

from the magazines for men.

If you should mess it up, you’ll start again.

But, still, they only want

the women

they condemn.

I think that I’d have too much fun in hell.

With the pagans

and the hedonists

and sapphics there as well.

Purgatory seems the better fit

I can’t stand waiting in the corner,

but I do love being hit.

There’s not a torture you can prescribe

that I wouldn’t find

a way to like.

Every single second I’m alive

I’m sharpening an axe I’d like to grind.

“I was sent to punish you

for the way I was designed.

You will never know a love

that you fear more than mine.”

- “God Fear a Woman” 2023

[chaosinsidemybrain]

marlena by julie buntin

[chaosinsidemybrain]

[chaosinsidemybrain]

unstoppable force (trying desperately to see the good in life) vs immovable object (wishing life would be kinder to me)

[chaosinsidemybrain]

Perhaps it victimizes me to admit that I am expertly betrayed. Easily taken advantage of. I am not a martyr. I am The Devil’s Professional Advocate. I will put myself in your shoes till my flesh melts with the soles. And in these trappings not made for me, my clumsy and stumbling gait walks me into gaping pits of disillusion. Bear traps set in a forest by those who know I will stop to admire the leaves and search for beetles on their backs who need rescuing. I suppose that I owe my survival to a magic trick I learned (earned?) when I was young:

“Leave your body, and go somewhere else.”

I became such a skilled dis-associator that I split in two. Peel myself straight down the middle like the plastic backing of a bandaid. Astral project into a timeline where I haven’t made whatever grave error in character judgement has landed me in my terrible predicament. I have been asked 100 times what the difference is between Halsey and Ashley and I have never answered honestly. The truth is that I built her, as a child, to protect the tender core that lies beneath. In a confusing chain of events, my maladaptive daydream became my full time reality. My armor can walk and talk and they look just like me. But you can’t hurt us anymore,

Because one of us is not real.